From our aching eyeballs to yours

The first two covers are courtesy of Louise, who hoped that we would “enjoy them.” Oh we did, Louise. The only way we could’ve enjoyed them more would’ve been if Fabio had showed up at our houses and given us Brazilian waxes.

image

Candy: First of all, the texture on the guy’s hair is kind of eerie. I keep thinking that if I stare at it long enough, I’ll see tortured, weeping faces in the swirling patterns, or something.

Second of all: Dude! No, I mean it—the woman’s a dude. Why do artists insist on using Willem Dafoe in drag as a model? Pondering this enigma is seriously sapping me of the will to live.

Sarah: This may be the first ever cover art where the chick’s boobs are appropriately sagging. NOTHING sags in RomanceLandia, didn’t you get the memo? Hell, historical heroines have smooth hairless legs.

And speaking of, her boobs may sag, but Fabio clearly just left her house after giving her an underarm wax.

image

Candy: The alien incubating in the guy’s right shoulderblade is getting ripe, and will pop out any day now. That’ll teach him to eat after midnight.

Sarah: Do you see the iddy biddy boner? It’s kind of like the camel on the cigarette pack only not nearly as subtle.

image

Candy: Holy crapmonkeys! I didn’t know Nightcrawler had a younger, gayer, creepier, more transparent younger brother.

Sarah: Did Rebecca Brandewyne dress up as that guy on the back of the cover? And if she did, was she in severe hypoxia at the time?

Because, man, there is nothing sexier than hypothermic love.

image

Candy: Behold the power of this woman’s exposed knees! Her legs are so amazing, the mere sight of them are capable of making falcons shit out fully-formed (if rather creepy-looking) men.

Sarah: Clearly this needs to be an entry in the Art of War: to flush out (har) your enemy, drop a magenta clad Ondine in to the bushes. Her ruffled allure will force your prey to get buck naked, and you’ll be able to spot him easily in the foliage by the glimmer of his white, white ass.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Lorelie says:

    The dude in the last one is seriously about to hork up all over her.  Did he just find an unexpected surprise under dem skirts?

  2. 2

    No, no, no. He’s making the O face!!! “Oh. Oh. Oh!” All he’s about to hork up is spunk, my friend.

  3. 3
    megalith says:

    #1: So that’s what Jaslene has been up to since winning America’s Next Top Model!

    #2: Does it look to anyone else like her arm is on fire? And apparently the “smoky eye” has been popular for far longer than I realized.

    #3: Remember those troll dolls? Yeah, but in blue.

    #4: WTF did the director of photography say to this guy? He looks like he’s about to hurl down the front of her dress. I suppose it might be disconcerting to have a big ass bird perched on your shoulder while your busy gettin nekkid in the woods…with an audience nearby on horseback. Or maybe it’s the hunchback she’s sporting, or the eau de 15 products in her hair. That, or the two soldiers in the background took a shot at the bird and hit him instead.

  4. 4
    megalith says:

    Um. That would be “you’re” not “your” gettin’ busy…

    I hate when I don’t proof things.

  5. 5
    Jennie says:

    I clicked on the camel link and a box with “I steal bandwidth” on it came up.

    Someone should hide that cover for Night Magic, otherwise young men will be telling teenage girls that is what will happen if their blue balls go “untreated”.

  6. 6
    Danielle says:

    That Ondine one – the guy looks like he’s about to start muttering, “Yes, yes, my precious. Igor will do whatever mistress commands, oh yes. Rip off their arms, oh yes, yes, my precious…”
    Meanwhile, she’s deciding which of the men who spurned her advances she should first have killed.

    Shannon Drake really did have a run of bad luck with these covers, didn’t she?

  7. 7
    Berni says:

    What stops me in my tracks is the make-up on the female model.  Sure, the model is wearing make-up.  Does that mean the character on the cover, a woman who might have lived hundreds of years ago, also needs green eyelids?  I’m assuming these are older covers – the make-up looks rather dated, too.

  8. 8
    Goblin says:

    How odd.

    Mr. #4 looks like he’s about to spew.

    And yet it’s Mr. #2 who looks desperately ill. Check out the colour of his face compared to the rest of his body; should he be slurping on that woman while he has the ‘flu? At least she’s watching TV instead of smooching back.

    Meanwhile, Mr. #3 is blue. Not green and feverish, but blue—which nicely complements his lady love, who is fake-tan orange.

    Mr. #1 looks comparatively normal, except the expression on that poor woman’s face implies he just ripped her ear off with his teeth.

    And I admit Lady Love #4 is creeping me out. She looks like she’s trying to think up a scathing remark about my weight. Or outfit. Or husband’s salary.

  9. 9
    megalith says:

    Hey, Goblin, good catch on the FrankenShop job on cover #2. I didn’t even notice that. Almost looks like she’s broken his neck, or ripped his head off and reattached it just a leetle bit wrong, doesn’t it? Way creepy. Plus, does he have hat hair, or is it just me? Looks like he just took off a baseball cap.

  10. 10
    Grace says:

    Uh-boy.  #4 looks like the hero is about to hurl his breakfast straight down the middle of Ondine’s cleavage.

  11. 11
    taybug says:

    Okay, I have to admit, I didn’t find the iddy biddy boner in #2. What am I missing???

  12. 12
    Ehnel says:

    Man #4 looks like he’s fallen asleep, I think. His mouth just a litttle bit open … I bet he’s snoring. Drunkenly. Yeah. He’s drunk and fallen asleep and that’s why she’s looking away.

  13. 13
    Nora Roberts says:

    Fabio makes house calls?

    The blue guy is what happens with the spawn of Nightcrawler mates with the spawn of a Smurf. It’s not pretty.

  14. 14
    Teddypig says:

    Ondine guy is talking baby talk to her.
    Let’s hope it is not “Baby make a boo boo”.

  15. 15
    Cat Marsters says:

    I didn’t notice the boner either.  But I did wonder at the look of serene bliss on girlie’s face as her arm burns off as far as the elbow.  Pyromania in its most dangerous form, people.  She doesn’t just love fire, she loves fire.  If you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

  16. 16
    Sphinx says:

    #1:  “Hey, Ted?  It’s the art-house on the phone.  Something about the Morrison art.  Yeah.  Apparently the in-house graphic guy didn’t bother to read the copy we sent him?  So he sort of assumed that ‘Beloved’ was a romance.  Yeah, mantitty and all.  Gladiators.  Togas.  No, they can’t paint a dead baby into the scene this late in the day.  No, -you- tell Toni that we screwed it up.  I’m not messin’ with her when she’s like this.”

    #2:  Clearly the heroine’s heroin’s kicked in.  The woman’s wearing this languorous look of, “Oh yeah.  My arm’s on fire.  Huh.  At least I’ll be warm.”

    #3: Hottest. Member. Of Blue Man Group.  Evar.  Do something about the Rick Springfield hair and play ‘Die Zauberflöte’ on a PVC pipe, man.  (Although as far back as the bimbo’s head is tilted, I think maybe she just wants to play on HIS Zauberflöte, if you know what I mean AND I THINK YOU DO.)

    #4: “Clarissa forced her head away from the malformed yet muscular hunchback.  Vaguely disinterested, her green gaze scanned the horizon in hopes of rescue.  Little did she know that Gandalf had just deployed his giant eagles to airlift her from the scene.”  (And am I the only one who briefly misread the title as ‘undies’?)

  17. 17
    mia says:

    Trying to find the boner is like trying to find Waldo…Here is my guess: if you look at the cross thingy behind him, the bar going left to right looks kinda bonerish.

    Verification word: mass19
    I’m going to hell for finding boners in crosses. :(

  18. 18
    SB Sarah says:

    The Boner, let me show you it:

  19. 19
    Wry Hag says:

    If Ms. Kenyon sees the Ondine cover, her swan hat can kiss its ass goodbye.

  20. 20
    Karmyn says:

    I think #2 and #4 are the same guy. #4 looks like he’s suffering a horrible case of flu or else that’s a really bad case of premature ejaculation. The poor woman looks bored and wants to get away so she can take her dress to the drycleaner to get out the wet spot.
    #1 looks like he has a clump of dirt for hair and that woman should really get her thyroid checked. She’s getting a goiter.
    I think I used to have #3.

  21. 21
    Lorelie says:

    Victoria, I swear to gawd, if any guy ever oh, oh, oh-ed like that over me, I would run, run, run.

    After I horked.

    ;)

  22. 22
    Chrissy says:

    LOL I own that original cover of Ondine.  Loved that book, too… in spite of it.

    When will they learn?

  23. 23

    The men in #2 and #4 look similar to me – clearly they share back problems. And the ladies in #2 and #4 have mastered the art of disassociation and have let their minds drift while their flesh burns and drool and vomit drip down their cleavage.

    In #2, is that her claw stuck in his hair??

  24. 24
    Cat Marsters says:

    I’ve only just noticed that the dude in #1 is wearing a skirt.

    A skirt.

  25. 25
    Katie says:

    Do you think Bertrice Small and Janice Dickinson are friends? I didn’t know she was posing for romance covers now…

    And the man in the last cover has clearly fallen asleep on that woman. It’s like in the movie 16 candles where the popular girl passes out and the nerd drapes her over his to take pictures so people will think he’s cool.

  26. 26
    Angelina says:

    *snort* Nightcrawler. Can he bampf(sp) in and out….. of the bedroom?

  27. 27
    --E says:

    Katie, I thought the exact same thing: that is totally Janice Dickinson on the cover of #1. The book’s old enough that it was during the lull in her career…

    The chick on Blue Heaven doesn’t have her hand in the fire—she’s a pyromancer. She’s just that bored, that she’s lighting the candles to keep herself entertained. Poof, poof. “I wonder if Joe Camel is flammable? No, no, that’s what got me locked up in that nunnery last time.”

    Night Magic has that dramatic full moon. Obviously the guy is a weresmurf.

    Ondine looks as if she’s tolerating Creepy Guy because her more usual suitor is Snidely Whiplash. “No, don’t touch me, you cad!”  ::flounce::

  28. 28
    Toddson says:

    snort! weresmurf!

  29. 29
    Omar Simpson says:

    Why do artists insist on using Willem Dafoe in drag as a model?

    Because it pays more than being in a crummy Hollywood movie. Also, there’s a writer’s strike that started in November of 2007 and doesn’t look as if it’s going to end until probably the middle of 2008, and actors need to do other stuff until the writers can go back to work.

  30. 30
    Omar Simpson says:

    The second cover: That lump on his back looks like it could be a tumor or wandering silicone. Yes, women aren’t the only ones that can get implants.

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top