Romance Novels in Four Words

Some people contend that the premises for most great speculative fiction can be summarized in one sentence. We here at Smart Bitches like to go a bit further than that: we maintain that the premises and plot points for the best (and worst) romance novels can be summarized in four words. Feel free to play along at home and try to guess the the novels we’re talking about, and provide a four-word précis for your own favorites in the comments.

Virgin royalty spontaneously lactates.

Unwilling wife? Use cream!

Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires!

Chicken Marsala, great shoes.

Victorian miss loves ninja.

Not retarded; just deaf.

Not retarded; stroke victim.

Hedgehog saves the day.

Soon she’ll settle in.

Rape rape rape. Virgin!

Not really a whore.

Preserve virginity with image

The widow’s a VIRGIN!

Scarface finds true love.

Who is the daddy?

Evil twin = true love. (OK, so this one is sort of cheating a little with the word requirement.)

Cross-dressing captain’s crew? Buttpirates.

Conscientious objector is virgin.

Her mom: Hester Stanhope.

No memory? No problem!

Synesthetic musician seduces ingénue.

Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. (Alternatively: Love and bubonic plague.)

Her trauma? Scarred legs.

No condom means love.

He was a hooker.

Unbalanced highwayman in love.

She fucks fey folk.

She fucks moving things.

Categorized:

Fun And Games

Comments are Closed

  1. L. Francesca says:

    Blah. Forgot: Carnally Ever After by Jackie Barbosa is one such answer to preserves virginity with buttsecks.

    Though, the cucumber gets me every time.

  2. Arethusa says:

    Oh, oh, scarred legs is “Again the Magic” by Kleypas.

    David, you’re right, I forgot that 19th C England did not have Maury.

  3. TracyS says:

    Chicken Marsala, Great Shoes=Bet Me. The reason she ate the marsala all the time is b/c of her mom ordering her a smaller dress for the wedding so she couldn’t eat the carbs in pasta.

    Not Retarded, Just Deaf=Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson.

    Ehxtra HhĆ¢ā‚¬ā„¢s? Anghsty Vhampires! J.R. Ward’s Brotherhood

    Scarface finds true love=The Raven Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt

    He was a hooker=I thought of two Fallen From Grace by Laura Leone and Chesapeake Blue by Nora Roberts

    Not really a whore=any Diana Palmer šŸ˜‰

    It’s kind of scary how many of these I know!! And from reading the comments the descriptions can fit for more than one book in many cases.

  4. Lisa says:

    I haven’t looked at the other responses yet, but I’m so damned eager to do so. Damn corporate firewalls.

    Unwilling wife? Use cream! – Every other Catherine Coulter I’ve read.

    Ehxtra HhĆ¢ā‚¬ā„¢s? Anghsty Vhampires! – J.R. Ward’s BDB

    Chicken Marsala, great shoes. – Bet Me by Crusie

    Not retarded; just deaf. – Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson, or Silent Melody by Balogh.

    Rape rape rape. Virgin! – Every other Catherine Coulter?

    Not really a whore. – Every Diana Palmer

    The widowĆ¢ā‚¬ā„¢s a VIRGIN! – About 1/3rd of the regencies I read.

    No memory? No problem! – Er. This could be any number of Silhouette lines.

    He was a hooker. – Laura Leone, Fallen From Grace

    She fucks fey folk. – Oh for pity’s sake. Merry Gentry.

    She fucks moving things. – Again. For fuck’s sake. Really for fuck’s sake. Anita Blake.

    Spam filter: problems93. I have 93 problems? Dang… that’s less than I thought.

  5. Well, I feel like an idiot for not being able to guess a single one listed here (although I’m sure I’ve read most of them).  However, I did have fun coming up with four words descriptors for my own stories! LOL!

  6. lurker says:

    Isn’t scarred legs also from “Awaken, My Love”?

  7. Diane says:

    “Preserve Virginity with Buttsecks” is Lora Leigh’s
    SACRIFICE (Book 5 of Bound Hearts series)

    The heroine was forced by her father to have her virginity confirmed by a doctor annually…so she had buttsecks with anyone with a penis.

  8. Cat Marsters says:

    Okay, so I got the ehxhtrha H’s and the chicken marsala, but that was it.  Apart from the ones that seemed to describe so many books I couldn’t possibly pick one (mostly the rape/babyfather/virgin ones!).

    Although I really want to know about the hedgehog…

    Here’s a couple more:

    Happy Crook Marries Mayor

    Loved Through Past Lives (okay, I admit that’s a bit generic; could also be Past Life Suicide Pact)

    Sex Slave In Book

    I’m A Fuckwit Magnet

    Like Whoa, I’m Royal?

    Actually I’m A Ghost

    And now I’m gonna go and do these for my own books…

  9. Christina says:

    Happy crook marries mayor—Welcome to Temptation by Jennifer Crusie

    Loved Through Past Lives—Remembrance by Jude Deveraux

  10. Joanna S. says:

    “I’m A Fuckwit Magnet” – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    *Wipes eyes*

    Srsly. That one is hilarious, and I would buy that book based on the title alone…

    And as for the rest:

    “Soon She’ll Settle In” = The Bride (Julie Garwood)…it’s the phrase the hero & heroine keep using throughout.

    And, really, don’t both Merry Gentry AND Anita Blake fuck anything moving?  If it can be nailed down, then by GAWD those women will nail it!

  11. Cat Marsters says:

    Christina—yep!

    Joanna—I have a sudden yen to write a book called that now…

  12. Joanna S. says:

    Please, Cat!  Puh-leeeease. *does peepee dance* If you did, I would love you like whooodamn. 

    I’d even make it required reading in my classes on women and literature…somehow, it just seems right.

  13. Jennifer says:

    * Conspiracy theorist is right. (this is a chick lit series, if that’s any help to ya).

    * Eggs rotting = sperm banditry!

    * Work = fun? Who knew?!

    * The spy’s a girl.

    * Is Electric Girl crazy?

    * Singles guru “gets” man.

    * He’s “dumb”, she’s smart.

    * (Three words!) Everybody Loves Fred

    * Pretty girl goes plain.

    * Virgin has illegitimate baby. (Not Mary.)

    * Everyone chases rare bird.

    * Date him, marry elsewhere.

    * Gods, mortals swap mates.

    * Princess steals Mom’s necklace.

  14. Jackie happy dances because her book got mentioned in a Smart Bitches comment and she didn’t even have to do it herself.

    /exit stage left to pop champagne bottle

  15. Cat Marsters says:

    I dunno, Jen, but ‘Conspiracy theorist is right’ and ‘The spyĆ¢ā‚¬ā„¢s a girl’ sound like books I’ve written.  I gave them four-word names too.

    And while I’m A Fuckwit Magnet probably wouldn’t get on shelves with that title, it did okay as Bridget Jones’s Diary.

    Oh…and Everybody Loves Fred is Anyone But You by Crusie.

    How about (looking at my shelves again)

    Polo Players Are Horny

    Being A Vampire Sucks

    Psychic Waitress In Hicksville

    Mind Fuck, My Love?

    Okay, okay…I’ll stop now.  Maybe.  Must Go To Bed.

  16. Oh, I think I know some of these:

    * Singles guru “gets” man = Match Me If You Can(?)

    * He’s “dumb”, she’s smart = Nobody’s Baby But Mine

    And from Cat…

    Psychic Waitress in Hicksville = Sookie Stackhouse novels.

  17. Blue Tyson says:

    Assassins make it better.

    Obsidian Butterfly, Laurell K. Hamilton.

  18. Heidi says:

    *She’s a cripple Mom*

    *loses weight, gains trainer*

    *high school lover revisited*

    *fly my purple hovercraft*

    perhaps not as funny as the buttsecks, but maybe tantalizing nonetheless šŸ˜‰

  19. No condom means love = every single Harlequin Temptation I ever read in the late 80s/early 90s. Srsly.

    And Polo Players Are Horny = Polo by Jilly Cooper. Replace “polo players” with occupation of your choice for her other books.

  20. Susan/DC says:

    He’s “dumb”, she’s smart also describes Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase.

  21. LadyRhian says:

    Gods, mortals swap mates. – Goddess of Love by P.C. Cast

  22. Nemiroff says:

    Tricor | Avapro | Glyburide | Hyzaar | Relafen |  Help! Save Three Babies:  HIGH PROFILE CRIMINAL CASE. THREE BABIES LOOSE THEIR MOTHERS.

  23. Mel-O-Drama says:

    You got spammed. LOL

    seriously spammed.

    And why is it that spammed isn’t recognized by microsoft as a legitimate word yet?

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