Some people contend that the premises for most great speculative fiction can be summarized in one sentence. We here at Smart Bitches like to go a bit further than that: we maintain that the premises and plot points for the best (and worst) romance novels can be summarized in four words. Feel free to play along at home and try to guess the the novels we’re talking about, and provide a four-word précis for your own favorites in the comments.
Virgin royalty spontaneously lactates.
Unwilling wife? Use cream!
Ehxtra Hh’s? Anghsty Vhampires!
Chicken Marsala, great shoes.
Victorian miss loves ninja.
Not retarded; just deaf.
Not retarded; stroke victim.
Hedgehog saves the day.
Soon she’ll settle in.
Rape rape rape. Virgin!
Not really a whore.
Preserve virginity with
The widow’s a VIRGIN!
Scarface finds true love.
Who is the daddy?
Evil twin = true love. (OK, so this one is sort of cheating a little with the word requirement.)
Cross-dressing captain’s crew? Buttpirates.
Conscientious objector is virgin.
Her mom: Hester Stanhope.
No memory? No problem!
Synesthetic musician seduces ingénue.
Jewboy loves shiksa aristocrat. (Alternatively: Love and bubonic plague.)
Her trauma? Scarred legs.
No condom means love.
He was a hooker.
Unbalanced highwayman in love.
She fucks fey folk.
She fucks moving things.
Blah. Forgot: Carnally Ever After by Jackie Barbosa is one such answer to preserves virginity with buttsecks.
Though, the cucumber gets me every time.
Oh, oh, scarred legs is “Again the Magic” by Kleypas.
David, you’re right, I forgot that 19th C England did not have Maury.
Chicken Marsala, Great Shoes=Bet Me. The reason she ate the marsala all the time is b/c of her mom ordering her a smaller dress for the wedding so she couldn’t eat the carbs in pasta.
Not Retarded, Just Deaf=Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson.
Ehxtra HhĆ¢ā¬ā¢s? Anghsty Vhampires! J.R. Ward’s Brotherhood
Scarface finds true love=The Raven Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt
He was a hooker=I thought of two Fallen From Grace by Laura Leone and Chesapeake Blue by Nora Roberts
Not really a whore=any Diana Palmer š
It’s kind of scary how many of these I know!! And from reading the comments the descriptions can fit for more than one book in many cases.
I haven’t looked at the other responses yet, but I’m so damned eager to do so. Damn corporate firewalls.
Unwilling wife? Use cream! – Every other Catherine Coulter I’ve read.
Ehxtra HhĆ¢ā¬ā¢s? Anghsty Vhampires! – J.R. Ward’s BDB
Chicken Marsala, great shoes. – Bet Me by Crusie
Not retarded; just deaf. – Annie’s Song by Catherine Anderson, or Silent Melody by Balogh.
Rape rape rape. Virgin! – Every other Catherine Coulter?
Not really a whore. – Every Diana Palmer
The widowĆ¢ā¬ā¢s a VIRGIN! – About 1/3rd of the regencies I read.
No memory? No problem! – Er. This could be any number of Silhouette lines.
He was a hooker. – Laura Leone, Fallen From Grace
She fucks fey folk. – Oh for pity’s sake. Merry Gentry.
She fucks moving things. – Again. For fuck’s sake. Really for fuck’s sake. Anita Blake.
Spam filter: problems93. I have 93 problems? Dang… that’s less than I thought.
Well, I feel like an idiot for not being able to guess a single one listed here (although I’m sure I’ve read most of them). However, I did have fun coming up with four words descriptors for my own stories! LOL!
Isn’t scarred legs also from “Awaken, My Love”?
“Preserve Virginity with Buttsecks” is Lora Leigh’s
SACRIFICE (Book 5 of Bound Hearts series)
The heroine was forced by her father to have her virginity confirmed by a doctor annually…so she had buttsecks with anyone with a penis.
Okay, so I got the ehxhtrha H’s and the chicken marsala, but that was it. Apart from the ones that seemed to describe so many books I couldn’t possibly pick one (mostly the rape/babyfather/virgin ones!).
Although I really want to know about the hedgehog…
Here’s a couple more:
Happy Crook Marries Mayor
Loved Through Past Lives (okay, I admit that’s a bit generic; could also be Past Life Suicide Pact)
Sex Slave In Book
I’m A Fuckwit Magnet
Like Whoa, I’m Royal?
Actually I’m A Ghost
And now I’m gonna go and do these for my own books…
Happy crook marries mayor—Welcome to Temptation by Jennifer Crusie
Loved Through Past Lives—Remembrance by Jude Deveraux
“I’m A Fuckwit Magnet” – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
*Wipes eyes*
Srsly. That one is hilarious, and I would buy that book based on the title alone…
And as for the rest:
“Soon She’ll Settle In” = The Bride (Julie Garwood)…it’s the phrase the hero & heroine keep using throughout.
And, really, don’t both Merry Gentry AND Anita Blake fuck anything moving? If it can be nailed down, then by GAWD those women will nail it!
Christina—yep!
Joanna—I have a sudden yen to write a book called that now…
Please, Cat! Puh-leeeease. *does peepee dance* If you did, I would love you like whooodamn.
I’d even make it required reading in my classes on women and literature…somehow, it just seems right.
* Conspiracy theorist is right. (this is a chick lit series, if that’s any help to ya).
* Eggs rotting = sperm banditry!
* Work = fun? Who knew?!
* The spy’s a girl.
* Is Electric Girl crazy?
* Singles guru “gets” man.
* He’s “dumb”, she’s smart.
* (Three words!) Everybody Loves Fred
* Pretty girl goes plain.
* Virgin has illegitimate baby. (Not Mary.)
* Everyone chases rare bird.
* Date him, marry elsewhere.
* Gods, mortals swap mates.
* Princess steals Mom’s necklace.
Jackie happy dances because her book got mentioned in a Smart Bitches comment and she didn’t even have to do it herself.
/exit stage left to pop champagne bottle
I dunno, Jen, but ‘Conspiracy theorist is right’ and ‘The spyĆ¢ā¬ā¢s a girl’ sound like books I’ve written. I gave them four-word names too.
And while I’m A Fuckwit Magnet probably wouldn’t get on shelves with that title, it did okay as Bridget Jones’s Diary.
Oh…and Everybody Loves Fred is Anyone But You by Crusie.
How about (looking at my shelves again)
Polo Players Are Horny
Being A Vampire Sucks
Psychic Waitress In Hicksville
Mind Fuck, My Love?
Okay, okay…I’ll stop now. Maybe. Must Go To Bed.
Oh, I think I know some of these:
* Singles guru “gets” man = Match Me If You Can(?)
* He’s “dumb”, she’s smart = Nobody’s Baby But Mine
And from Cat…
Psychic Waitress in Hicksville = Sookie Stackhouse novels.
Assassins make it better.
Obsidian Butterfly, Laurell K. Hamilton.
*She’s a cripple Mom*
*loses weight, gains trainer*
*high school lover revisited*
*fly my purple hovercraft*
perhaps not as funny as the buttsecks, but maybe tantalizing nonetheless š
No condom means love = every single Harlequin Temptation I ever read in the late 80s/early 90s. Srsly.
And Polo Players Are Horny = Polo by Jilly Cooper. Replace “polo players” with occupation of your choice for her other books.
He’s “dumb”, she’s smart also describes Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase.
Gods, mortals swap mates. – Goddess of Love by P.C. Cast
Tricor | Avapro | Glyburide | Hyzaar | Relafen | Help! Save Three Babies: HIGH PROFILE CRIMINAL CASE. THREE BABIES LOOSE THEIR MOTHERS.
You got spammed. LOL
seriously spammed.
And why is it that spammed isn’t recognized by microsoft as a legitimate word yet?