Old School Horror Show

Lady Rhian’s scanner is keeping track of how many eyeball searing images it has to scan in, and it’s going to rise up like the robots in Terminator and decide our fate in a nanosecond. That fate will likely involve a lot of mullets. But until then, we are in Lady R’s debt. Because damn.

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Sarah: Who came up with this series title? The same people who advertise monster truck rallies on the radio?

“SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY with POWER POWER POWER.  It’s Ecstasy Supreme GEEZER SEX! The old man scrumpin’ is so good, you won’t notice a shipwreck happening RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”

Candy: Unknown fact: Tempestuous Eden is actually the guy’s drag queen sobriquet. He’s moving his hand slowwwwly up her so he can rip off her panties…for himself.

Also, where’s the woman’s right arm? Given the angle of the shoulder, we should be able to see it. Is she a Thalidomide baby?

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Sarah: You’d think this was a purple prose-laden novel about grapes and sex, but no. It’s actually a paranormal inspired by the Tooms episodes of the X-Files, only instead of stealing livers, Eugenia there steals boobs. See how she sucks the breasteses out of Mr. Tangled Mullet Wearing Cop Pants, and harvests his man titty for her very very own? Frightening beyond belief, I tell you. Gives me the shivers.

Candy: This educational maverick is sacrificing himself in order to demonstrate to us this age-old question: How do you teach a blind person anatomy?

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Sarah: This might qualify for The Cover that Snarks Itself. What, pray tell, is Mightier than the Sword? Her perm? His very tight pants? Or my suspicion that he’s about to toss her chemically processed booty right into that fire?

Candy: What’s Mightier than the Sword? Her Aquanet, that’s what. Why do you think he seems so intent on fox-trotting her into the fireplace? He stands to inherit, and hairspray is VERY flammable.

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Sarah: Little known trivia: The artist misheard the title during the art meeting. He thought it was “Wide are My Shoulders.”

Candy: Wild is their love. Savage is their wax job. Orange is their fake tan. Helmet-like is his hairstyle. Caked-on is her make-up.

Comments are Closed

  1. Teddy Pig says:

    Oops, read the Janelle Taylor one.

    I still am wondering what that thing in the background of the first book is.
    It’s looks more like a Godzilla type monster ready to rise from the murky depths.

  2. Teddy Pig says:

    Oh and about Midnight Promise… the guy is wearing more make-up and has had more full body electrolysis done than she ever will.
    Oh honey, look, you can feel his boobies all you want but his mighty sword ain’t coming out to play.

    He be teh ghey!

  3. Toddson says:

    On Mightier than the Sword – is that Mariah Carey?

  4. Rosemary says:

    Holy crap!  Jessi Spano’s a cover model!! 

    That is Jessi Spano on the cover of Mightier than the Sword!

  5. Angelina says:

    Being a child of the eighties I have seen some pretty bad novel covers but the one I can’t help snarking is Wild Is My Love. I think a better title would be:
    My Heimlich maneuver, Let me show you.

    my spaminator word can 59
    I can has steroids?

  6. Teddy Pig says:

    I don’t know but I think these may be a highly collectible art form some day.
    I see classes like Romantic Primitive Cover Art 103…

    In this class we shall look at the original cover art for Johanna Lindsey.
    Tracing the progression of this ribald commercial art form from Captive Bride to the eventual demise of Romantic Primitive in the mid 1990s.

  7. Teddy Pig says:

    OOOOH A Smart Bitches Romantic Cover Snark coffee table book!

  8. Yvonne says:

    Oh, yea. Coffee table snarkage.
    I’ll buy that for a dollar.

  9. Manon says:

    A Smart Bitches Romantic Cover Snark coffee table book!

    I’d buy it.

    (Is it wrong that I really dig Wild Is My Love’s dress?)

  10. I still am wondering what that thing in the background of the first book is.

    It’s the Argo. It’s a little known fact that on their way back home, Jason and his Argonauts took a wrong turn, fell through that horrid, hidden hole in time, and landed smack right in front of a waterfall in Romancelandia. So far, the Gods haven’t yet figured out how to get the poor guys back into their own time.

    (I guess I had too many cough drops today …)

  11. Teddy Pig says:

    Argo, now I get it! Something like…

    Marshall, Will and Holly
    On a routine expedition
    Met the greatest earthquake ever known
    High on the rapids It struck their tiny raft (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH)
    And plunged them down a thousand feet below
    To the Land of the Lost
    To the Land of the Lost
    To the Land of the Lost

  12. Teddy Pig says:

    So all grown up Holly is seen kissing a Sleestak on this cover?

  13. Nancy Beck says:

    Also, where’s the woman’s left arm? Given the angle of the shoulder, we should be able to see it. Is she a Thalidomide baby?
    =====
    Erm, you mean right arm… wink

    2nd cover: Man Titty Harvester! ::snerk::

  14. dl says:

    Mightier Than The Sword…ack, that’s awful. Luckily don’t drink my morning Chai while reading cover snarkage.

    What’s with the Wild woman’s pose?  Really, grab somebody & try to duplicate it…won’t work.

    Coffee Table Snarkage…I want one!

  15. Sandra D says:

    On a slightly related note to the idea of a Smart Bitches book (love it btw), when are we going to see Smart Bitches cover quotes?

  16. Lorelie says:

    On Mightier than the Sword, am I the only one who thinks it looks like dude’s trying to climb in her lap?

  17. Carrie Lofty says:

    AT LAST, we have mantitty fondling. Most times they just stand there, chest out, breeches tight, mullet flowing. Please do not touch the exhibit. Rarely does the heroine actually reach out to fondle the magnificence and marvel at the glorious freak of nature. More power to you, Girl Who Looks Surprisingly Ethnic. (Quick Amazon check: Turns out she’s Mexican.)

  18. OMG!  Teddy, you’re hilarious.

    And I think I see “Romance Culture 101”
    “In our syllabus, you will note that we have listed “Man Titty Covers” for two weeks.  It will take us that long to cover the material.”

  19. MaryKate says:

    OK, the chick on the cover of Midnight Promise looks strangely like Lisa Peluso, who played Ava Masters on Loving (anyone remember Loving? It was on before All My Children in the 80s and 90s. No one? Ok, maybe it’s just me.)

    Here’s her photo:

  20. Sana-chan says:

    Candelight Ecstacy Supreme kind of makes me think of some over the top coffee drink from Starbucks or something. I don’t think I’d be willing to drink it though…

  21. Chrissy says:

    I’m gonna’ to have the ecstacy supreme, no whip, with an extra shot and two sweet n low.

    Do you guys have the blueberry crumble bars today?

  22. Phyllis says:

    Midnight Promise looks more like she was reaching to tickle him and he grabbed her hand. Maybe she was plucking his armpit hairs. “Oooh baby, you missed some when you had your wax job.”

  23. --E says:

    The Tempestous Eden guy has a giant head, wild Is My Love guy has shoulders that would make a comic book hero jealous. Maybe they just need to swap heads and it would all look right.

    (And I just typoed that as “tempustuous.” Ahem.)

    On Mightier… I didn’t think she has a perm. Maybe it’s just the color of the scan and her Tyra Banks eyebrows, but I thought the model has some African going on in her background. She kind of looks like Gina Torres to me. I was gonna give props to the publisher for an interracial couple, but reading the book synop on Amazon, seems she’s supposed to be Anglo-white.

    I want to know what kind of boat that is on the cover of Tempestuous Eden. Those are not sails. Those are wings.

  24. Kimberly Anne says:

    Correct as usual, Queen—E.  Those are indeed wings.  Pterodactyl wings.  See, when Marshall, Will, and Holly found themselves in The Land of the Lost, they knew only a new and improved boat would get them out.  One that could fly.

    But Holly, she was hypnotized by the power of a freshly shaven Chaka, and now Will and Marshall are at the mercy of the rapids.  Butt heir forbidden lurve will claim more than two lives.  Holly, once sated, will rip off Chaka’s still-hairy arms and feast heartily.  And Chaka, he has a taste for thigh.  Witness how they size up each other’s meatiness.

    I think that joke went on much too long.

  25. rebyj says:

    Tempetuous eden: there is a sinking ship in the background, her feet are tangled in what appears to be seaweed as if he’d just pulled her out of the water..and yet, both of them are dry and both of their hair styles are perfectly feathered.

    This book must have been written before realism was introduced into romance novels, you know, like in the black dagger brotherhood novels LMAO

  26. Kimberly Anne says:

    “But their”, not “butt heir”!

    *headdesk*

    A butt heir might be interesting, though.

  27. Toddson says:

    Butt heir is what you get after buttsecks?

    (cannot81, hee!)

  28. smartmensab-tch says:

    I want the coffee table book!  Maybe in time for Xmas 2008?

  29. Taekduu says:

    Is it just me or does it look like the Tempestuous Eden chick is being dragged back into the sea.  Note how we cannot see more than a bare hint of calf.  Is she actually a plantmonster seducing the geezer?  Next as he runs his hand under her skirt we find out… maybe she is a he?  Just a question.

    Or I am reading far too much into the cover.

  30. Hollyn says:

    On Mightier- What is up with that guys leg? Does he have a little captain in him or something? I know there’s a bed right behind them…but it just looks like a really awkward position to be in.

    safety word: believe61
    I believe the Pen is mightier.

  31. Butt heir!  Ahahahahahahahaha!

    I keep wanting to give these covers the LOL treatment.

    Tempestuous Eden—“Ur earlobe, it has a flavr”

    Midnight Promise—“I can has mantitty?” (clearly this book is set in the land of the midnight sun, too)

    Mightier Than The Sword—either “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG” or “Bad breath makes LOLChick sad.”

    Wild Is My Love—“My RealDoll, let me show you it…”  (fun thing with this one is figuring out which one is the doll!)

  32. Candy says:

    “Erm, you mean right arm… wink”

    Whoops! You’re right. Durrrrr.

  33. SB Sarah says:

    On a slightly related note to the idea of a Smart Bitches book (love it btw), when are we going to see Smart Bitches cover quotes?

    You mean like, “I laughed, I cried, it was better than CATS?” We can totally do that.

  34. Rachel B. says:

    I can’t believe nobody has mentioned how transparent Wild’s dress is! I mean, her thighs are gleaming pinkly through the gauze. Who makes a dress out of cheesecloth, anyway?!

  35. Teddy Pig says:

    I just think it would be great to not only have a large book devoted to collecting all these wonderfully snark-a-licious over the top Romance Covers but also added commentary.

    I have to admit deep in my cold cold heart there is a soft spot for all of them.

  36. smartmensab-tch says:

    “I can’t believe nobody has mentioned how transparent Wild’s dress is! I mean, her thighs are gleaming pinkly through the gauze. Who makes a dress out of cheesecloth, anyway?!”

    Rachel B – I don’t know if anybody makes, or made, dresses out of cheesecloth, but remember – during the French Directorate and the English Regency periods, it was fashionable for women to wear thin muslin dresses in public with nothing under them.  They even moistened the fabric for more cling. At least, so I’ve read.

    And people think women dress like sluts NOW!

    Personally, I give that type of exhibit only to the favored few.  Too good for the general public!

  37. Charlene says:

    Tempestuous Eden: what in the name of God is John O’Hurley doing on the cover of a romance novel?

    Midnight Promise: Desalvo seems to be very interested in the heroine’s choice of lipstick. And well he should be; it keeps his eyes off the dress, which saves him from having a seizure.

    (The Penis) Mightier than the Sword: why does the look on Mariah’s face make me wonder exactly where his left hand is?

    Wild Is My Love: Rob Liefeld, cover artist.

  38. Susan says:

    ““But their”, not “butt heir”!

    *headdesk*

    A butt heir might be interesting, though. “

    Oh wow…that one just might get me through the day at work…it’s parents day at VT, so kids are bringing their parents to the library. So now whenever I get a stupid question, I will just think of Butt heirs, and continue smiling.

  39. Rachel B. says:

    smartmensab-tch you are right! I completely forgot that. Still, I must say it’s awesomely trash-a-licious to see it on the cover.

    And Charlene—you are so right! It’s totally Rob Liefeld, except that the feet aren’t really small enough to be vintage Liefeld.

  40. megalith says:

    How Wild is My Cover: Not familiar with Liefeld—the only cover artists I usually recognize on sight are Honi Werner and Palencar, and George Long’s cover designs—but I did notice the artist’s name is down by the boot. (Why our heroine would be wearing that dress while our hero’s in some kind of frontier boots-waistband-and-yet-bare-thighs getup is beyond me. Is it a kilt, shorts, liederhosen? Is he a blond Native American? And the wristband? My brain hurts trying to decode the Romanceland costume clues.) Anyway, at first the name looked like Granville, but the more I look at it the more it looks like Gignalli. Or Gigolo. Maybe it’s not the artist’s name but a clue: the hero is a Native American Scottish Viking “escort” from the land of improbable topography and flat trees. And he’s sad sad sad ‘cause she’s just using him for buttsecks. ‘Cause their love is wild, folks. Wild.

    Or, I could just be bored…

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