Vampires, Skinny Women, Buxom Women, and a Big Belt Buckle

I received a PR notice about a new CBS Show called “Moonlight”, which, according to the release, is about “Mick St. John (Alex O’Loughlin), a captivating, charming and immortal private investigator from Los Angeles who defies the traditional blood-sucking norms of his vampire tendencies by using his wit and powerful supernatural abilities to help the living.”

Check out the publicity photo and let’s count the verbal and visual vampire clichés as I assign random point values to each!

1 pt: “Saint X” in the last name of the hero – subtle reinforcement of heroic character!

2 pts: crossing vampire with private investigator to come up with angsty secretive reinforcement of heroic character! As my television guru says, it’s Angel plus additional Law & Order angst and drama – it’s Law & Order: Vampire Unit with, I suspect, emphasis on the vampire’s unit.

10000000 pts: That looks suspiciously like a MULLET! On PRIME TIME! I think I have to go lie down from the overwhelming awesomeness.

3 pts: Wayne Newton belt buckle – subtle reinforcement of… I have no idea.

2 pts: Extremely skinny woman in skin-tight dress showing off the fact that if she turns to the side, you can barely see her. Subtle reinforcement of unattainable body image for women. Mortal women.

3 pts: Additional skinny yet supremely buxom woman with unflattering wide-legged pants and anorak – to contrast with extremely skinny woman. Subtle reinforcement of L.L. Bean attire as unflattering fashion choice? (Does L.L. Bean sell silver anoraks?)

4 pts: Can we talk some more about St. Hero’s attire? Black shirt, black jacket, black pants, silver sparkly belt buckle? He’s like a superhero… IN HIS PANTS.

3 pts: Completely nondescript male sidekick.

1 pt: Sidekick’s shirt is too tight.

1 pt: Sidekick’s pants are too long.

3 pts: Nice placemen of big silver phallus emerging from St. Angst Superhero’s tushy, eh? Subtle reinforcement of gay subtext? I can only hope so!

 

 

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  1. 1
    Robyn says:

    Haven’t they already done this? It was called “Forever Knight’ or something like that. Vamp police detective hero, his sexy partner, and a pretty semi-love interest coroner, whom he wound up draining in the last show. It was awesome.

  2. 2
    Tamar says:

    Erm, I don’t disagree about the cliche-riddled show premise but said nondescript sidekick is actually the guy who played Logan on Veronica Mars.  Not necessarily that much to look at, but incredibly charismatic onscreen (also a very good actor).

  3. 3
    veinglory says:

    I was going to say, no need to mix shows—it’s Forever Knight, redux. 

    Is it just me or does the brunette chick have a huge head?

  4. 4
    Anna says:

    Oh, my.  That’s a horrible publicity photo.  I’m hoping the show is better.  As Tamar mentions, the sidekick is a pretty charismatic actor.

  5. 5
    desertwillow says:

    Sounds like Forever Knight. Do you suppose they have historical flashbacks?

  6. 6

    This guy is sooooo not doing it for me.  *Sigh*  My imagination is better than Hollywood’s reality.

  7. 7
    Alecto says:

    Is it just me or does the brunette chick have a huge head?

    That, or the photoshoppers on the promo team whittled her body down too small.

    And century15 is a most apt word for a show about a vampire. I swear that thing is sentient.

  8. 8
    Marta Acosta says:

    Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, the Percocet has addled your delicate little brain.  This photo is a diabolically clever assemblage of important messages.

    -“Saint” in the last name is a prayer that the show will succeed.  It’s the Hollywood equivalent of lighting a candle to St. Anthony.

    -Crossing a vampire with a private investigator is an homage to Raymond Chandler.  His PI’s were embalmed most of the time.  So look for witty lines of hardboiled cynicism.

    -The Wayne Newton belt buckle is an allusion to “Ferris Buellar’s Day Off.”  You may recall the joyous scene where Ferris sings “Danke Schoen,” the big Newton hit.  The producers have said this is a lighthearted show and is their way of cuing fun-fun-fun to the audience.  I’m looking forward to the shower with soap Mohawk scene!

    -Extremely skinny women with big heads are called lollypops.  “And dream away,dream away” is the chorus of Shirley Temple’s “The Good Ship Lollypop.”  This crazy bitch tells you it’s a fantasy.

    -The anorak signifies that there will be frequent scenes with rain.  The bell bottoms capitalize on the new Tim Gunn show—balance out your top with your bottom.  They’re seeking an audience who cares about fashion. And vampires. And Wayne Newton. And ‘30s child stars.

  9. 9

    Umm what about those black gloves on the WAYYY too skinny chick? Are aren’t her shoes made for chasing the bad guys? Reminds of my hospital shows where they put the nurses in white high-heels!

  10. 10
    Molly says:

    *goes to site, only looks at names and images*

    My guess is that Beth Turner will be the primary female crime-solver and have an epic romance with Josef.  Mick St. John will have an eternal will they-won’t they UST with Coraline, which won’t be resolved until (maybe) they receive a Cease and Desist order from Neil Gaiman’s lawyers.

    Or not, since Neil has failed to sic his lawyers on various Tim Hunter copies.

  11. 11
    JulieB says:

    Note where the subtle silver phallus (which is almost as much fun to type as it is to say)is pointed; at anorak-woman’s booty.

    But “anorak;” I thought that was translated as a “parka.” “Tu n’as pas ton anorak?”
    (A few chapters after the famous: “Bonjour Phillip!”
    “Bonjour Alice! Ca va?”
    “Oui ca va, et toi?”
    “Pas mal!” Dialogue so many of us sweated over.)

    Also, what is the subtext of the nipple on the lollypop lady?

  12. 12
    Angel says:

    Private investigator vampire? Check. All black attire? Check. Hottie chicks and a male side-kick? Check.

    Yes. It’s Angel: The Rip-Off.

    Dear St. Hero,

    Being a broody P.I. vamp all dressed in black isn’t cool unless you’ve got a soul, a witty and charming Cordelia around to make fun of you, and awesome writers who poke fun at you lots and lots whilst maintaining your pathos.

    I hate that I’m going to be forced to watch your stupid show because of

    Logan Echolls

    Jason Dohring. Grrrr.

    P.S. Bet you weren’t ever called the Scourge of Europe!

  13. 13
    Diane says:

    Is it just me or does the brunette chick have a huge head?

    Weirdly—and this must have something to do with how bodies actually appear on screen—most of the actors I met in Hollywood had heads that were much too big in proportion for their bodies. I don’t know whether it’s because you can’t diet down the size of your head, but it’s a common phenomenon.

  14. 14
    Ann Bruce says:

    My comment for “C’est Magnifique!” applies for this as well:

    Les Français ont un mot pour dire cela: fromage.

    I’m so glad I never bothered to get cable.

  15. 15
    TezMillerOz says:

    The lead actor has a mullet? Well, he is Australian… ;-)

    Have a lovely day! :-)

  16. 16
    Meggrs says:

    Damn! Alex O’Loughlin was HOT on The Shield—what the bloody hell happened?

  17. 17
    Bron says:

    Maybe it’s the camera angle… or maybe somebody squashed the image down – but don’t they all look rather on the short side??

    It’s almost enough to make me think height-challenged me might have a career in Hollywood.

    (I’d just have to reduce my age by at least 10 years, and my weight by… too much too contemplate.)

  18. 18
    JaniceG says:

    Not just “Forever Knight,” but also very similar episodes, I bet, to the current Lifetime series “Blood Ties” based on the Tanya Huff novels.

  19. 19
    Elizabeth says:

    Why does it look as if someone chopped off Sophia Myles’ feet and stuffed them down her bra?

  20. 20
    P.N. Elrod says:

    It owes some to Forever Knight, but I strongly suspect some network Suit read my Vampire Files series and made enough surface changes so a) they wouldn’t have to pay me; b) I wouldn’t be able to sue.

    Angel had similarities to my stuff but I totally adore Joss Whedon and would bear his children.

    My agent and I will be watching this one.

  21. 21

    This guy is sooooo not doing it for me.  *Sigh*

    Mr. oooh-oh-oh-I’m-so-tortured-and-so-must-run-around-with-sad-little-puppy-face? Nah, he’s doing nothing for me either. The sidekick, though, is sort of cute.

    I’ll stick to Blood Ties and the incredibly hot Henry. :)

  22. 22
    Teddypig says:

    Belt buckle the size of a dinner plate.

    Snausages!

    Pointy Collar Alert!

    What no black lace?

  23. 23
    dl says:

    For shame, who dressed this wardrobe disaster?  The skinny one is too formal, the stocky one is dressed for taking the kids to Walmart, the sidekick is kinda cute (sans clothes please), and the star…eeeek…were they trying for aa Wayne Newton look alike? I’ll have nightmares tonight for sure.

    Quick, somebody call the fashion police.

  24. 24
    dl says:

    Teddy…the skinny one has the black lace.

  25. 25

    I am terribly, terribly depressed that the two awful looking women are in fact two decent movie actresses: Shannyn Sossamon and Sophia Myles.

    Blah. My day is ruined.

  26. 26
    Ishie says:

    I don’t know if this is one of them, but are there any books/movies/tv shows where the vampires are not evil but are like “Geeze, it’s great to be a vampire.  Why spend all my time brooding and trying to throw-down with my inevitably evil brethren, when I can look young forever, do whatever I want because I have all the time in the world, and get hot young goth chicks to make out with me because I have fangs?  And if I want to end it all, hell, it’s easier for me than most people.  Hello, sunrise!”?

    Because I would totally read/watch that.

  27. 27
    JaniceG says:

    are there any books/movies/tv shows where the vampires are not evil but are like “Geeze, it’s great to be a vampire. [snip]” Because I would totally read/watch that.

    Sounds like you would enjoy the MaryJanice Davidson series starting with Unwed and Undead. I found the heroine a little too shallow and self-centered myself but friends of mine love these.

  28. 28
    DS says:

    Oh, great.  Now I am going to be forced to pronounce his name as Sinjun by that obsession I have (which I think has its roots in a Louisa May Alcott book) and no one I know will have any idea who I am talking about.

    This show was sold as a “concept” not a story so I have a feeling that it is probably doomed.  At least I have the other 13 episodes of Blood Ties to look forward to this fall. 

    Did anyone else see the 1989 pilot for Forever Knight that starred Rick Springfield?

  29. 29
    Miranda says:

    when I can look young forever, do whatever I want because I have all the time in the world, and get hot young goth chicks to make out with me because I have fangs?  And if I want to end it all,

    Nick Knight’s Sire/Nemesis, LaCroix, was pretty chipper about being a vampire. (My favorite line was when they were hiding out in the 1800’s and ran into some escaped prisoners. LaCroix: “They’re expendable. They’re lunch.” Actually, most of them were happy about it except Nick.

  30. 30
    Jackie says:

    What’s really sad is I know I’m going to watch it. I loved FOREVER KNIGHT (until it got silly, even for it). I’ll have to try this one.

    What is it about networks rehashing older shows? I recorded JOURNEYMAN last night because it looks eerily similar to QUANTUM LEAP, which I absolutely adored. Ah, Scott Bakula…

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