I’m really fond of saying things like “I love this book so much, I’d totally marry it if I could.” And then a friend of mine asked me for examples, so I started making lists. And you know what happens when Candy starts making lists. That’s right, motherfuckers—she has a distressing tendency to post them ON THE INTERNETS. (Also referring to herself in the third person.)
So!
Books I’d totally marry if I could, like, in a church and everything, and yes, you KNEW these perverse biblio-human unions were just on the horizon once those deviants and homo-sexxxuals wanted the right to get married
Sacred Hunger by Barry Unsworth
Towing Jehovah and Blameless in Abaddon by James Morrow
The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
Regeneration, The Eye in the Door and The Ghost Road by Pat Barker
The Windflower by Laura London
To Love and to Cherish by Patricia Gaffney
Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase
The Shadow and the Star by Laura Kinsale
Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
Hyperion and Fall of Hyperion by Dan Simmons
To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis
A Primate’s Memoir by Robert M. Sapolski
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling (does this make me a pedophile because it’s a children’s book, or a geriatrophile because it’s over 100 years old?)
Books I’d make out with at a party, then call up occasionally so we can have hot sex on the couch or in the foyer or in the kitchen or whatever, sometimes with other books and people in tow because we’re slutty like that
His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik
Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
Perfume by Patrick Suskind
Seize the Fire by Laura Kinsale
Midsummer Moon by Laura Kinsale
Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
You’re an Animal, Viskovitz! by Alessandro Boffa
A Cook’s Tour by Anthony Bourdain
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
To Have and to Hold by Patricia Gaffney
Only With Your Love by Lisa Kleypas
Books that I’d have hot, dirty, messy sex with once, probably while drunk, and leave first thing in the morning before they’d woken up, and then pretend I don’t recognize when I see them at the grocery store because those beer goggles were FIERCE
Anything written by Dara Joy, ever
Also Kit Garland
And Bertrice Small
Ditto anything Dragonlance
Morning Song by Karen Robards
What about you guys? Feel free to come up with categorizations of your own.