I now declare thee bibliophile and wife

I’m really fond of saying things like “I love this book so much, I’d totally marry it if I could.” And then a friend of mine asked me for examples, so I started making lists. And you know what happens when Candy starts making lists. That’s right, motherfuckers—she has a distressing tendency to post them ON THE INTERNETS. (Also referring to herself in the third person.)


Books I’d totally marry if I could, like, in a church and everything, and yes, you KNEW these perverse biblio-human unions were just on the horizon once those deviants and homo-sexxxuals wanted the right to get married
Sacred Hunger by Barry Unsworth
Towing Jehovah and Blameless in Abaddon by James Morrow
The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
Regeneration, The Eye in the Door and The Ghost Road by Pat Barker
The Windflower by Laura London
To Love and to Cherish by Patricia Gaffney
Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase
The Shadow and the Star by Laura Kinsale
Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
Hyperion and Fall of Hyperion by Dan Simmons
To Say Nothing of the Dog by Connie Willis
A Primate’s Memoir by Robert M. Sapolski
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling (does this make me a pedophile because it’s a children’s book, or a geriatrophile because it’s over 100 years old?)

Books I’d make out with at a party, then call up occasionally so we can have hot sex on the couch or in the foyer or in the kitchen or whatever, sometimes with other books and people in tow because we’re slutty like that
His Majesty’s Dragon by Naomi Novik
Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
Perfume by Patrick Suskind
Seize the Fire by Laura Kinsale
Midsummer Moon by Laura Kinsale
Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
You’re an Animal, Viskovitz! by Alessandro Boffa
A Cook’s Tour by Anthony Bourdain
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
To Have and to Hold by Patricia Gaffney
Only With Your Love by Lisa Kleypas

Books that I’d have hot, dirty, messy sex with once, probably while drunk, and leave first thing in the morning before they’d woken up, and then pretend I don’t recognize when I see them at the grocery store because those beer goggles were FIERCE
Anything written by Dara Joy, ever
Also Kit Garland
And Bertrice Small
Ditto anything Dragonlance
Morning Song by Karen Robards

What about you guys? Feel free to come up with categorizations of your own.


General Bitching...

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Shannon C. says:

    I don’t know if I’d marry

    Lord of Scoundrels

    , but I would totally have sex with it between other affairs.

    Hmmm, books I’d marry:

    Brothers in Arms

    by Lois McMaster Bujold

    Someplace to be Flying

    by Charles de Lint
    Books I should marry, but won’t because I’m waiting for a book with better chemistry:

    Kushiel’s Dart

    by Jacqueline Carey

    Lover Eternal

    by J. R. Ward

    Books I would have a secret, sleazy one-night stand with and then not speak to in the morning:
    I’m with Candy, anything by Dara Joy. Also Robin D. Owens, Mercedes Lackey, and Jude Deveraux.

    I feel I should also mention the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin in here somewhere. Maybe they’re the books I would marry, except the marrige would be violent, tempestuous, and probably involve lots of things getting broken, because that’s just the kind of series ASOIF is.

  2. 2
    Katie W. says:

    Books I would marry and have novella children with:

    Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger
    Wonder Boys by Michael Chabon
    Feast of Love by Charles Baxter
    The Hot Zone by Richard Preston
    A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf
    Entire Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling
    The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
    Possession by AS Byatt
    Welcome to Temptation by Jennifer Crusie
    Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich

    Books that I would totally take out for drinks, or a sober dinner:

    Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp
    Parched by Heather King
    More, Now, Again by Elizabeth Wurtzel
    Rolling Away by Lynne Marie Smith
    Thing of Beauty: The Tragedy of Supermodel Gia by Stephen Fried
    It Ain’t No Sin To Be Glad You’re Alive bio of Bruce Springsteen by Eric Alterman
    Random Family: Love, Drugs, Trouble and Coming of Age in the Bronx by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc

  3. 3
    Lady T says:

    Books that started out as charmingly sweet relationships until I fully committed myself to them and only then did they reveal their true crazyface natures which lead to me fleeing for my life(and a restrainting order)like the heroine of a bad boyfriend themed Lifetime Channel movie:

    Anne Rice’s later Vampire Chronicles(after Tales of the Body Thief)and Lasher related titles

    Laurell K. Hamilton-‘nuff said

    Any of the Dune series written after Frank Herbert departed this earth(or God Emperor of Dune,pick your poison)

    Books that I like “as a friend” but if I see them on my Caller ID,they can just leave a message:

    Wuthering Heights/Emily Bronte
    Atlas Shrugged/Ayn Rand
    Most of Jackie Collins
    The Exorcist/WP Blatty

    Books that I have to be honest with and say”Sorry,hon,but the movie was just so much better!”

    The Witches of Eastwick/Updike
    Bridges of Madison County/Waller
    The Hunger/Strieber

    Books that I wish were real people that I could call up on the phone and dish about the latest current event with:

    The Jane Austen Book Club/Fowler

    Special Topics in Calamity Physics/Persl

    Empire Falls/Russo

    Anything by Jane Austen

    Sheila’s Wedding/O’Flanagan

    Rachel’s Holiday/Marian Keyes

    Books that make me want to do the whole Wayne’s World”We’re not worthy!” bit:

    The Crimson Petal and the White/Faber

    End of the Affair/Graham Greene

    Mammoth Cheese/Sheri Holman

    Anything by Patricia Highsmith

    Atonement/Ian McEwan

    Amazing Adventures of Kavieler and Clay/Chabon

  4. 4

    I’d have bebbies with Connie Brockway’s As You Desire, but everyone who knows me already know that.

  5. 5
    Stephanie says:

    Books I’d Pull the “It’s Not You, It’s Me” on:

    All of the (late) Robert Jordans
    Holly Black’s Modern Novels of Faerie
    Patrick O’Brien’s stuff

    (I’m sure they’re great books; just not to my taste.)

  6. 6
    LizC says:

    I would marry The Scarlet Pimpernel and have it’s cross dressing, secret agenty, sticking it to the French, flower named babies.

    I’d eventually marry the younger Dark Angels by Karleen Koen.

    I would then cheat on those two, because I’m totally an infidelicious h0r, with The Dream Thief by Shana Abe. But that is mostly because I would like to do really dirty things with Zane. (Overshare?)

    I would go out and gossip with any of Jenny Crusie’s books. We’d drink, eat food that’s bad for us, talk and laugh a little too loudly causing other patrons to stare at us but we totally wouldn’t care.

  7. 7
    Rachel says:

    Books I want to be my secret mistress, so I could keep them in lush apartments with velvet hangings and visit them when my other books think I’m working late:

    Swordspoint, Ellen Kushner
    Julian The Magician, Gwendolyn MacEwan
    Autobiography of Red, Anne Carson
    Stella, Anais Nin
    Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, Susannah Clarke

    Books I’d pretend not to see if I passed them on the street:

    Flowers In The Attic, VC Andrews
    Shopaholic (and sequels), Sophie Kinsella
    Little Girl Lost, Drew Barrymore

  8. 8
    Madeleine says:

    I would totally marry Don Quixote too. AND the Regeneration trilogy, though really I think I want to marry Rivers. Mmm, my favorite asexual literary boyfriend!

    Books that I will always be in love with because they were my childhood sweethearts and our love was pure and true and all-encompassing (etc):
    The Riddle Master of Hed, Heir of Sea and Fire, Harpist in the Wind by Patricia McKillip.

  9. 9
    Teddypig says:

    Flowers In The Attic, VC Andrews

    Yes, I was a VC Andrews addict.

  10. 10
    Teddypig says:

    “The Riddle Master of Hed, Heir of Sea and Fire, Harpist in the Wind by Patricia McKillip.”

    But only after a long torrid affair with The Dark Is Rising Series by Susan Cooper.

  11. 11

    You know, the most amusing thing about this thread is the relationship descriptions.

    re: To Say Nothing of the Dog  I’m going to a con this weekend where Connie Willis is the Guest of Honor. I’m SO taking my copy of that book for her to sign. I guess that means I love it so much that I’d make it get tattooed with my name?

  12. 12
    Charlene says:

    I’d marry Don Quixote, but only in the more recent translation that makes it clear it’s a very funny farce, not in the old Victorian-era translations that made it into a Man vs. Nature struggle, which it is not.

  13. 13

    Hmmm…what does it say about me that I have shelves of books that I have intense, passionate affairs with for a time and I love the possibility of rekindling the relationship at my whim, but I’m not thinking of marrying any of them when THE ONE could still be out there???

    Who am I stringing along?

    La Nora (of course)
    Stephen King’s Dark Tower books
    Jane Austen
    Anita Shreve (historicals)
    John D. MacDonald’s Travis McGee (a guilty pleasure)

  14. 14
    srah says:

    Right about now, I’d like to have an affair with the Time Quartet by Madeleine L’Engle (is it inappropriate to have sex with children’s books?  Discuss.) and One Fine Day In The Middle of the Night by Christopher Brookmyre. 

    I would give longing gazes to Jude Deveraux’s books, but I don’t think I would actually want to go to bed with them, because they’ve been getting progressively worse.  If I didn’t know them so well, they’d be attractive, but I’ve watched what they’ve done to other people and I don’t want in on that.  :D

  15. 15

    Candy, you’d marry To Love and to Cherish but you’d only call To Have and to Hold for a hollaback? That’s so sweet.

    Vicki D, I wonder if anything could make you leave As You Desire. You and that book need counseling.

  16. 16
    Emeline Green says:

    I would have a long-term life partnership with the entire Gabaldon ouvre.

  17. 17
    DianeN says:

    Candy, I will have YOUR babies just because you want to have sex with Moby Dick. Hmm, that sentence ended rather badly, didn’t it? I’m not sure what “moby” really means but I think it might be a good idea to stay away from a moby dick!

    But the book? LOVE it.

    This having been the Summer of Suzanne Brockmann for me, I would have to say that, although I wouldn’t marry any of her books I would definitely do a menage a onze with her entire SEAL Team 16. The BOOKS, I mean. Not the SEALs.

    Okay, the SEALs, too…

  18. 18
    Liz C. says:

    Candy, I will have YOUR babies just because you want to have sex with Moby
    Dick. Hmm, that sentence ended rather badly, didn’t it?

    I’m not sure there was any way for that sentence not to end badly.

  19. 19
    Kiku says:

    ALL the smart bitches should read To Say Nothing of the Dog! It’s not romance (though it has romance in it), but still. Also, Connie Willis’ collection of short stories, including ‘Even the Queen’. All of you! Go to your libraries and bookstores right now!

    Hee – going33

  20. 20
    MaryKate says:

    Book I’d like to tie up in a chair and tease:

    All Through the Night by Connie Brockway.

  21. 21
    Becca says:

    I’m not sure that *I* would marry any of them, but I’d like to see a hook-up between Terry Pratchett’s Sam Vimes and La Nora’s Eve Dallas.

    I’d probably want to marry Pratchett’s Hogfather, though. And I have at least a long-term relationship with most of Pratchett’s other novels.

  22. 22
    Jeri says:

    Candy, I’ll marry YOU just for bringing up the James Morrow books. 

    Right now I’d like a trial separation from every book I own, just so I can walk through the family room without tripping.

  23. 23
    Brianna says:

    Mr. Darcy takes a wife by Linda Berdoll. I would totally smack that.

    Yes, it has alot of gratuitous physical congress in it – but I like it :)

    Would have a sneak out of bed 1-night stands with the V.C. Andrews books

  24. 24
    sara says:

    I love Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials books so much I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant. Does that make me a pedophile, a polygamist, or just a hooor?

    “try14” HAAAAA

  25. 25
    Deb says:

    Hmmm…what does it say that I’m more into “Same Time Next Year” relationships and cheap one-night stands than marriage?

    I totally have the former with The Dark is Rising series by Susan Cooper and pretty much anything by Jenny Crusie and Katie MacAlister.  Also the Three Sisters Trilogy by Nora.

    Cheap One-Night stands are many and plentiful:  Jude Devereau, Julie Garwood, Jo Beverley.

    And then there’s the whole sordid, sneaking off for a quickie on the wrong side of town and hoping no one you know sees you aspect of my continuing relationship with LKH.  I *know*.  But it’s like a trainwreck!  I can’t look away.  And with the Merry Gentry books?  Where else can you read about the heroine having sex with no fewer than 2 dozen men in something like a 30 hour time period?  How can you *not* watch?  I am so embarassed.

  26. 26
    MaryKate says:

    *MK whispering*

    Deb, I’m totally with you on the Merry Gentry novels. I like the Hot! Fey! Sex!

    I feel so dirty admitting it though.

  27. 27
    srah says:

    lol @ sara

    I feel the same way about cornbread.

  28. 28
    Deb says:

    Thank you, MK.  I feel much better about my dirty little shameful secret, knowing I’m not alone.

  29. 29
    Randi says:

    I would totally marry Foucoult’s Pendulum, all of Katherine Neville, The Vampire Lestat, Le Jasper Fforde. Seriously, I’m talking polygamy here.

    Early high school sweethearts are Anne Rice and Andre Norton. I would totally not give them a chance now, but back when I was that nerdy junior high girl, I loved them like no other.

    Sleazy back alley one night stands would be Juliet, by the Marquis de Sade. Just a lot of spanking and loss of innocence, but I’ll take him in the alley. And Rosemary Rogers.

    best buddies with benefits are La Nora (oh, sweet sweet Nora), Jacqueline Carey, Shakespeare, JK Rowling, and George McDonald.

    Marriage proposals to: Stephen Hawking and Brian Green. Sorry, I know that’s pretty cerebral, but…what can I say?

  30. 30
    Randi says:

    Just to clarify: marriage proposal is NOT married. Really, I’m just stringing Brian and Steve along; hoping they will stay with me indefinitely while I marry someone else, and have dirty back alley sex with de Sade.

    issue54: no shit, sherlock.

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