You did it! We figured this one out! It is a truth universally acknowledged (by me for certain) that the Bitchery pretty much knows everything, and really, it's true. Scroll down to see the solution for this HaBO - and many thanks!
When Bitchery reader Ricki sent me this request for help, I emailed her back and asked if she was sure it was a book, and not, perhaps, a funky dream she’d had one evening. She assures me it’s a book – so maybe you’ve heard of it.
I read a book when I was a teenager that I borrowed from a friend. The details that stick out at me are the sex scenes, which were pretty creative as far as I was concerned then. The plot I remember very sketchily. I remember that the hero and heroine met on the estate on which she grew up. She was a poor relation/orphaned niece, and he was a servant or something like that. She was orphaned when her mother was hanged for something. I don’t remember if any details were given about her father. They had a romance when they were teenagers, and then he left. He may have been kicked off the estate; it may have been because they consummated that romance. Fast forward some number of years, and he’s the captain of a ship. It may be a pirate ship, or it may just be that he’s very successful at thwarting pirates, and therefore just as scary as them, or maybe he’s pretending to be a pirate for some other purpose . . . I don’t remember. I think he’s not actually a pirate, but piracy comes up a lot.
Anyway, she ends up getting kidnapped by some of his crew members for some reason, and they bring her to his room and restrain her, at least in part by putting something around her neck, which freaks her out, because of her mother. (I realize anyone would freak out about being restrained by kidnappers, and having something around one’s neck would certainly not help that situation for anyone, but the way it’s written, she has a very special and unusual fear of things being put around her neck, because of her mother.) I don’t think she knows whose ship she’s on. He comes in and is very angry that his men put something around her neck, and she’s very touched that he remembers that she freaks out about things around her neck, and possibly this is how she realizes that he’s the old stableboy or whatever he was. This is all in the first third or so.
What I remember after that is the sex parts. They get stranded on a deserted island and have lots of sex, including a time where he uses wet sand to restrain her wrists and ankles (but not her neck), and a time where she tries to give him a blow job underwater. And also she makes a sand model of his penis. Later on in the book, after they are not on the deserted island anymore, they are in a cave, where there are empty wine bottles, and he uses one of them on her as a dildo. That is what I remember. Also, at least one of them, if not both, have very dark hair. Does anyone have any clue what this could be?
Wine bottles?! In the hoohah!?! This book sounds like The Windflower crossed with Blue Lagoon and Madonna’s Sex. So please, if anyone knows what this book is, let me know, because I’m so very, very curious.
No, I don’t know what this is. But I sure would like to read it. Dear Goddess, I thought I had a sick, twisted imagination. How did something like this get into print?
Ok, my inner ho wants this title.
And if it did get into print, was it any of the well-known titillators: Johnson or Small or …?
Wow, I don’t know the book, but I hope someone does because I’d like to read it!
This has got to be Master of Paradise by katherine O’Neal. I can’t double check – it’s been a long time since I read it, and you can’t search inside the book on Amazon, but I remember that the hero and heroine were childhood companions and that the hero becomes a pirate or privateer or something. And I remember the wine bottle. Vividly.
This sounds like fun. Anxiouly awaiting a definitive title…
This is the part that got me:
And also she makes a sand model of his penis.
heeheeheehee
I’m totally wondering how he “remembers” she doesn’t like to be held by the neck. Considering the later sex play, I’m thinking there was a bit of restraint play going on earlier. *g*
This woman’s Amazon sales rank is about to skyrocket!
And also she makes a sand model of his penis.
Yup. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when stranded on a deserted island! Good thing she didn’t do it on a public beach—just think of the scandal! *ggg*
(For some horribly twisted reason this being stranded on a deserted island reminds me of the film I saw last night: a parody of “The Frog King”, called “The Frog King—Down in the Well Nobody Hears You Scream”.)
Oh, boy, the reader’s description alone had me peeing in my crotchless panties…which would mean, I suppose, that I just peed on my desk chair. (Hey, hey, relax…I’m just kidding.)
In all honesty, though, I think the book itself would be a major let-down following that synopsis!
Hell, Chrissy, my OUTTER ho wants this title. Bring on the wine bottles!
[self promo alert] Um, I wrote a scene were a guy puts a beer bottle up another guys what, what (The Call, Torquere Press). These things start occuring to you after you’ve written a hundred or so sex scenes….
Ok, I have read that book! I remember that sand “castle” and the wine bottle scene. Now if I can just remember the title….
Okay, I’M sold! 😉
Definitely Master of Paradise by Katherine O’Neal. I have a copy of it sitting on my shelf.
I made an obscene snowman in college and nobody even acknowledged it for a week.
I could never decide if they didn’t care or wouldn’t admit they knew what ti was.
😀
yeah I made an enormous snow penis in front of my dorm (which was across the street from the provost’s mansion) and it was up for a week or so as well. I think everyone thought it was funny.
that book sounds kind of awesome!
I like Ricki’s description better. Based on Amazon’s synopsis (As the privateer bore down on her ship, Gabrielle Ashton-Cross recognized all too well the magnificent, leonine figure at its prow. Once, she had resisted his arrogant passion, had survived his betrayal to become the toast of London. And even now she might escape him, for her sword was like lightning. Yet the moment their gazes locked across the rolling deck, she knew that Rodrigo Soro had every intention of taming her to his will at last. Gabrielle hadn’t journeyed so far from home to fulfill a lifelong dream only to surrender to a pirate king. But this time when he took her in his arms, would she have the strength to fight the only man who could ever promise her paradise?) I wouldn’t touch this book. But based on Ricki’s….hoo-ha! I’m in. And it’s only $.45!!!!
You guys are just amazing. Thank you so very much.
(BTW, I knew it wasn’t Johnson, because I owned most of her books. They were the ones I wouldn’t share with my mom.)
Right. Somebody was REALLY bored.
Which makes sense, with the whole “trapped on a desert island” thing.
You should read O’Neal’s Princess of Thieves in which our hero ties our heroine into the ropes of a hot air balloon and goes down on her as punishment for going down on him without getting excited because she’s afraid of heights.
Good Goddess, where did she get those character names? I’m sorry, they sound like characters in a romance novel parody. In fact, this whole book sounds like a parody. Do you suppose she wrote it for a bet or something?
Yeah, I can imagine being so bored on a desert island that I’d build a sand penis. I mean, if you don’t have books or the Net or cable…yeah, I can see it. And you can’t spend ALL your time playing hide the sausage.
Well, gotta give the author points for imagination. Personally, there are parts of my body where I don’t want sand or breakable objects like glass. And I don’t even want to think about sunburn on certain areas. Just sayin’.
Just curious, how do you hold someone down with wet sand? I am unable to imagine not being able to get out of wet sand. How weak is this chick?
My neighbor has spent much of the past week building a 6 foot paper mache penis out by the garage. She doesn’t give off a vibe of happy, sexual fullfillment and good humor. More like anger and bitterness.
Of course, if her boyfriend were a pirate she might be happier.
Ricki’s description is definitely better than Amazon’s. I mean, where’s all the sex in the Amazon description? No mention of sand penis sculptures or wine bottle dildos (necessity is, after all, the mother of invention…) there, either.
I can also picture all the bitches running off to Amazon to buy this one now. Why do I fear that by the time I get there, all the copies will be gone?
Oh my god. I must have it. I wonder how much it costs to ship it to Japan?
I wanted to build a sexy snowman while I was in college, but you don’t get enough snow in Seattle. I was very sad. All I would be able to manage is a normal life sized penis, and who wants to build one of those? I know guys giving em away for free.
Wouldn’t the wine bottle build up suction, and uh, hurt quite a bit? I suppose you could leave the cork in, but that would scrape, or maybe it wouldn’t, I dunno. Think I’ll stick to the professional dildoes.
Yeah, wet sand doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work to me.
And hey! Give your neighbour a break – I made a waist-height pinata penis once for a divorce party. It’s lots of HARD work. Sorry, I knew it was a lame joke, but I couldn’t help it. I had a hard time keeping it out of my daughter’s sight, too. I felt really sorry for it at the end of that party. I wouldn’t like to be a guy watching that video. Or her ex.
This book sounds hilarious.
Okay, now I got me a title to go on.
But I also have an image of those sandworms in Beetlejuice.
Roslyn,
Yes, wine bottles can be dangerous in that particular capacity. How do I know this? I dated an EMT once, and boy, did he have some funny stories. I guess the trick is to make sure both ends are open. At least that was his expert opinion. My thought was simply to avoid the wine bottles. Then again, I’ve never been stranded in a cave. 😉
Count me in – this sounds just hilarious!
Ah wine bottle hijinx! One of my best girlfriends was going out with a guy who got so drunk at a party one night he actually let one of his mates insert a wine bottle in his ar$e in front of about 40 people. I don’t know if there was any suction issues but I do know he is now single and is likely to remain that way due to his new and delightful nickname ‘bottle fu**er’.
Boys eh?
“Just curious, how do you hold someone down with wet sand? I am unable to imagine not being able to get out of wet sand. How weak is this chick?”
“And even now she might escape him, for her sword was like lightning.”
So which is it?? Is she strong enough to sword fight a pirate and win or too weak to fight off wet sand? I’m thinking that he’d have to bury her pretty deep to restrain her that way – but that wouldn’t that defeat his other purposes?
And THIS book wasn’t on the banned book list!!! Someone please post a review of it anyway – pretty please!!
I remember this author. She also had another book where the hero was a highwayman in the lste Victorian era. That one had me scratching my head. In order to keep him from hanging after he was caught (not a very good highwayman) she made the ultimate sacrifice and had sex with the Prince of Wales—Victoria’s overweight son, not the overweight future George IV. I remember cackling (not the proper response to a sex scene) when after they had apparently done it seven ways from Sunday, he announced “Wait a minute—I want your arse.” and scooped up a handful of cream. Unfortunately at that point they closed the bedroom door.
The sacrifice was rather watered down by the fact that she had been the Prince’s mistress at the beginning of the book.
I also remember a lot of readers had a hate on for this book because the heroine had sex without someone besides the hero.
No, Randi, I do believe the bottle’s in.
::::snicker::::
My co-worker just walked in and asked me if I was laughing or crying.
That’ll teach me to read Smart Bitches at work.
And I fear it was a combination of both. It was the sand sculpture of the penis that did it.
I also went looking for Lindsey books at the library yesterday. Sadly, they did not have the sex-on-a-horse book, the pirate book, or the Russian book. I did, however, find the truly classic… Thug-a-licious by Noire.
Okay, years back I read one of those “don’t do this and here’s why” articles concerning improvised sex toys. (Must have been a Cosmo left in the office.)
One of them was “don’t use a bottle as a dildo.” At least with the cap off.
Seems a couple tried this (the narrow neck of the bottle was used) and the in and out motion created a vacuum.
The bottle got stuck. Any attempt to remove it put the poor lady into screaming agony as it ripped at her tender insides. Next thing ya know they’re in the ER room and the doctors are trying hard to look somber.
One bright person broke off the protruding end of the bottle (I’d love to read the AMA report on THAT) which cancelled the vacuum and the rest of the bottle could then be removed. (Carefully, one would hope.)
So this wine bottle sex in the book described above makes me wonder which came first—the writer making things up or reading it herself from that same article.
One would hope the couple in the book left the cork in the bottle.
Ew.
I can’t believe I just wrote this. I am SO anonymous today.
this is for monimala…
if you’ve read thug-a-licious, you need to read thong on fire by noire.
Kerry: do you happen to live anywhere near Happydale, or perhaps Chumley’s? Cause that neighbor of yours… she’d fit riiiight in.
JenBen – I haven’t actually READ Thug-a-licious. I couldn’t bring myself to take it to the checkout counter. But Thong on Fire sounds like someone has a nasty STD. Valtrex for everyone!
Okay, this is a great thread but it’s tangent time.
Channel your Amy Sederis and do a post on how to host a divorce party, Sarah or Candy.
PKG’s penis pinata—check.
the norfolk pine—yes
the wedding cake cut in half with red frosting oozing from it and a headless groom plunged into the bottom—yes
But there must be more ideas out there..Who’d be better at coming up with a list of party favors/themes/games/raunch than a bunch of romance readers?
Kerry’s neighbor = a hit at any block party.