Help A Bitch Out

Help a Bitch Out: This one is FUNKY

When Bitchery reader Ricki sent me this request for help, I emailed her back and asked if she was sure it was a book, and not, perhaps, a funky dream she’d had one evening. She assures me it’s a book – so maybe you’ve heard of it.

I read a book when I was a teenager that I borrowed from a friend.  The details that stick out at me are the sex scenes, which were pretty creative as far as I was concerned then.  The plot I remember very sketchily.  I remember that the hero and heroine met on the estate on which she grew up.  She was a poor relation/orphaned niece, and he was a servant or something like that.  She was orphaned when her mother was hanged for something.  I don’t remember if any details were given about her father.  They had a romance when they were teenagers, and then he left.  He may have been kicked off the estate; it may have been because they consummated that romance.  Fast forward some number of years, and he’s the captain of a ship.  It may be a pirate ship, or it may just be that he’s very successful at thwarting pirates, and therefore just as scary as them, or maybe he’s pretending to be a pirate for some other purpose . . . I don’t remember.  I think he’s not actually a pirate, but piracy comes up a lot. 

Anyway, she ends up getting kidnapped by some of his crew members for some reason, and they bring her to his room and restrain her, at least in part by putting something around her neck, which freaks her out, because of her mother.  (I realize anyone would freak out about being restrained by kidnappers, and having something around one’s neck would certainly not help that situation for anyone, but the way it’s written, she has a very special and unusual fear of things being put around her neck, because of her mother.)  I don’t think she knows whose ship she’s on.  He comes in and is very angry that his men put something around her neck, and she’s very touched that he remembers that she freaks out about things around her neck, and possibly this is how she realizes that he’s the old stableboy or whatever he was.  This is all in the first third or so. 

What I remember after that is the sex parts.  They get stranded on a deserted island and have lots of sex, including a time where he uses wet sand to restrain her wrists and ankles (but not her neck), and a time where she tries to give him a blow job underwater.  And also she makes a sand model of his penis.  Later on in the book, after they are not on the deserted island anymore, they are in a cave, where there are empty wine bottles, and he uses one of them on her as a dildo.  That is what I remember.  Also, at least one of them, if not both, have very dark hair.  Does anyone have any clue what this could be?

Wine bottles?! In the hoohah!?! This book sounds like The Windflower crossed with Blue Lagoon and Madonna’s Sex. So please, if anyone knows what this book is, let me know, because I’m so very, very curious.


Help a Bitch Out

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  1. 1
    smartmensab-tch says:

    No, I don’t know what this is.  But I sure would like to read it.  Dear Goddess, I thought I had a sick, twisted imagination.  How did something like this get into print?

  2. 2
    Chrissy says:

    Ok, my inner ho wants this title.

  3. 3
    Spider says:

    And if it did get into print, was it any of the well-known titillators: Johnson or Small or …?

  4. 4
    Eve Vaughn says:

    Wow, I don’t know the book, but I hope someone does because I’d like to read it!

  5. 5
    sazzat says:

    This has got to be Master of Paradise by katherine O’Neal.  I can’t double check – it’s been a long time since I read it, and you can’t search inside the book on Amazon, but I remember that the hero and heroine were childhood companions and that the hero becomes a pirate or privateer or something.  And I remember the wine bottle.  Vividly.

  6. 6

    This sounds like fun. Anxiouly awaiting a definitive title…

  7. 7

    This is the part that got me:

    And also she makes a sand model of his penis.


    I’m totally wondering how he “remembers” she doesn’t like to be held by the neck. Considering the later sex play, I’m thinking there was a bit of restraint play going on earlier. *g*

    This woman’s Amazon sales rank is about to skyrocket!

  8. 8

    And also she makes a sand model of his penis.

    Yup. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when stranded on a deserted island! Good thing she didn’t do it on a public beach—just think of the scandal! *ggg*

    (For some horribly twisted reason this being stranded on a deserted island reminds me of the film I saw last night: a parody of “The Frog King”, called “The Frog King—Down in the Well Nobody Hears You Scream”.)

  9. 9
    Wry Hag says:

    Oh, boy, the reader’s description alone had me peeing in my crotchless panties…which would mean, I suppose, that I just peed on my desk chair. (Hey, hey, relax…I’m just kidding.)

    In all honesty, though, I think the book itself would be a major let-down following that synopsis!

  10. 10

    Hell, Chrissy, my OUTTER ho wants this title. Bring on the wine bottles!

  11. 11
    veinglory says:

    [self promo alert] Um, I wrote a scene were a guy puts a beer bottle up another guys what, what (The Call, Torquere Press).  These things start occuring to you after you’ve written a hundred or so sex scenes….

  12. 12
    sula says:

    Ok, I have read that book!  I remember that sand “castle” and the wine bottle scene.  Now if I can just remember the title….

  13. 13
  14. 14
    Ann Bruce says:

    Definitely Master of Paradise by Katherine O’Neal.  I have a copy of it sitting on my shelf.

  15. 15
    Chrissy says:

    I made an obscene snowman in college and nobody even acknowledged it for a week.

    I could never decide if they didn’t care or wouldn’t admit they knew what ti was.


  16. 16
    emily says:

    yeah I made an enormous snow penis in front of my dorm (which was across the street from the provost’s mansion) and it was up for a week or so as well. I think everyone thought it was funny.

    that book sounds kind of awesome!

  17. 17
    Randi says:

    I like Ricki’s description better. Based on Amazon’s synopsis (As the privateer bore down on her ship, Gabrielle Ashton-Cross recognized all too well the magnificent, leonine figure at its prow. Once, she had resisted his arrogant passion, had survived his betrayal to become the toast of London. And even now she might escape him, for her sword was like lightning. Yet the moment their gazes locked across the rolling deck, she knew that Rodrigo Soro had every intention of taming her to his will at last. Gabrielle hadn’t journeyed so far from home to fulfill a lifelong dream only to surrender to a pirate king. But this time when he took her in his arms, would she have the strength to fight the only man who could ever promise her paradise?) I wouldn’t touch this book. But based on Ricki’s….hoo-ha! I’m in. And it’s only $.45!!!!

  18. 18
    Ricki says:

    You guys are just amazing.  Thank you so very much.

    (BTW, I knew it wasn’t Johnson, because I owned most of her books.  They were the ones I wouldn’t share with my mom.)

  19. 19
    Elizabeth says:

    And also she makes a sand model of his penis.

    Right.  Somebody was REALLY bored.

    Which makes sense, with the whole “trapped on a desert island” thing.

  20. 20
    maryk says:

    You should read O’Neal’s Princess of Thieves in which our hero ties our heroine into the ropes of a hot air balloon and goes down on her as punishment for going down on him without getting excited because she’s afraid of heights.

  21. 21
    smartmensab-tch says:

    Good Goddess, where did she get those character names?  I’m sorry, they sound like characters in a romance novel parody.  In fact, this whole book sounds like a parody. Do you suppose she wrote it for a bet or something?

    Yeah, I can imagine being so bored on a desert island that I’d build a sand penis.  I mean, if you don’t have books or the Net or cable…yeah, I can see it. And you can’t spend ALL your time playing hide the sausage.

    Well, gotta give the author points for imagination.  Personally, there are parts of my body where I don’t want sand or breakable objects like glass.  And I don’t even want to think about sunburn on certain areas. Just sayin’.

  22. 22
    Charity Mullen says:

    Just curious, how do you hold someone down with wet sand?  I am unable to imagine not being able to get out of wet sand.  How weak is this chick?

  23. 23
    Kerry says:

    My neighbor has spent much of the past week building a 6 foot paper mache penis out by the garage. She doesn’t give off a vibe of happy, sexual fullfillment and good humor. More like anger and bitterness.

    Of course, if her boyfriend were a pirate she might be happier.

  24. 24
    Deb says:

    Ricki’s description is definitely better than Amazon’s.  I mean, where’s all the sex in the Amazon description?  No mention of sand penis sculptures or wine bottle dildos (necessity is, after all, the mother of invention…) there, either.

    I can also picture all the bitches running off to Amazon to buy this one now.  Why do I fear that by the time I get there, all the copies will be gone?

  25. 25
    Elizabeth says:

    Oh my god. I must have it. I wonder how much it costs to ship it to Japan?

    I wanted to build a sexy snowman while I was in college, but you don’t get enough snow in Seattle. I was very sad. All I would be able to manage is a normal life sized penis, and who wants to build one of those? I know guys giving em away for free.

  26. 26

    Wouldn’t the wine bottle build up suction, and uh, hurt quite a bit? I suppose you could leave the cork in, but that would scrape, or maybe it wouldn’t, I dunno. Think I’ll stick to the professional dildoes.

  27. 27
    pkg says:

    Yeah, wet sand doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work to me.

    And hey! Give your neighbour a break – I made a waist-height pinata penis once for a divorce party. It’s lots of HARD work. Sorry, I knew it was a lame joke, but I couldn’t help it. I had a hard time keeping it out of my daughter’s sight, too. I felt really sorry for it at the end of that party. I wouldn’t like to be a guy watching that video. Or her ex.

    This book sounds hilarious.

  28. 28
    Wry Hag says:

    Okay, now I got me a title to go on.

    But I also have an image of those sandworms in Beetlejuice.

  29. 29


    Yes, wine bottles can be dangerous in that particular capacity.  How do I know this? I dated an EMT once, and boy, did he have some funny stories.  I guess the trick is to make sure both ends are open. At least that was his expert opinion.  My thought was simply to avoid the wine bottles.  Then again, I’ve never been stranded in a cave. ;)

  30. 30
    Josie says:

    Count me in – this sounds just hilarious!

    Ah wine bottle hijinx! One of my best girlfriends was going out with a guy who got so drunk at a party one night he actually let one of his mates insert a wine bottle in his ar$e in front of about 40 people. I don’t know if there was any suction issues but I do know he is now single and is likely to remain that way due to his new and delightful nickname ‘bottle fu**er’.

    Boys eh?

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