Cover Makeovers: Catherine Coulter

A few weeks ago, we brought you Cover Makeovers, the Johanna Lindsey edition, wherein a team of five flamingly homosexual cover art specialists are hand-picked to overhaul the…wait, CRAP, the expiration date on that joke was 2004. At any rate, in our first edition of Cover Makeovers, we looked at the evolution of the pièces d’art gracing the masterworks of that Doyenne of Bodice Rippery, Johanna Lindsey. Up on this week’s chopping block: that Beldame of Heaving Bosoms, Catherine Coulter.

Let’s play Spot the Theme with the older covers, shall we? Let’s look at these covers, especially the first two, and ponder what similarities there may be. I wonder what they could be? Hmmmm.

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Look at the hair! And that eyeshadow! FIERCE! But really, it’s the little touches that make these covers magical. Take the swan in cover numéro deux, for example. Is it:

a) Zeus in disguise, being a pervy voyeur and enjoying a little vicarious what-what-in-the-butt;

b) an innocent bird flushed (hur hur hur) out of its comfortable nest because all these scantily-dressed people with terrible eye makeup and enough hairspray to ignite all of Sudan insist on having buttsecks right on top of it;

c) a visually punny indicator of the fowl (HUR HUR HUR) perversions afoot; or

d) a metaphor for the hero’s long, skinny penis?

I’d vote for (c), but in all honesty, (b) is the most likely answer.

(I wonder if ornithologists noticed any disruptions in swan nesting patterns in the late 70s and early 80s? Because there were a lot of swans on these goddamn covers. I mean a lot.)

The cover re-makes, while a great deal more tasteful, are also a great deal more boring. Look at them:

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These covers probably paint all the walls of their houses colors like “eggshell cream” and would clutch at their pearls in shock at the very idea of non-consensual sex involving the hero jamming cream up the reluctant heroine’s hoo-hoo as both foreplay and lubricant. ‘Tis a sad fact but true: the older covers, while hilariously bad, at least provided a modicum of truth in advertising.

Up next on the chopping block: Loretta Chase, whose Indian name could easily be Eternally Cursed with Covers Featuring Greasy Men With Dodgy Hair. Stay tuned!

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Teddy Pig says:

    Oh wow! I would have never known the glories of Moonspun Magic or have got the rest of them without the guy getting naked err… I mean, how could they do that to a perfectly good piece of err…

    OK I am shallow, Mantitty Sells, damn it!

  2. 2
    kis says:

    Okay, those first covers were over the top ridiculous, but the second set were just sooooooo fucking lame. Eggshell white, Navaho white, and ivory snow. bleh.

    No one wants neon orange, but you can’t tell me there’s no middle ground out there. How about sage green? Cappucino? Butter yellow? Come on, people!

  3. 3
    Josie says:

    Damn you Candy – I am going to have that song in my head AGAIN.

    I just noticed that some clever person created a remix featuring Isiah Washington. How very amusing of them!

  4. 4
    Wry Hag says:

    I don’t know if it’s my internal graphic-artist-that-never-existed, or what, but that lettering/script on the earlier covers REALLY, REALLY SCARED ME!  It was a positive relief to see the later ones. Milquetoasty, yes, but nonthreatening.  Phrew.

  5. 5

    It must have been slim pickings for all those poor cover models when the bland cover backlash hit. I’m not a huge fan of the first covers but the second cover sets *are* pretty ho-hum.

  6. 6
    Tracy says:

    I must be weird b/c I actually like the new cover for Calypso Magic. But that’s the only one LOL

    The originals just scare me! :)

  7. 7

    Those first 2 originals are definitely buttsecks, but that last seems like a bilateral amputee fisting his one-legged girlfriend.

  8. 8
    Rachel B. says:

    . . .bilateral amputee fisting his one-legged girlfriend

    AH HAH HAH HA!!!

    Oh my gosh, I think I peed myself. And I went back and looked, and you are so very right.

    word: returned69

    Hmm, I guess we can tell what is in store for the bilateral amputee!

  9. 9
    Chicklet says:

    Call me a snob, but even though the made-over covers are dull, they’re the only ones I’d be willing to be seen with in public. Or in private, for that matter.

  10. 10
    Candy says:

    Chicklet: I’m with you there. In terms of covers, I’ll go with boring rather than screamingly awful any day.

  11. 11
    Chrissy says:

    You know during that era all the cover gals looked like Priscilla Presley.

  12. 12
    lisabea says:

    Isn’t Moonspun Magic the Coulter book where our virginal heroine is forced by the first, old, creepy husband to, uh, perform orally on a variety of people (his son?? who is like 30) before the hero returns from the war and saves her/marries her (after, of course, she drops and gives him one in the barn)?
    Am I wrong here?

  13. 13
    Melissa says:

    Those made-over covers are boring as heck.  They make it look like the story is as clean as a Jane Austen novel.  And given who the author is, we KNOW that’s a lie.

    Give me the scary-bad-but-truth-in-advertising covers instead, please!

  14. 14
    Gwen says:

    GAAAAHHHHHH!

    What what in the butt

    what what in the butt

    Oh crap (heh heh)!  It’s stuck (hee hee) in my head (huh huh)!  What what!

  15. 15
    RealityHelix says:

    What in the…

    Clearly, I hate myself and want to suffer deep down, because I watched that entire video, all the way through. Then for good measure, as if my Deer-in-the-headlights-horror wasn’t complete enough, I decided to brave the comments.

    I need a doctor.

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