A few weeks ago, we brought you Cover Makeovers, the Johanna Lindsey edition, wherein a team of five flamingly homosexual cover art specialists are hand-picked to overhaul the…wait, CRAP, the expiration date on that joke was 2004. At any rate, in our first edition of Cover Makeovers, we looked at the evolution of the pièces d’art gracing the masterworks of that Doyenne of Bodice Rippery, Johanna Lindsey. Up on this week’s chopping block: that Beldame of Heaving Bosoms, Catherine Coulter.
Let’s play Spot the Theme with the older covers, shall we? Let’s look at these covers, especially the first two, and ponder what similarities there may be. I wonder what they could be? Hmmmm.
Look at the hair! And that eyeshadow! FIERCE! But really, it’s the little touches that make these covers magical. Take the swan in cover numéro deux, for example. Is it:
a) Zeus in disguise, being a pervy voyeur and enjoying a little vicarious what-what-in-the-butt;
b) an innocent bird flushed (hur hur hur) out of its comfortable nest because all these scantily-dressed people with terrible eye makeup and enough hairspray to ignite all of Sudan insist on having buttsecks right on top of it;
c) a visually punny indicator of the fowl (HUR HUR HUR) perversions afoot; or
d) a metaphor for the hero’s long, skinny penis?
I’d vote for (c), but in all honesty, (b) is the most likely answer.
(I wonder if ornithologists noticed any disruptions in swan nesting patterns in the late 70s and early 80s? Because there were a lot of swans on these goddamn covers. I mean a lot.)
The cover re-makes, while a great deal more tasteful, are also a great deal more boring. Look at them:
These covers probably paint all the walls of their houses colors like “eggshell cream” and would clutch at their pearls in shock at the very idea of non-consensual sex involving the hero jamming cream up the reluctant heroine’s hoo-hoo as both foreplay and lubricant. ‘Tis a sad fact but true: the older covers, while hilariously bad, at least provided a modicum of truth in advertising.
Up next on the chopping block: Loretta Chase, whose Indian name could easily be Eternally Cursed with Covers Featuring Greasy Men With Dodgy Hair. Stay tuned!