Spankable Covers

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Sarah:  Dreamy is right. In his dreams, certainly, is his little weaver that big. Unless the name of the author is some indication of geography. Then, well, never mind. I can’t smack on Jersey boys. We’re trying to keep the secret about the mullet-length-to-tapestry-length-ratio a secret from the rest of the country.

Candy: At first glance, I thought there was a freaking CROCODILE HEAD emerging from that dude’s crotch. And I was all, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MERRY GENTRY BULLSHIT IS THIS? Then I realized it wasn’t a croc (ain’t she a beauuuuty?) so much as the, uh, log they love to float on. Covered in tapestry. Man, those are some swank freaking crocodiles.

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Sarah: I don’t think his hair is real. She’s very real, from the planet known in English as “What’s the Opposite of Jaundice” but him? That’s a wig. And shame on him for mugging some nice lady of her sheitel.

Candy: Looking at the hair alone, I almost expect him to burst into song about how he’s Helga the waitress, the waitress with the very long armpit hair.

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Sarah: I cannot vouch for the relative spankability, but come on now, people. Don’t jerk me around. That ass is NOT BIG. You need big ass? I show you big ass. I got one right here!

Candy: Bitch please! This chick’s biceps are bigger than her ass. What the hell is this shit? You advertise Big, Spankable Asses, they better be Sir Mix-A-Lot grade, or I’m going to have to cut a bitch.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    closetcrafter says:

    Looks like dude in the background scene of #1 is waiting for his turn to rub the croc head betwixt his legs ( a la “American Pie” sexy dance?) Who knows?

    What is the plot of this one, I wonder?  Oh the tangled pees pees we weave……..

  2. 2
    Alice says:

    Snicker. Check out http://serensscribblings.blogspot.com/2007/08/covers-are-you-happy-to-see-me.html

    Gotta admit, any guy shows up in my bedroom sporting that club under his loincloth is gonna be facing a butcher knife to trim him down to workable size.

  3. 3
    MamaNice says:

    Whoa. Who-o-o-o-ah. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Srsly. Poor dude needs to steal curtains in order to make hisself a banana hammock that will fit right. I’ll be a little un-pc here and say this must be a gay romance…even without the other dude observing Mr Big Britches in the background…cuz I knows that would just hurt…and NOT the good kind of hurt.
    My verification word is length13 – hahahahahah! Sarah, your mullet ratio line was teh funny.

    So the dude that stole MY HAIR (see pic) is getting it on with one of the DoodleBops?
    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

    I must agree wich y’all – that is not a spankworthy ass – it’s cute…maybe pinchable…but a big ol’ spankyworthy boot-ay? No.

  4. 4
    Carrie Lofty says:

    I thought his tapestry schlong was a cut of meat—you know, the Mike Meyers working in the butcher shop in So I Married an Ax Murderer sorta meat. Then my brain made me think of Mike Meyers fondling meat. NOT COOL.

  5. 5

    lovelySalome, I thought it was a cut of meat too! Like a skinned calf’s head or something. GACK!

    The second one is strangely – STRANGELY – Bavarian.

  6. 6
    Charlene says:

    MamaNice, believe it or not it ISN’T a gay romance. It’s a story about two brothers who need to find a woman to share between them.

    Although one of the brothers is named Garrik, which made the DS9 fan in me giggle uncontrollably for a few seconds. I’m so pathetic.

  7. 7
    MamaNice says:

    Thanks for clarifying Charlene. So the dude observing in the background is the Cock-odile’s brother?
    Sheesh with a croc, I mean a cock, that size – you’d think he’d need to find two sisters to share HIM, not the other way around!

    Unless, it’s some bizarre genetic mutation – and one twin got all the family jewels while the other poor sod got none – so they made an agreement to share the lovin’ between them?

  8. 8
    sandra says:

    My first thought on #1 was that the naked man was using a rack of ribs as an aid to self stimulation.  Then I thought, “No, he’s wrestling a crocodile.  Why is he naked?”  On #2, my first thought was “What happened to his other braid?”  The Big Spankable Ass on #3 is whichever one chose the cover model.

  9. 9
    dillene says:

    The man on the second cover clearly took his hairstyle inspiration from Andrew Wyeth’s paintings.  And I second the comment on the last cover.  That’s not a big, spankable ass.  Good grief, I can top that- my backside is probably visible from space.

    Security word:  ‘movement49’  My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…

  10. 10

    Perhaps the cyanotic chick in #2 ripped the braid from the head of one of her enemies, and presented it to her lover as a gift? And you know how you have to wear it if your significant other gave it to you…

  11. 11
    Ann Bruce says:

    I cannot get over how PERFECTLY ROUND that Big Spankable Ass is.  It’s not natural people!  It’s like a ball is stuffed under there. …Wait, I heard something about butt implants being done in La-La Land…

  12. 12
    Charlene says:

    I’ve seen men with asses that round…

    Whoa. Maybe baby got tuck?

  13. 13
    Ann Bruce says:

    As I continue to look at that ass (yes, I know there’s something wrong with me), I find myself wondering if it’ll pop like a balloon if I stick a needle in it.

  14. 14
    Arethusa says:

    Crocodiles leap out of men’s crotches in the Merry Gentry books? When is the movie for that series coming out?

  15. 15
    Goblin says:

    #1 is just… just…

    . . .

    I feel so sorry for the author. You can’t brag about that pub credit to your grandma.

  16. 16
    Candy says:

    Crocodiles leap out of men’s crotches in the Merry Gentry books?

    Wait, maybe I was confusing that with the crocodiles that leap out of Anita Blake’s hey-nanner-nanner.

  17. 17
    Deb says:

    When I saw the first one, I thought the guy was holding a skinned cat in front of him and went “Euewww!”  And then I took a closer look and said “No way!”

    Why the hell is that woman *blue*?

    And I’m still boggling that they actually titled the book Big Spankable Asses.  And am convinced that that is a *man* in a maid’s uniform.  Reminds me of John Leguizamo in To Wong Foo.

  18. 18
    Moenen says:

    Forget about the tiny inflata-tush; where’s her right shoulder?!

    (I most certainly did not just copy her pose in the mirror to see from which angle the right shoulder would not be visible. No. Not at all.)

  19. 19
    L Violet says:

    Okay, now I get it. It’s a big, spankable ass on _a man_. For a lady, not so much. Thanks for clearing that up, Deb.

  20. 20
    Deb says:

    No problem, Violet.  Always happy to oblige.

  21. 21
    cecille says:

    Seeing #1 my first thought was that he was holding another man’s very, very tattooed arm against his crotch.

    Then I wondered what the hell it was supposed to be, seeing the side bit, and now I think I may need new glasses since I also don’t seem to be able to see any hair at all on that guy’s body, i.e.: the thighs. What’s with that? Even I have more hair on my thighs than he. That full body wax must so, so hurt!

  22. 22

    Ew.  This is not how I wanted my Saturday to go.

  23. 23
    Wry Hag says:

    Oh, pshaw!  Whatever cover artist thinks THAT is a “spankable ass” is 1.) a whiter-than-white boy, and 2.) quite possibly somebody MSNBC needs to investigate.

    I’ll show you a freakin’ spankable ass… that talks back to your hand!

  24. 24
    Sallyacious says:

    I thought the tapestry on #1 was somebody’s tattooed arm. Minus hand and the rest of the body. So just an arm. With tattoos. Not what I expect on a romance cover. Perhaps if the tapestry wasn’t the same color more or less as they guy’s leg, it might not look quite so much like he’s rubbing himself with the remains of his lover.

  25. 25
    Elyssa says:

    On first look, I wondered what STD the guy had with Cover #1.

  26. 26
    Chrissy says:

    Umm does tapestry dude have some sort of knob on the end there?  Speaking non-figuratively?  I mean, it looks a bit like Captain Jack’s compass.  He definitely found “true north.”

    And that’s nto a big ass.  That’s not even a medium ass.  That’s kind of an asslet.

  27. 27
    Ishie says:

    I think the chick-dude on the cover of Big Spankable Asses has more to worry about than the tiny ass… look at that waist!  Even with the noticed lack of a right shoulder, her torso is going to collapse right onto the small unspankable ass.  Tell me that had to involve some broken ribs…

  28. 28
    Rachel B. says:

    Wait, maybe I was confusing that with the crocodiles that leap out of Anita Blake’s hey-nanner-nanner.

    I think I just lost control of MY hey-nanner-nanner from laughing so, so hard!

    But no. See, that would never happen to Anita or to Merry. Things don’t fly OUT of the nanner in those novels. No, things definitely fly IN.

    Anita version: Were-crocs that were displaced from New Orleans after Katrina wind up in St. Louis. Anita must fuck their King, known as the Houngan, and under the grip of the ardeur she accidentally eats a live rat during gator-love and has an attack of self-loathing. Asher has a jealous pouting fit as usual.

    Merry version: A huge, scaly croc goblin shows up at Merry’s place to try out for the King-of-Faery gig. Merry must fuck him to placate Jabba, the King of the Goblins. After everything glows and gets crazy, they realize that Merry and Croc were responsible for flooding New Orleans. Sorry guys! Frost has a jealous pouting fit as usual.

  29. 29
    Trix says:

    Um, Tapestry Man? I think he’s got one of those little hand-puppets under there, actually. He’s going to pop out his “sidekick”, and he’ll do his silly ventriloquism routine with it.

    As for Miss Spankable… well, yes, it is (if I was into spanking 17-year-old girls). But large, it is not. Puh-lease.

  30. 30
    Tracy says:

    Chrissy: “That’s kind of an asslet.” bwahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha :)

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