Sarah: Dreamy is right. In his dreams, certainly, is his little weaver that big. Unless the name of the author is some indication of geography. Then, well, never mind. I can’t smack on Jersey boys. We’re trying to keep the secret about the mullet-length-to-tapestry-length-ratio a secret from the rest of the country.
Candy: At first glance, I thought there was a freaking CROCODILE HEAD emerging from that dude’s crotch. And I was all, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MERRY GENTRY BULLSHIT IS THIS? Then I realized it wasn’t a croc (ain’t she a beauuuuty?) so much as the, uh, log they love to float on. Covered in tapestry. Man, those are some swank freaking crocodiles.
Sarah: I don’t think his hair is real. She’s very real, from the planet known in English as “What’s the Opposite of Jaundice” but him? That’s a wig. And shame on him for mugging some nice lady of her sheitel.
Candy: Looking at the hair alone, I almost expect him to burst into song about how he’s Helga the waitress, the waitress with the very long armpit hair.
Sarah: I cannot vouch for the relative spankability, but come on now, people. Don’t jerk me around. That ass is NOT BIG. You need big ass? I show you big ass. I got one right here!
Candy: Bitch please! This chick’s biceps are bigger than her ass. What the hell is this shit? You advertise Big, Spankable Asses, they better be Sir Mix-A-Lot grade, or I’m going to have to cut a bitch.