On pseudonyms and costumes

New author starting out? Publishers screwed you over yet again in terms of publicity? Have to get your name out there somehow, some way? Us Smart Bitches are here to tell you: nothing helps author visibility like an eye-catching pseudonym and an even more eye-catching costume for an author signing. And being the helpful, thoughtful bitches that we are, we’ve done allllll the grunt work for you and have come up with the following pseudonym and costume generator.

No, no, it’s no trouble at all; we do this for the love, baby. A dedication in your next NYT-bestselling novel is renumeration enough. Really.

Your name should be:

And your faaaaabulous costume for author signings should be:


Fun And Games

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    belmanoir says:

    You and four other friends who write for the same manga-inspired line of edgy romances dress up in lion robot gear, and at the culmination of the book signing, combine and become motherfucking VOLTRON

    OMG I laughed so hard…

  2. 2
    Alessia Brio says:

    Honoria Pharte?  Um, thanks but… no.

  3. 3
    Kerry Allen says:

    I LOVE THIS!!!!!!

    I could be stuck here all day…

  4. 4
    Jena says:

    I’m “Willow Masterton,” wearing “Naugahyde body suit with 3 extra tentacles or arm holes (your choice).”

    Best part? My dog’s name is Willow. (Woof.)

  5. 5
    SB Sarah says:

    I LOVE the finished product, I’m laughing my ass off, and I helped write about half of them.

    Man, I’m going to have to go to the bathroom a LOT this afternoon.

  6. 6
    fiveandfour says:

    I’d be Xandria Mellifluent, wearing a toga, laurel wreath and half a dozen oiled men dressed in nothing but loincloths.

    Wow the only thing better than a mostly naked man waiting on me at a conference would be 6 half naked (and oiled!, can’t forget the oil) men following me wherever I go.  (Sorry Teddypig, you’ll have to get your own half a dozen ‘cause these are mine all mine.)

  7. 7

    I got that one too, belmanoir…almost tinkled on myself.

  8. 8
    Selah March says:

    Greetings. I’m Sedona Rilling. These are my amazing breasts and this is my fabulous ass. Don’t they look stunning in my skin-tight hot pink catsuit with Hello Kitty emblazoned on the back?

    This could work for me.

  9. 9
    Najida says:

    I’m Efflurgia Piddlybit and doncha just LOVE my backless cocktail dress, the better to show off the giant tattoo of the cover of my latest release on my back.

    OK, that does it, I’ll never get published.

    Spamword= has93,
    has 93 WHAT!!?!?

  10. 10
    Rinda says:

    ROFL!!!  I’m Giovanna Craven.  Furry vest, horned helmet and giant battle ax. 

    Thanks for the laugh.  I’m exhausted and sad for all the authors being discussed.  This was just the medicine needed.

    Oh and Sarah!  That fab pic of us after the awards ceremony disappeared!  Sucks!

  11. 11
    Mel-O-Drama says:

    Hello all! My name is Lavender Eversole and my costume is: A blue silk gown wrapped around by a giant plush dolphin with its head emerging over your shoulder


  12. 12
    Jepad says:

    I am Petunia Underwood.

    And I shall stun you all in my Black leather corset, riding crop and assless chaps. 

    Excellent, I always thought the Rodeo Dominatrix look would work for me…

  13. 13
    Teddy Pig says:

    Zarina Rilling

    A black silk shirt unbuttoned to the waist, a gold medallion, fake chest hair and a David Hasselhoff mask.

    Yep that sounds about right.

  14. 14

    Opaline Lullane here, wearing a toga, laurel wreath and half a dozen oiled men dressed in nothing but loincloths. Oh yeah!

  15. 15
    Jo says:

    I’m Willow Syrah or perhaps Syrah Willow and I look gorgeous in a Victorian riding habit, complete with train and epaulettes. Any suggestions for the colour of my horse which I intend to ride to all signings?

  16. 16

    Hello, I’m Heather Bitte and don’t you just love my lace bodystocking :)

  17. 17
    Nora Roberts says:

    Cassandra Jones. Not bad. But:

    Giant squid on the head, the ‘Feelings are Boring, Kissing is Awesome’ T-shirt from Dinosaur Comics, a leopard print miniskirt, purple-striped thigh high stockings and knee-high cowboy boots.

    NO! For the love of God, please, no!

    Keyword: Woman39.

    Wouldn’t wear the above even if I were still 39.

  18. 18
    shuzluva says:

    Domina Alphonse here.

    I’m going to wow you all with my red and blue tractor trailer with silver mask and a giant leaf over your privates: you are Optimus Prude.

    Ok, but only if I get to use Peter Cullen’s voice!

  19. 19
    Minx says:

    Oh la la! Me liiiikes….

    I’m the fabulous Chantal Belmontaine and my costume would be:
    Fishnet body suit, thong underwear and blinking Christmas lights placed at strategic points of the body.


  20. 20
    bettie says:

    Hi, I’m Yolande Linnet.  Please read my new novel Arthouse.  It’s the unauthorized sequel to the novelization of the movie GrindhouseArthouse finds postapocalyptic stripper/savior/stand-up comedienne Cherry Darling looking for fame, love, and ammunition in her new career as a performance artist in zombie-infested Manhattan.  I’ve come dressed as my main character.  My faaaabulous costume for author signings is:

    Black vinyl bra, mini-skirt and a machine gun for a leg.

    For authenticity’s sake, I’ve had my leg amputated.  Well, yes, it hurts.  But who cares, I’m published! 

    Now be a dear and hit the button on my morphine drip a time or two, will ya?

  21. 21
    Marty says:

    I Got Natasha Crescent, with white flowing gown, beard and angel wings.

    But I’d rather be Schweine WaxHoff, with Black Leather bustier, mesh stockings, metal tipped leather whip, and The Hoff T-shirt.

    I will also speak with a german accent like Dieter of “Sprockets”

    Auf Wiedersehen!

  22. 22
    AnimeJune says:

    Rinda! We must be related – I’m Vivienne Craven.

    And apparently, I’ve ripped off belmanoir’s act.

    …Only I’d rather be UNICRON than VOLTRON, don’t you think?

  23. 23
    Lila says:

    Hi! My name is Zarina Marque and I like to wear a ruffled-bodice empire-waist gown that stacks my cleavage like Jenga, with a diaphanous somewhat translucent skirt that, when backlit, shows off my wicked tight legs

  24. 24
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Ready! OK!

    Chantal Crescent here to charge you up and rock your world in my neon pink cheerleader outfit!

    Gooooo Wildcats!!

    (Now I’m SO thinking about the hawt 69 scene in A History of Violence. Married people? Blowing each other? Shutthefrontdoor!)

  25. 25
    plaatsch says:

    Lycenthia Jaxx “Mexican Wrestler outfit, complete with a huge feathered mask, gold cape and tag-teaming midgets”

    What was the name of tha movie? With the priest turned wrestler, played by Jack Black (is that his name?)?

    I got the name Pandora Indigo the second time with a Labrador on my head. Ah.

  26. 26
    Arethusa says:

    I’m Sara Alphonse and my costume is Armani, Hermes, Bulgari, Cartier, Tiffany, and some knockoff Balenciaga bag to go with it all. This means I’m Barbara Cartland, right? Right?

  27. 27
    Ann Bruce says:

    A toga, laurel wreath and half a dozen oiled men dressed in nothing but loincloths

    Ooh, I love mine.  Now, where do find the men?

    Wait, I think the “Thunder from Down Under” guys are coming to my city…

  28. 28
    Ann Bruce says:

    Ok, but only if I get to use Peter Cullen’s voice!

    Hasbro has come out with a mask that will transform anyone’s voice into Prime’s.

    It’s already on my Christmas list.

    Yes, I am unashamedly a geek.

  29. 29
    kate r says:

    O, Candy, I love you so much it hurts.

    But how are you going to put these generators in your book?

  30. 30
    Tania_HC says:

    I’m Maureen Miller, and while sporting a lab coat, stethoscope, and giant laser gun on your hip, I’m an alien crime fighting MD.

    It’s Sector General with a dose of crimefighting.

    And since we’re romance here, I see an opportunity for some tentacle hentai action. heh heh heh

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