Manly, Sensitive Men

You know all those romance heroes, the ones who are “strong, rugged and breathtakingly handsome, yet sensitive, patient listeners and utterly unselfish?” Josefina found some for you. Have a look-see.

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Sarah: What you don’t know is that that room? With the pink and the ochre and the flowers and lace? Is HIS room. That man is so very very gay, he sneezes teddy bears and sparkly pink hearts and rainbows – rainbows that talk and promise you he’s not gay, despite the issues of Butt, Thrust and Flesh4Men hidden under the bedspread.

Candy: Holy crap! Looks like Kelly dumped Woody for Greg of Dharma and Greg.

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Sarah: If that man were an RPG character, he’d have an intellect of 1 and a strength of 600 on a scale of 1-10, and his name would be Ugga. And his “charm?” It’s in his pants, baby! His little Valentine can bench press an ox.

Candy: Note to cover artists: Look, we appreciate you attempting to achieve a certain level of verisimilitude on your covers, and I’m as tired of the over-sculpted gym monkeys on romance novel covers as the next person, but there’s really no need swing the pendulum all the way over to the other side and make the hero look like Creepy Uncle Vern, y’know?

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Sarah: Romances, they are all about the woman’s dream, with no attention paid to the man’s dream. This poor guy, he’s even SHOWING his little lady his desire to engage in what-what-in-the-butt with any willing creature, and she smiles benignly ‘coz that baby pony is so cute. See how he gazes at you? He’s actually gazing at the artist’s assistant, who keeps bending over the paint supply box and doing the shimmy.

Candy: Y’know, that guy totally does look like he’s checking out somebody’s ass off-screen. But to be fair, that woman ain’t looking at the photo, either. Looking at the trajectory of the gaze, it looks like she’s weirdly, dreamily pleased by a random clump of grass about 4 feet away from them.

Speaking of that photo: I love that the whole “women love a bare-chested dude cradling a baby” schtick has somehow been carried over onto baby livestock, too.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Ann Bruce says:

    “strong, rugged and breathtakingly handsome, yet sensitive, patient listeners and utterly unselfish?”

    There are guys out there who encompass ALL that?  Then why does my significant other say I can only choose one—and ALL OF THE ABOVE isn’t an option.

  2. 2
    Chris says:

    I thought the last guy looked a bit like The Hoff.

  3. 3
    Kaite says:

    The Hoff after a rhinoplasty—the nose is distressingly Michael Jacksonish in its tininess.

    And the guy in the second one looks like what’s his face who played Jethro in the original Beverly Hillbillies. As he is now.

  4. 4
    Mel-O-Drama says:

    Well, after seeing cover number 2, all my questions about what happened to Gopher from Love Boat have been answered…

  5. 5
    Najida says:

    Oy vey!  Eye soap, eye soap and brain bleach please….

    And what is this friggin’ fixation with buttsex?  I long for the good ole days when big shlongs and oral where the ‘new taboo’.

    ~~sigh~~

  6. 6
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Weird. I was singing Woody’s KellyKellyKellyKelly song this morning.

  7. 7
    Ehnel says:

    Re: the second one … That’s one seriously creepyass man. He looks like he’s about to let loose a cackling, evil laugh.

  8. 8
    Emily says:

    I thought the last guy looked a bit like The Hoff.

    Secondended.

    And, dear God, I HAVE an Uncle Vern.

    Except he’s nice.

    It’s the Uncle GLENN who’s…actually a pedophile. No, really.

  9. 9

    Will the guy from the first cover come to my house and help me pick out window treatments?  He looks like he could do the job.

  10. 10
    Joanna S. says:

    I’ll admit it – I found the first cover the creepiest.  Although, #2 is a close second because it appears that the Overlord only needs give his child bride shiny, shiny baubles to keep her from mucking-up his empire of EVIL!!!

    However, I found a MUCH more sinister cast to cover #1 – afterall, maybe he uses the room that looks like it coughed up a Neo-Victorian revival to lure in young, virginal misses.  Only to torture them with devices that appear from behind the rotating false wall, which include shackles, paddles, whips, and those leather mouth doohickies with the red ball (just in cases she needs to “bear down”).  Or perhaps she’s in on it…hmmmm.  This couple bears watching.

  11. 11
    Teddy Pig says:

    I’m sorry but um, is their something wrong with that woman’s forearm in Rainbow’s Promise? It looks like pulled taffy.

    So the Valentine Charm is actually a garrote and he’s about to take her head off with the thing.

    Every Woman’s Dream seems to be annoyed with her choice of hair style and more interested in what the photographer is doing.Does his arm seem a little long to be on her waist?

  12. 12
    Sandy D. says:

    Apparently, “Every Woman’s Dream” is a big spider-like hand that has a life of its own. If that guy would just look down, he would scream, because its not his hand, it’s coming from somewhere else.

  13. 13
    mel says:

    I always wondered what happened to those peach stage curtains from my elementary school. Looks like “Greg” did a little dumpster diving.

    For some reason, every time I look at cover #2, I think “Watership Down”. His expression just says he’s gonna rip into her flesh any second, and he’s giggling ‘cause she’s got no clue.

    I don’t know about you guys, but my dream does not include a guy who rapes baby ponies (cuz that poor animal is terrified), and checks out *whatever it is* behind my back.

  14. 14
    srah says:

    She sort of looks like she might be looking at the back of the picture.  Like “Oh, is this where you got your senior portraits taken?  What kind of deal did you get?  Do you have any wallet-sized?”

  15. 15
    srah says:

    And he’s all “I’m no doctor, but you should probably have this mole looked at.”  Altogether, it’s a very romantic situation.

  16. 16
    DS says:

    No 2 looks like he needs a good chiropractor or physical therapist.  The way he is hunched over suggests some serious spinal problems. Or maybe he is just auditioning for the lead in the Regency dress version of Richard III.

  17. 17

    OMG – first thought on seeing #3 was “It’s the HOFF!”  She looks to me like a mannequin and he’s looking around to see if anyone is noticing he’s about to assault her.

    Valentine Charm – judging by the look on his face he’s definitely about to choke her to death with the necklace.

  18. 18
    Deb says:

    Okay, the smile on the guy’s face in #2?  That’s just plain scary and freaky.  He’s just a little *too* happy under the circumstances.  Especially because she looks none too pleased about events.

  19. 19
    sara says:

    I am never going to get the rhythm of “What what, in the butt” out of my head. Damn you bitches!

  20. 20
    Tracy says:

    The eyes of the guy on the cover of EVERY WOMAN’S DREAM look a little like Clint Eastwood to me.  And that cover makes NO sense. He’s looking over her shoulder, she’s holding a picture she’s not looking at. . . .

    #2 the guy is just “cousin it” scary to me

    #1 He does look like Thomas Gibson from Dharma and Greg. LOL

  21. 21
    Alley says:

    That room in Rainbow’s Promise looks like it’d smell of old lady and cough drops.

    I don’t see the Hoff on #3.  I see Ridge Forrester, from The Bold & The Beautiful.  And the chick kinda looks like Macy from that show, as well, way back when.  I love that he looks like he’s pushing her aside to get a better look at something, possibly the horse.  Also, who the hell takes 8×10 portraits of a shirtless guy carrying a horse?

  22. 22
    romazfan says:

    B-b-b-but I LIKE Bethany Campbell!

    Not her fault the cover sux.

    Wahhhhhh!

  23. 23
    Maggie says:

    At first glance I thought the last guy was checking her for ticks.

  24. 24
    Eve Vaughn says:

    *sigh* I read that last book.

    And the male cover model in the middle, he’s kind of hot. :-D

  25. 25
    snarkypants says:

    I thought Hero #2 looked eerily like Jethro Bodine.

  26. 26
    Brandi says:

    The Rainbow’s Promise guy reminds me of the male dancer in this vintage music video— and the first time I saw that my reaction was “You’re not fooling anyone, you know.”

  27. 27

    “That room in Rainbow’s Promise looks like it’d smell of old lady and cough drops.”

    Did you happen to notice the cane in the background? Obviously he’s staying with the Golden Girls and using Sophia’s room to seduce the blonde with the insect arms.

  28. 28
    Elizabeth says:

    Holy effing “Equus.”

  29. 29
    latebloomer says:

    The guy in in the second cover is definitely a young Liberace, and he’s taking the necklace off her because he wants to wear it.

  30. 30
    Rae says:

    Third guy definitely has a Hoffishness about him…and the second guy?  Looks like he’s going to strangle that chick with the necklace…

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