Dear Lord, It’s “Dear Sister.”

Dear SisterIn order to at least attempt to restore any credibility I might have in the “*squee* I LOVE YA” department, I’m going to review a Sweet Valley High novel. Specifically, the one that was such a tease that it drove me towards romance for more direct sexual explanation: Dear Sister book 7, where Elizabeth gets in a motorcycle accident, and is in a coma for all of, I think, 2 chapters. Not that the book’s cover copy led you to believe that. The copy and blurbs make it sound like she’s going to linger for pages.

And yes, this is also the book wherein Bruce Patman puts his hand on Elizabeth’s breast – and whoa, nelly. That’s about as far as anyone got in Sweet Valley, I think.

The best part: I bought it used for .01, though I did have to pay for shipping.

The next best part? A quiz! With prizes! I have a truckload of signed books, and shall send you two for your reading pleasure, should you be able to accurately guess the following questions:

1. How long will it take SB Sarah to read this book?

2. How many pages will be dog-eared as a marker for “This page contains outrageous badness and should be referenced in review?”

3. What grade will she ultimately assign the book?

Put your guesses in the comments, and I shall post the answers in my review. She or he who guesses most accurately will get 2 signed books of romance content to add to their library.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Carrie Lofty says:

    65 minutes; 35 pages; D+

    “Dear Sister” was a defining moment of my pre-adolescencececee, a word I still cannot spell.

  2. 2
    SB Sarah says:

    No question, salome, me, too. I about passed out when I read the word “breast.”

    If I’d only known what kinds of words I’d read in my future exploration of romance novels.

  3. 3
    Gail K. says:

    holy crap!  I read this book in high school.  During class.  I *knew* I wasn’t imagining this breast scene, LOL.  Bruce Patman, evil rich boy, right?  I passed the book, dogeared to specific boob page, around under the desks to my girlfriends, heh.  I can’t believe you managed to track down the exact title.  I need to order this asap.  In fact, I wonder if the whole SVH set is available somewhere on eBay?  Thanks.

  4. 4
    Teddy Pig says:

    1. How long will it take SB Sarah to read this book?

    1 day

    2. How many pages will be dog-eared as a marker for “This page contains outrageous badness and should be referenced in review?”

    12

    3. What grade will she ultimately assign the book?

    Grade D-
    Because she found the one where Bruce was sexually molested by several members of the Sweet Valley High Male Swim Team in the Sweet Valley High School boys locker room shower HAWT.

  5. 5
    Carrie Lofty says:

    My SVH shock and awe was then surpassed, in order, by Wifey, the Clan of the Cave Bear series, and Susan Johnson’s Outlaw. Woooodamn! My course was set, as were my sexual expectations.

  6. 6
    Nanna says:

    1. 75 minutes

    2. How many pages are there in the book? Kidding. 26.

    3. C- Because it’s a trip down memory lane.

    I must admit I never read the Sweet Valley High books. I only ever watched the series. *headdesk*

  7. 7
    Najida says:

    I have to admit, in HS, I never read YA romances, I went straight to the hardcore Avon Ladies adult passion stuff.

    Sheesh, I mean, breast touching is so silly when your study hall buddy is telling you about the WMS she’s having with her jock BF under the bleachers after football practice.  I may have been a virgin, but I wasn’t stupid.

    ANYHOW—-
    1. How long will it take SB Sarah to read this book?

    3 hours, 16 minutes, 32 seconds.

    2. How many pages will be dog-eared as a marker for “This page contains outrageous badness and should be referenced in review?”

    >50%

    3. What grade will she ultimately assign the book?
    —-F

  8. 8
    bam says:

    ZOMG, I love this book!

    umm… 75 mins, 30 pages, C+

  9. 9
    taybug says:

    Am I un-American if I didn’t read the SVH books? I went straight from “The Black Stallion” series (oh yes, I wanted a wild Arabian stallion, not some stupid little pony) to Kathleen Woodiwiss and Silhouette’s. Maybe I missed part of my childhood there.

    Time to read: 1 day if she’s still laid up in bed

    Dog-ears: 15 I couldn’t find a page count online (obviously I’m too lazy to look very hard) but I figure Sarah will have to find only the BEST referernces for the review

    Score: D

  10. 10
    Beth says:

    Oooh, a contest!  Let’s see…

    1.  90 minutes
    2.  30 pages
    3.  D+

  11. 11
    Liz C says:

    1. How long will it take SB Sarah to read this book? 2 days. Allowing for time spent away from the book so as not to go insane.

    2. How many pages will be dog-eared as a marker for “This page contains outrageous badness and should be referenced in review?” 20.

    3. What grade will she ultimately assign the book? D.

    Side note: I don’t remember this book at all and I had an extensive collection of SVH books in my younger years. I’m talking bags full that may or may not still be in a closet at my dad’s so I could possibly hook anybody up who wants to relive the badness.

  12. 12

    I’m not guessing, but oh I can’t wait for the review…and oh I loved me some SVH when I was 11 and 12.

    Sigh. Now I want to hunt up some for my own.

  13. 13
    KellyMaher says:

    1. How long will it take SB Sarah to read this book?

    6 hours, 13 minutes.

    2. How many pages will be dog-eared as a marker for “This page contains outrageous badness and should be referenced in review?”

    33

    3. What grade will she ultimately assign the book?

    D+

    And, I’ll go for extra credit and say Sarah will throw the book against the opposite wall once.

    This is the only SVH book I remember reading any part of…yes, the part I remember is the breast-touching.  I did read a lot of the SVTwins books, though.

  14. 14
    E.D'Trix says:

    1. 2 hours and 27 minutes
    2. 32 pages
    3. C+

  15. 15
    Danielle says:

    I must admit I was more enamored to the Caitlin books, also by Francine Pascal.  Anyone, anyone? 

    I was thoroughly titliated at the word “breast” appearing in the book.  This was made even better because her rancher boyfriend, Jed, I believe, was touching it.

    I definitely have to drag those out of storage.

    As for the quiz:

    1. 47 minutes
    2. 19 dog eared pages
    3. Overall grade of D+

    Enjoy :)

  16. 16
    Najida says:

    Am I un-American if I didn’t read the SVH books? I went straight from “The Black Stallion” series (oh yes, I wanted a wild Arabian stallion, not some stupid little pony) to Kathleen Woodiwiss and Silhouette’s. Maybe I missed part of my childhood there.

    Ditto—I wanted a horse!  As for the books, I don’t remember ever reading a ‘romance’ that only had handholding….. Maybe we both just were quick bloomers (or our bloomers were quick) ;)

  17. 17
    SB Sarah says:

    YES. The “Caitlin” triple-trilogy, with the rich girl learning to not be a complete douchebag.

    If I recall correctly, they had some of the most colorfully opulent cover art, sort of the visual equivalent of purple prose. There wasn’t a single issue without gorgeous Caitlin standing in front of some gorgeous sunset with her giant flawless head of 80’s hair puffed out in luxurious, impossible splendor. It was like porn for people with cloudy skies and flat hair.

  18. 18
    Karen says:

    1.  48 minutes

    2.  17

    3.  D

  19. 19
    t. says:

    How long? 12 hours, allowing for many breaks from the ridiculousness of SVH.

    How many pages? 35

    Grade: D+

    I read a couple of SVH in middle school, but this is the one that I remember best.  It was a pivotal moment in both my life and the series. *giggle*

  20. 20
    MaryKate says:

    1. One hour, 23 minutes
    2. 26 pages
    3. D+ for nostalgia’s sake.

  21. 21
    Joanna S. says:

    I actually wanted to clarify a bit because I think that this book shocked me for other reasons – wasn’t this the book where Jessica is sooooo incredibly jealous of Bruce’s attention toward her sister that she spikes Elizabeth’s drink at the big dance, and the reason Elizabeth’s boyfriend crashes is because they’re both drunk?  (I think it’s also the reason that Bruce is able to sneak in the grope…but maybe not)

    I remember being so utterly horrified that someone would do that to their sister that I think I began to hate Jessica too much to read any more of the series.  Thus, it kinda overshadows the whole breast touchy-touchy thing – especially because at the time I also was reading Judy Blume.  How can a breast grope compare to the loss of virginity on a faux bearskin rug or reunion sex in a sleeping bag?!

    Anyhoo – my guesses are:

    1. 10 min. (so as to review only the all-important breast scene)

    2.  Any page that DOESN’T include the aforementioned scene

    3. D+ (for the sake of nostalgia, and the one redeeming grope by the fratboy-in-training)

  22. 22
    Chris says:

    1. 3 hours

    2. 23 pgs

    3. C-

    SVH weren’t that bad, were they? I’m tempted to go to the ole thrift shop and pick up a bagful for $1 just to see.

  23. 23
    Julie says:

    Hmm, didn’t Caitlin have a horse?  As I recall she rode ‘English-style’, whatever that means (I’m English, and as far as I’m concerned there’s only one way to ride a horse which is to sit on it).

  24. 24
    nitenurse says:

    54 minutes

    47 dog ears

    Mark:  A for being a great rep. of a bad genre.

  25. 25

    1. 90 minutes
    2. 15 pages
    3. C

  26. 26
    Julie says:

    Ooops I forgot to include my guesstimates:

    1. 72 minutes

    2. All of ‘em.

    3. C- (for the humour factor).

  27. 27
    thebooklass says:

    Life was so simple for me back then.  Elizabeth’s boyfriend (Todd) just got a motorcycle and Elizabeth was on it, after having being sooo against it (because she’s the goody-goody twin, Jessica is the naughty twin) she was feeling brave and decided to jump a ride with him. I don’t think drugs or DWI was involved. Anyway, they ended up in a accident and she got a total personailty re-vamp and made Jessica look like nothing.  It took me a while to realize Francine Pascal didn’t write most of these books. I also remember reading Sweet Valley Twins when Jessica got her period. That was so shocking to me in 5th grade.  Then I went off and read Adora by Betricia Small and giggled at the naughty parts.

  28. 28
    Eunice says:

    2 hours 35 minutes

    15 pages

    D+

  29. 29
    Dr. Strangelove says:

    Three hours 14 minutes (with two hysterical laughter breaks)

    Half the book is dog-eared resulting, when closed, in a book twice as thick

    Grade C for the pure camp

  30. 30
    KristenMary says:

    Okey doke.. here are my guesses.

    1. 63 minutes
    2. half the book
    3. C- because its campy fun

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