White Horror

Bitchery Reader Erin went above and beyond the call of duty in that she risked re-exposing herself to the following two covers, which she discovered while shelving the romance at work.

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Sarah: Chief Appears As Floating Horse Head knew his vengeance against his evil stepson was nearly complete. Looks Like Squaw But Pees Standing Up had already fooled him with sexual wiles, and so long as the young warrior, Mullets Are Not Gay, didn’t move his leg any farther up Squaw’s valley, the Chief would soon witness young Mullet’s humiliation.

Candy: White Vengeance. There’s a title that’s NOT AT ALL LOADED for you. Next up in this series: White Pride, White Hatred and White Nationalism.

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Sarah: That there Native American Man Titty had such powerful wind, he stretched his horse out like a big sweaty piece of hair taffy and tore that woman’s dress apart. Wow. Great Spirit indeed.

Candy: What a wonderfully novel way to kill somebody—create massive turmoil in your surrounding areas with your, uh, white wind so they don’t see you coming, then grab at their backs while riding full gallop so you snap their spines like twigs.

Also: Riding bareback. While bare-assed. That’s a whole new world of funky deliciousness right there.

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Sarah: “What? What?! In the Butt?!”
“Yes, that is my formal name. My friends call me INVISIBLE BUTTSECKS.”

Candy: Invisible Buttsecks: actually a metaphor for Visible Genocide. Look, even the name suggests as much. White Dawn? Jesus, what the fuck were the people thinking when they came up with these titles?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Sarah Frantz says:

    You forgot “White Burden.”

  2. 2

    WTF is going on with the man’s skin in White Wind?!  The color is not so much the issue…but the shininess.  He’d never be able to sneak up on buffalo, they’d be frightened away by his glow.

  3. 3
    Lauren says:

    Oh DeSalvo.

  4. 4

    Sarah beat me to it.  “White Pride” would have been my next suggestion.

  5. 5
    Miranda says:

    For additional hilarity, I refer you to the Amazon reviews, especially the one that has Susan Edwards “right up there with Cassie Edwards!”.

    White Vengance, according to the blurb, features a partial-Native American girl and a white sheriff, so I don’t know who He Whose Mullett is Mighty is supposed to be.

    White Wind is supposed to be the heroine’s ‘Indian’ name, which doesn’t sound terribly complimentary to me!

  6. 6
    Kerry Allen says:

    I thought “White Supremacy” was by far the best book in this series.

  7. 7
    Kerry Allen says:

    Just out of curiosity, what kind of dye did they use in those days to achieve that particular shade of radioactive pink on the second cover?

  8. 8
    SB Sarah says:

    Next on my TBR pile is White Liberal Guilt. Stay tuned for a review.

  9. 9

    “Okay, guys.  Now, before we get off the boat, lets be absolutely clear about this.  We’re going in, stealing their land, obliterating their culture, we’re looking at localized and poorly organized attempts at enslavement and relocation, and then… MAN-TITTY!  That should put those red devils right in their places!”

    Seriously, what early settlers did to the native peoples wasn’t bad enough, now we immortalize their struggle in cheesy clinch covers?

  10. 10
    Najida says:

    Drat, I was about to post “White Self-loathing” but someone beat me to it!

  11. 11
    darlynne says:

    Do I even want to know what “Romantic Times Career Achievement Nominee” means (see first and third covers)?

  12. 12
    Charlene says:

    And why does the guy in White Wind apparently have a jaundiced right mantitty?

    I’m waiting for White Castle, which will figure tiny mantitty – but lots of it.

  13. 13
    Charlene says:

    Also, wasn’t White Dawn a brand of shampoo back in the 70s?

  14. 14
    Kerry Allen says:

    Note the Vengeful one’s rearward arm. It’s pulled back like that because he’s getting ready to knife her between the ribs so he can steal her dress and have a FRINGED buttflap instead of that dated peplum.

  15. 15
    Najida says:

    Then there are the Epicuris versions—-
    White Cheddar (takes place in Wisconsin)

    White Chocolate (just a lot of fat and not much else)

    White Asparagus (buried alive for a period of time)

    White Pepper (mild and blends in)

    White Shrimp (Sadly small)

  16. 16
    Carrie Lofty says:

    That was White Rain, Charlene. And White Castle would, of course, featured a very stoned Doogie Howser.

    But seriously, bitches, let’s all give a little nod to physics, yes? Look at the second cover. She’s flying. He has her by the waist, she’s flashing her coochie, and soon her back will snap… or she’ll careen over the horse… or the very startled-looking horse will decide to screw ‘em both and shake free.

    That, and her hairstyle and forearm/hand position reminds me of every time old fashioned Jean Gray ever ever got some sort of bad brain noogie.

  17. 17
    Jepad says:

    I’m still convinced the “female” on White Wind isn’t alive at all.  I suspect she has been inflated by said white wind.  And when he’s done with her she can be conveniently uninflated and stored in the saddlebags.  Or perhaps the title refers to the vast quantities of AquaNet used to create their ‘80’s hairstyles.

  18. 18
    Jenyfer says:

    White Wind – Silent, but deadly…

  19. 19
    Julia says:

    Do you have the one where the sheriff moves down south? “White Only”?

  20. 20
    arielle says:

    Is the heroine-of-massive-bangs on the second cover pulling a Britney Spears?  There’s definitely something off about the proportions of her waist and hips, but that sure looks like where her lady parts should be.

    How sad and unnecessarily dirty is my mind that the white blobbies on the font of said cover bring to mind splashes of, um, other white-ish substances…

  21. 21
    Chris says:

    White Venegance Chick looks like a Shania Twain impersonator, possibly a female impersonator. They met in Vegas. He works in the bar where he/she was performing.

    White Wind: She swooned when she was blinded by his man-titty which also caused her dress to spontaneously split up the front. This is his man-titty superpower.

    White Dawn: If White Dawn wasn’t a shampoo, then it was a laundry soap, I’m sure of it. Just look at their gleaming white get-ups.

  22. 22
    iffygenia says:

    w00t for Unreconstructed Romance Titles!  Checkit: Amazon customers who bought White Vengeance also bought:

    White Deception… yarr! teh eevil!

    White Dove… no soilage here: a heroine must be Virtuous, or I’ll never cheapen her (lurves me some Benedick)

    White Dreams of dusky mantitty, followed by:

    White Dusk… mixing bloodlines, eh?

    White Nights in torn satin: he’s buttsecksin’, she’s self-pleasurin’

    Hope’s Captive… the mantitty looks taken aback

    Half-Breed Warrior… and his doppelgänger, Half-Breed Accountant

    Half-Breed’s Lady… which sets up Half-Breed’s Single Mother

    Savage Obsession… yes you, with the 50 Savage titles

    Savage Beloved… yeah baby! Bite that jugular!

    Silken Savage… whoa now. A title like Savage Beloved can pretend it’s about character, not stereotyping. See, the adjective, it gives you wiggle room. But Silken Savage? That there’s a noun. And what that means is, somebody’s got to be the savage. Let’s hope it’s the chick.

    I get all schadenfreudeish at the thought of all those Amazon customers buying every one of these and having a whopping bookcase full of bad titles.

  23. 23
    Candy says:

    OK, “Nightclubbin’” by Iggy Pop has been playing in my head for a little while, but when I started to pay more attention, I realized that Iggy was actually singing “White clubbin’, we’re white clubbin’” in my brain.

    White clubbin’: the preferred response to White Vengeance?

  24. 24
    DS says:

    The webpage says it all.  Check out the biography where she is shown throttling cats:  http://susanedwards.com/biography.html

    I confess I was hoping to see that she was Cassie Edwards daughter or something.

  25. 25
    iffygenia says:

    There goes my interest in her books.  That’s disingenuous: I had no such interest.  Srsly though, check out the terrible sentence:

    Susan Edwards resides in California with her husband of 20+ years. With their kids away to college, they are rediscovering life without kids. During the day, Susan, a dog and five cats keep her from suffering “empty nest” syndrome.

    It conjures up books full of unclear pronouns:

    White chick: “Take your dusky hand off my white white thigh! It’s so large and ugly!”

  26. 26
    quichepup says:

    And the present day sequel—White Flight

    Personally I’m waiting for White Riot. I have a special loathing for the whole mystical indian dude/white chick with magic hooha genre.

  27. 27
    Carrie Lofty says:

    White Wedding?

  28. 28
    iffygenia says:

    White Wedding?

    Harlequin’s all over that one ;) Though not Billy Idol style, more’s the pity.

    They have a White Wedding series and a secret daddy series called Gowns of White.  (Gowns of White must be supersecret code for The Virgin Bride Said “Not so much!”)

  29. 29
    Teddy Pig says:

    Candy you forgot my fav… White Trash.

    White Elephant
    White Russian
    White Party
    White Sale
    White Stripes
    and last but note least
    The Thin White Duke

  30. 30
    Meril says:

    There’s a suburb of Minneapolis called Savage, which is what those book titles always remind me of. Lots of businesses in Savage are “Savage x”—the Chamber of Commerce page says “Welcome to the Savage Chamber.” I don’t think I want to read that one.

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