Carpe Hasselhoff!

*cue horn-like synth riff*

Butchered poems together
Laughed till we fell ill
And maybe there’ll be more
We have time to kill
I guess there is no one to blame
We’re being clowns
Hoffpoetry’s driving us insane

It’s the final countdown…

That’s right, motherHoffers! You have until midnight tonight to submit your Hoffpoem, and most importantly, VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE. Right now, I’m counting only one vote. Get Hoff your ass, and do it like it’s 1989.

Edited to add: Voting more than once is totally okay by us. Vote early, vote often, and feel free to submit more poems. It’s still wide open, folks.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    How can I possibly choose just one?? Can I give you my top 5?

  2. 2
    Candy says:

    Sure! Vote for your all your favorites. I know Sarah and I have a damn-near impossible time of picking The Very Favorite One OMG.

  3. 3

    I put in my vote for HaikuKatie’s first effort.  It made me laugh so hard I scared the poor dog.

  4. 4
    Teddy Pig says:

    One Hoff
    Two Hoof
    Red Hoff
    Blue Hoff

  5. 5

    OMG – there were so many GREAT poems added since I last looked!! I loved them all but my very very very snort-out-loud-favs:

    Baywatch Dreary – Celine

    The Dr. Seuss-Hoff – Stephanie

    ALL of Haiku-Katie’s

    Modern Hassel Miracle – iffygenia

  6. 6
    Marissa says:

    iffygenia has my vote.

  7. 7
    Sallyacious says:

    iffygenia – G&S tribute
    AnimeJune – Eye bowe inn awe
    Joanna S – Kubla Kahn. wonderful
    Wry Hag – WCW. Brilliant
    Katie – Dr. Seuss.

    There were so many others I wanted to pick, but I managed to narrow it down to my top 5. Not without a great deal of anguish, I’ll have you know.

  8. 8
    AnimeJune says:

    Yay! Someone other than me voted for me!

    By the way, I vote for ME. ^_^

  9. 9
    Elizabeth says:

    Is there still time?  It’s only a bit past nine, here on the West Coast.

    Right now, I’m voting for Celina Summers, for her Edgar Allen Hasselhoff contribution.  I might change my mind, though.  These all have me cracking-up, and my brother wants to know what’s so funny?

  10. 10
    kpsr. says:

    so, I voted in the old thread before I realized this was here. Here’s my comment:

    d’oh!
    here’s hoping that this will get counted as a vote, even though it’s past midnight here. (it’s not midnight on the west coast yet! that counts, right?)
    this is such a tough decision, but my votes are:
    haikukatie
    iffygenia
    and
    joanna s.
    (unless i can vote for candy. that damn llama song is going to be stuck in my head for another week and a half now, but i don’t think i mind. it was that funny.)

  11. 11

    (Rushes wildly up, breathless and scattering hairpins everywhere.) What do you mean too late for the voting? And too late for poems? (Clutches damp, crumpled paper in ink-stained fingers)

    For the record, I so couldn’t decide between the brilliance of Haikukaite & iffygenia.

    Umm… and I did write one, so hope you don’t mind if I post it here for the sake of posterity.

    Haff a Hoff! Haff a Hoff!
    Hoff a haff-hass-ter!
    Hoffnapped by villains in vests,
    Forced to eat pasta.
    “Eat refined carbs!” they cried
    “Or fluffy bunnies die!
    “You won’t be so stallionesque,
    “Puffed-up by pasta.”

    “More refined carbs!” they said.
    Mac and cheese was he fed.
    “Deep-fried white eggy bread
    “Makes waistlines vaster!”
    Carb load was their vicious plot.
    Carb load that in vain Hoff fought.
    Carb bloat gave him Hoffin-top.
    Not quite so stallionesque,
    Now needs a basque…(er…)

    Hoffin bulged o’er speedo trunks,
    Hoffin’s not for Hoffly hunks,
    Hoffin shades the Hoffly junk,
    Damn all that pasta!
    Faded the perma-tan,
    Wobbles like custard flan,
    Vision of Hoffliness,
    Ruined by evil plan.
    Who is this

    b-*bleep* it’s a kid’s show, dammit

    dastard?

    Hoff knew those eyes that flashed,
    Knew those veneers that gnashed
    ‘Neath caterpillar ‘tache
    Sneered Hoffelganger, the
    Evil mind-master.
    “See my thick, chestly hair,
    “Gold chains do nestle there,
    “Mine is Hoff-power!
    “Oiled leather pants I wear
    “Tighter than plaster!”
    Then he strode out and left—
    Left Baked Alaska.

    Hoffin speedo’s seams divide
    Hoffin’s awkward cracks cloth rides
    Who runs with Hoffins, wedgified.
    How to move faster?
    Stolen stretch lamé thong,
    Morally may be wrong
    But thigh constriction’s gone.
    Thus minimally dressed
    He hoffled-poffed through dawn.
    Hoff-power not denied,
    Even by pasta.

    Honour the Hoffliness!
    Greater than any threats
    That villains venture.
    All evil plans foiled best,
    Same time each week, an ex-
    -citing Hoffenture.

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