Do-It-Yourself Snark

It’s an all-day celebration and continued proof that Satan is indeed in control of publishing.

First, there’s Hoff. And his hassel.

And now? An opportunity for you, the esteemed Bitchery, to snark till you drop. Consider it an early Memorial Day present (even if you’re not in the US? Just take Monday off and barbecue something, k?)

Presenting: The cover that offers itself to you for limitless beating. Courtesy of Bitchery Reader Michelle.

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Well, of course, Candy did have one comment…

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Comments are Closed

  1. Jenyfer says:

    OMG -I’m first to comment and I’m strangely tongue tied. But what the hell are they rolling in? I once drove all the way across Texas and never saw anything that looked like *that* (and I’m not talking about the people and their strange twisted position)

  2. Jenyfer says:

    I forgot to mention the title – “wow”?? I often have trouble coming up with titles, but is this really the best they could do? And the editors,etc accepted that? I might just have to read it to find out what the “wow” is about!

  3. Aimee says:

    Well, it can’t be a bed of flowers as they seem to be strangely level with the tops of the flowers. The only thing that comes to mind is those old fuzzy hook rugs that you made for Home Ec class…

  4. iffygenia says:

    Having to market that cover-o-delite wowed Sarah Mlynowski:

    DC: How did you start writing chick lit?

    SM: I was single and working at Harlequin, marketing novels such as The Virgin Bride Said Wow and The Texas Sheik’s Runaway Princess. I found the ironic juxtaposition between the books I marketed and my single-in-the-big-city life the perfect experience to explore in fiction.

  5. Michelle says:

    The blue flowers are called Bluebonnets,
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bluebonnets They .are the state flower in TX.

  6. iffygenia says:

    I thought they must be some kind of carpet lily.
    Lilium Grandmasnursinghome rugium, perhaps.

  7. Trac says:

    They remind me of tiny, blurry American flags. Ladies, we have the most. Patriotic. Sexxing. EVER.

  8. Jo Leigh says:

    It just seems a weird place to practice a synchronized swimming routine.

  9. kis says:

    One word: Bees.

  10. MamaNice says:

    The husband happened to peeking over my shoulder when I was reading this and said, “What, as opposed to The Virgin Bride Said Ouch” ?

    I, of course, misread the author’s name to be: Cathy Gillien Thatchers.

  11. My money’s on fluorescent shag carpet. Very badly installed, to judge by all the ripples.

    I do admire their comma usage, however.

    picture66. Strangely accurate.

  12. iffygenia says:

    I might just have to read it to find out what the “wow” is about!

    I think we know what the “wow” is about.  The “wow” precedes the “ouch”.

    “Wow!  Your peepee is excitingly large!”

    “Ouch!  That monster won’t work for doggy style!”

  13. trinket says:

    Bluebonnets grow all over the side of almost every highway in Texas (thanks to Lady Bird Johnson).  There’s a really tenacious urban legend that it’s illegal to pick them.  People really won’t pick them for fear of being arrested.  But of course, everyone knows it’s perfectly okay to consummate your marriage on them.  Thank goodness.

  14. Chad Saxelid says:

    The Mail Order Real Doll Virgin Bride is more like it.  Also, judging by the position of her hips, torso, and head it appears that Mr. Lockhart didn’t bother to ready the assembly instructions before dressing and dropping her onto his Seventies Stud Shag Rug.

  15. The virgin cocktease and the blueballs, um bells…

  16. iffygenia says:

    it’s perfectly okay to consummate your marriage on them

    Good luck to them on the consummation.  Every high school kid can read the Virgin Bride’s posture: “Naughty boy!  No touching below the waist.  I think you’re awful cute but I’m just not ready.”

    My hoochie cooch is a fine and private place, But none I think do there embrace.
    To His Coy Mistress, somewhat updated

  17. --E says:

    More like The Virgin Bride Said “Wow, Where Did You Find Floral-pattern Linoleum?”

    Also, looks like she’s gonna remain a virgin, though doubtless Cowboy is thinking, “Damn, she’s bendy! Good thing I have this really girly kitchen floor to charm the pants off her.”

    wordver: mans66 Yep, that’s the position they’re in, all right.

  18. bookworm says:

    She’s doing pilates on her grandma’s hideous shag rug. He’s staring into her eyes assessing for signs of brain damage. They’re perfect for each other.

  19. Cara says:

    As a Texan, I find that picture offensive!!!!!!!

  20. iffygenia says:

    It’s a very Superman/Lois Lane in the ice caves pose, isn’t it.

    The title….  So few words, so much to snark.  To me, the Virgin is even worse than the Wow.  Ee-yow.

    I presume the Virgin and the unsexy poses are code for “This book isn’t all about teh Sex” and the Virgin heroine adheres to certain, you know, High Standards of Modest Femininity.

    But putting her hymen in the title… is that modest?  Does it really give a message that sex isn’t the most important thing in the relationship?  Nuh uh.  When it’s emphasized to that degree… that there’s a fetish.

  21. Doesn’t look like cowboy’s too interested in sexing either, considering he’s angling his pelvis in the completely opposite direction as well.

    But holy hell!  Who decided on that title – it’s worse than the florescent bluebell linoleum.

  22. Gail says:

    Oh my! There are bluebonnets in the yard across the street (blue AND pink ones—though now rather overcome with burr clover…) that looked a little like this before the burr clover got so wild. But no way you could hover like this on top of them… The ones across the street would cover them up, so all you could see would maybe be…his knees… But they did get the color right.

    I bet he’s thinking “a few more twists and she’ll come right apart…”

    Gail (in Texas—and you’d have to drive cross state in the right time of year, and the right part of it (not the Panhandle) to see the flowers. The bluebonnets are in yards in the Panhandle. The suitably phallic yucca are blooming alongside the roads here)

  23. snarkhunter says:

    What, as opposed to The Virgin Bride Said Ouch”

    See, that’s exactly what I was going to say, except it was going to be “The Virgin Bride Said Ow!”

    B/c, really. It’s only one letter, and Mr. Dippity-Doo there doesn’t look like he’s the sensitive type. More the “poke at them ‘till something goes in” type. (Mostly b/c he still hasn’t quite figured out the positions…)

  24. KathrynTheGreat says:

    “If my torso faces this way, and your torso faces that way…”

    or

    Wild Contortionist Cowfolk

    or

    It’s the anti Kama Sutra! No wonder she’s a virgin, he obviously is too..

    or

    “And the manual said this is the safest way to have sex!”

    or

    The Virgin Bride Said, “Wow!  You’re a fucking moron!  Even I know we need to be naked.  Also, there’s a bug crawling up my ass…”

    or

    Cowboy Bob liked Cowboy Jane…But what he really liked was blue flowers…Such pretty blue flowers…Rubbing himself on the flowers…”

  25. eeyore9990 says:

    Who gave this man a pair of boots and a hat?!  Seriously, no cowboy worth his salt rolls up his jeans!!  Just… no.

    Heh.  My wordy thingy is physical22.

  26. Little Miss Spy says:

    Ha! I lorve it! thank you thank you i bow to you, smart bitches.

  27. Honestly. Haven’t we Texans got enough to be embarrassed about without ruining the few things that are kind of cool about the state: cowboys and bluebonnets?

    I especially love the (a) exclaimation point and (b) the little junior high heart in the subtitle.

    (Hi Gail Dayton! *waves*)

  28. SandyO says:

    When I was in the fifth grade, a classmate told me “fuck” meant when two people rubbed their butts together.

    Looking at the cover, they obviously believed my classmate and that is obviously why the bride is still a virgin.

  29. monimala says:

    I’m thinking The Virgin Bride Said, “What what in the butt?”

  30. Cara says:

    I was thinkin’ there is a pic of my grandpa somewhere in the 30s or 40s with his jeans rolled up like that. Weird.

    I think the butt fuck explanation takes the cake!

  31. Mouse says:

    Hey, you two. I don’t mean to intrude or anything but…um…

    YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

  32. Janetm says:

    Obviously the victim of a print production error of the worst sort, this book has nothing to do with virgins or marriage. What it really is—a manual for the Texas variant of shove ha’penny, where you get to see who can fart the hat furthest along the floor.
    Size94, eh? Lucky me.
    Janet

  33. EGS says:

    I love how they’re literally sitting on top of the flowers, like they’re floating or something.

  34. Ann Bruce says:

    Those bluebonnets remind of the hideous shag carpet we used to have in an apartment during the 80s.

    However, the scariest thing is the title and cover were done this millennium.  Yes, that’s right.  Someone in the year 2001 thought this would appeal to women THIS MILLENNIUM.

  35. Najida says:

    That cover takes tacky to Olympian levels.

  36. Estelle Chauvelin says:

    The Virgin Bride Said “Wow, That’s Not As Big As I Thought They Were.”

  37. Ann Bruce says:

    Oops, forgot my title snark the first time:

    The Virgin Husband Said, “The picture was kinda blurred.”

    The Virgin Bride Said, “Hmm. Your brother was turned the other way.”

    And one week later in divorce court… Wait, the marriage wasn’t consummated.  Annulment!

  38. Jeri says:

    Even before I read the Sarah Mlynowski interview I thought, “That title was the last act of a bitter marketing chick on her way to a better job.”  Or the loony bin.

  39. Kimberly says:

    I’m not Texan but I do live in Texas and those Bluebonnets just scare me…it looks like the guy is trying to flee and with her overly long arms she’s hooked him down..

    Personally I wouldnt roll around in flowers…fire ants much?

  40. DebH says:

    I had no idea that there was a market for paranormal cowboys!  He’s pretty good, too, he’s got the whole “levitate” thing worked out just fine.

    She’s obviously a virgin.  Only a virgin would be taking such elaborate precautions (jeans tucked into boots, and a belt)to preserve the untouched nature of her knees.

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