Sarah Frantz sent us a link to this fine cover. And by “fine” I mean, “Someone pass me a tooth brush and some eyewash solution so that I might scrub scrub scrub.”
Sarah: Looks like the only thing that’s going to fall suddenly is his yadderwal onto the grass, given her very peculiar aim. I can only assume this is a new issue in the emasculation subgenre of erotic romance.
Candy: Whoa! I didn’t expect sounding to show up in romances for quite a while, but here it is, right on the cover. Being performed on what looks like a child, or maybe a really teensy midget—by a drag queen in hot pink, no less.
Lady Rhiann, as usual, punishes us with sweet, savage horrors.
Sarah: Wow. It’s so subtle. From the phallic shaft imagery of her torso, to the explosive white shower raining down her cleavage, to the title itself. I can’t quite put my finger on what the message is here. Maybe Lady Rhian is right – it’s “How to keep your hair try in a waterfall?”
Candy: And the fetishes keep getting more exotic! The title “Inside Paradise,” together with the stream of water hitting a very strategic spot on the woman’s body, just makes me think these two schmucks are engaging in a watersports-o-riffic three-way with a giant deity. Though one would think that a god(dess?) would have better taste than to pick two people who manage to look greasier than a sea otter after the Exxon Valdez.
And, in response to the clamor for Patricia Gaffney’s asparagus-growth hero from To Have and to Hold, I searched and searched, but all I came up with was this one. Let this be a SB APB: anyone who has that cover, please hook us up with a scan or a pic!
Sarah: It’s not easy wearing green
Having to spend each day covered in seafoam green
when I think it could be nicer
to wear silk or flannel or even cotton
or something more comfortable like that.
It’s not easy wearing green
but it’s been worse since Prince Charming went and broke my neck
Now I can’t even change my outfit
since my vertabrae are snapped in half like twigs
I can’t raise my head.
But then the real treason is…
Nothing in nature is really seafoam green
Not even seafoam, or mold, or old spooge, or dick cheese,
There’s no seafoam green.
Yet here I am in seafoam green.
It could make me wonder why, but why wonder, why wonder.
I am dead, and stuck in seafoam. It’s horrible.
And I feel bad for Patricia Gaffney.
Candy: And now we have a cover that obviously portrays a necrophiliac romance. This guy harvests his prey by spooking horses so they throw their riders and break their necks. He then swoops in for the…well, you know.
The “Yadderwal Balance Series” subtitle combined with the grey-haired woman makes the book sound more like a pamphlet for Overactive Bladder Syndrome. Magical OAB.
And how did Patricia Gaffney get Winona Judd to pose for her?
More like WHY would Patricia Gaffney get Winona Judd to pose for her?
That Urban Dictionary is Da Shit. Thx.
I think I only commented because the traffic in my inbox had slowed. Suddenly, I was beginning to have free time again.
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It’s not new. You obviously haven’t been keeping up with the Anita Blake books.
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Wow. That’s all I can say. Wow. You learn something new every day. I’m just…wow…appalled. People really do this? Wow.
Oh, well, now that I know you don’t even have to RHYME—
It’s not easy wearing seafoam green
Especially with a cervical collar
So I just go around like this
Cockeyed
Holding my dress up in preparation for that moment
When I’m overcome with an urge
To do the Can-Can.
Sounding.
I threw up a little in my mouth.
>>Sounding<<
I learn so many new things here. Many of which I would just as soon not learn.
Euuuuwww.
I knew I shouldn’t have followed that link to the Urban Dictionary.
*shudder*
Ok, I now know things I didn’t want to know because of this site. I must get the smelling salts for when I tell dh about ‘sounding.’ Blech!
The guy who pored water into Paradise’s cleavage worked for free that day.
Verification word: head36, not going to go there.
My hubby laughs at my books ‘cause they don’t teach anything useful.
Hah! Thanks to the snark here I now know what sounding is. And I’m gonna tell him, just to watch him squirm. Payback is hell, baby! 🙂
I’m always learning something new here at SB. Now everytime I see a duck, I think of duck rape. And now when I hear the once innocuous word sound…my brain will be elsewhere, shuddering in horror.
And OMGWTFBBQ my word is “sound58.” I hope that’s not an omen! 🙁
Was I the only one who read that first cover as “Sudden Fail?”
::Is so totally not even thinking about sounding, even a little. Brrr!::
You just HAD to drag gray-haired midget sounding into it, didn’t you Candy? And you, Sarah, murdering my favorite Muppets song on the altar of cover snark.
I love you guys. But…*shiver* UGH.
*runs for eyewash*
Quite a coup for Patricia Gaffney getting Wynnona Judd and Ted Danson to pose for her cover.
As for the first cover, why is the hippie grandmother neutering the goth midget? Now there’s a subgenre of porn I’ve never heard of. Mature woman/midget goth male emascualtion/snuff porn.
The less said about the second cover, the better. My brain is crying to crawl out my ears now.
“Sounding” = Dis-gus-teeeeeeeeng! Ok, so I have you bitches to thank for all sorts of gross knowledge I’d probably be better off without = but where the hell do you pick it up in the first place? Social Deviance correspondence classes? Sheesh.
Katie, glad to see I wasn’t the only one that thought “Bladder Infection” upon seeing the first cover. I think the awesome badness of the cover art caused my eyes to cross, blending the words in the sub-title.
SB Sarah – I’m sure the use of “put my finger on it” for Inside Paradise was a complete coincidence, right?
Aw, geez, I thought that last cover was about a couple on their way to the prom in 1986, and the theme was “1776.”
Hey Mama, you be lookin sharp in that seafoam green.
… is this where I make sure not to tell anyone that I already knew what sounding was?
Okay, okay, I have two excuses. One’s that I’m a nurse and there are actually some medical reasons to do it. Second one is that I frequent Mistress Matisse’s blog and whoodamn, that woman does some scary shit to her clients. I love reading about it. Does that make me sick?
… yes? Cool.
SWEET! Check out my name! Whadda week; not only did I get to claim a new flame-war law, I scored Fuckheady Bitchipants. Lurve ya, Candy!
Didn’t know the name for it but I once read an emergency room report where the patient arrived with a pencil stuck up his ureter. Lesson to be learned: Don’t sharpen it first.
Never heard of this peculiar activity before.
Am I naive or what!
Would the poke-er be called a “sounder” by any chance?
Bitches always put such a bad interpretation on the motivations of covers. These are all just helper-dudes at work.
Sudden Fall? that actually is his yadderwal and she’s just helping him put it back where it belongs. It needed some balancing..
Inside Paradise, you’re right, there’s some trouble with grease, and so he’s just trying to help her wash her hair. He can’t help it if his aim is off.
And Sweet Treason refers to the dress maker who made the shoulders fit a linebacker. Poor woman had a terrible sneezing fit (allergic to horses) and he’s helping her hike her gown back into place.
Sheesh. It’s true y’all are so negative.
and speaking of helper-dudes, Amy Fuckheady bitchipants, you did find MM through me? Naturally.
In the spirit of being helpful and getting more hits, I think I’ll also put up a link to Fester’s monkey. It’s all about the links these days.
Another helper-dude link: The article about Dr. Laura’s Son’s Sick Page.
(Now I’m going to sit back and hope Candy has something to say.)
Damn, Kate, that’s too good to be true about Dr Laura’s son. I fear it’s a hoax, because the world could not be lucky enough to have that hypocritical, slept her way to the top, unfeeling, sanctamonious bitch produce a perv.
That’s sick and wrong, but thoroughly believable. Troops are under strain and I’m sure that, if this is in fact his site, he’s not the only one to go bugshit crazy after all the horrors he’s seen in Iraq. Hoax or true, let’s hope it focuses some attention to a needed area—the mental health of over-stressed troops in a seemingly endless guerilla war.
And yes, I found Mistress Matisse through your blog, Kate R! You’ve got all the good links.
The cover of “Inside Paradise” for some reason brings to mind the term “golden shower”.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Golden+Shower
I actually learned this term while talking to someone about Noah’s Ark and The Great Flood…
Whew. Whole slew of things I never knew. Thanks for the mention.
“but where the hell do you pick it up in the first place?”
Um…at your friendly neighborhood dungeon, of course.
I took a class on penetration just last month and there was a demonstration with sounds. It was actually quite breathtaking…but then I’m officially a perv (living in the SF Bay Area no less)!
I totally thought that first cover said “Sudden Fail.” Which I think would have fit perfectly.
I’m with you on the golden shower one, LDH. That water looks thoroughly urine-like to me.