Sailing the seas of man-titty

Looking at these covers, I wonder that they didn’t resort to cabin boys more often. And I’m speaking for both the men and the women. Though I certainly wouldn’t blame the cabin boys for RUNNING LIKE HELL away from these specimens.

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Candy: That look on the woman’s face? It’s not awe at the dude’s manliness, it’s terror at his hair. Look at it. You know it was lifted from the scalp of some murderous criminal, and that soon it will possess his soul. In fact, why don’t we just retitle the book “Hell Toupée” and call it a day, all right?

Sarah: Dude. Look at that chick’s fingers. Those are some Man Hands.

And that gentleman better stay away from any sea fire, since the wax they use at Madame Tussauds does melt. The only thing worse than stubbly man titty is melting man titty.

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Candy: I’m no meteorologist, but when the sky looks like God just came down with a walloping case of jaundice, I’m pretty sure running for cover is the smarter option rather than, say, humping on the beach. I’m just sayin’.

Sarah: And now, the ballad of The Sun Fucker:

Tiny thrusts are all you take
Humping on the sun.
I hope blisters don’t break
Humping on the sun.
Mullets protect me from the glare
Humping on the sun.
Good thing her ass ain’t bare
humping on, humping on the sun.

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Candy: Once again: dudes, if your ladyfriend is acting like the cat from the Pepe LePew cartoons, you either need to change your wooing tactics. Or brush your teeth more often. Probably both.

Sarah: There is something so elegant and sexy about heroines who have no neck.

Except when neckless heroine gets paired with a hero who has a wide, flat ass. Rwor.

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Candy: Awww! Lookit the touch of spare tire on the dude’s middle. I suspect it wouldn’t be there if he didn’t insist on wearing pants that would form a spontaneous tourniquet should he be cut at the waist.

The woman should really watch out for this guy’s hair, too. It looks full of evil intent as well. Seriously. Take a cue from the swans, woman. Animals know, man.

(Wait, swans? By the ocean? What the hell? Are there saltwater swans?)

Sarah: Forget the snark above. Muffin top IS IT for your hero.

All you writers out there, I expect to read about heroines caressing the soft, supple overhang of ab fat above the hero’s tight, soft worn jeans. Got that? Get on it!

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Ann Aguirre says:

    Holy crap, Alan Thicke finished his Growing Pains and wound up posing for romance novel covers.

  2. 2
    Yvonne says:

    Is there anything more sexy than strangled ass meat? I’m just sayin’.

  3. 3
    Najida says:

    Never go with a man who’s hair is purtier than yers.

  4. 4
    Estelle Chauvelin says:

    Who sent a Pierce Brosnan cardboard cut-out to model for Sea Fire?

  5. 5
    Stephanie says:

    Okay, so I misread Sea Fire as Sex Fire, which led to thoughts of “Maybe they should see a doctor about that. Ships have doctors, no?”

    Then I misread Captive Splendors as Captive Sea Odors, because my mind is now stuck on the sea and it would explain her leaning away from Mr. Puffy Blouse, no? Though if he was releasing those odors you’d expect his pants to be more billowy, like his shirt.

    And now you know my secret: when tired, I cannot read.

    I also think it’s sweet of the hero of Night Magic to act as his love’s breast support. Really. I’ve never seen an arm double for underwire like that before.

  6. 6
    AnimeJune says:

    Is it just me, or does the cover to “Night Magic” look like a deleted scene from the film Rat Race – you know, that movie with Rowan Atkinson as the Italian who goes “I’m winning! I’m winning!” only to succumb to his narcolepsy and fall asleep standing up?

    I can just hear him going:
    “Is a race! Is a race! I’m kissing! I’m kiss—zzzz…zzzz…..zzz..”

    Woman: “Um, geese, yeah – you geese. Swans? No, you’re geese. Little help here?”

  7. 7
    Eva Gale says:

    Ack! Ana said it before I did!

  8. 8
    Jennie says:

    What in heavens name is that flying above the boat in Desire in the Sun?  It looks like some alien time travel vessel.

  9. 9
    Teddy Pig says:

    Not much to say
    I’m humping my days away, away
    And if she gives me crabs, she’ll pay
    God not another hump today
    Did I mention I’m gay

  10. 10

    OMG, is the Sea Fire guy Janitor from Scrubs?

    Seriously.

  11. 11
    Ann Aguirre says:

    Eva, I never thought I’d see Alan wearing a red sash.

  12. 12

    Maybe the swans will bite them on the ass.

    Y’know, an enraged swan can kill a person.  We can only hope.

  13. 13
    Jeri says:

    Sea Fire wench doesn’t have man hands.  She has Golem hands.  She’s eyeing his left nipple with a distinct “myyyy prrrecious…” look.

    And shouldn’t they be drowning from that perspective?  Unless instead of the sea, they’re actually standing in front of the Ship Exhibit at the local aquarium (which replaced the sea lions after they died to make that toupee).

  14. 14

    Never go with a man who’s hair is purtier than yers.

    But those are the types of guys I like. I’m not going out with some buzzcut brushhead just because greasy mullets and man perms grace the covers of romance novels.

  15. 15
    Amy E says:

    Dude, the Sea Fire guy is totally Simon from American Idol!  I don’t even watch TV and I can tell it’s Simon.  And that’s not his heroine—it’s a hopeful contestant.  “Please, Simon, if I blow you real good, you’ll give me a good grade, right?  It’s all about the throat lubrication!”

    And God’s walloping case of jaundice, followed by humping on the sun?  Made me laugh until it fucking HURT.  You bitches rock.

  16. 16
    Soni says:

    Is it just me, or is Night Magic man lustily eying a recently drowned party-goer he just found lying beached on the high tide line?

  17. 17
    Catherine J. says:

    Why are they all eating each others’ necks? These covers seem to be taken from instruction manuals for the special-education vampire class. “See John sniff neck. See neck smells good. Good neck is good food. See John bite. See John tear Jane’s nightgown.”

  18. 18
    Charlene says:

    Isn’t the guy in “Night Magic” Wayne Newton?

  19. 19

    Nothing says romance like two swans doing it. 

    It goes hand in hand with that cover where the kangaroos are watching the hero and heroine totally going for it.

  20. 20
    Valerie says:

    By Gawd the man in Night Magic borrowed his wife’s MOMMY JEANS!

  21. 21
    Annie says:

    Amy E, you are spot on. That is Simon with his moobs in full glory.

  22. 22
    Stella says:

    Yes, yes there are saltwater swans. Or no, there are not saltwater swans as in a special species of swans.

    I’d go for the cabin boy, and pray to god he was a woman in disguise…

  23. 23
    amy lane says:

    Thanks, both of you, I’m going to have “Humping on the sun” riding through my brain for the next 1000 freaking years.  And you know what?  I LIKE ab fat… love handles ARE lovely.  A man that’s all edges is hard to hold tightly…

  24. 24
    maggie says:

    I love the song.
    I want to play.

    Tiny birds stay thy flight
    Humping on the sun.
    Because I fear thee will ignite
    Humping on the sun.

  25. 25
    Gina says:

    Ditto on Simon Cowell on Sea Fire. It’s very disturbing.

  26. 26
    Abi says:

    On Night Magic, I can’t believe no one pointed out that girl’s crazy prostitute make-up. Sorry, prostitutes. Plus, he’s totally copping a weird and uncomfortable looking under-boob feel.

    On Sea Fire, I think they look like a tacky Antonio Banderas and the girl from Airplane.

  27. 27
    Amy E says:

    Some… may say
    It’ll fry my skin away
    Okay
    The peeling’s the price I pay
    Some say…
    Bumping uglies ain’t worth this pain
    No way
    You may as well splay

    (Humping On The Sun has been stuck in my head for 2 days now.  DAMN YOU!  LMAO!)

  28. 28
    Lou says:

    I’m with Amy E – the first thing I thought was that the Sea Fire “hero” was based on Simon Cowell…which is not something I particularly want to think about too much…

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