Once again, thanks to Lady Rhian for bringing on the noise, bringing on the WHAT THE FUCK.
Candy: DAMN! Homegirl’s not just treating herself to the standard hookers-and-blow combination—it looks like she got herself a kinky twin hooker thing.
Look, honey, just because you have as much money as Paris Hilton doesn’t mean you have to throw as much cock at your hoo-hoo.
Sarah: Ooh, she may be horny.
And them rich girls they do get horny
wearing those same old starchy pants
but when they get horny
[you gotta] give it to her in the ass.
You know she’s waiting
just anticipating
the thing that she’ll never, never possess, no no
but while she’s amorous
go to her and try just a little bit
of anal sex.
Candy: …are you kidding me? Look, he’s awful pretty, and I wouldn’t throw him out for eating crackers in my bed, but that picturesque pout and carefully groomed hair? About as convincingly barbaric as my left armpit.
Sarah: The only thing barbaric about that guy is his standard excuse when dumping a girl: “It’s not you, it’s me.” What a weenus.
Candy: If by “conquest,” you mean “overzealous with the motion blur tool in Photoshop”…..
Sarah: Is this the next big thing after time travel and NASCAR romance – Quantum Leap romance?
Candy: Nine months later, The Baby Contract was fulfilled when a hiker stumbled across her broken, bloodied body in a remote part of the canyon. Hey, pregnant lady snuff porn: what’s not to love?
Sarah: She’s too dumb to know it’s a “contraction” not a “contract.” He’s too dumb to recognize he’s a waiter, not an ob/gyn. This is clearly a pair that is far, far short of “super” and closer to “stupid.”
By God, that wussy excuse for a metro-barbarian is HOT
“Weenus” OMFG! I thank you. I may retire one of my favorite mad words “wiener” and trade up for this. I wonder what the husband will do when I tell him to “quit acting like a weenus.” BTW, “weenus” is a fun word to spell check.
I think the boy toys in “Amorous Heiress” are more interested some homo-fraternal-celebrating.
“Barbarian” Hmm, yes, that very well could be the defining picture of oxy-moron.
“Conquest” It just goes to show you, Emos need love too.
“Baby” WTF is up with that little “9 months later” logo? As in, according to the baby contract, 9 months later, mommy and her masseuse will actually go from tender embrace to hot post-natal action? Giggety-giggety.
Yeah, but it looks like our barbarian is suffering from tough headache pain. Or constipation.
Valerie, I totally agree. He’s not a barbarian but put him in a good suit and he’s the hawtness.
PS I don’t think that’s constipation. I think he’s chagrined at being cast as a barbarian. He’s all, “Look at me. Do I look like a barbarian? I should be wearing Hugo Boss!”
Those are the covers that make me cringe when I’m browsing in the used paperback section of Goodwill.
And yeah, the Barbarian is doable cute.
Methinks the conquest involved lethal amounts of fart gas.
Note to heroine: run away if you can—if it looks this rank now, just imagine when you get to the “he pulls the covers over your head and farts” stage of the relationship.
That pretty boy cover looks like one of those Alton Brown “view from the oven” shots. This is probably the view from his medicine cabinet as he searches desperately for something, anything, (oh god, is that an enema back behind the midol??) to relieve his constipation.
multiple comments and nothing mentioned of sarah’s brilliant revisioning of otis redding?
genius.
seriously.
also, i have this weird vision in my head of the scene from bull durham in the back of the bus. “women don’t get woolly, they get weary. . .”
Sarah, you made this Pesach just a bit better with a little Anal Redding. Thank you so much.
Valerie, that “barbarian” is totally doable, especially with the way my hormones are currently pinging around.
If that woman is just into her pregnancy, nine months later she’s going to pop out a three-year-old!
The Barbarian looks like a Human/Klingon cross-breed ala star trek: http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/4196/voyper07.jpg
“She’s a rich girl and she’s going too far but you know it don’t matter any way. She can rely on the old man’s money, she can rely on the old man’s money.”
The Barbarian reminds me of Corey Feldman… EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
I’m sorry, but you just know there’s a mullet lurking in the shadows of The Barbarian. That’s why he looks all sulky, he’s terrified they might turn up the lights and reveal his shame . . .
Cherif Fortin! Oh holy handgranade batman!
don’t tell any one but I have an autograghed copy of Passions Blood.
I’m going to have to agree with Mama Nice on the Amorous Heiress cover – they’re clearly looking at each other, not at the un-cocked individual sandwiched between them.
I mean, lady, props to you for attempting a gender-reversal of the “Twins are Hotter” stereotype, but seriously – in about two minutes you’re going to have to deal with some George R. R. Martin-style twincest.
I think the better title for Judith E. French’s book would be Madam, You Seem to Have Misplaced Your Sword . The plot would follow these lines: “Gloriana of the Golden Shield is having a bad day. First, her no-good ex-husband betrays her Barbarian troops, she breaks a heel on one of her favourite boots, and then she has to go and lose her sword! Can Tarian the soulful, clean-shaven horseboy ever hope to win her heart with his gorgeous eyes and wounded soul, AND introduce her to the joys of Christianity and hygiene at the same time?”
Conquest Bride: Knight – “Is it raining?”
Bride: “NOOO! I’m melting – meeeelting! What a world….what a world…”
Baby Contract: Doctor – “Wow, if you tilt your neck just that way I can see all the way down to your uterus! Congratulations – you’re having a boy!”
Oh my! I think I used to own _The Baby Contract_.
Conquest Bride? Squicky!! Those two have GOT to be siblings. They have the same unconscious-stupor face and damn near the same hair.
And you all know my husband came home singing about how women are wooly. Heh.
Glad you liked it!
No one’s mentioned the tag line on The Baby Contract:
“Exciting. Moving.
A page-turner.
by the author of Aspen.”
That’s some killer shit. They just don’t write copy like that anymore.
When did Harlequin start doing menage romance with twincest, then? I’m sure that the last time anyone from this side of the genre checked, they were still saying “no manlove”…
That first one looks like what a threesome/multiple partner romance would look like if it was socially acceptable.
The Barbarian doesn’t look very barbaric but he is hot. Bad casting choice for that cover. Like you say, put him in a suit, or better yet – jeans and a t-shirt (he could be the sullen bad boy).
Candy and Sarah – Between the two of you, neither felt the obvious hand placement of the barbarian was worth a mention? For shame.
You know what I just realized?
The date for this posting is the 4th, a Wednesday. But the headline underneath says, “If it’s TUESDAY, there must be cover snark.”
/that is all.
AnimeJune – “twincest” ha-ha! My vocabulary grows in leaps and bounds thanks to this site.
And, “Madam, You Seem to Have Misplaced Your Sword” oh my, the creative juices were flowing, huh?
My word? “shot42” yeah, these covers do drive me to drink.
Wow. The Barbarian looks like John Stamos.
Stamos the Barbarian.
And everyone is so wrapped up in the Love & Laughter gayness that they miss a crucial component of the cover horror: what is up with her lower leg? Either her crotch is on her hip and she’s twisted at a weird ankle, or one of them is just a stump below the knee.
In any case, thanks for ruining Otis Redding for me. Everytime I hear that song now, I’ll be singing “Try a bit of anal sex.” ^_^
The Barbarian has chest hair. Can’t you see that makes him manly and tough? His chest hair proves that he can rape and pillage with the best of them.
All the chest hair proves is he cannot afford razors after he quit working at the flea market to do modeling full time.
“All the chest hair proves is he cannot afford razors after he quit working at the flea market to do modeling full time. “
BWAhahahahaha!
“in about two minutes you’re going to have to deal with some George R. R. Martin-style twincest.”
wow, you know I had nightmares about that scene in book one(I never read the rest). *shivers*
And I even tried messing with The Barbarian cover in MS Paint and nothing I did made him look even remotely like a barbarian.
It’s time for Smart Bitches: The Soundtrack. Hie thyselves to yonder recording studio and breathe life into these little gems.
Am I the only one that got a big giggle out of the comment, “If by “conquest,†you mean “overzealous with the motion blur tool in Photoshop ..”?? I need to get out more…
I totally snorted out loud when I read that, too. Candy has cornered the market on Photoshop humor, and oh, it is so very very good.
Oh – and the “Tuesday ergo Cover Snark” appearing on Wednesday was completely my fault. I was away Tuesday for Passover and didn’t have consistent internet access for cover snarkage (can you imagine!?) so I didn’t post until Wednesday.
That weenus can live at my house if nobody else wants him.
I agree that the weenie barbarian would be hot if he didn’t look as if he were about to cry. That boy belongs in a sappy music video. Put him on a beach and have some wail “I’ll die without you” semi-musically, and you’ve got a hit on your hands. Millions of teenage girls all over the US will have their first kiss to that song on prom dance floors.
Which is my way of saying that I could never find him hot as long as he has that expression. A guy has to be Viggo to pull off “tortured yearning.”
And is it my bad screen-glare, or is the guy on Conquest Bride the less-attractive younger brother of David Wenham? The unknown third brother, Gasomir.
I’m pretty sure that my left armpit is much more barbarous than the barbarian.
I loved the Otis Redding rewrite. I need to share that…
Mr. Conquest is The Artist Formerly Known as Keanu Reeves in a Pouffy Blonde Wig.
An errant knight who finds love while dabbling with ancient physics and accidentally upsetting the balance of the spacetime continuum, not to mention milady’s nether regions?
…Yeah, he’d star in that.
If you’re after pouts (and I’m surprised nobody has mentioned this one before), try Daniel Craig on the “Casino Royale” poster. He is sooooooo pouty, his upper lip resembles an arrow, so pointy it is.
He looks okay from a distance but, up close, it’s….funny.
The Barbarian looks like he should be the “It broke” “What if we just cuddle?” guy in the opening sequence of Jeffrey.
Actually he looks more like Colin Farrell if he actually shaved the facial hair and those monster eyebrows.
Sarah, were you Catholic, I would make you recite ten Hail Marys and four Our Fathers and not go near meat, of any kind, for three months. You have maligned St. Otis of Redding and virtually dropped a deuce on the Sacred Heart of R&B.
Sister Mary Wryhag, weeping
That’s, not LET YOU go near meat. I’m faultless in this matter.