Here, have some babies. And some zombies.

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Candy: Reproduction, the Rube Goldberg way! First, place the heroine on a long slide, legs spread at a specific angle, where a series of dildos diddle her as she slides down until she lands on a harness at the bottom. Then a series of ball bearings fall down a spiral slide, landing onto a scale, where the counterweight-triggered flame-thrower activates and burns away the rope that was holding a bowling ball, which then rockets down a precisely lubricated chute and thumps down behind a chicken, which is startled into laying an egg. This egg drops onto the handle of a precisely-balanced knife, causing it to cut through the string that was holding a catapult in place, wherein lies our Proud Hero with an Even Prouder Erection, and the catapult hurtles him through the air, whereupon he lands with near-surgical precision in the heroine’s hoo-hoo (which is, of course, Magical) and ejaculates.

See? Easy peasy.

(Credit to Lady Rhian for digging this cover up for us. Oh man.)

Sarah: Oh take a letter Maria
Here’s how babies get made.
I gotta use a dry-erase board,
Cause you’re a crappy lay.
You’re too dumb to use the laptop
and I can barely make a dent.
When we called it ‘family business,’
this isn’t what I meant.

And who is this bozo who labels a pacifier as a “luxury item?” Yeah, if you count a few moments of peace by soothing the baby a “luxury.”

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Candy: I saw the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead on Sunday, and all I can think of when I see this cover is “I can smell your spicy brains.” Except I’m not sure who’s thinking that—the zombie cowboy, or the zombie baby.

Sarah: It takes three cowboys to make one baby? Like hell it does. Unless something is going on in Colorado that I don’t know about.

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Candy: I’m not sure what’s more terrifying: the terrible frosted bangs on the cop, or the weird NAMBLA-Village People-fetishy air of the cover in general.

Sarah: The Badge, the Baby… the gay burlesque cover model, the impossibly small shortall and the scared looking toddler. Yeah, I’d be scared of that man, too. He looks manic and altogether far too attached to Sun-In and hair product. That baby is cute and pulling at my heart strings – but not in a “Oh, how romantic” kind of way. More in a “Kick that man in the nutsack, grab the baby and run” kind of way.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Kalen Hughes says:

    I’m not sure what’s more terrifying: the terrible frosted bangs on the cop, or the weird NAMBLA-Village People-fetishy air of the cover in general.

    I *heart* Candy!

  2. 2
    Nora Roberts says:

    The guy in the first cover should never breed. Ever. He is obviously a Stepford Wife with a penis.

    The baby in the second has scary eyes, the kind of eyes that means he has really sharp teeth in there and not a sweet, gummy smile. The cowboy is doomed.

    If the baby in the third cover stole that hat from streaked and styled guy, he needs to give it back. Right now. Then crawl away really fast.

  3. 3
    kate r says:

    thank you, bitches. I consider this a gift and it’s the best I’ve gotten since. . .  Oh. Since I got those chocolate eggs three days ago.

    Hey lookie there—Alison Kent! How come I didn’t find that one when I went to buy her back list?

  4. 4
    Chicklet says:

    I’m not sure what’s more terrifying: the terrible frosted bangs on the cop, or the weird NAMBLA-Village People-fetishy air of the cover in general.

    *iz ded*

    Here, have some babies. And some zombies.

    Wait, they aren’t the same thing?

  5. 5
    Teddy Pig says:

    Procreation PowerPoint presentations and cowboy fatherhood team building…

    Yeah sounds like an HR problem here. What is their number again?

    Must be Tuesday.

  6. 6
    Charlene says:

    The guy on The Baby Deal looks creepily like this local criminal defense lawyer whose ads say things like “DRUNK? WE CAN HANDLE THAT.”

    It’s about one step up from putting noted netkook Ed Conrad on a romance cover.

  7. 7
    Wry Hag says:

    This is some scary stuff.  That child on the Cowboys cover is WAY too young to be grabbing at man-titty.  (Notice, too, how the cowboy is hiding his face…as if he knows MSNBC could be galloping up at any minute.)

    And that last cover…I don’t know if it’s just my monitor, but that kid looks like it’s sporting an Afro and brandishing a handgun.  So now I have this image of a skinny “pretend daddy” being held hostage by a gang of diapered thugs/ideologues who are making him smile for the camera while they shit on the back of his neck.  (Is Patty Hearst in the background somewhere?  Is she the mom?)  Or is it a Middle Eastern terrorist thing?  An American soldier or British sailor with an Iranian gun-brandishing, full-diaper baby on his neck who’s crapping on and constricting his spine to make him smile for the camera? 

    Listen…I don’t need any more drug-induced flashbacks.  So stop fucking with my mind.

  8. 8
    Jeri says:

    Ow! OW!!  O-motherfucking-W!  These covers just short-circuited my snark synapses.  But I just had to say, Candy, your Rube Goldberg riff was a work of art.

  9. 9
    Ann says:

    WH—the baby is wearing the cop’s hat, and there’s no gun. I’m afraid you do need a new monitor!

  10. 10
    Kalen Hughes says:

    Except now that she’s said it, I CAN see the afro and the gun. LOL!

  11. 11
    Nicole says:

    Kate, dunno how you didn’t find it.  I just picked it up the other week.  :-)  Yes, in person, the cover is still just as pathetic.  But it’s Alison Kent, so I will keep it.

  12. 12
    Anji says:

    Oh, and on the first cover, the drawing is done in baby pink and baby blue. Subtle, really subtle.

    And she really needs to take notes????

  13. 13
    Chris says:

    #1 How dumb are these people?

    #2 I don’t know why but the first thing I thought was, “I think a Dingo ate your baby.” But no the Aussie cowboy kidnapped him.

    #3 “Dude, get me away from this guy. I do NOT want to wear this hat.”

  14. 14
    Angel says:

    But I just had to say, Candy, your Rube Goldberg riff was a work of art.

    I’m with Jeri on this; that was freaking awesome.

  15. 15
    Deep Dickens for Esther says:

    Thanks for the zombie cover…very appropriate right on the heels of the comemoration of Jesus rising from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living…I mean save us all from going to hell. But not me; clearly I am going straight to hell.

  16. 16
    Jackie L. says:

    I know a lot of ranchers in Colorado (we only call them cowboys behind their backs) and none of them would ever, ever be caught dead holding a baby or in that outfit.

  17. 17
    eggs says:

    Sad to see the two idiots on cover #1 don’t even consider the possibility of breastfeeding their baby.  Draw some boobies on that whiteboard!

  18. 18
    LadyRhian says:

    As I said in my snark to Sarah, the guy is going, “No, this is *really* how babies are made. I used to be a doctor. Trust me!”

    That one incited my gag reflex, let me tell you. And as for the rest, the “babies and men” covers make me want to grab all the babies on the planet up and hide them so that these horrendous covers will no longer exist.

  19. 19
    MeggieMacGroovie says:

    OMG, they republished The Baby Deal! New cover over on Amazon. I also noticed the bottle, not boobie, on the whiteboard. Breastmilk, being free, would surely allow him to move a pacifier off of the luxury list. Business man my ass….someone isn’t looking at the bottom line there.

    The demon baby is really starting to freak me out..seriously.

    The only comment I am making on the third book..hey, the guy has hair on his chest!

  20. 20
    Najida says:

    OK,
    I’m twisted——
    First book cover is goofy stupid (and yes, the Rube Goldberg take was perfect).

    And the third was very, erm, “this man shouldn’t be near children” feeling.

    The second, however…dang, that cowboy is CUTE!  Granted, that super-fair baby better look like it’s Mama, cuz it sure has heck ain’t his.  However, I wouldn’t mind having cuddle me like that.

    (I’m easy—so sue me ;) )

  21. 21
    Alison Kent says:

    But it’s Alison Kent, so I will keep it.

    Awww, thankies Nicole and kate r.

    Yes, chest hair.  And a near concave chest with no discernible man titty (but for a nipple) at that!

  22. 22
    Wholahey Brown says:

    Is anyone else bothered by the ass-flap on that yellow sleeper in the third cover?  I have dressed a lot of babies in my day, but never seen a crotch like that one on a baby outfit.

  23. 23
    Kaite says:

    #1-They make me think of a sheltered, religiously fundamentalist couple on the evening of their second week of marriage, trying to figure out how to make a baby because prayer and dedicated hand-holding isn’t working. Surely it has something to do with spreadsheets and money, because dealing with the naughty pee-pee bits means you go straight to Hell.

    #2-Oooh. Cowboy Dad there can cuddle me, too, but that baby’s eyebrows have been too stringently plucked. Terminal surprise is not an attractive look, no matter what your age (at least I’m assuming the child has dark eyebrows that are plucked into really high, thin arches, otherwise the poor child has deforming facial ridges and needs a plastic surgeon.)

    #3-What. The. Fuck. The badly drawn baby clothes are only part of the reason for that absolutely terrified expression on the poor kid’s face—the fact that he’s about to fall backwards off Daddy’s shoulders because Daddy is too busy flirting with the camera boy to properly balance him is another.

    All in all, good bunch! In a manner of speaking, that is. ;-)

  24. 24
    Kerry says:

    #1—How Engineers Reproduce.

  25. 25
    Kimber says:

    The guy in cover 3 reminds me of Andy Garcia. And I can never think of Andy Garcia without remembering him in “Dead Again,” desperately sucking on a cigarette through his tracheotomy hole. Genius!

  26. 26
    --E says:

    Am I the only one semi-obsessed with the guy’s nipple on the cover of Bachelors & Babies? I try not to look, but it’s silhouetted there, and I can’t help but notice it, a break in the straight line that is his underdeveloped chest. It’s like when someone has a gigantic, painful-looking zit on their face, and you can’t look at them or you will not be able to stop yourself from reaching out and popping the thing.

    I don’t wanna look! You can’t make me!

    Crap. I looked again. That is just wrong.

    wordver: support53. Yes, I need 53 people to support me while I swoon in horror right now.

  27. 27
    Kalen Hughes says:

    I just can’t get over the slightly excited and cheesy expression of the dude on cover #1. Gives me the willies.

  28. 28
    KS Augustin says:

    No Kimber, not Andy Garcia. Jon Stewart! Right down to that little paunch. Awwwwwww…
    Verification word: bad! Yes, bad KS!! :)

  29. 29
    Yvonne says:

    If the Cowboy Dad on cover #2 was a zombie, would he have to do whatever I command?

  30. 30
    Jessie says:

    You know, I’ve *read* “The Baby Deal.” And I had the same WTF expression every time I looked at the cover. Heck, it’s probably in my “to donate” box. *goes to see* Found it!

    I always wanted to know *why* anyone needed to draw a diagram on how to make a baby. If he can’t figure that lesson out, he’s got bigger issues. Of course, having read the book, he’s gotta a lot of problems, and that’s the least of them.

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