This week’s cover snark brought to you by Insanely Rich Dead White Broads Who Liked Feather Boas a WHOLE LOT. That’s right, bitches! Barbara Cartland time! Thanks to the fabulous and immaculately-groomed Lady Rhian for providing us with these covers.
Candy: Wow, Cartland wrote sexploitation novels about pimps and hookers. Who knew?
Also, what would the Regency equivalent of “Bitch, where my money?” be? “Harlot, render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s”? Post your guesses in the comments.
(Side note: Connie Brockway wrote a review of this book for AAR a while back.)
Sarah: I’d suggest, “Lud, wench. Hand me my blunt from the depths of your chemise.”
And really, is it my fault that I’m picturing a re-release of this title with the cover from Eyes of the Leopard: Vengeance? Loathsome, indeed. Except completely AWESOME.
Candy: Very Naughty Angels…wear lederhosen. Because apparently, they’re Satanic. Note to Lucifer: demons who look like they’re named Engelbert or Hans aren’t particularly terrifying.
Also, dude, is that chick a centaur in disguise? Seriously, look at that red skirt. Either that, or her ass is so big that its gravity is warping space-time and bending light in really wacky ways. Which: respek. My ass is big, but it’s not nearly big enough to create a gravity lensing effect.
Sarah: High on a hill Mr. Leiderhosen
Lay ee ode lay ee ode lay hee hoo
Put a red dress on a goat he’d chosen
Lay ee ode lay ee ode-oo
A Barbie on top made her look amazing
Lay ee ode lay ee ode lay hee hoo
But that big red ass is what he’s chasing
Lay ee ode lay ee ode-oo
Candy: I will quash all temptation to make jokes about RITA committees and this book’s title.
QUASH THEM, YOU HEAR ME?
I will, instead, make a tasteless joke about how “love” for this dude seems to involve forcing chicks with puffy hair into giving him humjobs. I suppose it makes for a spiffier title, since “Vote for Coerced Cocksucking” doesn’t have quite the same romantic ring.
Sarah: I vote for feeding the pastel wench, for the Love of God, because Mr. “I’m on my Lunch Break wearing These Pants?!” Cover Model is having to hold her up – badly – while she wastes away. Either that, or he’s going to use her as a Swiffer once she loses consciousness. That place is a mess.
Oh man, that song… ROFLMAO! Damn, now it’s going to be stuck in my head all day—kind of like that stupid butt song.
vote for love?
I vote for giving that poor girl a talk about eating disorders. She’ll have brittle bones by the time she hits 25.
I shall now make the deeply embarressing confession that I believe I may actually have _read_ ‘A Very Naughty Angel’ sometime in the dim and distant past.
*ashamed nervous shuffling*
I do know that I learned from that experience, or a least a similar interchangable one with a different title and possibly less lederhosen, that heroines…
…are…required to…always…speak…with…many…elispses…
…between……almost…all…their words.
It’s due to the compulsary William ‘Must…RESIST…’ Shatner impersonation they all have to do to attract the hero, don’t you see?
I believe the Loathsome Leopard is saying: “Hand over the money, trollop. And don’t even think of being a saucebox, you strumpet.”
Oooooooo, nothing sexier than Lederhosen and drindels. *roll eyes* WTF is going on with that cover?
Thank you, SBs. We needed this after all that RITA intensity.
And thank you also for posting the link to Connie’s review. I…loved it.
Love the new lyrics! Is it just me or does Mr. Lederhosen’s left knee look dislocated? Maybe she is carrying a weight handicap so he can keep up!?
“Vote for Coerced Cocksucking” has to be an indie band name. Somewhere. It must.
What does it say about me that I comment on the covers but deliberately avoid the 8,198 RITA comments?
If the lederhosen cover wasn’t enough of a guffaw for me, the I luv goat-sex yodel pushed me over the edge into insane cackling. To tell the truth, you each spelled that ridiculous outfit differently, and, of course, I had to check – according to Wikipedia, “Lederhosen have remained regionally popular and are commonly associated with virility and brawn. They have remained a symbol of regional pride. Their role in Bavaria is thus comparable to that of the kilt in Scotland.” Man, I’m sorry, while I love a good kilt, men in short pants just don’t do it for me…maybe she was ahead of her time, and the next romance fad will be strapping men in lederhosen, their Bulging Bavarian man-boobies set off to advantage by the snug fit of their suspenders.
As to Lord Leopard, at first I thought the chick was showing some typical cover-cleavage, then realized it was the crook of her elbow exposed beneath the Lord’s arm – anyone else make that mistake? As for Pimpmaster L.L., he be tellin’ her: “You may wipe that blank look of innocence off your face, m’dear. The Mallory brothers have told me of the delights you provided, and I know they pay quite handsomely.”
I do know that I learned from that experience, or a least a similar interchangable one with a different title and possibly less lederhosen, that heroines…
…are…required to…always…speak…with…many…elispses…
…between……almost…all…their words.
Here I just thought her heroines were all asthmatic!
The tacky Lady Babs used to dictate three novels at once. The ellipses were put in by her three secretaries during the pauses when she was doing another novel. Haven’t thought about Barbara Cartland since Lady Di passed away. And guess I blocked the covers out of my mind.
Either that, or he’s going to use her as a Swiffer once she loses consciousness. That place is a mess.
Losing consciousness. Laughed so hard blood drained from head. Just one question, though: will he have to wait for rigor mortis or will he carry on his house-husband duties with a bendy Swiffer? Just right for all those tight spots, but still.
And as for the lederhosen? So. Not. Sexy. But the goat yodel song? I will not ever be able to watch Sound Of Music again. It’s even better than the “High on some crack was the lonely goatherd…” the DHM sings every once in a while.
I’ve been reading this site too long. When I saw the humongous dirndl skirt on “A Very Naughty Angel,” my immediate thought was “Wow, that’s one Savage Thunder.”
As for “A Vote for Love,” it looks like the fan-art section for someone who runs a Mrs. Jetson/Count Dracula website.
Miss Dirndl and Mr. Lederhosen look like Hänsel and Gretel who have now reached puberty, but still get lost in the woods. With (mad Ludwig’s) Castle Neuschwanstein in the background.
Huh?
A Very Naughty Angel should be titled A Most Bodacious Badonkadonk.
And that’s where I’m gonna quit. I loved Barbara Cartlands! Damn. Guess I shouldn’t have admitted that.
High on her ass is a lonely goatherd…
AHHHHH! CARTLAND….I…find….them…….so…amazing.
I said to myself breathlessly, much like a cartland heroine. I am quite glad you have pointed out the sheer monstrosity of zombies and gaunt men. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I am quite new here, but you have won me over.
Is that Carol Channing on the “vote for love” cover?
A Very Naughty Angel: Poor Heidi. Things just haven’t been good for her since leaving Grandpa.
Is that really true about how she was writing multiple books at once, hence the dots? How did she not get confused by the names? Do please offer infohmation!
At the time she was churning out (er, writing) her romances, the fact that she dictated three novels at a time was leaked (er, announced) to show what a sheer, utter genius she was. Now I am an unabashed, utter rabid fan old fart (er, girl), but I laughed my ass off when I read that. Barbara Cartland a genius! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, er oh well. Supposedly true story however, put out by people who were tired of everybody laughing at her.
Oh, man. I think I just herniated myself laughing at that song.
(wiping eyes) I’ll never see the marionettes in The Sound of Music quite the same way again. That was a nice follow-up to How do you Solve a Problem like the Ritas, btw.
heroines…are…required to…always…speak…with…
many…ellipses…between……almost…all…their words.
LOL! The puzzle of Captain Kirk’s halting speech is finally solved—he was a Cartland fan.
Yeegads, who came up with Laderhosen? A beanie with a propeller on it would be more sexy. Short pants AND suspenders. Rowl, stud muffin.
And leave Audrey Hepburn alone… it’s not her fault she’s getting kneed in the liver by Ichabod Crane wearing clown pants. And she’s clearly emaciated due to the fact that Ichabod keeps dropping cigars onto the torn out pages of her “Joy of Cooking” cookbook while filling up her study with choking brown smoke. It’s clearly given her the vapors.
Here’s the thing: SHE is The Loathsome Leopard. A female were-leopard. Just look at the EYES! He’s packing a silver bullet in that pistol, but she’s putting the whammy on him with those EYES. Soon he’ll be helpless and she’ll take him back to her den, and then God only knows.
Gods, Nora, that would make a totally kick-ass book! You should write it. 😉
Actually, it would be funny to see what would be produced if people started plotting the books to match some of these hideous book covers. Is it bad to say I’d read more of them if they did?
oh my gawd. Just checked out BarbaraCartland.com. When she died she had 160 unpublished books. Considering that she had some mystic leanings I wonder if she will start dictating from the afterworld.
All joking aside, I was impressed she had herself buried in a cardboard coffin.
Stoppit. You’re. Killing. Me!
Yodel-odel-ee!
Ouch, you guys got me good this time. I actually collect these books just for their covers. I don’t like to admit that I have read them all, but here is something these covers have going for them; every last one of them matches a scene in a story, I mean down to the clothing being worn, hair color, etc. I won’t tell you BC books aren’t bad bad bad. Oh they are, but you must admit it is impressive that the art synches so perfectly with the novels. So many of them will be showing a couple fleeing from a fire, or some kinda action, and I guarantee that is a scene from the book. I think that is extremely cool, ntm exactly the opposite of what we make fun of all the time in covers (blond hair? she’s a redhead for gods sake!) I’ve also made quite a bit of art from these covers (collecting the set has given me a surplus let me tell you) including my husbands valentines card this year. One of the things I do like about BC novels are the clothes, the woman looooved to dress up her heroines, and she didn’t stint on the clothing descriptions,the covers always are exactly true to what is described. My favorite ones are from the books where they took a trip to the famous Worth and of course it was shopping spree time ala pretty woman or something, and inevitably, one of these dresses would be in a cover shot, very faithfully rendered. I actually tried to find out who the artist was a few years ago with no success.
So yes, lederhosen almost always funny, I can’t argue with that, but I can guarantee that it was appropriate garb for the place/time because that was one thing she was mega into.
Loathsome Leopard?! Uh? That’s supposed to be sexy? Since when the villain is part of the title?
There’s something seriously wrong with me. I suddenly have the almost overwhelming urge to start collecting these . . .
I always knew there was something wrong with me, but to have it so unceremoniously confirmed! Ouch again. 🙂
Man, I’m sorry, while I love a good kilt, men in short pants just don’t do it for me …
It’s not so much the short pants, I think, as the fricking safety harness at the top that makes them look ri-goddamned-diculous.
Like, do lederhosen just fall off all the time? Harness on your shorts = having your mittens tied to your jacket, or footies on your pajamas so you don’t kick off your socks overnight.
He’s probably got sock garters under the cuffs of those legwarmers he’s wearing too.
Judging from the cover, I think a more appropiate title for “A Very Naughty Angel” would be “Escape From The Bavarian Inn.” They look like waiters.
Or maybe it’s the German poster for Logan’s Run.
No, no, lederhosen are teh sexy! I mean, dude’s got so much hot, throbbing mantitty action that he has to STRAP IT DOWN. How can that not get your motor running?
And now I can’t get that stupid “Baby’s Got Back” song outta my head. *weeping*
The poor, poor woman in VOTE FOR LOVE is probably collapsing on the ground because, it seems, the man supporting her has just ripped her in half at the waist. Look at that girl’s torso! Her hips begin several feet below her stomach! It’s like she’s made of taffy, or something. Yeuch.
They kind of make my eyes go all jittery. Like looking at a watercolor done by a chimpanzee.
re: “Vote for Coerced Cocksuckingâ€
My husband says that he can get behind thats sugesstions…of course, that comment itself could lead to futher ones in bad taste.
-> Also, the word is behind38
No, not Captain Kirk. It’s Christopher Walken.
“Crack, hand over your socket money!”
On Vote for Love … He’s no coercing her into a bj, nor is she hungry, the bitch is an opium smoke addict and he’s trying to perform an intervention! Notice that the room is covered in a haze of smoke, while she looks longingly at the still burning hash pipe. He holds on to her any way he can as she tries to break away and crawl back to her pipe. See how he looks at the hash pipe with condemnation? This is clearly a story of a man trying to win his woman back from a terrible addiction. He wants her to vote yes for love … and just say no to opium!
OK … I’m done now.