You find. You email. You attach. You send. We rub our eyes, and take one for the team. The Smart Bitches present a two-part series of reader-submitted cover madness.
Sarah: You’d think there’s only one obvious joke to be made here, but no. Yes, you cut a hole in the box. Then, put the junk in the box.
But then you go buy a different box because clearly that one is way, way too big. And her g-string? Too, too small. I bet it snaps off and flies across the room like an overextended rubber band.
Candy: A belated Martin Luther King present to the bitchery. Because for every single holiday: a dick in a box. Only instead of backstage at the CMAs, this dude probably makes appearances backstage at the RWA.
(I have a dream—a dream that one day, these covers will no longer sear my eyeballs and make me snort-laugh at work and make people stare at me.)
Sarah: There are so many things going wrong here, it’s like a breathtaking trainwreck of awful. I think this cover has moved me to tears – tears of horror. The facial hair. The absurd necks. The bizarre musculature. The groping efforts to do open heart surgery. And wow. Check out that weapon of mass destruction.
Note: One of my cats is sitting next to me. He took a look at the screen, got up, and turned his back to the computer. There you have it. Cat snark: That sucks.
Special bonus from SB Hubby: That’s the mantittiest mantitty I have ever seen. (I had to inform poor Hubby that I’d seen worse. *whimper*)
Candy: First of all: is it a wee bit nipply out?
Second of all: isn’t it weird that your nipples react to the cold in completely the opposite way from your junk to the cold?
Third of all: I can only congratulate the dude for having junk that reacts in completely the opposite way from everybody else’s junk. Though I’m not ruling out the possibility that he injected a whole bunch of silicone into his jibblies. (WARNING: OH DEAR LORD LINK IS SO NOT SAFE FOR WORK. OR LITTLE CHILDREN. OR ANY EYEBALLS IN GENERAL.)
Fourth of all: I admire the blond dude’s efforts to kill himself by snapping his own neck. But really: it’s a doomed effort. He’d be better off flinging himself off the castle.
Fifth of all: What the fuck is up with the Amish beard there? Because that’s serious, serious bonerdeath right there.
Sarah: You’d think it would be the furry-lovin’ bunny ears on Harvey there that really cocked my brow, but no. Check the font. The Coca-Cola font?! Is this what the ads mean by “The Coke Side of Life?” Bunny-eared corpse-humpers?
Candy: Great. Now I have that Magnetic Fields song stuck in my head.
Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits
Let’s do it all day long
Let abbots, Babbitts and Cabots
Say Mother Nature’s wrong
And when we’ve had a couple of beers
We’ll put on bunny suits
I long to nibble your ears
And do as bunnies do
Not that I mean to malign The Magnetic Fields—Stephen Merritt’s songwriting is infinitely preferable to this cover.
I read the comment before clicking on the silicon-related link, and I’m glad I did. No scarring for me, thanks!
But I liked that youtube link posted by AngieZ.
Mistress Steff…from his comments, it’s probably not functional…so, how does he pee? Do we care?
Thanks Angie Z…too cute!
For those that enjoy trashy novels, please feel free to stop by The Sarcastic Idiocy Forum and LIVE a trashy novel. It’s good for the soul.
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MJ Pearson’s books both have that same “Hercules vs the Amazon Gay Guys” style of cover… I think you posted the previous one, which I fondly reacall as “the crotch-melon cover:” http://www.amazon.com/Price-Temptation-M-J-Pearson/dp/0971708932/sr=1-2/qid=1169134049/ref=sr_1_2/103-9744345-2635836?ie=UTF8&s=books I guess either the author or the publisher likes the cartoony style—I don’t.
One must hope the contents are better than the covers, but the Amazon reviews are mixed.
OMG.
That man! What the hell was he thinking? Injecting silicone into his penis… it’s freakish! Yuck!
What’s he challenging? Really? He has to squat to go to the bathroom because his balls hit the water. Bleah. And other men want to do that?
I could hardly concentrate on the covers after seeing that video. LOL.
i read one of mj pearsons books, look beyond the covers and you’ll find his writing style is good and he creates a pretty good historical gay love story!
this cover posted today cracks me up because its set in pre-steroid injection time period..where’d they get those muscles??
the video of the guy with the sack of potatos in his britches.. ICK!!! whats even ickier is he did it to HIMSELF on PURPOSE!!
I. LOVE. That. Youtube video!!!
But is it man to woman or woman to man? And for all any of us know, what if it’s a very feminine male with a nice ass or a hardbodied chick who’s been working out at the gym and took steroids. And the guy with the rabbit ears pretty much explains itself.
All She Wants—yes, I saw the “Dick In A Box” video…but I saw it when it first aired on SNL (because I actually tape and watch the show, no matter what other people say about the show not being as good as it was in the 1970s. MADtv is good, but it hasn’t been the same since Stephnie Weir left), and Sarah and Candy should have used the first cover on the previous cover snark if either Sarah or Candy wanted to connect the Dick in a Box music video to it. That’s what I call, “topical humor”.
The second one with the male gay couple on it—Why is Wolverine checking some guy for lumps (both chest and genital—breast cancer just doesn’t happen to women, you know)? And why hasn’t anyone mentioned the mysterious third hand on the blond guy’s chest? Oh wait, that’s the blond guy’s hand. Never mind.
I have to say I LOVED Jaid Black’s cover and didn’t think about a “Dick In A Box” but I’m a dirty girl, so who knows.
The mantitty, however, made my eyes burn.
And what’s with the bunny suit? Whew. THAT’S a little strange. Not odd enough to make me run and buy the book though.
I’d like to see one of the gay guys wear those bunny ears. And is the dick-in-a-box any relation to the jack-in-a-box.
Okay, I’m off to tell my husband that from now on, I’m going to challenge the way his penis ought to look.
Okay, just watched the Wonder Dick vid again and I must admit, I’m a bit worried about you girls. Now go on and go have your some regular heterosexual missionary style sex. If that’s not possible, get a cocoa or, better yet, a (ahem) stiff drink.
I have to confess: I was spooked by the comments of horror and revulsion, and showed Hubby the link.
Sarah: “If I click this link, there’s a really ugly penis. The dude did something involving silicone injections. Do you want to watch it?”
Hubby: “No.”
Sarah: “Ok.”
Hubby: “Will you watch it by yourself?”
Sarah: “No.”
Hubby: “Want me to watch it with you?”
Sarah: “No. I’ll be scarred for life.”
So just know that my imagination is treating me to some horrific ideas of what it must be like, but I freely admit. I’m too chicken to do the clickin’.
that giant blob of penisflesh that looked remarkably like a fleshtoned hershey’s kiss, only one that was at the bottom of your purse for an indeterminate period of time so it got all melty and then solid again and you only consider eating it if you’re like, really PMSing and far away from any 7-11.
OMG! ROFL! I seriously have TEARS, Lauren! This is Bulwer-Lytton worthy!
There is one cover/manga artist that draws and illustrates great gay covers. Check our You Higuri
http://www.gomedia-ent.com/higuri/front/
I am with you on MJ Peirson’s book. I read the first one and it was a knockout. This is the kind of book you put another cover on any way to read it on the train in any case. So the cover does not really matter to me. Write more books like these Mr. Peirson!
The Silicone Man’s penis is so deformed, I can hardly even believe it is a penis at all. That and he must have injected his lips with silicone too. YACK!! Did you guys see the way his eyes were like glowing when he was talking about his mass? He reminds me of a jackal…a jackal with a mass of globular flesh betwixt his legs…and bat-shit crazy…*hwarf*
Late to the party, but:
OH MY FUCKING GOD that clip… *bleaches brain*