Those Fish are in the Barrel Again

You find. You email. You attach. You send. We rub our eyes, and take one for the team. The Smart Bitches present a two-part series of reader-submitted cover madness.

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Sarah: You’d think there’s only one obvious joke to be made here, but no. Yes, you cut a hole in the box. Then, put the junk in the box.

But then you go buy a different box because clearly that one is way, way too big. And her g-string? Too, too small. I bet it snaps off and flies across the room like an overextended rubber band.

Candy: A belated Martin Luther King present to the bitchery. Because for every single holiday: a dick in a box. Only instead of backstage at the CMAs, this dude probably makes appearances backstage at the RWA.

(I have a dream—a dream that one day, these covers will no longer sear my eyeballs and make me snort-laugh at work and make people stare at me.)

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Sarah: There are so many things going wrong here, it’s like a breathtaking trainwreck of awful. I think this cover has moved me to tears – tears of horror. The facial hair. The absurd necks. The bizarre musculature. The groping efforts to do open heart surgery. And wow. Check out that weapon of mass destruction.

Poor M.J. Pearson.

Note: One of my cats is sitting next to me. He took a look at the screen, got up, and turned his back to the computer. There you have it. Cat snark: That sucks.

Special bonus from SB Hubby: That’s the mantittiest mantitty I have ever seen.  (I had to inform poor Hubby that I’d seen worse. *whimper*)

Candy: First of all: is it a wee bit nipply out?

Second of all: isn’t it weird that your nipples react to the cold in completely the opposite way from your junk to the cold?

Third of all: I can only congratulate the dude for having junk that reacts in completely the opposite way from everybody else’s junk. Though I’m not ruling out the possibility that he injected a whole bunch of silicone into his jibblies. (WARNING: OH DEAR LORD LINK IS SO NOT SAFE FOR WORK. OR LITTLE CHILDREN. OR ANY EYEBALLS IN GENERAL.)

Fourth of all: I admire the blond dude’s efforts to kill himself by snapping his own neck. But really: it’s a doomed effort. He’d be better off flinging himself off the castle.

Fifth of all: What the fuck is up with the Amish beard there? Because that’s serious, serious bonerdeath right there.

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Sarah: You’d think it would be the furry-lovin’ bunny ears on Harvey there that really cocked my brow, but no. Check the font. The Coca-Cola font?!  Is this what the ads mean by “The Coke Side of Life?” Bunny-eared corpse-humpers?

Candy: Great. Now I have that Magnetic Fields song stuck in my head.

Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits
Let’s do it all day long
Let abbots, Babbitts and Cabots
Say Mother Nature’s wrong
And when we’ve had a couple of beers
We’ll put on bunny suits
I long to nibble your ears
And do as bunnies do

Not that I mean to malign The Magnetic Fields—Stephen Merritt’s songwriting is infinitely preferable to this cover.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Sarah F. says:

    Oh my good god almighty.  Where did you find that clip, Candy?  That was just so so wrong.  The little baby Jesus is weeping right now, along with me.  And that guy’s lips were almost as freaky as his cock!

  2. 2
    shaina says:

    why, oh, why did you post that link? how is that healthy, how is that HUMAN, how is that allowed on the internet, and WHY did i click it?!
    *pukes*
    blehhh.

  3. 3
    Wry Hag says:

    Bitches, if you want your current efforts to be duly noticed and appreciated, do not insert links to previous posts.  I clicked on “Poor M. J. Pearson” and found myself in a Wonderland that rivaled Browning’s film Freaks.  The otherworldly hideousness of those covers was riveting.  I still feel a bit…mesmerized.  Even the Silly Putty Penis and bottom-feeder lips didn’t snap me out of it.

    Shit.  And now I must try to sleep?

  4. 4
    Wry Hag says:

    Now that I’m regaining my senses, I must say I have no objections to that EC cover except…I WISH THE BITCH WOULD GET HER HANDS OUT OF THE WAY SO I COULD GET A FULLER VIEW! 

    I’m tellin’ ya, I’m starting to have serious fantasies about some of the male models on EC/CP books.

  5. 5

    Regarding Mayhem, I knew the local little theater was doing “Harvey”, but I had no idea how it had been updated for the 21st C. 

    Or maybe this is the Off-off-off Broadway gay musical version. Sponsored by Coca-Cola.

    That’s it.  And the half-nude chick?  Not a chick.  Pre-op tranny.  Notice it’s not a full frontal shot.

  6. 6
    Sanachan says:

    I must be learning sense, because as soon as I saw the belt coming undone I clicked the back button with unholy haste. *whew*

    You know what I find most amusing about the first cover? It’s that you can totally see where they Photoshopped out the top of her granny panties to make the g-string effect. The other covers are just too damn scary to comment on.

  7. 7
    ChristineMM says:

    I must say Candy, that I immediately thought of that Magnetic Fields songs as well and I found it oh so disturbing.

    Damn you, now I will associate that song forever with that hideous cover!

  8. 8
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Weren’t we promised, eons ago, that the SBs would do a collection of HOT gay covers? I think we are all owed at least that much after the horrible, horrible silicone man. Shame!

  9. 9
    Myriantha Fatalis says:

    And precisely which one of those two is supposed to be the “Discreet Young Gentleman”?  Wolverine or the one with the mutant testicles?

    Furthermore, how discreet is it to make out in a field … in full view of that castle and your coachman … on the night of a full moon … right next to a freakin’ lantern!

  10. 10
    Marty says:

    ROFL, I do so abhor some of those ebook covers, they are getting better in some publishers like Samhain, but remain worse in others like Changeling Press.

    Oh BTW Mr. Silicone Junk man is just too funny, talk about stranger than fiction.  He’s so way out there he looks normal from another universe.

  11. 11
    J-me says:

    thank you Myriantha.  #2 looks like a fan comic of x-men gone soooooooooo wrong.  Wolverine is supposed to have a thing for teen girls, not boys.

  12. 12
    canadacole says:

    Soooooo glad I’m not the only one who saw Wolverine on that cover….and so, so, speechlessly horrified by sight.  And I totally agree with Myriantha: discreet they are not. 

    At least with the horror of that cover, the others look less horrifying in comparison.

  13. 13
    Lyvvie says:

    Yup yup, I saw “Dick in a box” and smiled big. Good find!

    That poor young feller’s nipple looks all infected. It’s got a big head on it begging to be popped. The hairy one’s obviously trying to avoid the sore at all costs, not even gonna look at it. Nope.

    That link with the cantaloupe penis was priceless. I’m wondering how I missed that show as it was only on channel four! But it was how he went on about he’s proud to have done this to himself because he wants to challenge society to think about how a penis should look and be used. then he goes on to say he can’t pee standing up nor can he have sex with it of any kind. I thought that was the two big fun parts of having a penis??

  14. 14
    Estelle Chauvelin says:

    I think what disturbs me most about Discreet Young Gentleman is that they appear to be made of bronze.  Are we sure the models weren’t actually statuettes on a film award for best gay porn?

    (And my word to verify that I’m human is army82.  I didn’t think the army wanted that cover anywhere near it.)

  15. 15

    Regarding the clip:

    First: My eyes! My eyes! Call me ‘old fashioned’ but I think a penis should resemble…well…a penis.

    Second: I just blogged about the keywords people use when they end up on my blog. The third most used phrase is “perfect penis’ which happens to be the name of the clip. People must be so disappointed when they arrive at my blog and not at the creepiest/weirdest clip I’ve EVAH seen.

  16. 16
    Amanda Young says:

    OMG! I clicked on the link. LMAO. I should have known better. (O_O)

  17. 17
    Emily says:

    *gigglesnorfchoke*

    This is what I get for checking for updates during Religious Studies class.

    *tries to steer brain back to kosher and fails. Fails so bad.*

    …that said, I’m saving the clip to watch when I’m not at risk for having my conservative professor walking by behind me.

  18. 18
    December says:

    I think the discreet young gentleman with the darker hair is a dead ringer for Peter Brady, myself, but I guess that’s just me.

    What I can’t figure out is, what third-grader with no sense of actual anatomy drew those bulges on poor MJ Pearson’s books? It’s like a feedbag or something between their legs. They look like castrati who got to keep their balls.

    And what a coincidence, because I just saw “Dick in a Box” this morning (hey I’m in England and Saturday Night Live is ages behind and shown in the wee hours here.) I almost peed myself!

    As for the freaky bunny man and the dead woman falling off the bed while he stares at her lifeless body…that’s just some crazy shit, there. If you look carefully at his hips, it looks like there is more white there, which leads me to believe he really is a bunnyMAN, like his lower half is bunny. Which is why he’s about to go all necrophile, I guess, because I don’t think even the most strung-out, diseased crack whore on the planet would agree to let a bunnyman into her womanly space (Furonda rocked. Sigh.)

  19. 19
    December says:

    Okay, now, after seeing that link I’ve changed my mind. I would rather let Bunnyman fill me with his tiny babies a million times than let that bald lunatic anywhere near me. And not near me in a sexual way, just near me at all.

  20. 20
    Angela H says:

    Poor MJ Pearson, indeed.  I’ve actually read Discreet Young Genteman and it’s pretty good, horrible cover notwithstanding.

  21. 21
    diamondgirl says:

    o my good mother. Would someone please explain to be how they got such akward looking people on akward poses?
    Holy Shit!!!

  22. 22
    dl says:

    #2.  They both have metalic skin, and Wolverine has werewolf forearms.  Don’t let those gnarly things anywere near your delicate parts blondie.

    Bald video guy…thinks he’s making some kind of statement to the world, dosen’t see how pathetic he is.  Needs serious therapy.

  23. 23
    dl says:

    lovelysalome…while you’r waiting, you might check out LooseID.  PL Nunn has done some good covers for Jet Mykles.

  24. 24
    Helen M says:

    I didn’t think ‘Wolverine’ when I first saw the second cover, but now that it’s been mentioned, I kinda see it…and it’s making nipple guy look a little like Gambit…

  25. 25
    Ann Aguirre says:

    *Cries* I didn’t know Wolverine was gay. There goes my big plan to marry him and have baby badger were-things with titanium spines.

  26. 26
    Carrie Lofty says:

    If you take Wolvie, can I have Remy? Loves me some Cajun… but not if he looks like that.

  27. 27
    Ann Aguirre says:

    Yeah, you can have Remy (though I had a thing for him til Hugh Jackman became Wolverine). I think I just have a thing for Hugh Jackman. I even liked him in Flushed Away, the voice of the snooty British rat. Erm.

    Okay, so I clicked that link and DEAR GOD. I think you just found a method for birth control, right there.

    Show that to teenage girls and tell em that’s what’s in Johnny’s pants, and bam! No more teen pregnancy.

    Oddly enough, his eyes scared me more than his peen, though. He is full out bat-shit, I ate my mom and buried her bones in the basement, crazy.

  28. 28
    Katie says:

    Hunh. I had no idea Cyclops and Wolverine were lovers in the Regency period. No wonder there is so much tension between the two of them now.

  29. 29
    Lauren says:

    I knew I shouldn’t have clicked that link. Now I shall go back to my corner and rock myself into a comatose state so I can forget that giant blob of penisflesh that looked remarkably like a fleshtoned hershey’s kiss, only one that was at the bottom of your purse for an indeterminate period of time so it got all melty and then solid again and you only consider eating it if you’re like, really PMSing and far away from any 7-11.

  30. 30
    karibelle says:

    Holy Crap!!!!!  That link is going to give me nightmares.  Don’t you have to have a medical license to do silicone injections? I wonder if he somehow got his hands on the silicone and gave himself the injections, because any MD who would agree to do that is batshit crazy as well and should NOT be practicing medicine.

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