I finally figured out how to use my scanner without having to scan the image six or seven times and wondering where it went between the scanner and my laptop, and I tackled this project tonight because YALL have GOT to SEE the cover for Lucien’s Fall. SRSLY.
Sarah: What is UP with the gender switcharoo here? He’s got babysoft bronze skin, a rounded jawline, and a ponytail that I’m openly jealous of, with the thick waves and whatall.
But take a look at Madeline, there. Specifically, her neck, her hand, and her hairy, fuzzy knee. She’s a HE. Even Hubby looked at the cover and said, “Dude. She’s got man hands.” She’s a MAN, baby. No wonder he heard music when he looked at her: “It’s Raining Men” was clearly on the playlist.
Candy: Between the man-hands and the slouch, Lucien is sighing from agony, not pleasure.
Also, what’s with the cheap bronzer both of them are using? Lucien, in particular, resembles a rather leathery squash. Pumpkins are for making into pies, not fucking.
Sarah: Just when I think my list of “Cover Poses that Fall Way Short of Sexy” is complete, along comes another to make the top 10. I call this one, “Dr. Mantitte: Obstetrician in Training.”
Candy: This has pretty much all the earmarks of an awful romance novel cover:
1. Mullet? Check
2. Pastels that are so bland, they’re offensive? Check. *hwarf*
3. Girl in bizarre submissive pose? Check.
4. Veins the size of firehoses on the man? Check.
And you’re right, Sarah—dude looks like he’s checking the progress of her pregnancy. “Congratulations, Mrs. Wilkins! Feels like a pair of wonderful twins—and your foetus feels perfectly healthy, too!”
Sarah: This is the back cover of Stephanie Laurens’ Devil’s Bride, which features a heroine named Honoria. Judging by this picture, Honoria has a hellaperm and breath so bad it blows Devil’s 70’s mullet into wild 80’s wings.
Candy: Sarah, Sarah, look! A Jersey perm in Regency England! Whodathunk Aquanet had been invented already?
Jersey perm?! I love it!
Gah…I had one of those perms in high school, complete with the poodle-puff bangs (yanno – the perfectly round frontal puffball bang-style also known as the Klingon Forward Deflector Array).
When the perm was fresh, I looked like I’d been frequenting the local dog-show groomer. When it settled down, I just looked like a Cocker Spaniel with a stick-on brow-bow.
Thus quoth the raving, Nevermore!
LOL! I love your posts on covers.
I have nothing to add except that I absolutely loved Barbara Samuels’ historicals…and I hope she starts writing them again (as she hinted she might).
Oh boy, the first two cover comments had me snarfing giggles. (You know, the sound you make when you desperately try not to giggle out loud and sort of succeed in a wheezy way.)
But the last cover had me bursting into show tunes:
THE PHAAAAAAANTOM of the Opera is THEEEEEERE…inside your mind!
Oy. Lucien’s lady has some serious wart issues. Were I he, and I’m glad I’m not, I’d swat that hand as far from my genitalia as I could. I’d swat it all the way to Oshkosh, by gosh!
Beware, oh trusting Lucien! Your enemies have sent Wilhelmina to take you down…and down you will surely go, once your mansack is freighted with warts the size of kiwi!
I never had the Jersey perm, but I did have the Aqua-Netted Batwing style.
Devil’s Bride is all, “Touch my boob and you pull back a bloody stump, bitch.”
The first couple has nodded off, and I believe he’s snoring like a freight train. Either they’re under an evil spell or they had too much turkey for lunch.
Are the twins her OB/GYN/Lover’s secret baby? And how does she get her breasts to puff up like that over her maternity dress? At least the twins won’t go hungry.
Initially, the hair on the third couple distracted my from the fact Sir Hairsalot appears to have six fingers. Could be sexy, but somehow it’s just not.
Dude #3 It’s Andie McDowel Circa Four Weddings!
Or perhaps after she had
(Whispers) “work done”
Lookit! she’s so smooth and tucked and Shiiiny!
The hero in the last one looks just like Joey from ‘Friends.’
“How YOU doin’?”
I think the title for Lucien’s Fall refers to the drool you just know is pooling. That’s the face of a sleeping person whose spit is adhering his face to the pillow.
And to think they didn’t teach us in school that self-tanning lotion, Jersey perms (are they any relation to jheri curls?), and breast implants were all invented in Regency England—who knew?
OMG, look at the other arm of the girl in the second one! A, it’s horribly malformed, and B, they forgot whose arm it was and used the bronzer from Fabio. (shudders)
That’s not Joey from Friends in #3, it’s Dave Grohl from the Foo FIghters in one of his videos! So that means that the heroine/ victim is the drummer in drag!
Security word: defense43
and boy do we need it from these covers!
Isn’t that Heath Ledger on The Devil’s Bride? I hope he doesn’t spot it!