Outlaw Covers


Sarah: Candy, are these covers that should be outlawed? Because I can think of a few reasons why this cover should be sent away to the pen:

1. Bad Mullet – that’s 4-6 years right there.

2. SHE has a mullet, too! Another 6 year sentence.

3. Her SKIRT is a mullet as well – short in the front, long and doofy in the back. That right there, that’s a mullet trifecta and a crime against humanity. Lock ‘em up and toss the key. Life sentence, no possiblity of parole.

Candy: If we started outlawing mullets on romance novel covers, we’d have to co-opt Antartica for a new prison colony, and the glare of the sun reflecting off all that oiled man-titty would accelerate the melting of the ice caps even further, and then the emperor penguins would be well and truly fucked, instead of mostly-kinda-fucked like they are now, and is that what you want, Sarah, is it? WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST THE ADORABLE EMPEROR PENGUIN, I ASK YOU?


Candy: This is getting to be a refrain, but I’m going to repeat it until this simple truth is internalized: there’d be a lot less tenderness if only you’d use lube during buttsecks.

Sarah: Look, the poor dear is gesturing at two other places that are far less tender for his outlaw passion, but yet he heads for the highway. The tender outlawed-in-29-states highway. Poor thing.


Sarah: The Outlaw’s Woman looks like she’s been ridden hard and put away wet, if you get my meaning. Emaciated bubble-breasted women with bored looks on their faces? She’s had more than one outlaw in her womanhood, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Candy: I have the feeling this woman has more than a passing acquaintance with santorum. That might be the source of her distracted expression, actually. “Did I wash the sheets last night? Or didn’t I? Dammit, next time I need to remember to use a towel.”


Candy: How apropos that we were just talking about Squicky Romance. “In this touching episode, young Maribelle finds out just how deep her father’s love runs for her.”

Heh. It occurred to me that it’d be amusing if somebody created a show called Touched by a Cop. Really wrong, but amusing. And to make it even more wrong, the first guest star could be Mostafa Tabatabainejad.

Sarah: Why in the name of outlawed buttsecks is a jheri-curled Prince Charles on the cover of a romance novel?!?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Nathalie says:

    The Cop…

    My eyes! My eyes!

  2. 2
    fiveandfour says:

    That right there, that’s a mullet trifecta and a crime against humanity

    My next t-shirt slogan, FTW!

    (And it is Prince Charles on the cover of The Cop.  So he was two-timing Camilla, too!  The dirty bastard.)

  3. 3
    Emily says:

    It’s either Prince Charles or Mel Gibson, I can’t decide which.
    Either way, it’s the girl that disturbs me the most.
    Yes, girl. Leetle girl. Who should be upstairs doing her math homework. With the door locked. And a parka on. Zipped up to her chin.

  4. 4
    dl says:

    trifecta…im my home state it’s “three strikes your out”  then they throw away the key and no parole.

    Tender girl has no nipples.  Cover artists should be required to pass anatomy class.

  5. 5
    shaina says:

    thank you ever so much for the link explaining santorum. and by that i mean:


  6. 6
    Jennie says:

    Here I am still trying to recover from the shock to my system from looking up the word Squick—not for the faint of heart, and what do I do?? I click on the santorum link & then have to wade through my history to delete the link so nobody asks me why I feel a need to go to sites like this.  Oy vey!

    That cop guy looks like he’s got a sick girl on his hands—she looks ill and he’s bundled her up in a blanket and is feeling to see if she’s feverish.  What do you bet his next step is offering to take her temperature??

  7. 7

    In Texas, outlaws wear fuzzy, woolly sweaters and cuddle under hand-crocheted blankets? Such wildness. Such outlawry. My little heart goes pitter-patter.

    Perhaps the leather-chapped outlaw is cunningly concealed in the dark woods, ready to give the swing an extra-big push and maybe, just maybe, make them spill tea on the quilt. Either that or this is another illusion brutally shattered by Harlequin.

  8. 8
    priyanka says:

    that apology for an outlaw is definitely NOT mel gibson!

    just tacky tacky tacky

  9. 9
    Wry Hag says:

    Both mullets and indistinguishable hands confuse me greatly.

  10. 10
    sara says:

    The Outlaw’s Woman is a filthy, filthy girl. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  11. 11
    Kaite says:

    The Outlaw’s Woman needs to *eat* something. How’s she going to keep those boobies lifted high as the surgeon intended if she doesn’t keep her strength up?

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