Hello Fish, Meet Your Barrel

Christine sent us this fine selection. And by fine I mean, “As gentle on the eyes as fine grained sand applied directly under each eyelid.”


Sarah: When the cover art is that blatant and, well, phallic, I start to place mental bets that the back copy will tell me about a hero named Cialis or Levitra.

Candy: I long for manly swords, sure, but definitely not the sword of some freakish albino analogue of that Little Hercules dude. Ugh. Shudder.


Sarah: “Next up on QVR: Light up boobs! The perfect gift for your wife this holiday season! Need to find your way to the toilet after a little holiday nogging of her egg, nudge nudge, wink wink? Just tap once on each nipple for a soft, friendly glowing light that will stop you from stubbing your toes forever! Battery not included.”

Candy: Wow. Gives new meaning to “quivering, translucent orbs.” I wonder if she’s able to adjust the intensity and the direction of the light, too, because she’d never have to worry about burned-out headlamps in her car any more. And think of all the money she saves on electricity. Look, if every pair of boobs was somehow able to emit light, we’d be able to take care of global warming in no time. Bioluminescent humans: The wave of the FUTURE!


Sarah: There’s just not enough writing in the hairy back/lumpy ass buttsecks sub-genre. I’m glad to finally see some new entries in the backfield.

Candy: Wow. You know all those jokes that go something like:

“I didn’t mean to sleep with her!”

“Wait, what? Did you trip and fall on her or something?”

Apparently, that scenario is possible. If you trip and fall hard enough, you, too, can accidentally sodomize somebody. AWESOME.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Amy E says:

    Oh dear Lord in heaven.  The boobs!  I’m so jealous—I want translucent orbs too!  Forget convenience items like the Clapper and the TapLight—this tops ‘em all.  Tap ‘em, you get light AND the clap!  I’m hella impressed.

  2. 2
    KariBelle says:

    “Headlights” indeed.

  3. 3
    Kerry says:

    My eyes!  My eyes!

  4. 4
    Michelle, the Diva says:

    Covre #1 looks like Legolas hit the Blue Maui a little too hard and it seeped into his skin. EEK!

    Cover #2: “Hey Maw! Yer’ll never guess what them durn city folk done come up with now. It’s light up titties! Wonder if they’re selling ‘em at Wal*Mart?”

    Cover #3: I’m scarred for life over this one. It was the “Spurs & Mistletoe” that sent me over the edge. And accidental sodomy? And here I thought that was something people did on purpose…

  5. 5

    I got this new ceiling fan with “moodglow” lighting uptop, but these boobs are even better!  I know what I want for the holidays!

  6. 6
    Jennie says:

    And here are the most wanted items for the 2006 holiday season…

    For that special lady in your life
    Sword of Longing with extra sharp point to deal with even the toughest virginal hymen. (Warning: sharp point may cause injury)

    Glow in the Dark Orbs—for the man who has everything—now he’ll realize he only *thought* he had everything.

    My phrase is lack82—do you think these covers are lacking??

  7. 7
    DebR says:

    Spurs & Mistletoe! Bwahahahaaaa!!!
    That would have been enough all on its own, but as a bonus I now get to know what Cousin It (from the Addams Family) looks like when he’s having a Very Special Moment.

    Also, I’m totally getting in line for light up boobs when they become available to the general public. Best. Idea. EVER!

  8. 8
    December says:

    I’m actually not sure that’s accidental sodomy in that last one. Those thighs are suspiciously curvy enough for me to believe they’re actually calves. In which case, our oddly shaped Ewok friend has a foot fetish I don’t even want to think about, considering the word “Spurs” in the series title.

  9. 9
    Marg says:

    Oh my…I thought the last one was a tree and I was trying to figure out how they got under it!!

  10. 10
    AnneD says:

    Lady on top yo!

    Though why she is sitting on his ass, rather than other, certainly more enjoyable, aspects of the male anatomy I have no clue.

  11. 11
    canadacole says:

    Re: Spurs and Mistletoe cover—the more I look, the more confused I get (and the more I worry about burning after images on my retinas).  At first I thought that the person on the bottom had their knees up on the chair (explains the bending upwards—those are feet) and that there was the faint suggestion of an outflung arm on the carpet.  I assumed that would make it man on bottom, woman on top.  Then I read the snark and think, oops, got that wrong, must look again.  And I can see Candy’s interpretation being a possibility. Then I’m looking at the body parts on the chair and….wait….isn’t that an ARM on the arm of the chair?  An arm lazily resting as though someone were sitting there?  So, um, how many people/beings are in this little cover adventure?  Are these just random body parts flung about?  Methinks the cover artist has been eating the mistletoe berries or something.  Could someone solve the mystery?  Or do I really want to know?

    My word verification: involved68
    I am now.

  12. 12
    canadacole says:

    Oh, and totally sign me up for the glowing titties.  It would make my husband happy and make breastfeeding so much easier!

  13. 13
    Ann Aguirre says:

    Are you sure it’s a woman on top in cover three? (I too thought it was a tree at first)

  14. 14
    Larissa says:

    I SO want the lighted boobs. I’m always running into the door in the middle of the night when I have to go to the bathroom…

  15. 15
    Kaite says:

    Cover One: Is dude wearing reallyreallytight pants, or does he have some sort of scabrous skin disease, possibly brought on by the over-done tribal tatoo around the navel? And what up with the brow ridges? Is he a Neanderthal hybrid elf? Ummm. Yeeee-aaah. No wonder chick looks so shocked!

    Cover Two: Something is seriously wrong with the right glow titty. The bottom line is sort of…crooked and wonky, making her look like her glow-implants have shifted and stretched out the skin. And she’s got some odd dimpling along her side, too. The glow isn’t coming from her nipples, either, unless she has had some majorly bad mammary surgery and the nipples got moved north and inwards. She’s got cross-eyed titties!

    Cover Three: WTF?!?! Just…What? It looks like it’s a man (who’s not very pleased—look at that outstretched yet tight hand—almost like he landed on her and is trying to catch his balance again) sitting on top of a, well, I’ll guess a female only because the skin is lighter and that’s usually artistic short-hand for “girl,” but not like he’s doing anything with her assorted orifi (unless she’s got one in the lumbar region of her spine.) This reminds me of when kids are fighting and one gets the drop on the other and sits on them. I’m not thinking oooh, sexy-sexy, I’m thinking, “Mooooooom! Make Chewbacca get off me!!!!” And I can’t see anyone in the chair, unless I’m looking at it wrong. Which, given how reluctant overall I am to look at the cover, would not be surprising!  ;-P

    Heh, my word is “came51.” Not on any of these covers, they didn’t!

  16. 16
    December says:

    Something’s certainly stealing Christmas on cover 3. Instead of the Grinch, though, I think it’s the thing on the wings of the plane from Twilight Zone:The Movie.

  17. 17
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Is #3 a woman? A man? A shapeshifter warewolf thing? Ick. I scream into the sunrise: ARE THERE NO GOOD COVERS?? Are they like Bigfoot, elusive and rarely seen?

    And SBs, you owe us a survey of QUALITY gay covers….

  18. 18
    Lila says:

    Wait. I’m confused on the third one. If that thing in the foreground is a man’s thigh, and you follow the highlighting up, why does the highlighting make it look as if his ass is so high up?
    I am so disturbed by this.

    my word is little56. Maybe it is, maybe that’s why they are using that position.

  19. 19
    DS says:

    At first I thought Number 3 was Ent sex from LotR.

    After downloading it my hard drive and zooming in though I noticed a few things.  The hands of the “top” have suspicously delicate fingers.  The hair could use a hot oil treatmenno scrotum under the ends of the hair?

  20. 20
    --E says:

    #3 had me as perplexed as everyone else, and then I figured it out. This book is obviously a science-fiction book about people from a place where radical genetic modification is the vogue. The person on top is a Sasquatch Hermaphrodite, a descendant of the Furries, who adoped genemods early.

    The bottom person is a circus performer, who, in order to get a higher salary, was modified to have limbs that actually rotate a full 360° at every joint, and bend in any direction. The “fall” in the title refers to a recent high-wire mishap, and currently she is stuck with her legs turned all about. This naturally lends itself to some interesting sexual options for Sasquatch.

    In #2, I think it is actually supposed to be the hands that are glowing, and, er, stimulating the breasts with some sort of energy/electricity/magical power. But I prefer the “glowing boobs” interpretation. I would like to see a sequel where a man has glowing abs, with each section of the six-pack lighting up in a different color so his partners could play “Simon” on them.

  21. 21

    I see someone else came up with my idea of replacing the saline in breast implants with that phosphorescent goop in glow sticks.

    What? You could even pick your color!

  22. 22
    Karen Scott says:

    These are truly heinous. End of.

  23. 23
    sara says:

    A book called “Sexual Rx” written by someone with the last name Burns? What are the main characters’ names, Itches and Chafes? *Jesus*.

  24. 24

    Okay, the first one: is that guy wearing white stretch pants? Or those tights that look like stretch pants that girls wear under denim skirts? I like the belly button tattoo.

    Number 2: Everyone says, “Ooh, they’re light-up boobs!” To me, it’s looks like the guy’s hands are more lit up than the woman’s breasts.

    And can you imagine having boobs that lit up whenever you were aroused. It be the female equivalent to how guys get erections in public, almost for no reason, so for those squealing for a pair of TouchLight tits, be careful what you wish for…

    Cover 3: That’s a guy mounting a girl from behind—plain and simple. Look at the muscular thighs and firm, proud buttocks on the man with the long hair—probably the only thing worthwhile on that cover.

  25. 25
    Sphinx says:

    I’m trying to figure out the contortion in Cover #3 and I’m as stumped as everyone else seems to be.  There is no possible penetration that can be achieved from that position.  I’ve considered the possibility of m/m, female dominant, male dominant, and unless someone’s got a penis approximately a foot and a half long, it ain’t happenin’.

    Of course, this does not consider the possibility that a foot-and-a-half long penis may be the entire premise of the novel . . .

  26. 26

    ‘To me, it’s looks like the guy’s hands are more lit up than the woman’s breasts.’

    OMG… He’s using alchemy to make her boobs bigger. Wonder what the equivalent exchange is for that?

  27. 27

    In cover 3- to me, it looks like a woman with long hair sitting on someone’s face.

    It’s sort of like those pictures with the dots…if you stare at it long enough, you see something.

  28. 28
    Kim says:

    I don’t know what was funnier – the entry (oh. my. god.) or the comments…

    I think I snurked pepsi out of my nose and there ain’t nothin’ pretty about that. Not even with high-beam boobies!

  29. 29
    Amy E says:

    Laughing.  My.  ASS off!!!  These comments are killer.  And because the commenters have produced such high quality snarkage, I feel compelled to confess.

    Yes.  I have actually read that last one, The Harder They Fall. 

    I bring this up not because I am proud.  I’m not entirely sure how it happened that I read this—I might’ve had a release at the same week, or been asked for a review quote, the memory fails.  I bring this up only because I can hopefully shed some light (from my boobs?) on this cover.

    The dude has uber long hair.  Yes, it is dude on top, and if I remember the scene correctly, he’s sitting atop the back of her knees.  I believe there was some begging she needed to do before the penetration came into play.  Pun intended.  However, not to disappoint you all, but the dick in question wasn’t a foot and a half long.  At least, I don’t think so.  Might have to reread for that detail.

    Am still guffawing at “Mooooooom! Make Chewbacca get off me!!!!”  hahahahahahaha!!!

  30. 30
    xatya says:

    Have just read Amy E’s comment. I checked back on cover #3. Yep. Still completely confused.

    Wouldn’t it be lovely if one of these CG cover “artists” picked up an anatomy book one day?

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