No, we’re not cruel enough to inflict more Hungarian Nora covers on you (though fear not, just when you least expect it, BAM. We, or they, will return!). But we are cruel enough to inflict this set of covers on you.
Sarah: Her: Look. Looook dahlink. I have ingrown hair from incompetent waxer.
Him: You also have booby! Honk honk!
Candy: Frankly, her position and her expression make her look, uh, developmentally disabled. Like he’s the creepy older cousin trying to get his bad touch ON, you dig? He’s all “Hey, honey, let me stroke you and make you feel all better” and she’s all “Nnnnnooooo, momma told me not to let you touch on my pillows.”
Sarah: An alert reader sent me the link to the author’s announcement of her new cover, wherein she states By the way, I need to stress something. Despite the nakedness on the cover, this is NOT an erotic romance.
Well, I’d have thought that, certainly. I’d also have thought that it was a tit nipply out, and he was very confused as to who Flowbee’d his mullet.
Candy: Damn, that hair is really, really unfortunate. It makes the right side of his head look like it was strapped against a plank for a few years. Which, come to think of it, might also explain the expression on his face. I have the feeling that higher cerebral function is not this dude’s forte, you know what I’m sayin’?
Really, somebody needs to chill the fuck out with the feathering—and I’m referring to both the dude’s hairstylist and the cover artist who photoshopped this hunka burnin’ germfarm onto the backdrop.
Sarah: Ah yes, another candidate for “The Cover That Snarks Itself.”
A love story! With an erect stamen at its heart! That about sums it up.
Candy: Given that most Linda Howard heroes seem to suffer from severe priapism (which probably explains why so many of them are such assholes), this cover is an exercise in truth in advertising, and I can only applaud the discernment of the German cover designers.
No, no I can’t. Holy shit, you guys. A succulent stiffy! IN YOUR FACE! Aaaahahahahahaha.
I was fine ‘til I got to the “Mr. Perfekt” cover.
The cover that snarks itself, indeed!
Man,
That black dragon cover is just nasty. “Ignore the lightening bolt coming out of my head.”, but wait…there’s more…, and sometimes less really is more. That vein running up where the guy should be covered up is like a mirror of the lightening bolt—is that the exit point?
I think I figured out the cover for “The Black Dragon.” Notice how lightening is striking him directly in the head but he is still just standing there looking all naked, stupid, and dead in the eyes? Clearly he is some sort of Frankenstein type monster. The having been dug up after a few days in a grave/lightening combo also partially explains his hair.
The Mr Perfect cover made me blow coffee out of my nose! Painful!
I have the feeling that higher cerebral function is not this dude’s forte, you know what I’m sayin’?
I peed a little.
He looks unfortunately like a younger brother to Andre the Giant. You are the brute squad!
Actually, the Black Dragon guy really isn’t *that* bad (ducks flying coffee cups). He reminds me a little of some goodhearted village blacksmith type. With a better haircut, he’d be kind of cute, in that peasant-y way. At least he’s not all greasy and coated in oil like most male cover models. At least, from his arms up, he looks all right. What bothers me is the gnarly varicosity on his hip – like his sword is so ready for the forge that all the veins in his lower abdomen tweak out in sympathy. That’s creepy.
~Kiku
Mr. Perfekt’s flower looks like a heart. It looks like a pair of heart-shaped Speedos with a skeeeny woody poking out.
The poor dude on The Black Dragon appears to be some kind of pin head. I mean, does his head not appear to be too small? As though the upper portion which contains his brain is missing?
Admit it, Nora, you’re just relieved it’s not you this week.
Black Dragon guy has serious bed head, and clearly isn’t awake yet because he wandered out into a cold storm morning without his coffee…perhaps emdee would care to share so he can get his s**t together?
Mr. P…I wouldn’t touch that cover, much less buy it. Reminds me of a teen tee I saw recently, the art depicted farting. I thought the theory was to attract buyers.
OK everybody, TRY to remember to refrain from drinking beverages while reading cover snarks, it can be painful. Hope you’ve recovered Emdee!
That model for the Black Dragon guy has so many things going wrong:
* Stretch marks on his hips and around the area of his hoo-hang
* Stubble on his stomach where he shaved off his pubes and stomach hair, which must have been done about week or two before the picture was taken
* Zits on his forehead and cheeks
* Zits on his arm
* Hair that looks like a flea ridden platypus humping his head
I have to wonder if the guy that was supposed to model didn’t show up and the photographer, desperate to get the shoot over with, looked for the nearest guy that wasn’t over 50. I think she found him lurking in the Xerox room.
* Hair that looks like a flea ridden platypus humping his head
AAAAHHhahahahahahaha! I do believe you’ve absolutely nailed the hairstyle. My theory was that the dude had a full-on ‘fro, and they tried to photoshop it down to something less hideous. And failed. Failed oh, so miserably.
I had no idea Jim from The Office was moonlighting as a romance cover model!
(Seriously- disregard the humpy-ferret hairdo and look at the face- that could be John Krasinski’s scowlier, vacant-er brother.)
I realized I’ve been studying too much when I caught myself earnestly trying to recall whether Mr. Perfect actually featured any Anthuriums!
As for The Black Dragon? Definitely the love child of Andre the Giant and Jim from The Office. That shot looks like it drew inspiration from the latest Dara Joy cover debacle: http://www.officialdarajoy.com/
“love child of Andre the Giant and Jim from The Office”
My brain just melted in terror. That is a seriously alarming phrase.
The Guy from black dragon is waxed within an inch… excepting his eyebrows! WTF?
First thing that popped into my mind was those Geico comercials featuring the Neaderthals, “No really, we had no idea you guys were still around!”
They all work for the romance cover artists.
The cover for Mister Perfekt is one of the funniest I have ever seen. For all it’s ‘look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME! Stamen = penis, People WILL have sex in this book!’-ness, I can’t help but imagine that behind his back, the guy who designed this (assuming it was a guy…is there anyway of finding out?) has women waving their pinky fingers in that universal, insitinctive way we all do when talking about significantly less than well-endowed men.
Or maybe that’s just the pain meds talking…
Nicely put, but I’m somewhat offended because I actually think it’s hot when guys have their hair wavy and curly like a girl does (but not to the point where it looks either like a mullet or something that a woman would actually wear as a hairstyle). But on him, it does look like he needs a hot oil treatment or a shampooing. It looks a mess.
And the stretch marks near his groin look more like the veins that pump the blood into his manhood. Wait, on second though, they do look like stretch marks. I thought only women got them, either from being pregnant or losing so much weight that their skin doesn’t looks flabby.
That guy looks like Josh Hartnett, if he were half-Italian and on steroids.
The first one I actually created an alternate title to back in my early days of tooling around with PhotoShop. The title did have something to do with the fact that she was doped up and the guy was going to fondle her while she was high, but I don’t know the exact title.
The third one actually looks normal in comparison with the other two trainwrecks, but if you’re really into reading into symbols as much as I am and the Smart Bitches, you’ll know that…that just don’t look right.
-*First thing that popped into my mind was those Geico comercials featuring the Neaderthals, “No really, we had no idea you guys were still around!â€
Um. Yeah… either that, or somebody photoshopped various bits of Duncan MacLeod (lightning head) and Donny Osmond (dazed expression). ‘Course, since the plot sounds like Zorro spliced with the Scarlet Pimpernel, that’s about right. But why in the name of pneumonia prevention is the silly git romping around in the buff on a Dark & Stormy Night?
I’m not gonna touch that skanky anthurium. I’d have to wash my hands.
‘Course, since the plot sounds like Zorro spliced with the Scarlet Pimpernel, that’s about right.
Hmmm. He’s more like a James Bond/Batman type of character—very dark and tormented—but you’re not too far off!
He’s actually very smart. And he doesn’t look at all like that cover guy.
Who I had absolutely nothing to do with. Sometimes publishers make decisions that exclude authors completely. No matter how hard we cry.
But why in the name of pneumonia prevention is the silly git romping around in the buff on a Dark & Stormy Night?
Lol! That’s what I wondered too!
You poor innocents. You haven’t seen anything if you’ve never stood in front of a whole book rack full of German clinch covers (done in the most garish colours imaginable). The Heather Graham cover is actually one of the better ones. At least it doesn’t strike you temporarily blind… *g*
The first thing I thought of when I saw the first cover is ‘Stuart’. You all know, the really BIG kid on Mad T.V. I can just picture her pushing him away with one foot on his chest saying “Dooooonnnt…”
oh my god! I laughed so hard I got into trouble at work! well worth the crappy new assignment on my desk! funny stuff ladies!
Wait a minute…I think I know this guy…
ummmmm two words for the gentleman “Black Dragon”….Lou Ferigno
..more like a James Bond/Batman type of character—very dark and tormented—but you’re not too far off! He’s actually very smart. And he doesn’t look at all like that cover guy.
God, I should hope not!
Didn’t mean any snark by Zorro & Pimpernel—they’re classics. And any time I see a Welsh hero I almost automatically plug in Ioan Gruffudd. Anybody that pretty who’s got the balls to keep his own Welllsh Spellllling has what it takes to be a Romance Hero.
I wish publishers would give authors an allowance to just buy cover art. I know at least three fan artists who do zine covers that outshine most of the pro stuff.
Oh, god… the spambuster is “size87”
No snark taken, Lia. 🙂
Hey, if the blurb gave you an idea of what the book was about, I’m glad.
Total ex-boyfriend flashback on the first cover. I swear, we were alone when he would drool and slur “you also have booby! Honk honk!”
It seems my secret shame is now public…
(arrgh! the verification is “become26” – HOW DID YOU BITCHES KNOW HOW OLD I WAS WHEN I DROPPED MY STANDARDS?)
*curls up in a whimpering little ball, sides aching from laughing so damn hard when I saw “Honk honk”*
I might have been struck blind by the hideous stretchmark running along the hip of the sullen Faulknerian manchild in Picture Two, had his erect nipple not poked my freakin’ eyes out seconds before I reached his midsection.
If he didn’t have a head (and he soon may not, if lightning keeps striking it), Black Dragon dude would please me mightily. That’s one low-dippin’ crop on that photo, ain’a?