Snarky Covers? Must be Monday!


Sarah: Yarrr! We be sailing up the dark canyon!

And given how low her dress is, there should be nipples. But there are none, and I am unable to stop myself from looking to see if I can find them. Where are they?

Candy: Le buttsecks in a field amidst stampeding horses—now there’s a situation ripe for the Darwin Awards. But then these two don’t look like the sturdiest pastry cutters in the baking drawer, know what I mean?


Sarah: Her – I cannot kiss you! Your mullet, it is huge! Your big beefy arm is growing out of your neck! You are anatomically incorrect, and I fear for what lies in your trousers!

Him – But you came to work wearing a bedsheet. Surely this is an invitation?

Candy: I do declare that this dude’s haircut is supremely scandalous—as is his massively overdeveloped tricep, and the way he seems intent on chewing off the woman’s nose, even as she pushes ineffectively at him.


Sarah: Don’t you just love the subtle positioning of the “O?” And the not-so-subtle gay-video pose? If he opens his mouth, does an anamatronic voice say, “I got ya O right here, babe!”

Candy: Dude, a five o’clock shadow in your armpit is not sexy.


Sarah: Ok, this cover has crossed the border of Sexy, traversed the long valley of Camp and come to rest in the heart of Creepy. He looks sleazy and mean, his abs look like they were sculpted out of corduroy, and that hand? Is it…wiping his crotch?! EW!

Candy: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Create a humanoid using the genes Tom Hanks and Ben Affleck and hire him out to do sleazy porn, right? What could possibly go wrong?

And then the killings began.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    Wicked Delights—Eeewww!  Now they’ve got cover fluffers! And it doesn’t seem to be working!

  2. 2
    Nora Roberts says:

    Her nipples, they have been stolen by
    . . . ah, nipple-stealing banditos! Those lousy bastids! And he was comforting her in this dark, dark hour. But then he fell asleep.

  3. 3
    Jennie says:

    What’s up with that 3rd hand on the Tom Hanks bobblehead dude? 

    He doesn’t even have the courtesy to gaze lovingly towards body attached to the hand (other person, other creature?? That hand doesn’t look human, never mind feminine)—no, he’s looking at the camera—“look at me, look at me!!!”

  4. 4
    Kaite says:

    I dunno, the two people on the nipple-less cover look unconscious. Maybe they already got trampled on by the horsies?

    And the gay porn cover—OMG, LMAO!

    Skeezemaster on the bottom cover—whose great idea was he? I wouldn’t touch the book, myself. I can feel the heat of the love-rash coming on; the love rash I got just by looking at him.  :bug:

  5. 5

    Isn’t that Jean-Claude Van Damme’s dad?

  6. 6
    Ceilidh says:

    I think Ol’ Corduroy Abs looks like the love child of Robert Wagner and Robert Conrad myself.

  7. 7
    Madd says:

    OMG! I may never look at Tom Hanks the same way again! This guy does look like some Hollywood breeding program gone awry! So, who did they cross with Tommy Lee Jones to come up with Josh Hartnet?

    On that second cover I keep hearing this conversation going on in my head:

    Him: I’m just not seeing an eyelash

    Her: Just keep looking. I feel it in there. *massages man titty*

    Hima: You know, I get that you need help getting an eyelash out of your eye, but why did you make me take my shirt off first?

    I suspect may be gay, as he has not even noticed her nudity.

    I won’t even go into the raunch that is the gay porn cover.

  8. 8
    Kimber says:

    I’m confused by the Ellora’s Cave cover. It seems to be about a gay Jewish caveman in Egypt. Am I wrong?

    . . .

    I like the first cover with its subtle juxtaposition of his wild steeds trampling her delicate flowers. His wild, rampant, bruising, horse-like masculinity running roughshod over her moist, open, delicate, trusting petals of womanhood. Whoo! Put a bridle on me now, Lone Rump Ranger!

  9. 9

    Isn’t that Jean-Claude Van Damme’s dad?

    On which one?

    Re: the last one

    OMG! I may never look at Tom Hanks the same way again!

    Me neither. I thought Tom Hanks was supposed to be the nice guy in Hollywood, both on and off the silver screen (and the small screen since Hanks was on Bosom Buddies in the 1980s and is a frequent host on Saturday Night Live). I need to lie down.

    The first cover does look like both the hero and heroine are dead, but not from the horse stampeding. I don’t see any hoof marks, blood, or broken bones.

    And on the second one: If you have to resort to the Vulcan nerve pinch to get a date, then you’re not just a total douche; you’re a geeky douche.

  10. 10
    Carrie Lofty says:

    If you look at the Tom Hanks cover again – check out the fold of sheets to the right of his body.  Does that look like a disembodied horse’s head to anyone else?  With all the red, I’m thinking Mr. Hanks should watch out for that hand.  Could be the next trend in mob hits – something along the lines of Lorena Bobbitt.

  11. 11

    On which one?

    The last one.

  12. 12
    Jennie says:

    So after I got done snarking here, I headed over to to vote on this year’s covers, and I have to confess I was confused.  I saw the “worst” category, but as I went through the “best in category” nominees, I couldn’t help but wonder (ala Carrie Bradshaw), are these SERIOUSLY the best they could find?

    Most of them would make fabulous additions to the Monday SB cover snark, and Candy wouldn’t even have to work at getting the pictures—they’re all right there in one convenient place.  ;-)

  13. 13
    Nora Roberts says:

    Okay, in number two, you guys are obviously so blinded by his scary muscles, his big-ass mullet, and her inappropriate lack of attire you failed to notice the strange upward wing of hair at her temple. How does it fly up and back just that way? What hair product does she use to accomplish this? And why?

    I don’t think I can comment on the others, because they frighten me.

  14. 14

    >>the strange upward wing of hair at her temple. How does it fly up and back just that way? What hair product does she use to accomplish this?< <

    Does “Something About Mary” ring a bell?

  15. 15

    On which one

    The last one.

    The last one doesn’t look like Jean Claude Van Damme’s dad. The next to last one does, kinda

  16. 16
    Ziggy says:

    With regards to the 2nd cover. That has got to be one bored-looking lady. He looks like he can’t decide whether to eat her nose or strangle her. Look at the placement of his hand! She looks like she doesn’t care either way. *le yawn*

    Also on a random note: can’t wait for the Watchmen review!

  17. 17

    >>the strange upward wing of hair at her temple. How does it fly up and back just that way? What hair product does she use to accomplish this?< <

    Either the “hair gel” from There’s Something About Mary (as mentioned above) or the really tough stuff they had in the 1980s when wild, whorish perms were all the rage.

  18. 18
    Lorelie says:

    or the really tough stuff they had in the 1980s when wild, whorish perms were all the rage.

    Aqua Net!  It’s the duct tape of hair!

  19. 19
    Nathalie says:

    Is it me being corrupted and on a hell-bent charter bus full of pink-haired ladies and golden tennis shoes…or is The Hand a dude’s hand? (Wicked Delights) Um. Go over it again and notice the wrist, the vein, the fingers’ thickness…that’s no chick’s hand, baby!

    *Oh, all that rampant gayness in romance books has me seeing things*

    And the Lost Nipple Situation…look closer…she has them in her left hand!! Yes!

    And the dialogue that goes with it:

    Him: “Geeve me zee neepples! I must ‘ave zee neepples!”

    Her: “Oh, but mon chéri, you kannott ‘ave meye neepples…zay are safe away from zee wild ‘orses of your love.”

  20. 20
    Susan says:

    The red satin one looks like he went to a questionable doctor to check for a hernia. Either that or it is cheesy gay porn.

  21. 21
    Marjorie says:

    First time poster and admirer of all things both bitchy and trashy…

    This covers are seriously rich.  I know two of the gentleman on the covers, both Tom Hanks and Red Satin Man and the comments are even funnier when placed into perspective of who these guys are LOL… Red Satin Man, for instance, is a really nice guy LOL… but ewwww… all that satin and OMG… that HAND.  Gads.

  22. 22
    Abby says:

    OK, in the first one, her right arm looks bisected – the upper and lower arms totally don’t match and the elbow is disjointed. Or is that his arm? If so, it’s awfully feminine, and the rest of her arm is just plain missing. Driving me nuts…

    Nora is right, that dude is sleeping.

  23. 23
    Wry Hag says:

    Wow.  Orange.  That’s really orange.  I like orange.  Hey, gimme another hit of that shit….

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