Covers, Covers, Covers, Baby, Yeah!

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Candy: Does that thing win some kind of prize for “most strategic use of a white sheet” or what?

Sarah: Not only is that white sheet strategic, but it’s…flaccid. I mean, given the limp position of that sheet, I don’t think he’s a sexy beast. I think he’s a sack-y beast.

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Candy: I understand that body hair can look kind of funny on a cover, which is why the freshly-waxed look is so popular on our covers, but really, couldn’t they find a model who hadn’t gone cross-eyed from the pain of the waxing?

Sarah: That waistline is so low that I’m betting that the only thing in his pants is a shadow, and it sure ain’t belonging to lust.

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Candy: Chick: …did I ever tell you that I can only get off when I’m tickling your armpit? ‘Cause it’s true. C’mere, baby, momma needs her magic crease fix!
Dude: Whatevs. Do whatever you need to do. BOOB SNIFF!

Sarah: Lady: “I’ll… fly away! Oh, Glory, I’ll…fly away!”

Dude: “GET OFF MY NUTS YOU CRAZY WITCH.”

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Candy: Tonight, on our Menu de Snarque: Greasy Perms à la François, with a side serving of Extremely Uncomfortable Dress and “I Know Where the Buttons Are But Can’t Figure Out How to Untuck a Shirt” sauce.

Sarah: Her: “Your hair, the Jheri curl, it is so… so… sexy.”

Him: “Look, Celine, let go of my shirt. I have to go home to Esteban. It is laundry night, thanks to you.”

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  1. Kay Derwydd says:

    Lord, y’all are nuts. But so damned funny. My favorite is definitely the “Messagere de la passion”…priceless. 😀

  2. Miri says:

    Now wait a damn second! The first one!
    That exact picture, sans the stupid tattoo, was on a card I sent to a friend a couple of years ago!

  3. Kaite says:

    Either that’s a hell of a unibrow on the Lust’s Shadow dude, or he needs to wash his face.

    And what up with the unnaturally brown guys on the French covers? Is it law in France that men have to spend two hours a day in a tanning bed to reach the minimum sexy levels?

    Leather face from too much UV=so not sexy. :-p

  4. Tonda/Kalen says:

    Dare I mention that I kind of like the SEXY BEAST cover? Expect for the super cheesy “tattoo” that looks like it was stamped onto the picture (which I’m sure it basically was).

    Should I just beg you to snark my cover right now? LOL!

    Our hero turns . . . Hey, he thinks, I forgot to put my clothes on, butt damn I look sexy (“butt” there on purpose *GRIN*)

  5. Suisan says:

    So for Lust’s Shadow, the warrior just *happens* to be striking a bodybuilder pose while wrestling his huge sward from the scabbard on his back? Uh Huh.

    I’m thinking a) his vital organs are REALLY exposed while he tries to arm himself, and b) his pants are falling down while he tries to arm himself.

    “Now stay right there! Six Feet Away while I…. OK, now wait just one sec while I pull my pants up! OOOMPH! Hold up. Tripped on my shorts. Uh, OK, ready?”

  6. The first one, I thought the guy’s tattoo was some sort of scab that didn’t heal. Scabs on men aren’t sexy; scars are. Can’t these cover artists get anything right? Then I took a closer look and found that it was the Thundercats symbol. OK, eighties cartoons are NOT sexy. They may be better than the crap that kids are forced to watch these days, but they don’t make me cream.

    And if I caught a man covering himself with my white bedsheets, I’d go ballistic. I just had those cleaned, ya jackass!

    The second one: What the hell is that on his head, a tumor? A bruise? His hair done in some horrid fashion by a stylist who was either drunk or amateur? And why is he using his sword as a butt-crack scratcher? And why isn’t it going in the right direction?

    Third one: Reminds me of some Axe body spray commercial gone horribly wrong (or parodied on either Saturday Night Live or MADtv).

    Last one: Pretty typical for a romance cover. Except for his Joe Piscopo man-perm and the candles next to the dress (fire hazard, much?), there’s nothing really extraordinary about it

  7. Okay, the Lust’s Shadow cover? Who knew lust was embodied by a steroid abusing female bodybuilder? See, even thought the “guy”‘s pants are falling off, there is no hint of his throbbing python of love… which is totally because he’s a she. Take a look at this: Link
    And the monobrowstrosity? Clearly due to everyone’s favorite female-specific side effect of steroids, the body hair increase. This is just a mutant example, where the eyebrows have mutated to where attempts to remove them cause the hair to double in volume each time.

  8. AngieZ says:

    I am sure when Sexy Beast guy woke up he was not too happy when he realized his frat buddies took his drunken self to the cheap tattoo parlor to get their school logo imortalized on his person.  Wonder what they had placed on his butt?

  9. --E says:

    On that last cover, he has to be saying: “Darling, I love you, but you are an adult now, and should stop reliving past glories by wearing your prom gown from 1982.”

  10. Emily says:

    AngieZ—that tattoo is my highschool mascot.
    I think I just spent a good two minutes trying to speak but finding myself unable to.

    The sexy beast has…panther pride.

    I have the sexy beast’s tattoo painted on a three-foot megaphone stolen from a spirit assembly before the last rugby match of the year.

    Welp, there goes my youth.

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