You know that little faceless wooden doll that folks used to sketch body shapes? Or those nude models at figure drawing class that invited the artist to render accurately the human form?
Yeah. Neither of those two options were employed by the artists of the following covers.
Sarah: His face is shaded for inaccurate identification in a lineup, and her neck is eeeextra long to make strangulation nice and easy. But what’s really peculiar is her belt, which seems to be around her ribcage. That’d be much better for strangulation, sir.
Bonus snark from Sarah’s Hubby: “After the Roses, I will SNAP your HEAD OFF.”
Candy: Looking at the cover alone, I’d guess that the story tells the sordid tale of what happens when Pinnocchio grows up, realizes that wood doesn’t have a conscience, develops an unnatural taste for sawdust and starts stalking mannequins that were used in JC Penney circa 1985.
Sarah: His head, judging by the position of his arm, is growing out of his sternum. And again, the neck is long enough for some serious bling to go with that unbuttoned shirt.
Candy: Look, when people mention a dude’s endowed like a stallion, they’re generally referring to the size of his cock, not the length of his freaking neck.
Sarah:: How many times was his mouth redrawn? Can this man even talk for himself? Or does he communicate by pursing his lips and grunting?
Or maybe that pen he’s holding is an attempt to communicate something, something very, very small.
Candy: Hey, look, Steve Buscemi has a smarmier, pastier, tubbier younger brother!
Sarah: One, I see an ass cheek. Two, she has no torso. Does she have a liver? Is there room?
Or is she a little person? Her arms appear to be a standard length, but her abdomen is quite stunted. Folks on Discovery Health Channel would have a field day making a movie out of this condition: “When your torso is too short, and your ass hangs out of your jeans: The Deirdre Story.”
Candy: You know why she doesn’t have a liver? Because she’s about to chew right through this dude’s face and claim his for her own. Damn, that is one scary-ass look on her face. Somebody needs to ‘splain to her that cannibalism means she doesn’t throw in with the laws of God and man.