I was flipping through my new used copy of Rebecca Brandewyne’s Desire in Disguise and on page 15 I came across the following passage:
Almost simultaneously Noir felt himself burst like a ripe melon within her, spilling his seed.
Excuse me? A RIPE MELON? Well, it’s sticky. And there are seeds. So maybe it’s not that far off in some ways, but still, burst like a ripe melon? That’s kind of gross, like his turgid member split open and ew ew ew.
That might be among the most bizarre descriptions of orgasm I’ve ever read. Now, we’ve talked about bad sex scenes before, and E. D’Trix was even kind enough to tell us all about the love scenes that invoke salmon swimming upstream.
So let’s talk orgasm specifically. What terms and descriptions did you like, and which were just absolutely howling awful?
And, as an aside, how come all the romance heroes and heroines have to orgasm simultaneously? I mean, come ON now, people.
But you’ll have to excuse me – I have to go. I’m craving a slice of cantelope.
This little gem is from bertrice Small:
‘He spermed in her hot maw.’
And to think that she started out so brilliantly in her career. I think she has fallen victim to a bad case of ‘I am a rich and famous author and people will buy my books no matter what sort of horrible crap I write-itis’.
This isn’t graphic, but I had the unfortunate experience of listening to a book on tape where the heroine “shattered” every time she had an orgasm (which was frequently). The phrase, “…and she shattered” said with a posh English accent is burned into my brain.
I also agree about “weeping” anything. Yuck.
Dang. I’m caught between laughing and puking. And Darlene, just cuz I don’t shriek don’t mean I’m not having shattering crashing waves of ectasy.
But I am afraid that the next time hubby and I get in the mood I’ll be thinking of this:
He stuck his purple-headed ding-dong in her creamy hoo-hoo, and it was a taste explosion.
He stuck his purple-headed ding-dong in her creamy hoo-hoo, and it was a taste explosion.
Like this, you mean?: http://www.slurpee.com/
Throw a couple of pop rocks in that baby and you’re set to go!
Dear god, I almost swallowed my tongue. Maybe I should submit my deathless prose to Slurpee Corporation. They definitely have a purple-headed ding-dong on their website…
And why do I have a feeling that no matter what I go on to achieve, I will always be known as the author who wrote:
He stuck his purple-headed ding-dong in her creamy hoo-hoo, and it was a taste explosion.
”…every time someone mentions burning or flaming, it really makes me think that someone needs to see the dr. Maybe pick up a cream or some antibiotics.
Antibiotics, certainly. They’ve already got the cream. Haven’t you been paying attention? Or were you too busy shattering, your soul scattered upon the glittering heavens to entwine with your lover’s, as your loving caused you both to simultaneously explode with rapturous abandon as he spermed your hot maw?
… damn. I was doing pretty good there for a moment.
Also LMAO @ the proper euphemisms! “His Majesty, in purple cap” indeed. Yeah, dudes would’ve gotten off on that one for sure. I know a lot of men who’d love to have everyone kneel and kiss his rim—er, ring,, I meant ring!
*dies* OMG! I might actually be squicked.
So you’re saying, what, I should take the spewing creamy manmilk out of my books, Madd? Or maybe just reflavor it with a bunch of fruit salad? … hey, maybe that dude who drank a lot and still managed to have finger-lickin’ good hot-maw-spunk just drank a lot of tropical drinks? Mai tai, pina colada, here I come baby! Mama wants to meet a cunning linguist…
Wasn’t the honeypot reference from that book, Taboo?
anything about ‘exploding into eternity’ or ‘crashing on waves of ecstasy’ have always bothered me, it just doesn’t sound like fun being whisked off everytime you get to the good part. I also remember a description that mentioned that she saw ‘sparkly rainbows of pleasure’ which made me suspect that maybe they had ergot poisoning.
Any description of penises being in wombs (‘plunging the inner recesses of her throbing womb’) should be off-limits. Just for complete neglegence of basic anatomy, if nothing else.
Laurell K Hamilton has her “hero” Micah as being so well hung that when he and Anita have sex, he is bumping into and brusing her cervix. Ick indeed.
Oh, you women crack me up! And it’s very difficult to laugh inside while keeping a straight face outside. Mt co-workers must think I’m either about to vomit or sneeze.
I read most of my romance in Dutch, and I think a lot of the orgasmic horrors get lost in translation by accident or purpose. If I were a translator I’d probably translate something like “He stuck his purple-headed ding-dong in her creamy hoo-hoo, and it was a taste explosion” (great one, by the way) into regular language again.
I did once read a book in which the hero discovered the heroine was a slut because she had an orgasm. I believe he slept with her (best friend of his little sister) while she was underage, and when she climaxed he knew for ever and always she was the biggest whore he’s ever met. I mean, WTF!? Sure, it all worked out in the end, but seriously?
Nanna said, (great one, by the way)
Thanks! You’ll be glad to know I recovered from Purple Prose Fever and went on to write some good stuff this weekend, sans spewing manroots and throbbing love caves.
I’m particularly proud of this bit:
<objects. That would actually give him some hope that there was something left worth fighting for, but instead there was only silence and distance, the cool spread of Egyptian cotton sheets between them, two separate objects that never tried to occupy the same space.
So I withdraw my charge that you bitches have ruined me. You just crack my shit up.
Hey, has anyone come up with a description they like?? When I started thinking about this, I realized how 1) I am so uninterested in that final moment in Romance, as opposed to all the stuff that leads up to it, and 2) how few examples or bad or good prose I could remember off the top of my head. And even when I went searching for good examples in some of my favorite books—Black Silk, Untie My Heart, Pure Sin, any Emma Holly book, etc.—that final ‘splosion is often sort of glossed over, passed over, and generally more anti-climactic than the actual event. So, how about great descriptions—any comers (yeah, I know, groan away)?
I can’t think of any good descriptions offhand, though the simplest are usually the least distracting. But I ran across another humdinger in an excerpt for a recent release:
“Lightning bolts pierced her body and joined her to him, a powerful wave
of desire sweeping over her. Her body was on fire and the explosive kiss seemed to go on and on until it sucked every bit of breath from her. She felt as if his lips, ravenous and demanding, were stamping her
with his brand. Whatever brains she had left liquefied and drained down
to her feet.”
Not only does it short out her nervous system, collapse her lungs, and brand her carcass, it melts her brains out. And this is the first kiss. I wouldn’t go near the rest of the book or her boyfriend with a surge suppressor.
But the author may have discovered the cause of human spontaneous combustion: Incendiary ranchers.
Mmmmmmmm…. ranchers.
A teensy bit off topic, but I’m tired of reading about aching nipples. Aching nipples that are painful, they’re so full of lurve for the hero. My nipples ache when I go for a jog and haven’t worn a good bra. That’s an ache. The otha—that’s more of a nice sensation. I mean, come on.
Globes for breasts or backside – they’re not round, they’re hemispheres, or ellipses, or something, but they’re not round.
Cream – Is there a doctor in the house? And once, I read “frothing cream.” Yuk.
Lave – it just means wash. You can lave your hands, your feet or anywhere in between. It’s such a weird word. Old fashioned and it tends to make me stop and go “huh?”
But we all have our pet hates and likes and especially with sex scenes. What’s the poor writer to do?
ROFLMAO!!! SNERT! Damn there goes my diet coke on the keyboard!
My husband, a gamer, just suggested “his war troll sundered her gates and laid waste to her populace.” With apologies to Tolkien.
Julianna, that begs “she rode his rocket, and he p0wned all her base”
LOL
Nora Roberts (or somebody who wants to be her) quoted this cringeworthy gem:
“His pendulous orbs ejaculated hallelujas to a primeval god.â€
Good Mother Almighty, God! Was that thankfully unpublished ms written by Jim Theis, by any chance?