In this week’s cover snark, we bash THE GAYS!

We all seem to have homogaiety on the mind lately, and my thoughts have turned to gay romance, so I’ve looked up quite a few on-line. A lot of the covers are kinda hot—two hot men embracing, looking like they’re about to kiss? Ohgodyessss.

But some of them? Not hot. In fact, so very, very not-hot, they just about kill my desire live, much less any sort of desire to partake in hot gayboy ackshun.

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Candy: “Honey, I hope you don’t think it’s anything personal when I unhinge my jaw and SWALLOW YOUR HEAD.”

“Not if I get to you first, sillybuns!”

*gloorphgooomphummmmffmrrgblargrrrglurk*

Sarah: There is nothing more all-American than two gay men exploring the romantic crevices. Of each other’s tonsils.

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Candy: Apparently, the thing the blond freak loves is a pasty pagan afflicted with cerebral palsy. And the thing the dark-haired chump loves is a limp-haired Miami Vice fanboy who would die rather than give up his Botox treatments.

Sarah: Someone threw Crockett in the laundry with a red sock, but only his hair and his lips turned pink, lucky man.

But I agree with the expression of horror on his Deiter-friend’s face. Yeesh.

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Candy: OK, so this book isn’t strictly a romance—from the description, it sounds a lot more like a fantasy novel with surrealist overtones. But I just couldn’t resist. Dude, the guy on the far right looks like Legolas in Huggy Bear Drag. I mean, look. There’s Gimli down in the corner, weeping over his lost love. It’s not just awful, it’s pseudo-slashy awful! The Crayola on Crack look to the whole thing is just icing on the cake.

Sarah: Not only is there, as Candy says, a Crayola-esque homoeroticism about the whole thing, but check out Legolas in red. He has ONE GIANT BREAST. That right there is the epitome of “Man. Titty.”

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    Oh, for the Love of Gawd, The Thing He Loves is written by Emily Veinglory. Veinglory! Because if there’s anything more gloriously sexy than cock, it’s veiny cock.

  2. 2
    Ann Aguirre says:

    Oh God.

    Cover 1 – looks like they had two very NOT GAY models who were about to spring apart ferociously wiping their mouths and going, “Ew ew ew ew! I’m firing my fucking agent!”

    Cover 2 – The thing he loves is cock but Senor Blacksweater needs to do some neck rolls before he sets to. Otherwise he’s never going to have the staying power to please his pasty paramour.

    Cover 3 – Gay Twiggy dolls, rendered in ersatz Impressionist style, a la fingerpaints in a mental institution. Nuf said.

  3. 3
    R*Belle says:

    There is really nothing that I can add to your fabulously apt breakdown.  However, the top cover reminded me of this boy in high school that noone would date due to his nickname “The Hoover” for his very strange sucking action while kissing.

  4. 4
    jmc says:

    My first thought when looking at The Thing He Loves was “WTF?  What’s poking out of the front of his pants?  That is just abnormal.”  Then I wondered what was in his hand.  Then -duh, I’m slow- I realized that was part of the book the twitchy dark haired dude was holding up.

  5. 5
    Miri says:

    Oh Jeez! The First one gave me such a flash back to the one boyfriend who could not kiss! Glaaak!!

    Sarah: “Someone threw Crockett in the laundry with a red sock…” I think i ruptured somfing…

  6. 6
    Tonda/Kalen says:

    Wrong . . . so wrong. And yet, so fuckin funny.

  7. 7
    DebR says:

    I don’t think those guys in the first cover are kissing at all. I think the guy on the left is unconscious and the guy on the right is holding him up by his collar while he rips the tongue out of his mouth and swallows it. Just sayin’…

  8. 8

    Could Deiter on The Thing He Loves look a little more physically abused? Me thinks not. He looks like he’s protecting himself from a titty twister. “Ow, ow, ow, ow. Stop!”

  9. 9
    Carrie Lofty says:

    A lot of the covers are kinda hot—two hot men embracing, looking like they’re about to kiss? Ohgodyessss. 

    For the uninitiated among us, can we beg a post featuring the BEST gay covers?  I know you posted a few months back about great covers in general, so this would be like Hot Covers: Gay Edition.  I have no time to browse for myself, but that would make my evening!

  10. 10
    Jennie says:

    At least we now know that bad covers exist in *every* realm of romance.  :-)

  11. 11

    I feel much better now that we’re giving equal snark time to the same sex crowd.  Why should all the breeders be stuck with the bad covers?

  12. 12
    Victoria Dahl says:

    For the uninitiated among us, can we beg a post featuring the BEST gay covers?

    LovelySalome, I think that’s a GREAT idea. Because the only other gay cover I can think of is the one with the elephantitis guy. *shudder* Please. Cleanse my eyeballs with some same-sex hotties.

  13. 13
    Zoe Archer says:

    I third the suggestion for posting good gay romance covers.  My husband and I (yeah, I’m a breeder…kind of) were talking about whether or not there were gay romance novels, and I’d love too see what’s out there.

    Or, to quote Stephen Colbert as Samuel L. Jackson, “I’m in love with a mother f**king snake!”

  14. 14
    Ursula says:

    I’m sending you guys the bill to fix the computer after I spit my coffee all over it.  Between the Miami vice, palid pagan references and Huggy Bear parallels, you guys did me in again. Thank the many Gods of Snark no cover will ever again be out of bounds for the Bitchery.

  15. 15
    J-me says:

    Maybe I’ve been watching too many X-files reruns but the it looks like a blonde David Duchovny on ‘The Thing He Love.’ And the Dark haired dude is looking more and more like Zoolander.
    I think it’s time to go to the bookstore.

  16. 16
    Amy E says:

    Aaaaaahahahahaha!  Hahahahahaha!  I wish I could say I’d forgotten about the testicular elephantitis cover, but some things you never forget.  Aaaahahaha!!!

    On that first cover, they just look so fucking ANGRY.  “I’m not just gonna kiss you, I’m gonna EAT YOUR GODDAM MOUTH OFF, bastard!”  So if you want a really hot gay kiss, apparently you have to invoke a murderous rage in your partner.  Wow, romantic. 

    And I’d also like to see a round-up of gorgeous gay covers.  Stephanie Vaughn has some really great ones at Loose-id.

  17. 17
    DebH says:

    Well I think it’s just lovely that art departments all over publishing-land are so very open-minded.  They give the same lack of care and attention to gay romances as to straight ones.  Isn’t equality beautiful?  I think I may cry…..

  18. 18
    Lia says:

    I don’t think the lissome lad in red has one giant titty, I think he’s preggers.  Eeek.

    There’s a not-half-bad cover at

    lindenbayromance . com/product_details.php?product_id=92

    (spaces before dot-com).  It looks like someone went berserk with the fog machine but those are human beings with relatively normal proportions.  This is the publisher’s only gay romance, which may account for how discreet the pose is.

  19. 19
    Nicolette says:

    On Nothing Personal, I can’t decide if the guy on the right looks more like Simon Cowell, or George Michael. But it can’t be GM ‘cause I don’t see a rest stop or bushes.

    I agree with j-me that they just tossed a blond wig on David Duchovny on the cover of Thing.

    Calen-whatever features the Nelson Twins. You remember: I can’t live without your loving infection…what do you mean those aren’t the words?

  20. 20
    Lorelie says:

    Bwahahahaha!!

    Glad to see I’m not the only one reminded of an ex-boyfriend by the first picture.  Flashbacks are horrible, frightening things.  I also agree with j-me and Nicolette that the blond looks like David Duchovny.  Except I think they gave him collagen lip injections to go with the Botox.

  21. 21
    Samantha says:

    Wow Kato Kaelin got a job as a cover model! Who knew?

    That IS him and his ya know…“thing” isn’t it?

    You’d think he’d have changed his hair by now.

  22. 22
    Madd says:

    Oh, dear goodness … if there is anything that could put a girl off a little man on man action … these covers might just be it. Eeech.

    I too vote for a showing of good covers. I think we need it to heal the wounds of the tragedy that is The Thing He Loves … *sniffle*

  23. 23
    Trisha says:

    After seeing these covers, I had to go and look at some *hot* covers.  I haven’t actually read any m/m romances, but there are some great manga-influenced covers out there.  Like this one at http://annecain.livejournal.com/2598.html
    Unfortunately, the book isn’t available anymore.  But you can still drool over the cover! 

    I also like the cover for Evangeline Anderson’s The Assignmenthttp://www.loose-id.net/detail.aspx?ID=210

  24. 24
    CindyS says:

    I’m another that would like to see some great covers!

    Trisha – since I like older men I find the men on the first cover to be too young for me.  Now, the second cover?  Yeah, that’s good ;)

    Samantha – Kato Kaelin!?  Now I’m terrified of that cover!

    CindyS

  25. 25
    Lauri "Bo Peep" Doublevie says:

    The guy in white on the second cover looks like Billy Idol (note the Elvis Presley-esque lip snarl) with Rod Stewart’s hair.

  26. 26
    Carrie Lofty says:

    An example of a hot cover that caught my eye at Borders this summer:  here.  The novel is about a character who hides a Jew in a basement for two years during WWII and has a torrid, sorta sick affair with him in the process (not nearly as erotic as it could have been).  However, the gender of the narrator is never revealed.  The cover, if you notice, is rather ambiguous in that the figure on the right might be male or female.  But I think he was a male, hence… Hot Covers: Gay Edition.  My review of the book, if interested, is here.

  27. 27
    AngieZ says:

    Mr Miami Vice Guy reminds me of Chris Kattan—he was the actor who Mr. Peepers from Saturday Night Live a few years ago?

  28. 28
    Wry Hag says:

    I think Edvard Munch would be envious of that last one, to tell you the truth.

  29. 29
    dillene says:

    I’m pretty sure that’s John Leguizamo on the right-hand side of the first cover.

  30. 30
    Helen says:

    Seeing as I cannot help but clicky the linkies, ever (and am still twitching because of learning more than I ever needed to know about woman and boar / dog rutting), I went to go see the cover of The Assignment. Serously hawt. Read the blurb, started to think I’d really enjoy this book…until the last line. An ‘infamous gay resort’, I have no problems with, but jay-sus, it’s called the RamJack. I’m dying here. Plus I’ve got to go find some tissue to clean up the diet coke all over the desk.

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