Brandewyne: The Bonus (Covers) Round

That’s right! More lush, buxom covers from the art department assigned to the first edition paperback issues of Rebecca Brandewyne’s romance novels!

Sarah: Lucky Angelina Jolie. Before Billy Bob, before Brad, there was Bodacious Man Titty with Bonus Mullet. They’re aimed right at her throat too. Hope he’s not carrying concealed.

Candy: [insert Friends of Dorothy joke here, because so many are jamming my brain right now I can’t even stand it]

Sarah: The dude looks like my husband’s uncle. The lady looks ridiculous in her coiffure and her alarming cleavage that reaches clear up to her clavicle. And the setting looks like he’s about to toss her off a cliff, or clear across that starlit sea.

Candy: Man! Have you seen people with bitchier expressions? Between that and their 80s Hair, those two look like they belong in Dynasty, or Dallas, plotting the downfalls of their even more ridiculously-coiffed brethren. “Baby, let’s kill Sue Ellen and make a run for Acapulco—and none of that ‘oh it was all just a dream’ crap, either.” “Honey, you get me SO HOT when you’re talking murder one.”

Huh, actually, the dude looks kind of like Patrick Duffy.


Sarah: I’m going to hell for saying this, but do you think her name is Sue Nami?

Because they’re about to get very, very wet, judging by the height of the horizon.

Candy: How To Tell You’re Dating a Mannequin:

1. He’s silky-smooth all the time without the benefit of a razor or body wax.

2. His hair is the same color as his skin and has all the touchable softness of a sheet of linoleum.

3. Genitals smell weirdly like plastic.

Sarah: International flavor! Purpurbluten! Think that translates to “moustached man loves masculine back musculature?”

Candy: That leaf coyly hiding the woman’s nipple is killing me. Killing. Me. It’s all “Oh, I know, they look like they’re going to fall on the floor and fuck like crazed weasels any second now, but modesty must be preserved, damn you—so I offer my paltry services in covering the nippage. Think of the children. Won’t anyone think of the children?”

Know what else is killing me? The day-glo color scheme. What the hell? Did the publishers reckon that German romance readers are color blind?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    kate r says:

    is that a desalvo in number one?

  2. 2
    Rosie says:

    You had me at “Sue Nami”!!!

  3. 3
    Jenn on the Island says:

    A later release of Swan Road is one of my fave covers of all time.
    The setback is of a bare chested, long haired man with a huge moustache and really, really, really tight pants. ;)

  4. 4
    MelissaP says:

    Rainbow’s End: A story between a woman, a man, and his Leprechaun lover.

    Across a Starlit Sea:  Girl looks like a cross between Andi McDowell and Rebecca Gayheart.

    Swan Road:  Actually subtle for the time period.

    German Cover:  MY EYES!!!  Those leaves also look like they will stab the couple through their craniums.

  5. 5
    E.D'Trix says:

    Rainbow’s End—The zone between woman bosom and man tit is oddly blurred and horrifying—as though globs of candle wax have shaped and formed their chests. And is his skirt formed of a tree skirt embellished with holly berries?

    Across a Starlit Sea—C’mon ladies, who *wouldn’t* want a man who could crap pink hibiscus flowers?

    Swan Road—I have a very hard time believing his carpet matches the drapes.

    Purpurbluten—(Man, I wish more books had sweet titles like this.) I agree, her back is very disturbing, but even more horrifying is her squat, bulbous, and way too twisty neck. Methinks “purpurbluten” is german for “necrophilia among the leaves”.

  6. 6
    Wry Hag says:

    Y’know, I still gotta say these covers beat ass out of those nightmare-inducing poser covers.  So what if there’s a Communion wafer rising like a conscience in the background?  So what if women grimace uncontrollably while wearing diaphonaus gowns in inappropriate settings and men flaunt their titties?  At least those images won’t usurp the horror of that deer slamming into my car this afternoon.  At least they’re more like rainbowy LSD flashbacks than like slime creatures crawling out of caves.

  7. 7

    *spew* Sue Nami.


  8. 8
    Ann Aguirre says:

    Purpurbluten –  the chick is totally a tranny.

  9. 9
    Carrie Lofty says:

    Purpurblüten = Purple Blossom.  Is that a euphemism for female naughty bits? 

    And Anglohubby is colorblind – he says the leaves and flowers all looks the same to him.  So that evil day-glo color scheme must have been intended to blind the rest of us to the horrors of that poor German bitch’s neck!  Ouch!!

  10. 10
    Ann Aguirre says:

    English Mill Press

    I’m wondering if an English Mill is a novel-writing sweatshop, where they chain authors to their keyboards and don’t let them eat or sleep until they produce, no matter how horrendous it is.

  11. 11
    Jaci Burton says:

    Purplebluten: What is Rock Hudson doing to that poor woman?

    Other than totally faking it, of course

  12. 12
    Lauri "Bo Peep" Doublevie says:

    I’m wondering if an English Mill is a novel-writing sweatshop, where they chain authors to their keyboards and don’t let them eat or sleep until they produce, no matter how horrendous it is.

    I thought that was how the Harlequin publishing company worked.

    Anyway, here are my less-than-funny takes on the covers:

    Rainbow’s End: The guy looks like a beefed-up Brad Garrett (that really tall guy with the deep voice who was on Everybody Loves Raymond and will be on this new FOX sitcom). The girl doesn’t look like Angelina Jolie to me (Jolie’s prettier). The girl looks like that kind of woman who reads romance novels religiously and fantasizes about being swept off her feet by the hero at her secretary’s desk at work, when really she’s face down at her desk with two fingers up her skirt and rubbing herself while her boss is knocking at the door, yelling that he needs her to take dictation and whatever she’s currently doing can wait.

    Across A Starlit Sea: The guy looks more like Alan Thicke than Patrick Duffy and the woman looks like she’s going to scream, “Rape!” and “No Means No!” in about five seconds.

    Swan Road: I don’t get the appeal of couples making love either in the ocean, on the sand of a virgin beach, in a public restroom, or in the forest. Considering what kinds of creepy-crawly things can get up in your orifices and create a momentarily pleasurable, but ultimately disgusting moment, I find making love in those places a total turnoff.

    BTW, the “Sue Nami” crack was funny, yet un-PC. Good job!

    The German one: Since when is Jeff Foxworthy making love to a drag queen impersonating Carmen Miranda sexy?

  13. 13
    SandyO says:

    Oh man, the dude in Rainbow’s End is sooo Brad Garrett.  Can’t you just hear the exclusive on Entertainment Tonight?  The dirty little secret that Brad has kept for all these years.  Years ago he was a male model for romance novels and had surgically implanted man titties.

  14. 14
    Amy E says:

    Had to look at Swan Road five times before I actually noticed his hand was ON her thigh.  Thought Vin L. McPlastic was totally grabbing a handful of beaver there.

  15. 15
    Miri says:

    Dude! DeSalvo is just after her Lucky Charms!

  16. 16
    Susan says:

    I so thought he looked like patric duffy too and the german one the guy looks like the guy from that 80’s tv show matt houston.

    Weird how similar our thinking becomes. OR maybe we just watched too much TV in the 80’s.

  17. 17
    thera says:

    When I get momentarily blinded by covers like this I really appreciate those pastorial covers with the clinches on the inside where I can look at if I want to instead of every time I pick up the book.  Am I wrong in thinking most of these publishing companies are run by men and they “think” this is what romance readers want.  If I read Rebecca Brandewyne I would put them in my shopping cart or carry them face down so nobody I knew and especially not strangers could see what I was buying.  Just as bad are those Harlequin covers with the babies on them.  Amazing what publishers “think” people will be attracted to.  Final point made a million times:  The models on the covers never look like the people in the books.  Do the “artist” not read the books or get a description?

  18. 18
    Waterhouse says:

    Is it just me, or does that guy on the cover of Across A Starlit Sea look like Dr. Who?

  19. 19
    Ann Aguirre says:

    I can’t help wondering if the brunette on the cover of Swan Road knows that her man is only using her to see more of her brother, Troy.

  20. 20
    Dharma in the Falls says:

    ummmm….the dude on the Swan Road cover….anyone else see this as a shameless attempt by the illustrator to channel Sonny Crockett (Miami Vice)????

  21. 21
    overneath says:

    I’m still wondering which one is “Lush” and which “Buxom” … on a lot of these covers, it could be either one or both!

  22. 22
    Helen says:

    Is it just me, or does that guy on the cover of Across A Starlit Sea look like Dr. Who?

    Which Dr. Who? Surely not the newest (10th) one, David Tennant! He’s much scrummier than that.

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