Americana Covers

It’s the birthday of America, the 230’th birthday to be specific, so let’s have some Americana themed covers, from war heroes to military men. 

image

Sarah: Who knew that the US Military paid for man-titty augmentation surgery? How lovingly she removes his bandages.

Candy: Those Mom Jeans the woman is wearing are the only things more traumatic to my poor retinas than the stretch-marks on the hero’s man-titty.

image

Sarah: Wow. The powerhouse trifecta of romance covers: mullet? Check! Mega DeSalvo Man Titty? Check? A heroine who farts roses? Check! Check! Check!

Candy: Why do so many male cover models find the noses and chins of the female models so endlessly fascinating? Especially when most of ‘em ar just about ready to fall out of their dresses.

It makes one wonder, is all.

image

Sarah: Not only are her arms and neck abnormally long, but he’s practically lost his balance trying to hold her upright. What in the world happened- maybe they were sniffing something, and I’m not talking about the flowers, either.

Candy: This cover gets a Greasy Mustache Rating (GMR) of four out of a possible five. A cover model should never make me want to bust out a washcloth and scrub the everloving hell out of his face.

image

Sarah: It’s a Fourth of July Romance Cover Cliche-o-Rama! Streaming hair, miraculously devoid of any snarls or tangles. Long flowing skirt YET a hint of leg showing – and a slender, hairless leg it is, too. Peculiar 80’s-esque employment of feminine cosmetics, from hot pink Cheekers blush to Bonne Bell Lip Smackers (I bet she even smells like Love’s Baby Soft.) For him – a mullet, a uniform, and and a look of agony somewhere between delayed orgasm and blueballs. And, of course – a pose that somehow defies all known understanding of gravity. Happy day indeed – they are declaring their independence from the laws of physics!

Candy: If she stands up too abruptly, I think she’ll find herself declaring freedom from her bodice and dress, because it sure looks like his big, fat, booted foot is stepping right on her skirts.

Frankly, I’d love to see publishers use this Fourth of July as an opportunity to declare independence from mullets, aqua and pink eyeshadow and greasy perms. But I’m not holding my breath.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    kate r says:

    God bless America and our freedom to buy books with truly tacky, bosom-heaving covers.

  2. 2
    Beth says:

    What I’m most concerned about is that…thing on the cover of Night Song. You know, that thing in the space to the right of the woman’s left elbow?

    Is that a two-headed horse? A horse giving birth? I’m just a little bit frightened…

  3. 3
    KariBelle says:

    #4 Is that David Copperfield?  Maybe they are levitating and this stepback is actually recreated from a photo of a 1980’s TV special….Well it is a thought.

  4. 4
    Abby says:

    I think the final cover is from the inside of one of Heather Graham’s civil war books??  Maybe?  I’m having flashbacks to the “One Wore (insert apropriate color here)” series.

  5. 5

    It’s very early in the morning and I haven’t had any coffee yet. Which might explain why I briefly read it as “Porn Star”, not “Lone Star”.

    Woke me up, at least.

  6. 6
    Dechant says:

    How is the woman in pink even showing any leg? Civil War dresses had crinolines and petticoats like one wouldn’t believe. For it to be poofing out at all, there’s some serious underpinnings the cover artist just blithely ignores…

  7. 7

    Or, Havoc, there is some serious poofing going on under that skirt.

  8. 8

    And speaking of “Mom Jeans”, anyone seen the ads for, I swear I’m not making this up, “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans”?  I think they saw the “Mom Jeans” spoof and thought it was real.

  9. 9
    Kaite says:

    Isn’t the dude from “Night Song” the cop guy from the Village People? He really needs to shave that thing off his face, though. It’s kinda creeping me out.

    And I think the horsie got a backcomb on its tail. That’s why it’s all poufy like that. Man, I’d hate to have to get the snarls out of that mess. :-)

  10. 10
    Miss Marnie says:

    And speaking of “Mom Jeans”, anyone seen the ads for, I swear I’m not making this up, “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans”?  I think they saw the “Mom Jeans” spoof and thought it was real.

    That’s the beauty of SNL’s fake commercials (at least the ones that are filmed and not done live in the studio)—remember the one with Sam Waterson (sp?) and the robot insurance?

    Anyway, back to cover snarking

    The first one: The woman looks like a redheaded Drew Barrymore and is probably underaged. The man looks like Matt Dillon (only not as good-looking) and looks as if he just came from pec implant surgery instead of fighting a battle.

    The second one: Really nothing here of note that the SBs haven’t already said, but the woman looks like she’s already in the throes of passion and the guy hasn’t done anything.

    The third one: The black chick looks anorexic and the black guy does look like the cop from the Village People. I once took this cover and with the help of PhotoShop, I renamed the book, “All Up In Dat Booty: A Ghetto Love Story”. The horse does look like he has two heads. On the plus side, I do like that they actually have a historical romance with two black people.

    The last one: Who wants to bet that the guy in the uniform isn’t a soldier and he’s only using it (and roofies) to score with chicks, like the half-conscious broad shown in the picture.

  11. 11
    Suisan says:

    The covers are great, but the Mom Jeans just killed me.

    This is how sad my life as a Mom has become: I don’t even stay up to watch SNL anymore.

    I used to be hip, I swear. No, really.

  12. 12
  13. 13
    Susan says:

    Didn’t I see the couple on the lone star cover on Dancing with celebrities?
    Now if I could just remember who they are. hmmm…

  14. 14
    Ostrea says:

    The woman looks like a redheaded Drew Barrymore

    I thought she looked like Madeline Kahn.

  15. 15
    Kevin says:

    I don’t think that’s her leg sticking out there.  I think some poor woman got caught in her dress and the couple was floating by.

  16. 16
    MelissaP says:

    I think the dude on Night Song grew the ‘stache in honor of his idol, Billy Dee Williams.  He failed miserably.  Coltt 45 anyone?

  17. 17
    Dee says:

    Are these book covers from the 1980’s?

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top