It’s the birthday of America, the 230’th birthday to be specific, so let’s have some Americana themed covers, from war heroes to military men.
Sarah: Who knew that the US Military paid for man-titty augmentation surgery? How lovingly she removes his bandages.
Candy: Those Mom Jeans the woman is wearing are the only things more traumatic to my poor retinas than the stretch-marks on the hero’s man-titty.
Sarah: Wow. The powerhouse trifecta of romance covers: mullet? Check! Mega DeSalvo Man Titty? Check? A heroine who farts roses? Check! Check! Check!
Candy: Why do so many male cover models find the noses and chins of the female models so endlessly fascinating? Especially when most of ‘em ar just about ready to fall out of their dresses.
It makes one wonder, is all.
Sarah: Not only are her arms and neck abnormally long, but he’s practically lost his balance trying to hold her upright. What in the world happened- maybe they were sniffing something, and I’m not talking about the flowers, either.
Candy: This cover gets a Greasy Mustache Rating (GMR) of four out of a possible five. A cover model should never make me want to bust out a washcloth and scrub the everloving hell out of his face.
Sarah: It’s a Fourth of July Romance Cover Cliche-o-Rama! Streaming hair, miraculously devoid of any snarls or tangles. Long flowing skirt YET a hint of leg showing – and a slender, hairless leg it is, too. Peculiar 80’s-esque employment of feminine cosmetics, from hot pink Cheekers blush to Bonne Bell Lip Smackers (I bet she even smells like Love’s Baby Soft.) For him – a mullet, a uniform, and and a look of agony somewhere between delayed orgasm and blueballs. And, of course – a pose that somehow defies all known understanding of gravity. Happy day indeed – they are declaring their independence from the laws of physics!
Candy: If she stands up too abruptly, I think she’ll find herself declaring freedom from her bodice and dress, because it sure looks like his big, fat, booted foot is stepping right on her skirts.
Frankly, I’d love to see publishers use this Fourth of July as an opportunity to declare independence from mullets, aqua and pink eyeshadow and greasy perms. But I’m not holding my breath.