So kind of y’all to share. No, really. We appreciate it. And so do our opthamologists, whose children we are now putting through college, Master’s and PhD programs from now until eternity, due to the multiple eye transplants we’ve tried in our efforts to erase these images from our retinas.
Unfortunately, the images, they stick like the glue.
Sarah: I’d like a veil. A thick one. To cover my eyes. I’m assuming from the big teeth he’s a vampire (surprise!) but dude looks dumb. Anyone who looks like that misses creepy by a mile and lands somewhere in the vicinity of, “Duuuuuuh.”
And also, it’s unfortunate that the first two initials of the author’s name pretty much sum up the cover art efforts on this one.
Candy: Damn, where’d they get this guy? Did they thaw him out from your friendly neighborhood glacier?
It’s also somewhat scary to know that vampires were already around when hominids were just barely starting to walk upright.
Sarah: Half wet-tshirt contest, half episode of “Dancing with the Stars” gone horribly wrong.
And also, she has no nipples.
Candy: Those are some weirdly squished-down breastables. That must be the Sports Bra from Hell she has on.
The dude looks like he’s detected some funky belly button lint. He’s seconds away from saying “Daaaamn, girl, you smell just like Limburger.”
Sarah: OK, there has been some nipple thiefing going on here, because the lady here, she has no nipples either. She has some kind of a rash though, and that’s not surprising, now, is it?
But that’s the least of her problems, considering that she’s supposed to be between the captains, but they look more intent on doing it with each other and leaving her out of the bumpy entirely.
Perhaps it is because the length of her neck makes them feel sexually inadequate.
Candy: Oh, Sarah, what makes you think this one’s genetically female? I’m just saying that if the two boys reach up any further, they might find a surprise.
And the two captains? Totally gay. I mean, look at the way they’re peering at her (his?) armpit. They’re all, “Bitch must wax! No way she can get this smooth with a razor.”
What’s with the teenage heads in the last one? Sprinkle of chest hair aside, the blonde captain is 12.
Squicky.
The dude looks like he’s detected some funky belly button lint. He’s seconds away from saying “Daaaamn, girl, you smell just like Limburger.â€
😆
Y’all crack me up
Gah. When I first laid eyes on Between, I swear I saw a three armed, double torso’d chick, er, thing. Holding her own hand. Like a sex-slave cloning project gone horribly awry.
When seen that way, da boys appear to be stymied in the process of trying to sort the various parts out while lifting her from the Clone-O-Vat.
“Crap, dude, she’s got an extra arm. We’ll have to cycle her and start over again…here, hold her leg while I lift up on her arm and…ick, she’s still slippery from the natal tank fluids. Gross.”
The Between chick appears to have two sets of breasts. Or extra body fat squoze up in that corset or something. Which would also explain why she looks like she’s gonna barf.
Dear Art Department:
Please stop creating these computer-generated covers. They always look like Sims Gone Wild and the proportions are always wonky. They are abominations to both novels and art.
Sincerely,
Sphinx
Between Two Captains…..would that be captains of the high football team they look like kids.
ohhhh…..that’s way sexy – NOT!
oops. High School football team is what I meant to write.
Is it wrong that when I look at Betweenie Girl’s loooong neck, I’m reminded of that kids film, The Land Before Time?
Also, blond high school football team captain has some icky skin something happening on his torso.
Bad as these are, I have one that’s worse: Rogue ‘by’ Fabio. It’s a long story, but basically I parted with money for this monstrosity from a used book shop not in the hopes of discovering a hidden literary gem, but because I just had to scan and email the cover art to some friends. The files are too big to email to Candy and Sarah though, so I’m just going to have to describe it.
My reaction went something like this:
1) Oh, a book ‘by’ Fabio. How fabulous. I bet it’s hilariously bad. Must. Resist. Taking it. Off shelf. In front. Of people I know…..too late!
2) Front cover: meh, so far so man titty. Fabio with flowing black hair, unfastened shirt still tucked into too tight trousers, curious lack of background/setting – you know the drill.
3) Back cover: Okay, cringe worthy ‘letter from hero’ (whose name is Ryder Remington. Really.) Particularly bad specimen, but nothing I can’t cope with.
4) What’s this? A folded-over step back inside the front cover? With a ‘handwritten’ note from the Fabulousness (‘Think of me Only-Fabio’)? What wonders will be revealed when I unfold it?
5) Oh sweet innocent fluffy bunnies and candyfloss, my eyes MY EYES. It’s a photo approximately twice the width of the book of a blond Fabio reclining (somewhat uncomfortably from the looks of it) on some sloping slab of rock dressed only in a yellow loin cloth. With completely hairless chest and arms, but really quite hairy legs (points for consistency with other Fabio covers the Sarah and Candy have shared with us).
It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and I’m going to send it as a ‘open me only once your plane has taken off’-present to a friend who’s flying to Australia next week.
Oh man, LOL. I’m with Soni. I thought the chick in “Between” had four arms. I wasn’t sure if I was looking at Sci Fi or romance.
I love this section. And Helen, I totally cracked up.
If that chick’s wig on The Veil slips any farther back on her head, everyone will find out she’s the Borg Queen.
Between the two of them, they have a normal hairline.
The “Between” cover was so painfully bad I had to look away.
And Helen? I’ve been on that flight to Australia. Your friend may never forgive you if she has that image seared into her brain while she’s trapped over the Pacific.
Her neck is freaking me out. Does she have Inspector Gadget-like skills?
I remember the pull-out photo from Rogue that Helen mentioned, but I can’t find it online. It is gratuitous and evil.
I can, however, share this little gem: The International Fabio Fan Club’s Fabio Bookcover List! Smart Bitches, you’ve got fodder here for endless posts about pictorial (pectoral?) atrocities against fiction.
Not that you seem to be lacking in fodder. This week’s selections are wretched!
And people think all Romance covers are the same. . .
On the first cover, Jim Carrey should sue the artist because that’s his head from “Dumb and Dumber” with teeth added. I can just hear him (in character) saying, “I like you—I like you a lot,” with a vacant look in his eyes and drool pooling out of the side of his mouth.
On the second cover, the heroine looks like she’s in pain from the guy rubbing his face against the psoriasis ridden skin hidden underneath her wet t-shirt.
On the third cover, it looks like the heroine’s head is growing out of Mr. Gay Captain Number’s Two’s shoulder. In fact, I’d say this isn’t three bodies but rather just two in a clutch with one of them being a strange male-female siamese twin. Her twin is gripping her hand, too, because the naughty girl left nasty scratches on poor Mr. Gay Boy Captain Number One’s side.
Darlene, it’s worse than you think (maybe) – she’s flying Heathrow-Sydney. Yep, that’s just about an entire day with Fabio. Cue evil laughter. I have been having second thoughts about sending it to her though – what if she *gasp* leaves this gem in Oz? I’ve gotten kind of fond of the reaction I get when I show it to people…
Salome – I found that website too, trying to find a scan of the photo to link to, but then my comp froze, and after sorting it myself I decided not to tempt fate by finding it again to post the link here. Didn’t fancy having to explain to the campus techies that I was abusing computing servise privileges by looking up Fabio bookcovers, not doing dissertation research!
Maybe a disseratation about the medical effects of Fabio on the populace – for good or for ill?
I thought the girl had THREE boobs when I first looked at the “Between” cover. Then I realized it was her shoulder. The digital artist needs to cut yoga class and maybe go to a few anatomy courses.
Between Girl Looks like she’s passed out. Roofie Girl stikes again. And I think Blond Captain is Zachary Ty Bryan. Child stars have it rough after the show ends.
Intent to Seduce, or Intent to Devour? I think he’s going for her liver. Without fava beans.
The Veil people just look like they’re waiting for a bus or something. Damn that 3:20, it’s always late, and I get stuck standing here with some refugee from Deliverance.
Oh dear. With the last one, I thought the title read: Between Two Captions and I was wondering what captions??
Also, now that I look at it more closely, the blond “captain’s” hair is parted halfway down the side of his head. He looks a little young for a combover.
Why do people use these Sims covers? Wouldn’t it be easier to use a non-human image to hint at the story inside? Maybe a flower being menaced between two football helmets or something?
That third one is highly disturbing on far, far too many counts.
Speaking of scary covers, I saw a couple of covers over on Postmodern Barney the other day that, while not technically romance, are amazingly suggestive. Naturally, I instantly thought of this place.
I’ve had a rough morning, so thank you for bring a smile to my face.
I think the chick-thing being squished between the two captains DOES have nipples, they’re just oddly flesh-toned. Either that, or she’s got some weird needle-tipped boobies.
That last cover is a doozie. My first reaction: GAAAH she has too many arms!
Then: GAAAAAAAH that’s his arm, he’s dislocated his damn shoulder, else it’s a creeping arm with a mind of his own!
Then: Oh. There’s some other dude there. Wonder if the book has any DP?
But I think y’all are right about which way those dudes swinging. There’s only one penetration going on, and I think she’s just there to do some tea-bagging.
If “between” is anything like the other book by that author I had the misfortune of reading, the cover is the best thing about the book.