Candy and I got an email from a blogger who is doing her own survey of the best work of fiction in the last 25 years, and while we were honored to be asked and are trying to come up with a response, both of us kinda went, all intelligent-like, “Uhhhhh…. ummmm. Yeah.”
We’re all erudite and shit, huh?
But it also got us a-thinkin’ – which is often dangerous – about the opposite: what’s the WORST piece of fiction in the past 25 years, specifically romance fiction? What’s the worst romance you have ever freaking read? We have asked this question before, but let’s revisit now that we have a much larger and much more eager-to-vent readership: what’s your “F” book, a romance so bad that you forever judge all other bad romances against it?
And while we’re at it, what’s the worst piece of fiction, non-romance, that you’ve ever encountered?
For me: worst romance, and I’ve said this before, Honey Moon by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. For Candy: Desire’s Blossom by Cassie Edwards. And every time I see that title, I think it’s some gnarly euphamism for vagina, and that’s just sad.
Sensation, By Thea Devine. Didn’t even have to think about it.
Tough question. What do you mean by bad romance? A book so awfully written that your eyes aches just staring at the pages? Or a book with such a terrible plot and characters that it makes you grateful to be who you are—complete with your old routine, the five pounds you’d rather weren’t spoiling the line of you hips and the boyfriend would once forgot your birthday?
Or maybe the book would have to be both so that it can truly deserve it title of ‘Worst Romance of the past 25 Yrs’?
I confess I can’t name a title. My memory is not what it used to be. But I’ll be following this thread closely because I’m curious to see the answers. This’ll be as funny as reading your Monday posts about ‘interesting’ covers
I have just discovered that there is no edit button and that I really should have re-read my message before posting it with its many erros and typos.
*Lesson learned*
“Left Behind.” Hands down. You have to read it to really get the depths of the badness. It’s full of indescribably bad writing—the perfect example of what could have been interesting speculative fiction gone horribly wrong.
The Bachelor, by Carly Phillips. I forced myself to read the first fifty pages or so, thinking “It has to get better.” It didn’t – the characters stayed cardboard, the silly mother kept pushing the hero to marry – didn’t matter who – and the brothers kept spouting off inane, trite dialog. This book was like a Harlequin Temptation on steroids, padded out to be a single title. I can’t believe this is the book that propelled Phillips to stardom, and I sure have no desire to read her other books.
‘we were honored to be asked and are trying to come up with a response’
I hope you do. It’d be nice if someone nominated a romance as one of the best books of the past 25 years, because some of them are very good books. I’d be nominating Crusie’s Fast Women if I had a blog, which I don’t. But I can’t think of a worst romance. They tend to merge together in a blur of arrogant-hero-unrealistic plot-TSTL heroine-anachronisms.
There have been quite a few romances that I couldn’t bring myself to finish, but in terms of a book that stands out in my memory as beyond awful, I’d definitely vote for “The Nosy Neighbor” by Fern Michaels.
Unleash the Night by Kenyon. Lack of logic or consistency in world building. Crappy heroine. Crappy hero. No chemistry, poor writing, no feeling of them actually falling in love for any reason. No emotions. Inconsistent characterization.
I’ve never despised a book more. And I’ve read a lot of crap in my life. I’ve got a review somewhere of it…
Uh..why finish a horrible romance?! Life is too short to suffer so much. Mt. TBR grows too fast to finish the shitty books.
Now, if it’s so terrible it becomes a parody? Those might be worth reading. Any of those listed?
Two of the worst in recent memory:
“Improper English” by Katie Macalister…so bad that not only did I not finish it, I threw it in the trash so as not to inflict it on anyone else. The heroine was TSTL and a raving bitch. I seriously wanted her to die.
“Goodnight, Sweetheart” by Suzanne Simmons. I finished this one but only because it ended so abruptly. It was like she got bored with writing the story and just tacked on this ending that came out of nowhere.
The worst have been by people whose names I have not recognized, purchased while in line at, say, the dollar store when on one of those magical post-happy hour shopping bouts. I went and found them so as to save other people:
Sweet Dalliance by Lisa Bingham
That’s the only one I got through—secret baby/fake dead wife plot and all. There are two more waiting, but I seem to keep finding other books to read for some reason.
Other books that have sucked donkey balls and are more mainstream? The shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella were the only things I took to read on a vacation, having heard such good things about them. Ugh. The same goes for most of chick lit, a genre that has plotlines just as predictable and more generic than many romances. The worst of the bunch is High Maintenance by Jennifer Belle.
I won’t pick the worst written ever, ‘cause the list is too long. But the novel where I most wanted to castrate the “hero” with a dull chain saw was….
The Insiders by Rosemary Rogers.
And after I was done with him I wanted to go all medieval upside the heroine’s head for being too frickin’ stupid to live.
Worst romance ever: “Scarlett” by Alexandra Ripley. The writing sucked, the plot sucked, the characterization sucked. And it’s resemblance to “Gone With the Wind” (of which it is supposed to be the sequel) is about the same as the reseblence of chicken shit to diamonds. I threw it against a wall. Several times.
Worst book ever: Still might be “Scarlett”, but in the historical fiction category, I’m voting for “The Talisman” by Sir Walter Scott. They ride through the desert for thirty pages. Shoot me. Shoot me now.
Texas Wildflower by Susan Wiggs.
The two most miserable characters ever. They didn’t stop fighting until the last four pages, and even then, it was sort of resignation to their fate instead of HEA.
I don’t know if I could name a bad romance. The bad ones blend together.
Worst piece of fiction: “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” by Richard Bach. I kept mentally throwing Alka-Seltzer tablets in the air so he would die and shut up.
I’ve got three that were so bad they hit the wall and rebounded into the trash:
THE RUNAWAY DUKE by Julie Ann Long
Pedophilic heroes are creepy, not sexy. And don’t get me started on the dialogue . . . so modern, so melodramatic.
HIGHLANDER UNBOUND by Julia London
The hero the socially retarded son of a Laird (washing his clothes in a pond in London? Hunting in Hyde Park?). The heroine is an unsympathetic bitch, and I wanted to strangle her precocious and saccharinely sweet brat.
THE DARK HIGHLANDER* by Karen Marie Moning
Didn’t get past page three.
*At least I think it was this one, I’ve tried to block it out. So amazingly awful.
The Conqueror by Brenda Joyce
There is nothing, NOTHING redeeming about this book, IMO.
I would like to point out that Dame Barbara Cartland was alive and writing for at least half and more of those twenty-five years in question.
I’m not sure that whatever I read of hers during that quarter of a century was actually written within those years, but I distinctly remember the feelings of abject horror, a distinct desire to gounge out my eyes with a spork…and…a lot…of dialog…where…the heroine…mostly spoke…in…ellipsis…possibly to…transmit…secret messages…to our …intelligence…services…overseas…via morse…code.
Alas, since my mind has erased the names of the exact titles in question as a self defense measure, Dame Barbara’s MI6 steganography front probably doesn’t count, unless your taking nominations for the posthumous lifetime achievement award.
For some reason ‘The Taming’ by Jude Deveraux has stuck in mind as very bad, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was about or why I didn’t like it, and unfortunately trying to do is now giving me flashbacks to some other volume by another author that involved secret babies, amnesia, twin brothers pretending to be one another revenging themselves against each other by rape/seducing the heroine, and explosions, and sawmills, that was definately so much worse and I don’t want to try dredging it out of my memory anymore. But it wasn’t in Manga form, and hopefully doesn’t really exist outside my fevered imaginings.
Sorry, I’m not being much help here 🙁
Amanda…
I actually challenged my authors for April Fools to write bad romance on purpose. The result is a freebie book that totally spoofs erotica and romance called Clicherotica: The Adventures of The Vampire Bowling League. They even roasted the staff by picturing us as three sex-crazed chocolate-addicted gargoyles.
I have some very strange authors, apparently.
I sent Sarah a copy. Anyone else who wants to read bad on purpose and doesn’t mind ebooks, holler me up.
This is a really hard question for a lot of reasons.
I have read some crappy books in the last twenty five years. Really dog awful. Fuuugly. Two that come to mind straight away: American Psycho, because I think the publisher was an irresponsible shitehead asshat to even publish that ode to how best to torture women to death; and Shadowbrook, which is a great example of everything to avoid in historical fiction. I wrote a review of Shadowbrook on my weblog, but I won’t grace A.S. with a review.
But bad romance. It has to be one of the really offensive Cassie Edwards novels with the noble savage redmen who are tamed and civilized by sex with a white woman. Horrid writing, truly offensive premise. Racism in a tacky box.
One man’s trash is anothers treasure. I love Katie MacAlister, and Improper English was a wacky parody that I liked-not my favorite, but not bad.
I’d have to say the worst is “Bridges of Madison County”. Hands down.
Yeah, gigi, I second that. Absolutely. Ugh. BoMC. Puke.
I’ve read some awful books, but only one sticks in my mind. I put it down 15 pages in and unfortunately/fortunately I can’t recall the title.
It was Mills and Boon I’d picked up from a charity shop on a 5 for a pound deal, printed about 30 years ago. The hero was an experienced older businessman, ther heroine was his ingenue secretary and for some reason she’d gone to stay at his house in the country. I could have put up with that, probably, it’s no worse than others. I couldn’t read any more when the heroine saw him in casual clothes for the first time – white trousers, white shirt unbuttoned to the waist, gold chain nestled in his chest hair – and thought to herself – I’ve never seen anyone look so good. Seriously.
No question. To Charm a Prince by Patricia Grasso.
Mmm. Emotional abuse. So hot. Note to Ms. Grasso: there is a difference between alpha and cruel.
This is how the hero talks to the heroine in front of friends and family:
“Do not be ridiculous. . . You are fit for nothing and cannot live on the generosity of others indefinitely.” The heroine’s response? “I am NOT ridiculous.”
And, again in front of her family, when he finds out she has gotten herself pregnant with his child *koff*dickhead*koff*: “You should have thought of that before you spread your legs for me.”
Heroine: “I wanted seperate chambers.”
Hero: “You should have insisted. . . You knew I did not want to marry again.” Oh, yeah, and she’s the much younger virgin, btw. He’s always saying things like, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
And the heroine is a fucking throw rug. She has a limp, so she limps through the whole fucking book. Never walks or hurries or rushes. Just limps. Get aload of this profound burst of self-confidence: Usually dormant due to her limp, Douglas pride swelled in her breast. Omg, you think I’m making that up but I’m not.
Copyright, by the way? Not 1983. 2003. Shameful. That’s the last time I buy a book based on a gorgeous cover.
Sucked. My. Ass.
Yeah, Angela H, totally agreeing with you there, “Improper English” is the worst one I’ve ever finished. And I can normally dig Katie MacAlister, but this books holds the honor of having the worst heroine EVAH, which ruined the whole thing. The clinching point, besides her being a weak and whiny biotch, was when her love interest wouldn’t abandon his job while they were like, en route to nab a child pornographer simply because she needed him. Prioritize, bitch.
OH god yes, Honey Moon sucked!
I would vote Fantasy Lover by Sherrilyn Kenyon second worst. What the hell is sexy about a 2,000 yr old guy, that lives in a book and can’t freaking come?!?! that book was a total nightmare.
Rogue President by Audrey Godwin.
The single most horrible piece of shit ebook that calls itself erotic romance (and is so not close to being either), I’ve ever had the misfortune to read.
Rape? Check. Rape that the “heroine” actually thanks the rapist (her husband) for? Check.
Horrible writing? Check.
Stilted sex scenes? Check.
Plot holes the size of Texas? Check.
Little or no grasp of American history even though she writes about the Presidency? Check. (as in the first lady takes over as President when the President and Vice President get shot – because that pesky constitution must have gotten lost)
Add emotional abuse by the “hero” of the “heroine,” rampant adultery by him and then her and then him after she’s forgiven him all to stop a spy (god, just recounting this book is making me ill all over again) – and you have a clusterfuck of a book that should never, ever have been published anywhere on planet earth.
Incubus Dreams by LKH. What I managed to read anyway.
Summary:
Anita Black becomes the Sue with the mostest! All the men want her. She has every power ever invented by the author. Etc…
Urgh. Now my stomach hurts.
that should read: Anita Blake
sorry
Ok, gotta stand up here for Improper English. That was the WHOLE POINT of the book, that the heroine started out insecure, self absorbed and selfish and slowly changed into someone decent. The story was about her transformation.
Slightly Shady by Amanda Quick. Or as I like to call it, Slighty Shady Seriously Sucky. I smartbitched it here, which lists all the ways in which it sucks my dick if I had one.
Not saying it’s the worst EVER, but the worst that *I’VE* ever experienced.
Hmm,
One person’s trash here too. I’ve liked Karen Marie Moning’s Highlander books. Although at this point, they’ve kind of run together. I’ve generally liked Kenyon’s books too but I would agree that neither Fanstasy Lover and Unleash the Night are among the best. UTN was very cheesy and your review was right on
Uh, neither Fantasy Lover *nor* UTN. Wishing for an edit key here too.
I have to agree with Incubus Dreams. OMG, what a horrid piece of (calling it writing is stretching it) crap book.
It’s supposed to be a supernatural mystery, but the only mystery here is why someone would actually pay to read that crap.
It’s about Anita Blake, who, admittedly used to be a fairly competent vampire slayer, until she decided she was better at humping them than hunting them. So now she spends her days sleeping and her nights moving from encounter to encounter, and somehow she manages (with a straight face) dialogue like, “f*ck me! F*ck me while I’m tight.”
To which the answer is, “Oh, you’re so tight.” Yeah, sure she is. She’s only had ten guys so far that night. Uh huh.
Bad, BAD book, people. I dare you to read it and not weep.
Married to the Viscount by Sabrina Jeffries has to be the worst I’ve ever read. The characters were like cardboard cutouts, the weird plot with the brother who left his pregnant girlfriend for no discernable reason and HAHAHA in the end it was all a big misunderstanding….
Apparently lots of people like her though because she sells a lot of books.
I seem to have a weird masochistic fascination with books I know are bad but sometimes read anyway. I mean, these writers never met an adverb they didn’t LUUURVE, and Mary Sue is a permanent fixture. The stuff’s just bad, in the same way that the old soaps like Dynasty and Knots Landing were, but there’s something compelling about them anyway.
I’m on the wagon now, though, because my critique partners will tease me within an inch of my life if I pick up any of these writers’ particularly noticeable writing tics. I’ve got bad enough habits all my own without absorbing things that’d make me throw my own WIP across the room.
I have to defend Dark Highlander – loved it. Not saying it’s great literature but it worked for me.
The worst book I’ve read recently is a miserable piece of dribble entitled, The Reluctant Miss Van Helsing. Hated the vampire hero. Would have loved to have staked him. Abusive and obnoxious. Hated the Heroine too. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Spineless. The worst part is I can’t seem to shake the %&($ing book. I wanted to sell it on Half.com but none of the codes on it will go into the clicky thingy. I’m thinking about setting it on fire. Unless somebody wants it, just pay the postage and I’ll send it to you. A horrible book.
Otherwise, in the not that good category I’ll put most of Kenyon’s books. Men are too whiny. Somebody on another list I’m on said that Kenyon really knows how to write male characters. Really? Somebody please explain.
Katie Macalister’s books suck big time.
Lynsay Sands doesn’t thrill me either.
And I’m trying to read Dark Love by JR Ward right now and it’s really getting on my nerves.
I am so bitchy today.
I know I’ve read some awful romances in my time, but like others have said, they all seem to run together. The worst piece of general fiction stands out in my mind like a beacon, though: The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan. I’d been warned by friends how awful it was, with a TSTL hero, clichés up the wazoo, and approximately fifty million characters you’re expected to remember and, even better, care about, but as a masochist, I borrowed it from the library to see for myself how bad it was.
Took me six weeks to get through as many (short) chapters, and that only because I was forcing myself. Worst book I’ve ever read, bar none.
Honourable mention goes to the Spellsong Cycle by L. E. Modesitt, Jr. Word to the wise: never try to spread out half a book’s worth of plot over an entire series.
So many of my votes have already been mentioned, it was hard to come up with anything new. I can’t think of any specific books, but anything by Diana Palmer comes to mind. And still I feel drawn to pick her books up in the 4 for 25¢ bin at the local library … there are no words …
— Rapidreader