Several alert Bitchery readers sent us a link to this Oral-B (snort) “A Brush with Romance” contest featuring a DATE with his mantitty himself, Fabio.
Plus, you get $750 of spending money for your date in LA.
As Sarah F. pointed out, $750 ain’t going to go far in LA, and wouldn’t go much farther in NYC, but I don’t think the cash is the attraction, here.
In order to get the details, I have to register, and read their rules and regulations, but they cushion the effort by teasing me, “But Fabio’s worth it, isn’t he?”
I don’t know, is he?
And gee, once I register I can create my own romance novel staring A. Martinez, Tia Carrere, or Fabio. Or I can continue my sweet, sensitive journey. Have I mentioned this ectasy is all being brought to me by a toothbrush? I cross my legs at the thought.
Oh, Jesus Flapjack, once I get through the animation and pick my “hero,” my choices of story are “Sensitive Stranger,” or “Fate’s Forest of Feeling.”
Should I make you each register for this… romance? Or shall I spoil it for you with horrified glee?
First, there’s the cover. Hey! My very own mantitty! But I do not have long auburn hair, dammit. Who is that ho on MY cover?!
Then there’s the beginning of my story, which starts at, like, Chapter 16 or some such crap. I get no backstory from Oral-B? But hey… roiling mist! If you are shirtless, wouldn’t that hurt? No, that’s boiling mist. Sorry.
Oh, dear God. I just turned up the speakers. Fabio is READING this to me. Badly, I might add.
We’re on the next page of my Western Woods adventure, Fabio uses the word “brush” several times, and promises to shower me with diamonds (ouch, they are sharp!) and cover my pillow with rose petals. Pardon me for being a romance killer, but all I can think is, “Will the Oxi powder get those stains off my pillowcase?” He better use white rose petals, is all I’m sayin’.
And then the cheap bastard promises me an Oral-B Sensitive Advantage toothbrush. How’d I get from diamonds to rose petal stains to a TOOTHBRUSH? I fall down a ravine, there’s boiling mist, and the best I get is a toothbrush? Fabio, dude, we need to talk about how better to spend that $750.
And the absolute hilarity of this whole romance is that I have dental work this afternoon – Fabio had SO better be at the dentist’s office.
You realize, Fabio is discreetly telling you you have bad breath. Oh the humiliation! Dissed by The Mantitty!
How did A Martinez end up as Romance Novel Worthy? Soap operas? Is Oral B lacking even one Chicano hero?
And “A” doesn’t read proficiently either.
AND that I have sensitive gums. Which probably bleed when I’m brushing them so now I’ve got vampire-bad breath.
Mmm. Sexy.
You mean the cheap git doesn’t even get you a decent power toothbrush with four unique brushing modes including massage option after driving you into a frenzy of lust???
(I can’t have been the only one who went to a school where all electric toothbrushes were banned because our very earnest housemistresses were concerned about their “inappropriate use” by female pupils… At a very young 13, I spent hours puzzling over what this might mean. Now I just wonder which one first thought of this, and how on earth these poor ladies communicated the idea with one another. I mean, ewww???)
I still love the fact that you have a date with Fabio AND your best friend! A Fabio sandwich! Ew.
I enjoyed this site a lot when I plugged myself into the romance with Tia Careere. I mean, given a choice between her, Fabio and Martinez she clearly seemed like the best choice.
OH, God. Dear God. I now have to scrub out my brain with bleach every time I see an Oral-B product. Mantitty and Oral-B, my God. What’s next, Pantene and cameltoe?
If Fabio, the cheap betitted one, gets you a toothbrush, are you required to buy him a hairbrush? Or Shower to Shower for his manly breeches?
Just askin’…
Um. Ew? Fabio? Ew?? Am I the only one who thinks he looks like a humanized horse???
I’d rather use the super-powered toothbrush on sensitive areas and dream of Johnny Depp, thankyouverymuch.
‘electric toothbrushes were banned because our very earnest housemistresses were concerned about their “inappropriate use†by female pupils…’
The bristled end? ewww!
Fabio needs an intervention…
If one of the choices was Adrian Paul I don’t know .. He must still be able to find a job.
SCREAMING with laughter! Oh dear Lord… but I suppose we can expect no better of any company with ORAL in its name.
Fate’s Forest of Feeling sounds like it’d have some mossy love grottos in it. Oh, let’s picture it, shall we? Fabulous and a mossy love grotto! *shudder* Just the thought makes me want to grab a toothbrush… and scour my brain with it.
LMFAO-!!!
Fabio says: “Again, my eyes fill with tears. I must confess to keeping somethign from you: I broke all the bones in the hand you are squeezing in a puppeteering mishap only hours before I met you. But joy defeats my pain! Who knew that a traveling puppeteer such as I would find happiness here with the daughter of a billionaire industrialist?”
WTF?!?!?! I am dying with laughter… this is too pathetico! And who the hell chose these celebs? Fabio may be a classic (or was), but Martinez!? EW!!
Quick feminist alert… why does it always imply it’s the woman who’s using the toothbrush? Even Tia Carrere says SHE is using it, not him.
Not only are they cheap on celebs but they’re sexist, too! (Although their Photoshopper deserves credit…)
I’m contemplating the meeting that led to this:
Marketing Dork #1: We need to make our product appeal to women.
Marketing Dork #2: Well, chicks like romance novels, right? Why don’t we tie in to that?
MD#1: Yeah! We can make it all romantic and crap.
MD#2: Who’s that guy—he did the margarine commercials or whatever? The Italian guy?
MD#1: Fab-something. Fabio?
MD#2: Yeah, that guy. If he can sell fake butter, he can sell toothbrushes. We’ll run a contest! Win a date with him!
MD#1: We’ll give contestants their own story! I can write it. Romance books are cheap crap and easy to write!
::facepalm::
I hope there was at least one marketing person who tried to stop this train wreck and is now biting his or her lips not to dance around singing “I told you so!”
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(waves hello to everyone. Longtime lurker, first time poster.)
A bit on Fabio marketing and THIS was not mentioned?
http://hunks.tasteyoulove.com/
For shame.
I read the other one—where Fabio and I get engaged—and I cried I laughed so hard when the page turned and revealed that he was gasp! a puppeteer. No more complaining about all the heroes having the same jobs…
oh, hey, did anyone notice that on the tassled bookmark that pops up at the end, the toothbrushes are positioned, um, kind of like they’re in bed. the pink girl one is on its back looking at the ceiling, and the green man one has rolled over on his side, passed out in post-coital toothbrush exhaustion.
“You may click and drag at edges to turn pages, dear.”
Wow. Even the little directions at the bottom of the page are condescending.