If you are Leigh Greenwood, you are one lucky man/woman. Because oh, holy night, you got yourself some fine DeSalvo covers for your “The Cowboys” series. From Greenwood’s website:
The freedom of the range, the bawling of the longhorns, the lonesome night watch beneath a vast, starry sky – they got into a man’s blood until he knew there was nothing better than the life of a cowboy…except the love of a good woman.
This series tells the stories of nearly a dozen orphans who’re adopted by Jake and Isabelle Maxwell and grow up on their cattle ranch in the Texas Hill Country.
So as the longhorns bawl (perhaps due to the purple prose?) you find a bunch of orphans, who, judging from the covers, miraculously all look alike (except for Sean, who wants you to pull his finger). That is some serious scientific mystery right there, folks. I’m amazed that A&E hasn’t done a heavily-promoted special on the identical orphans. They’re all desalvolicious in their own special way.
Sarah: The mullet. The manly firearm held erect from his manly crotch. And of course, the mantitty. Buck is a master of manly manliness. And he only likes women with mullets and salmon colored dresses. Sorry, ladies.
Candy: He only likes women with mullets? The hell you say. I swear to God that’s an Adam’s apple I see peeking ‘midst yon flame-colored mullet tresses.
Sorry, ladies, indeed.
Sarah: Identical faces… all sporting mullets. Chet, of course, is blonde.
Now, here’s my problem with this cover. There is only one Chet. This is Chet.
And also, this is Chet. That dude with the hat? Not Chet.
Candy: Man, that little inset looks like the lead-up to the following joke:
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.
I’m just saying he looks like he’s about ready to tell the little lady the first time.
Sarah: Nice waxed chest, there, Luke. It’s good that you keep up with your brother’s love of the mullet, but I think you’re really interested in brotherly love of a different sort, hmmm? Those daisies, they mean something, don’t they.
Candy: Much as it pains me to say it, if Viggo Mortensen decided to undergo laser hair removal and pectoral implant surgery while dressed in Hidalgo drag, he might look like this incarnation of DeSalvo.
Sarah: Matt, not only do you have Luke’s shaved chest and Chet’s mullet, but you have a decided love of hair product, too. Your horse, his hair is everywhere. But yours? Moves not an inch. So manly.
Now turn the horse around so Candy and I can check for a glittery rainbow sticker on your horse’s rump.
Candy: “Hold on, I don’t want this pomade. I want Dapper Dan.”
“I don’t carry Dapper Dan, I carry Fop.”
“Well, I don’t want Fop, goddamn it! I’m a Dapper Dan man!”
Sarah: Poor guy. No mullet, his shirt appears to be buttoned, and he’s somewhat normal looking. And his gun, it is not held in an erect posture. For all these sins and more, he gets a backseat to some chick with a bad wig and a skirt that is so short, she wil have breathtaking thigh chafing within the hour. He is way in the distance, and his hopes of gettin’ some from Drew? Distant as well.
Candy: I agree that his chances of scoring with Drew are slim to none, but I’m not sure the fella minds. Something tells me he has a gallon tub of Dapper Dan in his saddlebags and he’s off to meet a man with a strong hankering for it—and not just for his hair, if you know what I mean and I think you do.