Cowboy DeSalvo

If you are Leigh Greenwood, you are one lucky man/woman. Because oh, holy night, you got yourself some fine DeSalvo covers for your “The Cowboys” series. From Greenwood’s website:

The freedom of the range, the bawling of the longhorns, the lonesome night watch beneath a vast, starry sky – they got into a man’s blood until he knew there was nothing better than the life of a cowboy…except the love of a good woman.

This series tells the stories of nearly a dozen orphans who’re adopted by Jake and Isabelle Maxwell and grow up on their cattle ranch in the Texas Hill Country.

So as the longhorns bawl (perhaps due to the purple prose?) you find a bunch of orphans, who, judging from the covers, miraculously all look alike (except for Sean, who wants you to pull his finger). That is some serious scientific mystery right there, folks. I’m amazed that A&E hasn’t done a heavily-promoted special on the identical orphans. They’re all desalvolicious in their own special way.

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Sarah: The mullet. The manly firearm held erect from his manly crotch. And of course, the mantitty. Buck is a master of manly manliness. And he only likes women with mullets and salmon colored dresses. Sorry, ladies.

Candy: He only likes women with mullets? The hell you say. I swear to God that’s an Adam’s apple I see peeking ‘midst yon flame-colored mullet tresses.

Sorry, ladies, indeed.

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Sarah: Identical faces… all sporting mullets. Chet, of course, is blonde.

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Now, here’s my problem with this cover. There is only one Chet. This is Chet.

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And also, this is Chet. That dude with the hat? Not Chet.

Candy: Man, that little inset looks like the lead-up to the following joke:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

I’m just saying he looks like he’s about ready to tell the little lady the first time.

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Sarah: Nice waxed chest, there, Luke. It’s good that you keep up with your brother’s love of the mullet, but I think you’re really interested in brotherly love of a different sort, hmmm? Those daisies, they mean something, don’t they.

Candy: Much as it pains me to say it, if Viggo Mortensen decided to undergo laser hair removal and pectoral implant surgery while dressed in Hidalgo drag, he might look like this incarnation of DeSalvo.

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Sarah: Matt, not only do you have Luke’s shaved chest and Chet’s mullet, but you have a decided love of hair product, too. Your horse, his hair is everywhere. But yours? Moves not an inch. So manly.

Now turn the horse around so Candy and I can check for a glittery rainbow sticker on your horse’s rump.

Candy: “Hold on, I don’t want this pomade. I want Dapper Dan.”

“I don’t carry Dapper Dan, I carry Fop.”

“Well, I don’t want Fop, goddamn it! I’m a Dapper Dan man!”

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Sarah: Poor guy. No mullet, his shirt appears to be buttoned, and he’s somewhat normal looking. And his gun, it is not held in an erect posture. For all these sins and more, he gets a backseat to some chick with a bad wig and a skirt that is so short, she wil have breathtaking thigh chafing within the hour. He is way in the distance, and his hopes of gettin’ some from Drew? Distant as well.

Candy: I agree that his chances of scoring with Drew are slim to none, but I’m not sure the fella minds. Something tells me he has a gallon tub of Dapper Dan in his saddlebags and he’s off to meet a man with a strong hankering for it—and not just for his hair, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    KariBelle says:

    O. M. Fucking. G., I can’t believe you guys are still finding DeSalvo covers.  WHEN WILL IT END?????  For the love of sweet baby Jebus make it stop!!!!!!

  2. 2
    Kate R says:

    *whimper.*

    Our only consolation is that it can’t go on forever. The time and gravity combo is pulling down Matt’s mantitties and turning his six pack abs into winebottles abs.

  3. 3
    J-me says:

    I’m going to have trouble looking at Viggo Mortensen for a month.

  4. 4
    KariBelle says:

    Why don’t you love us anymnore?

  5. 5
    KariBelle says:

    *anymnore*

    Okay, you don’t love me because I can’t type for shit, and I rarely proofread, but please have mercy on the others!

  6. 6
    Karla says:

    I’m such a geek, the first thing that got me wasn’t the alarmingly immovable hair, the waxed chests, or even the tranny in salmon it was the historical inaccuracy *rage*.

  7. 7

    Drew’s short skirt?  Exactly which historical era was that, the 1960’s? Shouldn’t she be holding a joint instead of a gun?

  8. 8
    Amanda says:

    What I want to know is how many cowboys ride the range in a button down collared shirt that needs ironing?! Except maybe for Chet who seems to be entering a bar.

  9. 9
    ellcee says:

    Darn you bitches … I about wet myself when I saw the Chet pix!  I’m *still* laughing!!!

    Speaking of DeSalvo, my mother brought me some more Cassie Edwards Indian Romances that someone left on the “free bench” at her condo complex and there is DeSalvo (or a DeSalvo clone)on two of them in all his caucasian be-titted glory.  Dast I read them?

    LC

  10. 10
    Dee says:

    OMG, I thought I had seen all that there was of DeSalvo!! (And CHET, for that matter, lol!)

    Can we make a request? How many DeSalvo’s on motorcycles can you find???

    ROFL, Dee
    (who is ducking from the fan gallery, pummeling her with heavy objects)

  11. 11
    Valeen says:

    :) Hello

    I seem to be at a loss as I have no idea who the Chet’s in the pics are.

    And am sitting here wondering just how many DeSalvo covers there really are … seems to be an endless supply of them.

  12. 12

    I am completely in awe at the highly-nuanced range of emotion Mr. DeSalvo can express with a tilt of his cowboy hat and trusty longhorn.

    Is the Career Achievement award for achieving the highest number of DeSalvo covers in a body of work? True, the orphaned duodecuplets idea is a masterstroke, but although Cassie E got off to a slow start with her “Savage” series, she’s capable of giving Leigh G. a major smackdown if she keeps up with her intention to write a book for every native American tribe in the USA. The only thing that can save Leigh now is if DeSalvo runs out of ideas for tribal make-up and they have to bring back Fabio, disguised in a native-style hairpiece made of toothbrush heads.

    Speaking of which, LC: I dast you read the CE novel past the fourth page or to the end of chapter 1, whichever is greater. Go on, I just dare you…

  13. 13
    Cat says:

    Anyone else noticed how her name and the title run all together?  Leigh Greenwood Luke.  Leigh Greenwood Chet.  Leigh Greenwood Drew.  Is she so ashamed of her mantitty covers she’s trying to change her name, each book?

  14. 14
    SB Sarah says:

    Chet was a character played by Bill “Polygamy on HBO!” Paxton in the movie “Weird Science.” He was a bully older brother who got turned into that nasty pile of grossness by the hot female scientific creation engineered by his geeky younger brother.

    And there is no limit to the reaches of the mantitty of DeSalvo. At least, not one measurable by current means.

  15. 15

    FWIW, Leigh Greenwood is a man and the former president of the RWA.

  16. 16
    Esther says:

    Is this the same Leigh Greenwood who was a country/folk singer? “I owe youuuuuu… the sunlight in the morning.” It’s nice to know he’s found another fulfilling career.

  17. 17
    dl says:

    From a riders perspective…Matt is clearly in the process of falling off his horse, probably because he appears to be stoned.

  18. 18
    Danielle says:

    What the hell is that under Drew’s elbow—her knee? She’s about to fall ass-over-teakettle off whatever she’s sitting on.

  19. 19

    *whimper*

    Normally I love me a good mantitty in the morning, but this cowboy drag…for the love of sweet baby Jesus, get me a De Salvo on a motorcycle or a Fabio in pirate poof. I can’t take any more Brokeback Greenwood.

  20. 20
    ellcee says:

    EvilAuntiePerl,

    Now I understand the “evil” part of your name!

    LC

  21. 21
    April says:

    I would never name a son of mine Chet. It sounds too much like another word.

    “Don’t be a little Chet! Go clean your room.”

  22. 22
    Amy E says:

    Drew’s short skirt?  Exactly which historical era was that, the 1960’s? Shouldn’t she be holding a joint instead of a gun?

    This made me laugh so hard I snorted and scared my puppy.  You need to come over here and clean up the puddle she left.  I’m waiting.

    And is it just me, or does Drew look like she just rolled out of the back of some dude’s lurve-van, discovered that her clothes were stained with vodka-scented vomit and several Monica-esque white smears, couldn’t find either a comb or her keys amid all the discarded drug paraphenlia in her purse, and was therefore forced to mug a Brokeback crossdresser and steal his clothes and horse for the “ride of shame” home?

  23. 23
    Anne says:

    Now, now. The guys in Brokeback Mountain were faggots, not sissies. We queers are not all the same, y’know.

    Though I think Jake Gyllenhaal would look almost as hot as his sister did in one of those Secretary getups…

  24. 24
    Shannon says:

    The first time I read the “Chet” cover, I swear to jeebus, I thought it said “Chest”!

    Also, anyone notice Drew, the little lady showing off her gams, holding a nice erect gun right between said gams? Not that anyone would complain. . .

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