Shirtless Wonders of the West

Sarah: Y’all. Y’ALL. Now we know what happened to Ian Ziering from 90210. But where’s the cover with Dylan and Brandon? Mrowr!

image

Candy: It’s a miracle more of these cover models don’t come down with some sort of catarrh from standing around with their shirts unbuttoned in the cold, damp air.

I also wonder: Do these guys use aftershave on their chests, and is that why their shirts are unbuttoned? To allow the aftershave to evaporate freely?

Sarah: Oh, the heartbreak of finding your dream man, replete with breathtaking mantitty, only to find he has a monster case of jaundice. And turning yellow does not a good indicator of health make. Wonder what else might be turning yellow, hmm? Run, dearie, RUN!

Candy: Jebus, can two people look any more gross? There’s just this sheen of, I don’t know, grease and, yes, jaundice about them. I can just about picture the stink-lines emanating from these two clowns. Maybe that’s why their mouths are slightly agape—they’re breathing through their mouths.

Sarah:
Hero: Dude. Where’s my shirt?
Heroine: I care not, milord! I must reform you! Apparently you are a rake!
Hero: I’m a what?
Heroine: A rake! Or, that’s what you used to comb that hair, anyway.
Hero: Huh?
Heroine: And while we’re talking reform, high-waisted pants are not a good look for you. Who is your tailor? And your barber?
Hero: Oh, boy.

Candy: Another grubby-looking guy. I think the cover artists were trying to go for “manfully dishevelled” but managed to hit “meth bender in the middle of a windstorm” instead. And why is she staring at his collarbone with that intent almost-sneer on her face? It’s almost like he has some schmutz in the shape of the Holy Mary on his clavicle and she’s debating whether to wipe it off or not.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    *sigh*  It’s your birthday and you brought us a present!  That’s why the SB’s rock!

    As for that first cover, I too was wondering “What was the art department thinking?”  With all the chiseled faces out there, they go with exceedingly bland. C’mon art guys, you can do better!  Get out your copy of Details magazine and use some of those models for inspiration!

  2. 2
    Tonda says:

    meth bender in the middle of a windstorm

    *SNORT*

    You know how we bitch about the bad gowns? The gowns that only existed in bad porn movies and Disney extravaganzas? Well what’s up with the shirts that open all the way down the front (they didn’t exist!) and the breeches that magically hold themselves up snugly to the dude’s ass with no braces? And the less said about the hair the better . . .

  3. 3
    celeste says:

    Either the guy on the last cover has some weird proportions or those pants are making him look awfully short-waisted. The first cover guy looks a little too modern and Ian-ish, but they did get his proportions right.

  4. 4
    shaina says:

    i have a technical question for y’all: is there a difference between man-titty and man-boobs? this random thought brought to you while walking through the halls at school and passing a guy who DEFINATELY needed a bra. ew. :-) yay for high school.

  5. 5
    celeste says:

    Tonda said: Well what’s up with the shirts that open all the way down the front

    I was a teenager during the 70’s disco craze, and those unbuttoned shirts bring back oh-so-unappetizing memories of the guys at my school who dressed that way. Wispy chest hair, pimply white skin, and a beer gut, exposed for our viewing pleasure.

    There’s a popular author (who shall remain nameless) whose über-hero often runs around wearing a white silk shirt unbuttoned to the waist, and although I know it’s supposed to be sexy and dangerous, it ends up having the opposite effect on me.

  6. 6
    Tight says:

    Is it just me or would any single one of these images be greatly improved with a lil’ bit of rigging and a blindfold?

  7. 7
    Candy says:

    Only if the blindfold is over my eyes to spare me the sight of greasy people with jaundice totally making out like whoa on screaming red satin.

  8. 8
    Samantha says:

    The guy in the second cover has the Patrick Swayze ( pic 2 )look down pat. All he needs is a bow-tie and some hip thrusting music and he’ll be all set.

  9. 9
    Samantha says:

    Ooops, I ment 3rd cover not 2nd.

  10. 10
    Kate R says:

    guy number three is about to get pasted by the ring hanging over his head. He won’t notice because at that moment his girlfriend will finally manage to pop that painful pimple on his shoulder. She’s been working on it for a while.

    I’m clearly inured to covers. I saw the Loretta Chase and my one response was big time excitement—not about the guy trying to play pocket pool in trousers without pockets—that’s a book I don’t know. Is it good? Oh boy! I’ll find out soon.

  11. 11
    Amy E says:

    Yeah, the third cover is definitely the worst.  He’s just asked “Does this look infected to you?”  And while she’s examining the lesion in question, he’s taking advantage of her distraction to pick his wedgie.

    Sexy.  So very sexy.

  12. 12
    Amy E says:

    And has anyone else noticed the complete and utter lack of a britches-bulge on cover hunka-lurve #1?  Seriously, dude.  Get a sock or a banana or something.  Your… shall we say, lack of stature… should not be so apparent. 

    But, at least he’s not picking a wedgie.

  13. 13
    Beverly says:

    Oh, I can’t resist. Ya’ll have forgotten the obvious on that last cover. To wit that naturally she’s a vampire lass about to have a snack. :cheese:

    And I always have thought that old Captives of the Night cover made them look a little, er, a lot like they’d been bronzed or something. Never thought of jaundice. :smirk:

  14. 14
    KariBelle says:

    WTF, STILL WITH THE MULLETS!!!!!  #1 may be a ridiculous cover, but at least the guy’s hair looks decent.  I think we need to get down to the bottom of the mullet travesty.  Who is responsible?  It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya, and I am pretty sure Billy Ray Cyrus is behind it.  He thinks if women see enough mullet-headed romantic heroes, maybe we will start to think he is hot and he can get laid again sometime before he dies.  Someone needs to open up an institutional sized can of whoop-ass on these idiots.  I have a can opener…..anyone care to join me?

  15. 15
    CindyS says:

    Okay, I got nothing witty to say but, the guy on the third cover looks like the actor who played(s) John Black on Days of Our Lives.  Apparently people think he is hot and I seem to remember a mullet cut on that guy for years.  Ugh.

    All the same, the covers look like Monets compared to the picture of Ian Ziering.  Please dear God, whatever we did to you guys – we’re sorry!!

    Off to wash my eyes out.

    CindyS

  16. 16
    Maili says:

    With Amy E.‘s comment in mind, the placement of ‘L’ on the new cover of The Lion’s Daughter is rather unfortunate.

    That couple of Captives of the Night was taken from the Avon cover of an American historical romance. If you tilt your head when you look at COTN, you’ll see their original position – they were standing. Someone got quite creative with Photoshop v2, methinks.

  17. 17
    Beverly says:

    Standing, not laying, hmmm? Okay, maybe that explains why he looks like he’s thinking she’s suddenly put on a lot of weight or something.  :-)

    (I love the smilies here. That’s the one thing I really wish Blogger had in their original format/set-up instead of as add-ons. Where can I get these?)

  18. 18
    Deb says:

    I miss-read the first cover… I thought it said:

    The Loin’s Daughter

    Sometimes being dyslexic is fun…

  19. 19

    To me, the guy on CAPTIVES OF THE NIGHT looks like he’s about to ralph. He’s seizing and turning green.

    Oh, yeah. Nothing says romance like a man who’s about to be sick.

  20. 20
    Sarandipity says:

    Is that an unbuttoned silk shirt Ian’s wearing?

  21. 21
    Amanda says:

    You know, at first glance I thought the first cover was pretty normal, considering the fare we usually giggle over. I think Maili’s right about #2, but Deb’s comment about Loins had me rolling.

  22. 22
    Tonda says:

    That couple of Captives of the Night was taken from the Avon cover of an American historical romance. If you tilt your head when you look at COTN, you’ll see their original position – they were standing.

    Well that at least explains why her hair is defying gravity!

  23. 23
    celeste says:

    Sarandipity said: Is that an unbuttoned silk shirt Ian’s wearing?

    I suspect it’s one of those standard issue cover model shirts, which have no buttons at all. The manufacturer also offers a similar design in chain mail.

  24. 24
    Carolyn B. says:

    *snicker* I had to blog about The Lion’s Daughter cover art (and four other current romance paperbacks) too. Is it just me, or do you think of the Captain Morgan’s Rum guy when you see that pose? He does have “a little of the Captain in him,” doesn’t he.

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top