Sarah: Y’all. Y’ALL. Now we know what happened to Ian Ziering from 90210. But where’s the cover with Dylan and Brandon? Mrowr!
Candy: It’s a miracle more of these cover models don’t come down with some sort of catarrh from standing around with their shirts unbuttoned in the cold, damp air.
I also wonder: Do these guys use aftershave on their chests, and is that why their shirts are unbuttoned? To allow the aftershave to evaporate freely?
Sarah: Oh, the heartbreak of finding your dream man, replete with breathtaking mantitty, only to find he has a monster case of jaundice. And turning yellow does not a good indicator of health make. Wonder what else might be turning yellow, hmm? Run, dearie, RUN!
Candy: Jebus, can two people look any more gross? There’s just this sheen of, I don’t know, grease and, yes, jaundice about them. I can just about picture the stink-lines emanating from these two clowns. Maybe that’s why their mouths are slightly agape—they’re breathing through their mouths.
Hero: Dude. Where’s my shirt?
Heroine: I care not, milord! I must reform you! Apparently you are a rake!
Hero: I’m a what?
Heroine: A rake! Or, that’s what you used to comb that hair, anyway.
Heroine: And while we’re talking reform, high-waisted pants are not a good look for you. Who is your tailor? And your barber?
Hero: Oh, boy.
Candy: Another grubby-looking guy. I think the cover artists were trying to go for “manfully dishevelled” but managed to hit “meth bender in the middle of a windstorm” instead. And why is she staring at his collarbone with that intent almost-sneer on her face? It’s almost like he has some schmutz in the shape of the Holy Mary on his clavicle and she’s debating whether to wipe it off or not.