Mantitty vs. Manboob

Bitchery Reader Shaina asks, “Is there a difference between man-titty and man-boobs?”

Why, yes, of course!

Let me first state for the record for any males reading: women, as least as far as the women I know, do not care much about your hairline. We aren’t big fans of combovers and I personally think the time and trouble spent lassoing a toupee could be better spent elsewhere, but by and large? Hair? Not such a big deal. Bald can be – and often is – very very sexy. Especially when one goes bald with an attitude of “I don’t really give a shit, because my manful manliness is inside this head, and also inside another head, which has always been bald.”

Or perhaps the attitude would be less verbose, along the lines of “I’m the man. Bald or not.” Either way, fine and sexy.

But the manly manbreast? The manboob? The mantit? Not so manly. And indeed, there is a difference.

The mantitty is most often pictured on the cover of a romance novel or in a beefcake calendar of your local fire department’s bronzed and buffed babes. The mantitty is firm, round, and casts a rather odd shadow, almost a crescent, on the chest beneath. This is because the mantitty has the ability to hold itself aloft without the aid of strings, toupee glue, or hydraulics. It is its own firm universe, casting a shadow of manliness on the ripply abdomen beneath, and some, thought not all, women find it quite attractive. It speaks of great attention to one’s self, particularly in gym time and perhaps even waxing or shaving and application of aftershave balm to keep that mantitty smooth and supple.

A manboob, on the other hand, does not cast a shadow. It hangs, slovenly and deflated, against the chest of the male who bears it, almost like the breast of a woman who has nursed eighteen children for two years each. But while the female can wear her soft breasts as badges of honor that she has run the gauntlet of motherhood, the bearer of the manboob, he has no medals of achievement.

The manboob, it is not firm, and it does not stand of its own volition, unless one is picking it up by the nipple and giving it a little shimmy to watch the ripples within undulate with glee. A saggy manboob makes one think of a manbra, and that is an image that no one wants.

A manboob is the product not of attention, but of neglect. Too much sitting, not enough situps, I am sad to say. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I will state that my room to talk in that department is also nowhere to be found.

The manboob, it will not appear in the calendar or the cover of a romance novel, and pictures of it will likely cause the Manolo to shriek with fear and horror.

But a fine mantitty, though large and somewhat alarming on its own, does offer many benefits: photogenic, sometimes attractive, and always good to hide under during a downpour.

Does that clear the issue? One hopes so. If there are any other questions, please, feel free to pass them our way!

Categorized:

Random Musings

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  1. 1
    sarasco says:

    Ew…the dreaded bro (man bra). My friends and I call man boobs moobs. It can be used like so, “My blind date had some moobage goin’ on. I couldn’t stop checking them out over dinner.”

    Once, my friend dated a guy I hated, and she was on the fence about breaking up with him. He had a Velveeta and Oreos kinda diet going and had chest pains one day (at 27) and got to go to the hospital. She accompanied. They hadn’t known each other for long, and it was a terrible discovery that he had massive, pendulous moobs. There had been suspicion. It trumped any “…but if he had better hair and stopped dressing like that, he’d be great!” conversation. Shallow and terrible, but no guy should have bigger knockers than his woman.

  2. 2
    Rhonda says:

    “Especially when one goes bald with an attitude of ‘I don’t really give a shit, because my manful manliness is inside this head, and also inside another head, which has always been bald.’”

    Awesome – right on the money.  I heart you guys…I’m dying laughing.

  3. 3

    Too perfect, bitches!  Now I know exactly how to explain the difference.

    And the very bald husband would thank you too, if I didn’t think reading this site would send him gibbering into the night.  He’s already scared of what I do to the guys in my novels.  This would tip him over the edge.

    Pssst—for all you sweet young things out there?  The advantage of dating a guy who’s bald when he’s 24 is there are no rude surprises down the road.  What you see is what you’re going to get for the long haul.

  4. 4
    Beverly says:

    Okay, just let me say that I don’t always laugh at the comments here. Hey, sometimes I even cringe.  ;-) But I haven’t even finished reading this one because I didn’t make it past the third paragraph before ROTFL and all because I couldn’t for some reason make heads or tails of “combover”. This was my poor brain’s initial reading, “Com-bover. What the heck is that?”

    I guess I was expecting some weird Smart Bitches slang or something. Then it hit me what it actually was and I almost fell out of my chair. I still have tears in my eyes. Thanks for the laugh, unintentional though it was. Hehehe.

    Okay, back to finishing the entire post.

  5. 5
    SB Sarah says:

    Ah yes, stay tuned when I make up some definition of com-bover.

  6. 6
    Amanda says:

    Are you going to do a dissertation concerning the differences between sausages, bananas, socks & snakes? Don’t forget tool, sword & manhood. Which is preferred by discerning Smart Bitches?

    I too suffered from the WTF is com-bover? problem for sec, Beverly, so don’t feel bad.

  7. 7
    Eileen says:

    You forgot to tell men how to test if they have mantitty or manboob. Hold left breast in right hand. Place a pencil where the breast meets the chest. Let go of breast. If the pencil remains frozen in place, not falling, you’ve got boobage.If it falls- man titty. If you can hold an oreo, a can of beer or any object larger than a pencil- you have a problem.

  8. 8
    SB Sarah says:

    And if a man can hold oreos and beer in his manbreasts, they have no need of us anymore. But would it really be a problem!?

  9. 9
    Beverly says:

    That’s good to know, Amanda.  :-)

    Now, about the rest of the post since I’ve finally managed to stop laughing – not entirely, though, there’s still a residual chuckle slipping out – I think I’m hovering somewhere between right on and, ewww, why did you put those gross images in my head. I’ve never been quite on the “love those bald guys to death” bandwagon but happily bald is much, much better than some of those fake thingies. Shudder.

  10. 10
    SB Sarah says:

    I will tell y’all, one time I was driving on the Garden State Parkway, and there was this furry thing flapping out the window of a car – the driver’s side window. At first I thought it was a dog, but no.

    It was the driver’s comb-over, which apparently was combed from left to right, completely unfolded from the top of his head and flapping like a tattered hair flag out the window.

    I was going at least 65 so I do not know HOW this man didn’t notice his own hair flying in the wind like that.

  11. 11
    shaunee says:

    Question:  If man-titty is firm, bronzed, muscular breastises, and man-boob is sagging, jello-esque breastises, then what is the proper terminology for men with normal breastises?  The average man’s boobage, if you will.

  12. 12

    >>what is the proper terminology for men with normal breastises?  The average man’s boobage, if you will.< <

    “Good enough”.  If we don’t want them to fret over the size of our boobs, we can’t nitpick over theirs.

  13. 13
    shaina says:

    thank you for answering my question!
    i feel special :cheese:

  14. 14
    Stef says:

    Well, more than a handful’s wasted.  Or so they say.

    I read an article that said most men would rather be impotent than bald.  I find this very hard to believe.  In fact, I don’t believe it.  But a man wrote the article, I think, and this was based on a survey of some sort.

    Maybe the survey was done by The Hair Club for Men?

    Thanks, Sarah, for the education.  I feel so smart now.

  15. 15
    Amy E says:

    Most men would rather be impotent than bald?!?!?!  The mind, she boggles.  Whafuck?  Oh, wait, that’d be nofuck, wouldn’t it.  Creeping Christ.  Come on, guys, do you really think your woman cares about the receeding hairline (er, excuse me, advancing forehead, if we’re being politically correct) when you’re in the midst of a hot bout of bed-rockin’, neighbor-wakin’, chandelier shakin’ whoopee?

    Snort.  As if.  Trust me, men, your woman would SO rather you go bald than lose the use of Sid the Trouser Snake.  Long Live Sid!

  16. 16
    Karen says:

    Longtime lurker finally motivated to comment. I totally agree on the baldness-is-irrelevant-if-not-hot issue.

    With respect to man boobs, however, I feel compelled to note that it’s not always a matter of neglect. For many, its a matter of too much weed, man. Yes, all those afternoons, evening, late nights, and mornings getting high have left their mark. And not in a good way. I always laugh (to myself) when I see otherwise relatively fit guys in their late 30s and 40s with man boobs. I can’t help but picture them smoking pot 20 years earlier with no idea how it would come back to haunt them. Alcohol can also do it, but you have to really be abusing it. (It can also be a medical problem, but that’s a very small number.)

    Here’s an excerpt from a doctor’s response to a man asking about breast reduction surgery:

    Before you consider surgery, it would be important to exclude possible reversible causes of your breast enlargement. The commonest causes in adults are alcohol-related liver disease and medications such as cimetidine (anti-ulcer), spironolactone (diuretic for high blood pressure), digoxin (heart drug), and marijuana. Of course any hormone-related disease or ingestion of hormones such as estrogen would need to be ruled out. I read a report of a 70-year-old Tennessee man who developed large breasts which was eventually traced to absorption of his wife’s vaginal estrogen cream during intercourse.

    Whole thing here:
    http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/901217600.html

    Thanks for letting me play. Your site is great fun.

    Karen

  17. 17
    Candy says:

    I had NO IDEA pot can cause moobies. Whoa. The more you know!

    I dinnae like either man-titty or man-boobies on my men. Physically, I like ‘em slim and trim. The depths of my concupiscent glee are profound indeed when I see the US Olympic swimming team. Rawr.

    As for hair: I really, really dig close-cropped hair, though I’ve been attracted to the occasional long-haired guy, too (like Viggo Mortensen in LOTR). If a guy is balding, either keeping it brutally short or shaving it all off is the way to go—combovers are both sad and hideous.

  18. 18
    CindyS says:

    “and it does not stand of its own volition, unless one is picking it up by the nipple and giving it a little shimmy”

    Tricky combination of vomity and funny.

    I had read somewhere that men with receding hair lines would have more testosterone so they would have really good sex lives.  I wish I knew where I had read that!!  I am attracted to those men who embrace their loss of hair and keep their locks shorn close to the head.  Very sexy.

    Actually I just posted a bunch of pics of some actors I find super sexy and most had receding hair lines but the men kept their hair short.  Yum.

    Oh, there is nothing sexy about man-boobs.  Ever.

    CindyS

  19. 19

    >>I read an article that said most men would rather be impotent than bald.  I find this very hard to believe.  In fact, I don’t believe it.  But a man wrote the article, I think, and this was based on a survey of some sort.< <

    Stef, I asked the very bald husband about this and he got a deer-in-the-headlights look and said, “Are tney insane?  Who the hell did they ask?”

    I tend to think his response is more the norm that what it said in that survey.

  20. 20
    jmc says:

    Moobies?  *snort*  Made me immediately think of Dogma, ‘cause the false idol (shaped like a cow) that the two angels destroy is called a mooby.  So now I’m imagining a giant man-boob, cast in gold, placed upon an altar for worship.  That’s just wrong!

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