Bitchery Reader Shaina asks, “Is there a difference between man-titty and man-boobs?”
Why, yes, of course!
Let me first state for the record for any males reading: women, as least as far as the women I know, do not care much about your hairline. We aren’t big fans of combovers and I personally think the time and trouble spent lassoing a toupee could be better spent elsewhere, but by and large? Hair? Not such a big deal. Bald can be – and often is – very very sexy. Especially when one goes bald with an attitude of “I don’t really give a shit, because my manful manliness is inside this head, and also inside another head, which has always been bald.”
Or perhaps the attitude would be less verbose, along the lines of “I’m the man. Bald or not.” Either way, fine and sexy.
But the manly manbreast? The manboob? The mantit? Not so manly. And indeed, there is a difference.
The mantitty is most often pictured on the cover of a romance novel or in a beefcake calendar of your local fire department’s bronzed and buffed babes. The mantitty is firm, round, and casts a rather odd shadow, almost a crescent, on the chest beneath. This is because the mantitty has the ability to hold itself aloft without the aid of strings, toupee glue, or hydraulics. It is its own firm universe, casting a shadow of manliness on the ripply abdomen beneath, and some, thought not all, women find it quite attractive. It speaks of great attention to one’s self, particularly in gym time and perhaps even waxing or shaving and application of aftershave balm to keep that mantitty smooth and supple.
A manboob, on the other hand, does not cast a shadow. It hangs, slovenly and deflated, against the chest of the male who bears it, almost like the breast of a woman who has nursed eighteen children for two years each. But while the female can wear her soft breasts as badges of honor that she has run the gauntlet of motherhood, the bearer of the manboob, he has no medals of achievement.
The manboob, it is not firm, and it does not stand of its own volition, unless one is picking it up by the nipple and giving it a little shimmy to watch the ripples within undulate with glee. A saggy manboob makes one think of a manbra, and that is an image that no one wants.
A manboob is the product not of attention, but of neglect. Too much sitting, not enough situps, I am sad to say. And, in the interest of full disclosure, I will state that my room to talk in that department is also nowhere to be found.
The manboob, it will not appear in the calendar or the cover of a romance novel, and pictures of it will likely cause the Manolo to shriek with fear and horror.
But a fine mantitty, though large and somewhat alarming on its own, does offer many benefits: photogenic, sometimes attractive, and always good to hide under during a downpour.
Does that clear the issue? One hopes so. If there are any other questions, please, feel free to pass them our way!