An Assortment of…Something

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Sarah: “Look, you’ve stolen time, the sun, possibly the space-time continuum AND the flux capacitor. But you may NOT HAVE MY SHIRT, BUB!”

Candy: Dude, he’s totally going to reach into her chest and rip out her implants and run away screeching with delight because NOW HE WILL HAVE THE BIGGEST MAN-TITTIES OF ALL, YES HE WILL PRECIOUSSSSSSS. And she knows it, too, but she’s a romance novel heroine, so all she can do is sit there and gaze, limpid-eyed into the distance, and quiver gently.

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Sarah: That dude above needs to give THIS chick the shirt. I think it’s a chick anyway. It might be a man with cantaloupes glued to his chest. I’m not entirely sure.

Candy: Whoa. I think I might’ve seen this chick on the cover of the “Midgets Who Love Getting Fucked in the Ass By Chicks” porn DVD.

In any case, that is one of the scariest beckoning fingers I have ever seen. RUN, MOTHERFUCKER, RUN.

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Sarah: Can someone tell me why he has skunk hair? And why long flowing hair that looks like one mess of tangles is supposed to be the essential image of romance?

I mean, Candy and I just experienced Caribbean Splendor, and if our hair looked like that, I’d be alarmed.

Not to mention her fingers are broken or twisted. Ouch. She must have been trying to comb that hair.

Candy: The amount of L’Oreal Féria required to dye that chippy’s hair boggles the mind. She must buy them in gallon tubs at Costco or summat.

And good call on the finger thing, Sarah. Dude has a total fetish for the knobbly feel of broken fingers scraping across his chest.

(Tangent: MAN, I need to try and get a screencap off that one episode of Sealab 2021 in which Captain Murphy goes all nuts and institutes Martian Law and dubs Marco “Sir Phobos, Beater of Ass” and then proceeds to beat the shit out of Sparks’ fingers, because Sparks’ fingers? Look about as fucked-up as that chick’s does.)

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Sarah: Here is my unanswered prayer: NO MORE CROTCH SHOTS. A crotch on the cover does not say romance any more than long hair. The crotch? It says, “Hello. I am a groin.”

Candy: Nothing says true love like heads superimposed on crotches, unless it’s heads superimposed on crotches in an effort to hide the massive wet spot.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Victoria Dahl says:

    Unanswered Prayers. . . Reminds me of my unanswered prayers in the seventh grade when I wanted to be a designer so bad. I drew that exact hat on a girl wearing a magenta satin mini dress and black lace stockings. Except my hat had the netting coming down. Over just one eye. (Of course.)

    Everybody join me in a chorus of Purple Rain!

  2. 2

    I only want 2 C U laughing in the purple rain…

  3. 3

    That guy in the picture should totally be a tiny golden-skinned man with a fake mole, tons of mascara, and a coy/sexy look that says “I’ll fuck you with heels on and you’ll thank me for it. I make doves cry, baby girl.”

  4. 4
    Victoria Dahl says:

    And, Jennifer, you know I would die 4 U.

  5. 5

    So, Victoria, clear this up for me:  Is he wearing the heels while this is going on, or is she?  Or are they both in heels?  And who pays for the torn sheets?

  6. 6
    Victoria Dahl says:

    HE’S wearing the heels. And bolero pants. And he’s still three inches shorter, even when the girl takes off her bitchin hat.

    And you don’t need sheets when you’re doin’ it on the leaf-strewn shores of Lake Minnetonka.

    Come on. Even the guy’s hairstyle could be superimposed on Prince’s head and it would totally work! Hmm. Maybe it’s too Morris Day.

    Sorry, am I off topic? hee

  7. 7

    >>And you don’t need sheets when you’re doin’ it on the leaf-strewn shores of Lake Minnetonka.< <

    Oooh, I like the part where the mosquitoes carry them off!

    Darlene, who’s been on the leaf-strewn shores of Lake Minnetonka

  8. 8
    Amanda says:

    IMO, the A Stolen Time couple look positively normal compared to the other three.

    The C.H.A.S.E. 2 cover is terrifying. It could be a transvestite- boobs, but very masculine face & hands & no other identifying genetalia either way.

    About the chick on Caribbean Splendor? She could at least use some of her Feria to dye her brows as well. And have a professional wax job done.

    Unanswered Prayers, what can I say? I never thought to ask for answers from a crotch. I never thought to pray to a crotch either. The guy reminds me of someone on tv, but I can’t remember who (whom?).

  9. 9

    The guy reminds me of

    Beau Bridges?

  10. 10
    Amanda says:

    MMM…could be. How about Parker Stevenson from the Hardy Boys? Dunno for sure.

  11. 11
    Keziah Hill says:

    What’s that wire crotch thing she’s wearing? Looks painful.

  12. 12
    Keziah Hill says:

    Forgot to mention what I was looking at in the previous post – the scary CHASE 2.

  13. 13
    CindyS says:

    Damn, I find A Stolen Time very sexy in the ‘ooops, I fell down and tore my blouse wide open’ kinda way.  He’s just helping her up – he reminds me of that actor who was in the last movie with Debra Messing.  He’s hot, but shouldn’t speak.

    CHASE 2 – RUN, MOTHERFUCKER, RUN.  I’m right behind you!!

    Caribbean Splendor – Fuck L’Oreal!  The gel needed to keep the man mane from succombing to gravity must be immense!  Either that or they are in a tornado –  might explain the broken fingers.

    Crotch shot – if that’s a picture of the man’s crotch then I get the whole ‘unanswered prayers’ title because that man needs a sock or something!  (if the woman’s lips were huge and her body were death thin I would suggest she looks like Angelina Jolie but I suspect we’re all running from that kind of crap!)

    CindyS

  14. 14

    I’d been away a while, and popping back today for a break from edits, I recall why you ladies will always have my undying love. The my-precious man titty thief made me laugh myself into a coughing fit.

    A Stolen Time, Subtitle: PMS on the Range. That is one pissed off looking chickadee.

    The Chase 2 chick has a Star Trek Communicator on her crotch. One of Kirk’s one nighters, no doubt.

    As for Caribbean Splendor, I actually have long hair that tangles badly. I’ve never broken my fingers, but I have broken a couple of hairbrushes.

    Unanswered Prayers showcases two sitcom stars: Lisa Whelchel and Alan Thicke in their new career as cover models.

  15. 15
    Erin O'Brien says:

    Why did they put that crotch-cage on the chick in the bustier and then give her a smooth, hairless, cleft-free Barbie doll snatch?

    Can’t even call it a snatch, really. It’s like a nothing. A plastic sexless nothing in a crotch cage.

    As usual, I am mystified.

  16. 16

    Would “Plain Brown Wrapper” be instructions on how to package the book for posting?

    And wasn’t “Crystal Crotch” a line of no-fuss, pre-pressed, elasticated-waist jeans with western belt-effect attachment detail? For the modern man, of course.

  17. 17
    Greg Morrow says:

    Best episode of Sealab 2021 ever.

  18. 18

    Stolen Time? Yes, that’s right Agent Broth – the aliens stole it! Aliens, you hear! Look at your watch! It’s 1887! They’ve sucked out your girlfriend’s brain and replaced it with radioactive cream cheese. She’s now an extraterrestrial zombie honey-trap for oversexed covert operatives, you fool. How do you think she chased you down and ripped your shirt off? No human woman could have managed that feat, I tell you!

    You’re so busy looking for the cache of dope you think she’s stuffed down her cleavage that you haven’t realised she’s summoning the mothership now. They’re coming to take you away. They’ll to turn you into a leather-clad, melon be-titted shemale sex slave. Look at the sky! The landing lights have turned it a yellow! Aaarrrggghhh!

    Ummm… think I’d better get some sleep. And lay off the Dr. Who.

  19. 19
    Gabriele says:

    Somewhere in the world of Romance cover designers there must be a giant red whig they use to suffocate unsuspecting victims with.

    And that second cover. Yikes. Just Yikes.

    Thanks for bringing back the cover fun.

  20. 20
    Gabriele says:

    Found another nice one for your Monday fun:

    click here

    This one is an English title, but I can find some really ugly German covers, too.

  21. 21
    Kate R says:

    gabriele? that space ballet cover might go beyond snarkdom straight into nightmareville. erghlgg wow.

  22. 22
    Kate R says:

    the SB’s offerings are nowhere near as scary as gabriele’s. in fact i bet that unanswered prayers guy is real popular at parties. (“hey check out what sid has in *his* pants!”)

  23. 23
    Gabriele says:

    Hey, I win.  :-)

    Let’s check this She supports herself on one arm, the second (complete with the golden emboridery at the wrist) lays along her body close to him, and the third is the one with the hand he kisses.

  24. 24
    Gabriele says:

    embroidery*

    dang typo demon :mad:

  25. 25

    Someone please:

    *call the Council of Man-Titte and inform them there’s a mad man-titty thief on the loose. (A Stolen Time)

    * inform Fox News that Bill O’Reilly’s dominatrix has been found, so she can come pick him up now. (Plain Brown Wrapper)

    * let Bertrice Small know her lice-infested cover models are running amok. (Caribbean Splendor)

    * and tell Lorenzo Lamas we found his belt buckle, and just for good measure let Barbara Bush know we found both one of her hats and her son Dubya’s AWOL balls on the cover of a Harlequin. (Unanswered Prayers)

    And when you’ve finished all that, give me a ring. I’ll be in bed moaning and clawing at my eyes, trying to get rid of the image of that come-hither crack-whore finger.

  26. 26
    Amy E says:

    Shudder at that second cover, Gabriele!  Does that title say “The Three-Handed Weird Chick Gets Some” in German or something?

  27. 27
    Gabriele says:

    Lol, no, it means “The Heart of the Wood” – three novels in one (and then the names of characters). It’s not even Romance, it’s Fantasy, and there isn’t a female MC anywhere in the blurbs and summaries I found.

    Hohlbein is a very popular Fantasy writer in Germany, and while some of his first books are pretty good, he now writes too much and it shows.

  28. 28
    Candy says:

    Holy crap, that’s actually the same cover as Christina Dodd’s Castles in the Air.

  29. 29
    Gabriele says:

    Candy, German publishers steal covers all the time, there were five or six on the thread in the Book Discussion Forum.

  30. 30
    Alyssa says:

    A Stolen Time is a gem of a cover compared to the rest.

    C.H.A.S.E. 2 simply frightens me. It’s too horrible for words. A plain brown wrapper would have made a better cover for this one.

    The skunk hair is the worst thing about the cover of Caribbean Splendor. Well, besides the broken fingers.

    As for Unanswered Prayers—I’m trying to figure out what the heroine is wearing on her head. Is it supposed to be a cowboy hat? And the hero looks a little like Treat Williams.

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