Have mercy, y’all. I’m not in labor yet but I totally busted my large gut at the reader-submitted covers. So today we present the Man Titty Hall of Fame, Volume 1.
Sarah: On a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the highest, I would say his man-titties rank a solid 3. Not as much cleavage or shadow as one would like, but he gets extra bonus points for the rock-hard diamonique nipples. And, he’s naked on the beach. Bet those sailors on that boat back there are enjoying the view!
Avast! A storm approacheth! Seek shelter under the eaves of the man-titty.
Candy: He’s either a sailor looking to dip himself on a sea of lurve or a crazy homeless guy, because DAMN that is one grubby looking bearer of Man-Tit. Either way, he looks really high. Is he on Ecstasy or something? That may explain his urge to go naked even though it’s obviously quite nippy out.
Captive Heart – Beware! The Smart Bitches hath decreed this cover Notte Worke Saffe!
Sarah: I had to make this one a popup because if someone saw that mess over your shoulder? Egads. Now, his man-titty score should be higher except that his are somewhat, how shall I say, deflated. Perhaps she’s not actually on her knees giving oral pleasure, but instead she’s gazing upwards to see if his man-titties are hanging folds of skin that she can hide secret messages under. Ever since he had his silicone man-titties removed last year, his usefulness as a warrior has been waning, but as a mule for cocaine, perhaps flat-titty man has promise!
Candy: Hey, look, a literal blowjob—she’s obviously inflating his man titties. Pneumatic mammaries are the wave of the future! And you’re right, Sarah, they are useful for cocaine smuggling. Probably why they’re popular among a certain set.
Sarah: Crown Jewels? He’s about to wank on the crown. Ew. Velvet is hard to clean dude. Better aim upwards at your level-4 man-titties. Due to the lighting I can’t score your pair on shadow-casting, but they have sufficient height to qualify as a Fine Pair of Man Boobs. You might want to talk to that other dude about the dangers of silicone, though.
Candy: Look at the way that crown is positioned. Dude, it’s totally attached to a regent, one who’s crawling all around the bed while humming the theme from Jaws. Moments after this picture was taken, the corpulent king totally went “RAHHH!” and jumped up on his love toy, then squealed with joy and asked whether Mr. Boobacious had been “weally, weally scared.”
Sarah: You, sir, are very subtle. There are two phallic crystals in your hands. They seem to be suspended in mid-air, almost erect by the power of their own levitation. So you must be trying to tell me that you have two man-titties, each suspended by forces unknown to nature. Not a lot of shadow, and your ass is too small, so good try to distract me with your puple man-crystals. However, your man-titties rate a 3.
Candy: Behold, the Holder of the Dildos! He will levitate the Holy Phallo-Crystal of your choice into your Chunnel of Love should his teeny peeny not satisfy.
Sarah: Extreme close up! Man Titty Style! Damn. Is it me, or is the nipple is in a weird place? And dare I suspect silicone enhancement? I’d say based on shadow, definition, and curvature, this dude ranks a 4.5. Congratulations, Mr. Completely Boobs, you are the Man Titty Hall of Fame inductee this week!
Candy: All the sleaziness of a strip club right at your fingertips. To think I normally pay a small fortune in tips when I could’ve had that germ farm feeling RIGHT IN MY HOME.
And Sarah, I agree: them’s some cross-eyed nipples thar.
oooo first guy has Condi Eyes.
Here’s a link and I have to give it a “not brain-safe” warning because it’s to Michelle Malkin. (Might want till you’re all alone to open it. Which is more potentially embarrassing? being caught reading Malkin or Coulter?).
http://michellemalkin.com/archives/003780.htm
Vox Day trumps both, Kate.
And thanks for the link. That picture is priceless. Who knew that Condi likes Ecstasy, too? I haven’t steeled myself to read the text yet, but hey, it’s Malkin. Not sure if I have enough steel in me to do that.
Am I the only one who found the woman’s hair on the cover of Captive Hearts to be a wee bit phallic itself? Maybe instead of giving him a blow job she snapped his manly bits off with her teeth and used it to produce that interesting cyllindrical (yeah, I can’t spell today) shape in her hair. Or perhaps the braid with its arrow like tail is there to let us know that the oral we are witnesses will be followed up by some anal (as that is where it is pointing).
Thanks for the laugh! I almost spit tea on my laptop…and on my couch…and on my pants. It would have been a big ol’ mess.
L
If laughing over these covers doesn’t cause Sarah to have contractions, then I don’t know what will! I nearly busted a bladder myself laughing over these. And the Captive Hearts one! This is a novel aimed at women, fercryin’ out loud! Why don’t we have a cover of him munching her muffin instead? With a nice shot of his ass and no man-titty?
I think the girl in Captive Hearts is trying to back the guy into the fire. Can’t you hear her internal dialogue?
“Oh God, Maybe if i fix my gaze on his breasts i wont notice how green his…Oh shite its moving … ewww! Okay another two feet and i’m rid of him. I but my hands on his hips and i push before he touches me.”
MM
Okay, so I just realized I forgot to send my links to Candy. Oops. WIll do that now.
Listen, I did my best to induce Sarah by sending her a plethora…nay, a multitude…of craptastic covers.
And to my delight, 2 were used today! Wheee! Can’t wait to see what you do with the rest!
Omigod, E.D’trix: a good number of the ones you sent make it into our All-Time Most Heinous list. Like that KY Jelly wrestling cover with glistening SIMs…. But that’s another week’s worth of snarking. Hopefully I’ll be able to do it justice while keeping my breakfast down.
All the sleaziness of a strip club right at your fingertips. To think I normally pay a small fortune in tips when I could’ve had that germ farm feeling RIGHT IN MY HOME.
Thanks. I choked on my coffee and have to clean off my monitor yet AGAIN. A fabulous way to start a Monday, Ladies.
*goes off humming theme to “Jaws”*
#3: That’s not a crown, that’s a bear trap. Yowch.
And apropos of #2, may I just say that I love working in a library. Anything short of hard-core porn qualifies as “work safe” here. Man titty at the Smart Bitches? Just researching romance novel reviews!
On that note, time for me to get back to the book mines.
I’m way more disturbed by Mr. Blackbird’s scary wig and eyes than his torso. His eyes look like the ones on sekrit-spy portraits that follow you as you walk by.
My first thought on Crown Jewels, was he got smashed off that bottle of Crown Royal (http://www.beerliquors.com/buy/liquors/crownroyal.htm), danced around naked with a lampshade on his head, then passed out in an alley where he will soon be molested by mantit-o-philes.
My second thought was he was trying to out do David Duchovney’s tea cup on the genitalia photo-op (http://www.angelfire.com/sk/mulder/images/dav49.art). “Tea cups for Sissies! Me Crown my Jewels…Jewels…heh…Mongo think puns funny!”
Luckily I’ve learned to read this while my roommate is at work. 🙂 Man-titty covers may be my favorite feature.
Just when you thought it was safe to investigate man-titty..
Okay, you’re right. Too right.
Off to the art director!
And back again!
What’s so weird about levitating crystal dildos? The set I bought at the Amityville Yard sale do the same thing. Though there appears to be side affects. I keep having the urge to get a shotgun and go upstairs…
I’ll be back, one sec.
It looks like the Captive Heart guy’s ass is on fire. Better hope she has enough saliva left to put it out!
I’m betting our Bitchalicious hostesses have way, way more where these came from.
🙂
‘It looks like the Captive Heart guy’s ass is on fire.’
Now I have that song in my head by Mr. Bungle…It’s not funny, my ass is on fire…
Seriously. I had to dig out my copy.
http://www.last.fm/music/Mr.+Bungle/_/My+Ass+is+on+Fire
The eyes on Blackbird are weird. They look sharp while the rest of the man’s face has a soft focus.
There really are no words to describe Captive Heart‘s cover. What is up with those chains? The links are as big as the man’s biceps. His facial expression seems pretty uninterested, too.
The Crown Jewels cover just makes me laugh. Hope the guy is careful—certain parts of the crown look sharp.
OK, there are so many frightening things aout the Mystic Keepers cover that I don’t know where to begin. I think you two covered it nicely. What’s up with a man who has to go around carrying two large, phallic crystals? I’ll tell you what’s not likely to be up. Heh heh.
As for Completely Yours, I wish he’d just left off the tie. It makes him look like a stripper. Or maybe he is a stripper.
‘The eyes on Blackbird are weird. They look sharp while the rest of the man’s face has a soft focus.’
Bad photoshop tinkering?
The Blackbird guy has a weird, slack-jawed look. And that hair looks like it was Photoshopped in from a picture of Loretta Lynn.
I went and asked my art director…turned out the cover for Captive Heart was the wrong one. It has been corrected.
http://www.ebookad.com/coverart/xsize/x19497.jpg
Is it just me or does Captive Heart boy (2nd pic) have a serious nose cold? If so, I would so not want to be the shortie squatting under that downspout.
*sniff sniff* yah, baby…*snnniiiffff*
mmhhhh…*snort hack hack*…swaddow it… *drip*
OK, that new Captive Heart cover? Soni is right, le héro looks like he has a case of la grippe.
Also, instead of seeming like she’s giving him a blowjob now, it looks like he’s checking out her teeth. “Open your jaw wider, honey—they tell me you can tell the age of whores by their teeth. What? Oh, HORSES. Ooops, my bad.”
Re: Blackbird. When nipples have their own shadows, that’s an automatic Level 5. Or Level 0.
The girl looks prettier in the newer Captive Heart, but it now appears that there’s an entire room on fire behind the hero.
Also, there’s a gap between the ceiling and the wall. Maybe the scene was rendered from a 3D game, with the characters pasted in front? A lot of the scenery model components in games like Neverwinter Nights aren’t made to be looked at too closely because they don’t always seamlessly fit together.
Well, you all have SPOILED me. I blog daily, and pulled out an old, old article to use (yes, I have been seriously writing since 1994, I just have only been published since 2001)…and I was talking about covers, and a reader asked me to post the covers on the blog. So I found the covers and put them up. And at first glance all I thought was MAN-TITTY!
**shaking head** Can’t look at a guy-cover any more (and happy am I that the chest of the guy on the HeartMate cover—soon to go away—is hidden under a nice white shirt. Of course they did that so they could show the “magacal element” of the book—the chain with a heart which he never wears…
Oh, boy, digression city this am.
Robin
‘OK, that new Captive Heart cover? Soni is right, le héro looks like he has a case of la grippe. ‘
Ok, ya got me. It was for our new line of mucusphile stories. They’re an untapped market, and we believe in taking opportunities when they arise.