Warning: several of these images aren’t what one would consider work-safe. So: click on “More, more, more” only if you’re feeling exceptionally brave and you’re sure there’s nobody behind you who’d have a coronary if they catch a glimpse of some beastly goings-on. Or if you feel the need to sear those retinas yet again. Whichever.
Candy: Remember that sick joke I told a while back about clowns and sex and five-year-olds?
Yeah. Just substitute “five-year-old” with “scary little pixie thing.”
I’m going to propose this as a rule of thumb: if you’re not sure if you should swat away the thing clinging to your knee or fuck it, I say you should play it safe and swat it.
Sarah: La Violette, she climbs the cliffs of man-titty with only a toe-hold on his big, hard kneecap. I wonder if she’ll need oxygen once she reaches the heights of his hair.
Candy: Scaly claws on bare nipples—now THAT’s romance. Next up: aliens bursting through your chest cavity = real love.
Sarah: You know the dragon is thinking, “Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?”
Candy: My first thought was “Oh, ew, gang-rape in progress.”
Then I realized that obviously, all of this has to be consensual because the dude is tickling her armpit with his unnaturally elongated thumb. HOT!
Sarah: What exactly is the kneeling dude resting his hand on? Is that her behind? Is she a… whatever you call a cross between a human and a camel?
Candy: See, this is what happens when I try to be facetious: apparently, some people DO think fucking something that gestated in an unsuspecting human’s thoracic cavity is romantic. How ‘bout this for another a rule of thumb: Don’t fuck something that looks like it could’ve head-punched its way through somebody’s sternum during one of its key formative stages.
Sarah: Candy is cracking me up. I’d add to her list of rules, “Do not fuck anything that may be so sticky that it causes your calves to stick to its ass.”
I gotta say, on the hot pixie love…my hubby is 14 inches taller than I . I wonder if we look…freakish??? Eeewww! 😛
Becca—no. way.
My kid is listening to HP5 and Hagrid just described his parents—giant mum, human dad. I walk to the computer pondering that bizarre coupling, sit down and see the reverse situation right off the bat. as it were.
“my hubby is 14 inches taller than I.”
Well, sheeit, my husband is 18 inches taller than me—I’m 5’2” and he’s 6’8”. So I know allllll about the freaky-deaky “short girl + giant man” jokes.
And yeah, we look kind of freakish together. If I sit on his lap, I look like a ventriloquist’s dummy.
I’m still not small enough to swat off, though.
I’ve been waiting for this. After a long weekend of cooking, cleaning and too much good food, I needed some cover snark to get my brain moving again. Thank you, ladies.
Any time, Darlene! It is our pleasure to jump start the brain cells with cover snark!
I’m laughing but I’m also very very afraid of these covers. I do not know what to think about the last one. What on earth could he possibly be, exactly, and how could the author make it sexy?
Yikes! The dude in The Huntress looks like that kid in Buffy after Bad Willow ripped all his skin off. Someone is in need of alot of ointment.
Alternate titles for The Huntress:
Love in the Time of Severe Ichthyosis
Sometimes, You Just Gotta Throw Them Back
Me And You And a Giant Halibut Named Blue
The One That DIDN’T Get Away
I amend my rule: do not fuck anything that looks like it has been flayed by bad Willow.
Also: “It’s not priapism. I’m actually stuck to you, you adhesive freak!”
lol I’ve actually read The Huntress! it’s um…interesting. Well, you do get people who complain that aliens in romances are always just human-like. Huntress guy…double penis and semen that tastes like cinnamon, if I remmeber right. Well, things like that are kinda memorable. DOn’t crop up too often in books, you know. *g*
Well you know what they say, “If it’s Monday, it must be alien double penises.”
And semen that tastes like cinnamon? What a line. “No seriously, suck my cock. It’ll taste like Dentyne.” Nicole, did they mention if it burns? Imagine getting a cinnamon money shot! Yeeowch!
Cinnamon???????????
OMFG. I think I just burned off all my Thanksgiving calories by rolling on the floor and laughing.
La Violette Looking at this cover I can’t help but thing, “You know if her head was flat he could rest a beer can there while she…”
Yeah, I know. Not very creative. But it’s really the flying thing behind them that got the most of my snark. If you’re going to use Poser and try to have fantasy creatures on your covers, you might want to try to make fantasy creatures that, gee, I dunno, look like their wings can hold them up? It’s just a thought.
Dragon’s Tribute The woman is thinking, “I have tamed the beast with my beauty!”
The dragon is thinking, “No hair, no fur, no claws, just soft pink LUNCH!”
Hunter’s Prey Yawn. If you’ve seen one half-dead Poser menage a trois, you’ve seen ‘em all.
That thumb is pretty scary though. What do you want to bet his thumb is bigger than his Luuurve-Muscle?
The Huntress Otherwise known as, “The Swamp Thing I Did Last Summer.”
*chuckle* Thank you, ladies. A perfect Monday treat, as usual.
You guys crack me up! Thanks for the great jokes, but the covers are scary too. What kind of imagination came up with the grey scaly thing, and why would you want to fuck it?
Sue
La Violetta…his man titties are bigger than her head. To quote my daughter…“that’s just sick and wrong.”
Sure, we’re laughing, but in some far right corner of the RWA, someone’s collecting these covers in a box marked “evidence.” Just wait for the next poll. Come to think of it, are you sure the folks responsible for the swamp creature aren’t trying<
to sink the progressive Romance cause? Because, DAMN, that thing looks like a cross between the Oscar statuette and a tadpole. Do you think he ripped her eyes out or did she once she realized what she’d done?
I think I just wet myself [reference to calves sticking to that things ass]!
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never, ever fail to get a laugh off these descriptions. But agh! Do your ears hang low? I’ll be humming it all night!
Humming and giggling. LOL!!
The best part about The Huntress is that the font is that dot-ridden thing that sorority girls use, all perky and happpy and totally unrelated to the hideousness of the picture.
I gotta say… I’m tempted to read the last one. It looks kind of cool.
::ducks::
Dragon’s Tribute
‘You are so sexy in blue I just can’t help myself. Eat me!’
He does.
Hunter’s Prey
Obviously two gay guys trying out a woman for the first time. Woman is bored. Guy in back thinks her armpit is an erotic zone and if she arches much harder to get his lover to even look at her boobs her back will snap. She’s thinking that even though hetero’s can be produce fucking freaks, at least they know a better place to put their thumb.
The Huntress
Him: I will release you from this dungeon but only if you have sex with me.
Her: Ew. But, I saw a dragon on the premises so okay.
Everything is fine as long as she doesn’t look at him so she clings like a woman to chocolate. When he’s through she goes to get off but can’t move. He’s turned into fly paper. He laughs.
Him: I probably should have mentioned that the black widow is a close relative.
Horror overwhelms her as she realizes she escaped being a dragon’s lunch to becoming the desert of an insect man.
CindyS
Thank you so much for that LaViolette cover—now I’ll have an image in my head for those irritating descriptions in some romances. You know the ones—where she puts on his shirt after sex and it drags on the floor, her head only comes up to the middle of his chest, etc.
Mr. Violette is the missing link. Having recently learned to walk (nearly) upright he betook his muscular, (usually) bipedal but hairy frame to the salon for the full-body wax ‘n’ buff special in order to more easily blend into contemporary “Cro” society. With masculine arrogance, he also boldly opted for a lash perm without a patch test. If he lived he would soon bitterly regret this impetuous behaviour.
A reaction to the solution caused his eyelids to swell up and glue shut. Enraged by the experience, he stormed out without having the deep conditioning treatment on his matted mane of hair (you try living in trees) or paying. The salon manager immediately despatched her most innocent-looking and diminuative hair stylist after him on the grounds she was least likely to be killed. She was ordered to use whatever wiles she possessed to make him return before any other customers could see him.
Grabbing on to Mr. V’s legs to prevent him running away, the stylist purred seductively, “Look how shiny-smooth my hair is. We have the latest ceramic devices. Return, I beg thee, for a soothing camomile eye rinse and complimentary pedicure.” But he ignored her in his agony, bellowing magnificently, “You witches have blinded me! I cannot seeeeee!”
Unfortunately, the peculiar harmonics of his anguished beastial howls incorporated strange infrasonic waves. These enraged the dread flying pterodactyls nesting in the abandoned castle nearby. Driven by instinct to silence the source of this maddening noise, they took flight and plunged towards the naked couple with terrifying speed, their barbed claws ready for the attack. Hampered by the clinging stylist; blind, naked and weaponless save his rough, ungroomed opposable toes, how could Mr. V save himself and the stylist now?
I was fine until I got to the pterodactyls. Then I spewed coffee.
Another winner from EAP.
Whoa. Whoa.
“Oh, Ohh, Ohhh…your skin, your skin feels…just like a cheese grater.” And you thought rug burn was bad. Actually I can’t decide if the huntress’alien has a scratchy, cheese grater-like hide or the slimy stickiness of a swamp thing/skinned guy, as others have pointed out. Either way, his friend, along with her bedraggled skunk-lady mullet, looks miserable, as well she should.
Seriously though, it’s that pixy/caveguy cover that will stay with me today.
I’m Back> And so are the covers. These poser covers are just too easy to snark, it’s like shooting fish in a tea cup. Sometimes, it’s almost more pathetic than funny. I actually do like the dragon cover though—the dragon is pretty. And it’s funny because it looks like they stole somebody’s high fantasy 1000-page novel cover and stuck a nekkid woman in the middle of it.