Best Bitchery

Yes, that’s right: We’re going to put up YET ANOTHER sidebar item. This one’s going to be a collection of our greatest hits. Someone who’s new to the site can browse some of our best bitchery and get a feel for the site, while those of you who’ve been around for a while can re-visit old favorites and snicker away.

A lot of our bitchery is made extraordinary only because of the comments—my ramble about rape in romance is largely an incoherent mess, for example, but the people who contributed comments made it a lively and informative discussion. I’m also thinking of instituting a “best tangent” category because some of our best and funniest posts veered sharply off-topic, like that time we started ripping on the Thundercats and He-Man in a Covers Gone Wild entry.

So, what would you classify as some of our best articles/reviews/discussions? Here are some of the more memorable ones for us:

15 Things That Only Happen in Romances

Talking About the R Word

You Like Me! You Really, Really Like Me!

Defining Romances: No Ickiness, Please

Romance: It’s Only For Monogamous Hetero Couples!

You Read Like A Girl

Erotica = Literature, Romance = Formula. GOT THAT? (this is one of my favorites mostly because of E.D’Trix’s absolutely horrifying excerpt of a salmon-y sex scene she had to edit)

On A Wicked Dawn

The RWA will never link to this site…

Carpathian Madness (aka all Carpathian novels by Christine Feehan)

You’re shittin’ me. Please tell me you’re shittin’ me (a.k.a. The Big RITA Trainwreck)

The Contemporary Romance Drinking Game

Paranormal Romance Chit-Chat, now with Bonus Paranormal Drinking Game!

Man Titty Contest / Vote for your favorite haiku/ oh, literate tit!

Masturbation and fanfic and WOO DAMN loads of TMI in this entry so be warned (this makes the grade because of the spam haiku)

Post your suggestions in our comments, and we’ll trim this down so it’s a manageable 10- or 15-item list.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    “You Read Like A Girl”, “The R Word”, the Man-Titty haiku (oh, Lord, was that good,) and “The Big RITA TrainWreck” were my faves. Honorable mention to the Carpathian one despite its non-mention of the watersports in all the Carpathian novels. (We know someone has a thing for jacuzzis, now don’t we?)

    Really, there’s so much good stuff it’s hard to decide…

  2. 2
    Amanda says:

    My favorites are: “Defining Romance”, “Erotica=Literature”, “15 Things”, Masturbation & Fanfic”, & “Man Titty Haiku”. I agree with Lilith, though, there’s so much great stuff.

  3. 3

    My faves are “You Read Like a Girl”, “The RITA Trainwreck” and “The R Word”.  But it’s hard to narrow it down.

  4. 4

    The recent Drive By Rant was good. And I really enjoyed the Big RITA trainwreck. But it’s darn hard to narrow down so much good bitching. Maybe you should put up something like your ad space with random, revolving postings.

  5. 5
    CindyS says:

    Where are the ass pirates?

    Chanting begins.

    Ass pirates, ass pirates, ass pirates!

    Best book review ever!

    Oh and any blog that mentions donkey kocks or monkey balls!


  6. 6
    Doug Hoffman says:

    Thank you VERY much. You’ve just killed my free time. I’ll be coming back to this all damned weekend.

    Free head at my place, by the way.

  7. 7
    Sam says:

    Oh, why do I stop by here? Procrastination is my middle name, and now I have even More reasons to dawddle…
    Let’s see – Man tittie was fun, as was
    15 things that won’t happen in romance (or was it 15 things that ONLY happen in a romance book? Or is that a future blog post?)

  8. 8
    melaniemiriam says:

    Even though it’s not bitchery per se, I think you should add an edition of covers gone wild to the list.  You could put up one of the man-tit editions to complement the haiku contest.  Covers Gone Wild is one of my favorites, and never fails to put a smile on your face.  And it’s a constant feature, and would definitely help new readers get acquainted with the site.  (And of course, to get them acquainted with many a bulging pectoral.)

  9. 9
    Candy says:

    Free head at my place, by the way.

    Ahhh, just when I was getting sick and tired of paying for it. Doug, you are a genius.

    And CindyS, thanks for reminding me about our review of Pirate’s Price! Holy cow (or goose, as the case may be), that book was fun to review.

    And Sam, we actually did create a post about things that won’t happen in romances. Some of which were debunked in the comments, hee hee. But I’ll have to look it up and see if it’s worthy.

  10. 10
    Kate R says:

    man titty because when you’re think man titty, you think SB all the way!

    and yes, the TMI haikus hmmmm
    what elssssse.
    Drinking game
    15 things

    Happy Smart Bitches Day. Come rant with me ie say it better, please.

  11. 11
    Kate R says:

    paying for it? IT? Does the very tall husband charge?

    I can get my husband to do it for free, but all he can make is clam chowder and Kraft dinner so we’re not talking a great deal.

  12. 12
    shiloh says:

    Erotica = Literature, Romance = Formula. GOT THAT?

    That one… definitely that one for me.


  13. 13
    Lisa #2 says:

    I vote for the Masturbation and Fanfic entry.  The spam haiku in the comments were the funniest things I’ve read in ages.  So good in fact that I had to cut, paste and email to my husband.  A classic example of how the comments end up making a blog entry a masterpiece of plain ole freaky shit!

  14. 14
    E.D'Trix says:

    I vote for Salmon Erotica, cause Damn it, if I have to relive it, everyone does!

    Also RITA trainwreck and Maturbation, cause you can never have too much Spam Haiku, can you?

    Oh Sweet Spam Haiku,
    Slippery, meaty and pink
    Literary Pork

  15. 15
    Candy says:

    Spam smut rocks my world.
    Hormel’s Hot Lunch beats Cleveland
    Steamer any day.

  16. 16
    Kate R says:

    dammit Candy—how do you KNOW these things?

    First Santorum and now Cleveland Steamer.

    Thanks for sharing.

  17. 17
    Doug Hoffman says:

    It could always get worse, Kate. The coup de grace is a Dirty Sanchez after that Cleveland Steamer.

    What’s a Santorum? I missed that one. Lemme guess: sex with a dog?

  18. 18
    E.D'Trix says:

    Oh. Dear. Lord. Cleveland Steamer has now scarred my psyche forevermore.

    Sweet nice spam haiku
    Made oh-so wrong and shameful
    What’s next? Spam butt plug?

  19. 19
    Candy says:

    Awww, c’mon, you guys didn’t miss my Hot Lunch reference, right?

    New craze sweeps German
    scheisse films: Spam insertions
    up Hershey Highway.

    Doug: check out this website for all you need to know about santorum. I love Dan Savage for many reasons; making Spreading Santorum the top Google search result for Santorum is but one of them.

  20. 20
    E.D'Trix says:

    Candy asked for it
    Blocks of Spam wedging and pop!
    Double Spametration.

    (Okay, so double spametration is 6 syllables…it was worth it!)

  21. 21
    fiveandfour says:

    Oh holy lord. 

    Some days I feel like an innocent little lamb, gamboling across the fields chasing butterflies on a warm spring day with blue skies and fluffy clouds.  In my blissful ignorance, I have no inkling of what Farmer Joe has planned for me after dark when the missus is asleep.

  22. 22
    Candy says:

    OK, you know what song is playing through my head right now?

    “Spaaaaaaametrate good times COME ON! It’s a spametration…”

  23. 23
    fiveandfour says:

    Hey – and this is apropos of nothing, as you’ll see in a second – I just noticed the statement that pops up when my mouse hovers over the web-page name for Smart Bitches. 

    Has that been there awhile and I just noticed?

  24. 24
    Candy says:

    Web page name? Huh, do you mean the banner or the title bar of your browser? I did update our web page title recently so that it now reads “Smart Bitches: Come for the Dominican Bitches, Stay for the Man-Titty” a couple of weeks ago—is that what you’re referring to?

  25. 25
    fiveandfour says:

    Yep, that’s what I’m talking about.  (I had learned the real names for things like that once upon a time and forgot them – and now it’s kind of a bittersweet thing to think about because the person who taught me was killed in the Twin Towers.  I find it strange that I can remember so clearly the experience of being taught, but have completely forgotten the content of the teaching.  Hoo boy, I’m just full of wildly off topic subject matter today.)  Anyway.  I didn’t notice the title thingies until I had about 5 Internet sites open today and Explorer bunched them all together in a list.  When I clicked on the list to select a destination, the “Dominican Bitches” wording popped up.  Since this isn’t the first time I’ve had a list of sites bunched together in the last couple of weeks, that lets you in on the strength of my powers of observation.  I think I’m destined to be that little old lady driver who causes the accidents and defends herself with “but there wasn’t a stop sign there!” when, in fact, it had been there for a good 5 years.

  26. 26
    Kate R says:

    4&5, re: sliding even further off-topic old drivers.

    stop signs are one matter—just don’t end up like this dude.,,11965-4929313,00.html

  27. 27
    fiveandfour says:

    Wow.  Just wow.  I hope I’m smart enough to stop driving before I’m that far gone…but then again, if I’m that far gone, will I know it or will it all seem perfectly normal and rational to me? 

    And thus I can return to my state of blissful ignorance, gamboling with the butterflies once more.  Hey, did you see what I did there? I circled back on my off-topic ramblings and so now it doesn’t count that I’ve been on some strange side trip today and using the scenic route at that, right?  Right?

    Oh well, hell, since I’ve been off topic all day anyway I may as well go one further and ask a question: Candy and Sarah, does your hosting software allow you to do polls?  Maybe that would make it easier to compile the votes for your greatest hits? I’d probably ruin the results by voting for everything, because, honestly, how can one choose, but I figured I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb since either way I’m mutton in the end.

    OK, I’m done now, I promise.  I’ll keep my fingers well away from a keyboard until, at a minimum, I’ve had a decent night’s sleep.

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top