Looking in the face of E-vil: More E-book Covers Gone Wrong

Sarah:

Beavis: Whoa!
Butthead: WHOA!
Beavis: She’s like, naked! With armbands!
Butthead:Huh huh. Yeah.
Beavis: And she’s gonna get stabbed by that CHURCH! YEAH!
Butthead: Huh huh.That’s cool.
Beavis: Stab her! Stab her in the BUTT!
Butthead: Huh huh huh huh. Tell her to move her hand first so we can see her boobs.
Beavis: Yeah! BOOBS
Butthead: Yeah. Huh huh.

Candy: Wow. I can hear the headlines: “Devastating S&M Tragedy! Woman’s spine pierced through with a pointy castle roof. Find out more about this deadly new fetish. Pointy castle roof fetishists: are they warping our children’s minds? THEY’RE OUT OF THE CLOSET—AND IN OUR STREETS! More at 11.”

Sarah: Gosh, could that hero look any more excited about the posing hottie in front of him?

Ho hum. Another Scarlet Cavern. Gee. There are some boobs. They look rather large and oblong, like someone pulled them southward.

Hmm. Perhaps I’m not the first to enter her scarlet cavern. It is a cavern after all.

Candy: Man, that is possibly THE nastiest peroxide job to end all peroxide jobs on that chick there—and there have been some really skanky-lookin’ blondes on romance novel covers.

And the guy… I could’ve sworn I saw him on Faces of Meth. If he isn’t on there already, he will be soon. He also needs a Silkwood shower in the worst way. That’s probably why he doesn’t look too excited by the equally nasty blonde hobag stripping down in front of him. He’s too busy suppressing the urge to scratch at his scabies.

Sarah: Now that I’ve started breathing again after falling on the floor in twisty laughter, let me attempt to address just one thing that is wrong with this cover.

Does she have a tumor on her ass? Or a saddle horn? Because her back isn’t long enough for the dude to be holding onto her ass. My ass doesn’t curve around like that. My back doesn’t bend like that, either.

Candy: The force of attraction… of being a certified proctologist.

Romance novel cover models really need to learn that Astroglide is their friend. Really, look at all the pained expressions. All those dry runs up Hershey Creek make Baby Jesus a sad panda.

Sarah: The ride in question is the lowride of her jeans, I bet. Even SIMs should not have to have a bikini wax before they put their jeans on.

Man, he has some little hands on the ends of those beefy arms, too.

Jeez louise.

Candy: The danger in this ride is the elevated risk of contracting genital herpes. That, and getting splinters in your ass from humping on that rickety-ass looking fence.

Man, these models look naaarsty. What the hell is up with that hair? Did she superglue it on to her titties? Why? To cover the fact that she has more nipple hair? Or the fact that one of her nipples bears a disturbing resemblance to Doogie Howser’s face? Inquiring minds want to know.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Stef says:

    Ask and we shall receive.  Thanks!  Procrastination, thou art my friend.

    I’m thinkin’ Force of Attraction chick is attempting to exorcise Dr. Spock from her backside.  Dude has pointy ears.

  2. 2
    Jaci Burton says:

    I think on Force of Attraction the hero is into that seldom-discussed-in-polite-society fart-sniffing fetish and clearly has passed out from the sheer bliss of it all. And I can snark on Mandy’s cover cuz I wuv her and she knows it *g*.

    And the SB’s can snark on my covers anytime they’d like ;-)

  3. 3

    Phantasie chick has some awesome boobage… is that some weird ass elecrical power shooting out from her nipple?

    Scarlet Cavern. worst. title. ever.

    Force of Attraction. It took me ages to even see the guy, such was the deformity of the pose.

    Dangerous Ride. Did you notice her hands tied to the railing? but apart from the already noted tiny hands of the man… I like the cover.

    X

  4. 4

    Proof that amateurs should not create SIM life forms. Leave it to computer gods; ‘cause otherwise it just goes so terribly terribly wrong..

    About the Phantasie chick: what is shootin’ out of her nipples? And why is her other hand flying away like Vampire Hunter D’s weirdass hand-twin thing?

    Scarlet Cavern: Billy Ray Cyrus knew he should be excited. But how many times could he look at a skank like Mary Jo before blowing chunks?

    And I agree: that title’s pretty bad. How long do you think it took them to come up with it?

    Force of Attraction: Once again I have sprayed coffee over my monitor. Okay, so he’s trying to stuff his ear up her butt the hard way? WTF? How can she possibly be in that position without a cracked spine? And why is the guy shadowed out? Are we not supposed to see him until we take a second look? Is he supposed to be a ghost extruded from her behind? Is she a modern Mrs. Muir who’s eaten one too many chili burritos?

    I cannot even begin to speak of Dangerous Ride, because if I do I won’t be able to stop and they will have to cart me away in a straitjacket, laughing uncontrollably and snorting “Nipple Hair! Nipply Hair and Teensy Hands!” at the top of my lungs. In the interests of self-preservation, I shall refrain…

  5. 5
    SB Sarah says:

    In “Scarlet Cavern,” I just noticed something- what is he holding? A hairbrush so as to tame her peroxide locks? A sorority rush paddle? What is that?

  6. 6

    I’m thinkin’ it’s a paddle. Note the holes, custom-made so you don’t have to beat your skank with a spatula anymore… Hmmm…

  7. 7

    I saw it. Only thought—paddle.
    Cause it’s an underground cavern you know, where a river runs through it… a Scarlet River.. eww I just grossed myself out.

    X

  8. 8
    SB Sarah says:

    Scarlet river…cavern…paddle….

    *wheeze*

  9. 9
    Anders says:

    I have to wonder if that guy on Scarlet Cavern is supposed to look like a caveman.

  10. 10
    fiveandfour says:

    I’m thinking the chick on Phantasie is wearing a blindfold because she poked an eye out or scratched a cornea while putting in her contacts with those claw-like things at the ends of her arms.  Are those supposed to be hands with nails or what?  ::Shudder::

    I didn’t realize there was a new sub-genre of romance for the meth crowd.  It’s almost a shame that the Scarlet Cavern models so perfectly captured the tweaking been-up-for-days look: how will they be able to keep up the high standards set by this cover month-in and month-out?  On the plus side, I can just about smell the dark side of humanity on those two cover models so thumbs up to the artist for evoking a scene almost too well.  I’d say this artist could do very well in raising awareness and sympathy for meth addicts in the general populace, but that would likely evoke emotion and thus fall into the category of pornography, so never mind.

    Finally, I notice that Force of Attraction is a “Project Exorcism” story – perhaps an exorcism is what is being displayed there?  I can’t really make any sense out of the picture any other way.  My brain just can’t compute exactly what is going on there.

  11. 11
    Robyn says:

    To me Phantasie girl just looks like she’s about to milk herself. And with nails that long? OUCH!

  12. 12
    Saraswathi says:

    Actually, the blindfold thing isn’t a bad idea if you must use Poser.  At least you can’t see the model’s cold, dead Poser eyes that way. 

    But those talons… How on earth does she eat?

  13. 13

    I laughed so hard at _Force of Attraction_ that I scared my dog.  Oh man, this is definitely some serious “I’m into your farts” kink here.

    Thanks for making my Monday a little less mondayish.

  14. 14
    SB Sarah says:

    “Cold dead Poser eyes.”

    That had so better be the hallmark of a villain in an upcoming novel:

    “His eyes were flat. Expressionless. He had no soul behind his cold, dead Poser eyes.”

  15. 15

    >>“His eyes were flat. Expressionless. He had no soul behind his cold, dead Poser eyes.”< <

    Like, perhaps, Candy’s kick ass story? hint hint.

  16. 16

    I’m still trying to figure out what’s with Force of Attraction.  Is she a Centaur (centaurette?)? 

    Love the snark.  It made my day.

  17. 17
    HelenKay says:

    The Phantasie one is downright horrifying.  I apologize to the author, but – wow.  Really, wow. 

    I am now very grateful my first cover consists only of the title and authors names.  No scary photos or embarassing anything. [Reminder to send big basket of something fun to editor as a thank you….]

  18. 18
    AngieW says:

    Thanks to Sarah, I will forever have Force of Extraction stuck in my head when I see Mandy’s cover. Poor Mandy. Some day, she’ll even forgive me!

  19. 19
    Lee Goldberg says:

    Loved the comments about Phantasie. The cover is awful and so is the title…but I’m perplexed by the author’s name: “Kit Tunstall.” What kind of name is that? It sounds like a medical procedure involving the colon.

    By the way, all the covers you’ve, um, covered on your blog are better than mine for BEYOND THE BEYOND… a big erect penis coming out of a television set. And the publisher wonders why it didn’t sell as well as they hoped…

  20. 20
    Shannon says:

    I must be a total freak.  I’m a little intrigued by the Phantasie cover, and I really liked the title What An Earl Wants

    Why do I have a sudden urge to slip a burlap bag over my head and scream I am not an animal?

    And you have no idea how relieved I was when I saw my cover.  Nary a caveman or fart-fetish in sight.

  21. 21
    Doug Hoffman says:

    Okay, that guy in Scarlet Cavern is sooo Joe Dirt; and what’s he holding in his hand—a junior high corporal punishment paddle? His tool?

    And you’re right about “Cavern”. Reminds me of The Kama Sutra—deer man should not consort with elephant woman, ya know.

  22. 22
    Amy E says:

    Okay, I’ve heard of saline implants and silicone implants, but this is the first time I’ve seen the new and much-anticipated Pikachu implants.  I hear this new import will electrify the boob-inflating market, but beware—to attain the best rack, you’ve gotta catch ‘em all.

    Piiii… kaaaaa…. CHUUUUUU!!!!

  23. 23
    CindyS says:

    Phantasie

    Okay, I know someone mentioned lightning but that looks like a huge stream of breast-milk.  Didn’t we talk about whether this was a fetish.  Boob milk – yum.  Shooting boob milk – bigger yum.  Even she looks surprised by the force of the explosion.  I was so blinded by this that I didn’t even notice the tower of terror behind her.

    Scarlet Carvern – gross title and I think the guy is a corpse that the woman propped up.  Necrophelia – *shudder*.  Scarlet cavern is where the blood drains out.  Holy Lord I just grossed myself out even more.  *gag*

    Force of Attraction – OMG.  I don’t know what is going on but they have been at it for a while.  Maybe she has a magnet in her butt and he has a metal disc in his head.

    Dangerous Ride – first thing I noticed was the chicks arms.  Skelton comes to mind.

    CindyS

  24. 24
    Rachel says:

    “Thanks to Sarah, I will forever have Force of Extraction stuck in my head when I see Mandy’s cover.”

    So I’m not the only one who read “Extraction” (instead of “Attraction”). I think it was the sight of her pain-contorted face combined with him tinkering around her ass, like he’s trying to break into a safe or “extract” something that maybe got stuck.

  25. 25
    Mandy M. Roth says:

    “I think on Force of Attraction the hero is into that seldom-discussed-in-polite-society fart-sniffing fetish and clearly has passed out from the sheer bliss of it all. And I can snark on Mandy’s cover cuz I wuv her and she knows it *g*”- Jaci Burton

    I’m making notes to be sure to include this fetish in the next book. Flatuphilia has always been an interesting subject *falls over laughing covering nose and mouth*. Motto of the moment: Cut back on the beans.

    WARNING: I feel it wise to give this public service announcement. Open flames near rectal area during the emission of gas could result in injury.

    *big grin*

  26. 26
    Jaynie R says:

    That really is Mandy’s worst cover *snerk*  When I first saw it, I thought maybe she was getting a bum lick *g*

    Of course since I absolutely love everything Mandy has ever written, I tend not to worry about the covers.

    Angie – um…extraction – what’s on your mind woman?

  27. 27
    Victoria Dahl says:

    Forces of Attraction. . . What’s with the guy’s weird comb-over flyaway hair? Did anyone else notice this once they got over the ass troll thing?

    Vicki

  28. 28
    fiveandfour says:

    What’s with the guy’s weird comb-over flyaway hair? Did anyone else notice this once they got over the ass troll thing?

    Yeah, it’s all part of the “does not compute” message my brain keeps sending me about this picture.  I don’t know if it would help or just hurt a whole helluva lot more to see a blown up version of this picture to try to figure out exactly what those two are supposed to be doing and why his hair is so very, very strange.  (I keep wondering: did the artist have it in for his employer or something?  Was more than one person involved in the decision to use this cover?)

  29. 29
    Michelle Pillow says:

    I got a preview of Force of Attraction. It really is an AWESOME book (but then I’m a big fan, lol). I saw this cover and just figured he fell asleep on a rock and she just went on without him, lol. Jeesh, men! Always laying down on the job!

  30. 30
    Victoria Dahl says:

    >Yeah, it’s all part of the “does not compute” message my brain keeps sending me about this picture.<

    And that “woman” is quite clearly a tranny.

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