Up the Hershey Highway

Oh yes, the love is thunderous!

Candy: Well, yes, I hear that thunder of a certain sort is a consequence of hard, vigorous Muddy Love session. And judging from the pained look on the girl’s face, the sessions have been hard and vigorous indeed.

Dude also looks like he’s holding his breath. Tant pis, man. Tant pis.

Sarah: She looks miserable, like she knows she just had bean burritos with a side order of beans, and knows that now is not the time for the backdoor lovin’. Promise of Thunder indeed. She’s a-gonna toot like there’s no tootmorrow.

Muddy Love is Swamp Love!

Candy: Oooooh! In a swamp, no less! Lots of snakes in swamps. Lots. And snakes like dark, enclosed spaces, right? I can guess where one snake is hiding right fucking now.

I mean, c’mon, LOOK AT HER FACE!

Sarah: Seriously, no doubt about what’s going on here. And at least she doesn’t look mortified like the chick in Thunderous Passage above. But ew, in the swamp? There are many, many more favorable locations in which to sample his Swamp Thing.

The magic is in… his pants!

Candy: Hey, this is the book where the dude uses cream as lubricant for the heroine’s cunny, right? Gotta love a man who knows how to use milkfat in a variety of ways. I wonder what he used for The Other Place? The chick on this cover looks sort of resigned, not pained, so that’s a good thing, right? The dude, on the other hand, looks sort of clueless, like he’s still trying to maneuver his way. “Can you feel me now? Can you feel me now?”

Sarah: This is, indeed, the book where the hero has to use cream to ease his passage. Good thing he got in the habit, because there’s more of a need now than ever for lubrication. Candy’s right, though. She looks completely at ease while he looks like he’s trying to break through her balloon knot with a case of the Melty Man.

My name is Slut-Who-Takes-It-Up-The-Ass

Candy: Judging by the looks of things, this chick’s Indian Name is “Woman-Who-Braves-Muddy-Love-Without-Astroglide.”

Sarah: It ain’t no feather, I’ll tell you that much. And where is her other hand? Guiding him into the chocolate hole? If she’s directing traffic, her name might be “I’m-Still-a-Virgin-If-We-Do-It-This-Way.”

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    bam says:

    Y’all bitches are crazy!

  2. 2
    Trix says:

    What the heck is the title on that last book? The first thing my brain suggested was “Monthlies,” which I immediately suspected was incorrect. “Moonbeams”? “Moonfever”? “Moon-something-Ether”? Flowery fonts are almost as bad as mullets.

  3. 3
    Gabriele says:

    Can’t we have two men, please?  ;-)

  4. 4
    Nicole says:

    Ooh…that guy in the first one is absolutely butt-ugly.  Ewww….

  5. 5
    Shannon says:

    Butt-ugly.  Heh heh.

    Looks like MoonEsther to me.  Interesting name for an Indian maiden.

  6. 6
    Candy says:

    “Can’t we have two men, please?”

    We already snarked THOSE covers a couple of weeks ago.

  7. 7
    Gabriele says:

    Yes, I know and I enjoyed it a lot, but they were a lot uglier than these.  :-)

  8. 8
    SB Sarah says:

    It’s “Moon Ether,” about a maiden who discovers the powers of gaseous inhalants before bearing the full moon to her boyfriend.

  9. 9
    Robyn says:

    Is it my imagination or is Thunderchick holding up her cleavage? Or, from the pained expression on her face, maybe she’s irritated with his bosom nuzzling technique and turned her back on him?

  10. 10
    Kate R says:

    The midsummer magic swan has the right idea. It’s outta there before the scene gets any uglier.

  11. 11
    Arethusa says:

    Good god I used to read Catherine Coulter but clearly these books passed me by (thank god)! Why is Connie Mason’s girl going commando? Is that proper? Isn’t her sweet virtue supposed to be taming the wild heathen half-breed?

  12. 12

    That virtual eyewash station is looking better and better all the time.

    I believe the Moonthlie title is actually “Moonfeather”, but I had to squint long and hard before deciphering it. Bad font. No cookie. Then again, if this Indian story is about an oral tradition, the font choice becomes a little less important. *snark*…

    Historical note: the Cheyenne, who Ms. Sweet Virtue is apparently supposed to be a part of, were largely obsessed with female chastity, as I’ve read several Plains Indians tribes were. Which makes that cover all the more hilarious. Anyone know more about this?

    And once again I am laughing so hard tears roll down my face and my daughter just asked me if I was crying.

  13. 13
    Doug Hoffman says:

    Gotta love a man who knows how to use milkfat in a variety of ways. I wonder what he used for The Other Place?

    Fresh creamery butter. Hain’t you never seen Last Tango, girl?

    As for the last one: reminds me of the old Star Trek episode where Kirk goes native. What was that chick’s name . . . oh, yeah. Miramonte. Look at the mountains.

  14. 14

    Yes, that’s why I keep coming back here.  The SB’s make me see things in new and exciting ways THAT NEVER WOULD HAVE OCCURRED TO ME BEFORE and now I need eyewash and a brain hosing and all kinds of cleansing material to get these awful images out of my head.

    And is that Indian maiden wearing blue eyeshadow?  What’s up with that?

  15. 15
    fiveandfour says:

    For the first time, I’ve seen a cover here that I specifically remember having a reaction to when I first saw it at a store: Moonfeather.  I recall very distinctly that I took one look at that cover and realized I had artistic sensibilities and they could be offended.  And how.  It was made all the worse by the fact that for a few weeks I couldn’t avoid the damned thing – it was seemingly everywhere.

    Anyway, I think Smart Bitches should do an annual awarding of worst covers (with various sub-categories to be thought of later) that we, the unwashed bitchy public, get to vote on.  Promise of Thunder has got to be nominated for best cover that inadvertantly gave the title a whole new spin of meaning.  Could be kinda’ fun (or scary, depending on your point of view) seeking out other covers that have done the same…

  16. 16
    Arethusa says:

    The gay romance cover category is gonna be a RIOT.

    As for the Cheyenne I don’t know anything about that, but I must commend Mason of this clever subversion of convention. Really it’s the wild heathen (bastard maybe?) white shrew who needs to be tamed by the Mr. Sweet Virtue! Love it.

  17. 17
    Saraswathi says:


    You’d think there’d be some actual Native American models out there, judging by the demand for them as heroes in bodice-rippers.  Or at the very least, some pictures that the cover artist could get off of Google in .10 seconds (See? -http://images.google.com/images?q=Native American man&hl=en&lr=&rls=GGLD,GGLD:2004-29,GGLD:en&sa=N&tab=wi). 

    Come on, you could shave off Feather McThunder’s head and he wouldn’t look out of place in a corporate boardroom.  Or Wimbledon, even.  Not to mention that he’s way paler than I am, and I’m considered pasty by Indian standards.

    And the girl on the Moonfucker (Wait… it’s Moonfeather?  Christ, wildly unnecessary curlicues, much?) is paler than Brawny!White!Settler!Fabio, for chrissakes. 

    Speaking of which, Fabio needs a dye job.  His roots are showing something fierce. 

    Great snarking, as usual!

  18. 18
    JEA says:

    I want to see some ouch-ouchy bad BDSM romance covers next!

  19. 19
    Gabriele says:

    Oh yes, and if you can find some gay BDSM, it would even better.

    Thought I’m afraid they’ll be too ugly to get anything but snarkiness out of them. ;-)

  20. 20
    Stef2 says:

    Y’all surely realize that Mr. Thunderlicious is actually the guy who plays the dad on Everybody Loves Raymond.  This was in his days of hair, before he got the gig as the monster in Young Frankenstein.

  21. 21
    JEA says:

    Stop, Gabriele, you are breaking my heart.

    All this gay sex talk just makes it all the more lonely without Justin, Brian and Queer as Folk.

  22. 22
    Anna Lucia says:

    I wonder what he used for The Other Place?

    Beaten swan eggs.

  23. 23
    Anna Lucia says:

    Are you a Coupling fan, Sarah?  The Melty Man Cometh?

  24. 24
    SB Sarah says:

    I am a big Coupling fan, and I am so glad someone got that reference!

  25. 25
    Anna Lucia says:


    It just wasn’t the same without Geoff, was it?

  26. 26
    SB Sarah says:

    No it totally wasn’t! I am ok with Oliver, it’s not like I hate him or anything, but Isle of Lesbos? Come on. I miss Geoff.

  27. 27
    Dee says:

    ROFL—y’all need to come with a warning, seriously. “Do not attempt to breathe or speak while reading SBs”

    Oh, and after looking at Moonfeather for evidence of her other arm, I am firmly believing poor Moonfeather was mauled by a buffalo and lost said arm in a freakish stomping accident. That’s not blue eyeshadow, it’s what’s left of the black eyes.

    I’ve been looking and looking at Midsummer Magic and I’m pretty sure the hero on that cover is gay. And terrible at it. His alignment is way off, he has no idea where to put his hands and girlfriend is doing all she can. When is the last time you saw legs spread that wide? Either that or he’s sneaking up on the girl who just went out to go relieve herself on some swan eggs after too much tropical fruit and he’s just discovered a new stain on his shoes.

    Oh and that request for two guys? Maybe Promise Of Thunder is two separate heroes cause the little one looks nothing like the top one. It explains that worried look on bent over girl. ;)

    Big smooches, gang!

  28. 28
    Amy E says:

    Oh yeah, the Promise of Thunder dude is WAY fugly.  Just look at that weak chin, the deformed man-titty, those deep-set, George-Bush-esque close-together eyes… if I saw this picture beside a personals ad, I’d totally keep scrolling down.

    However, the dude taking the trip up the Thunderous Passage?  TOTALLY different guy.  He’s actually kinda cute.  Maybe she’s turning away in disgust because his ginormous, fugly brother showed up to watch their chocolate, thunderous lovin’.  Really, can you blame her?

    And I’m with y’all on the Moonfeather title—absolutely unreadable.  I didn’t get it until I read the comments.  I read it as “Moonwhafuck?”

  29. 29
    Alyssa says:

    You’ve managed to find covers that feature heroines with the scariest facial expressions ever.

    I’m impressed.

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