Sunday Worship At The Temple of Man-Titty! GAY Man-Titty!

His wick. It is indeed gay.

Sarah: Dear God. It’s like a checklist: open shirt? Check! Tucked into pants? Check! Ruffle? CHECK!

But what’s up with Ichabod Crane’s low-hanging saggy scrotum, there? I mean, is shirt-dude kneeling out of pity? The man is half-dead, and the half that’s dead is down his pants.

Candy: The dude on the left looks really, really bored. “Oh boy. Another blowjob from a blond twink with nipples harder than sapphires. Just another day at Gaywyck.”

Biggest. Camelnose. EVER.

Sarah: MY EYES! MY EYES! Jesus in a sidecar, what is this? Romance for the elephantitis-loves-mullet set? Wouldn’t you seek help if your nads swelled up to the size of cantaloupes?

I can’t even see the rest of the cover. All I see is “giant nutsack!”

Candy: Mr. Testicular Elephantitis bears a somewhat strong resemblance to a friend of mine. His FACE, people, I mean his FACE. So there’s a whole new level of “EEEGAAAH!” going on over here when I look at this cover.

And in addition to elephantitis, Aspen… I mean cover dude totally looks as if he has scoliosis as well. I mean, is it possible to curve your spine THAT MUCH and still remain upright? I (and other adherents to the laws of gravity) would love to know.

And yeah, what’s up with the mullet, man? I guess I should be grateful it’s not Jheri-curled into the bargain.

What, she's not sticking around to watch them get it on?

Sarah: Published in smaller markets as “Fag-Hag’s Lament,” this cover features Lila Fowler from Sweet Valley High, dressed in her Civil-War best, running towards the cliffs of despair as she realizes that Bruce Patman loves himself, and only himself, and since he’s been conveniently cloned, so much the better for both of them.

Candy: And I thought Boondock Saints fanfic was the only place where twincest runs rampant.

That there’s an actual term for this fetish makes me even sadder and scareder.

My question is: Why is the silly girl walking away? If it were me and I’d just been utterly shunned that way, I totally would’ve whipped out my camera (or my sketchbook, to be historically accurate) and had a good time watching the two boys getting it on while recording it for posterity.

Not to mention the excellent blackmail material this kind of thing would’ve afforded….

Buh. No words for this.

Sarah: “Gee, Chet, thanks to some poorly-developed computer graphics, your leg appears to be going directly through my ass.”

“Golly, Lesley, you’re right. And so nice of you to compare my leg to my… other leg! Seems the soccer field is the only thing that’s empty.”

Candy: Wow. Another mullet. Twincest, elephantitis and mullets.

*starts weeping*

What’s weird (besides the mind-bogglingly awful artwork in general) about this cover is, everything on these two figures is hugely overdeveloped… exept for one key area.

OH COME ON. I can’t be the only person who automatically looks THERE on these covers. And it just doesn’t seem as if there’s anything THERE for the dark-haired dude.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Amy E says:

    And it just doesn’t seem as if there’s anything THERE for the dark-haired dude.

    That’s because the Price of Temptation guy stole it and shoved it all down his pants.  Holy Mother of Christ, that cover is freakin’ TERRIFYING.  The poor, innocent socks that had to be traumatized in the making of that overstuffed crotch-shot!

  2. 2
    Kate R says:

    at least the couples are looking into each other’s faces (bet that takes some self control on the sock stuffer’s partner’s part). Yeah, they got the man-titty-ruffled-shirt-sliding-off thing happening. But there’s some eye contact on the covers.

    Your normal hetero man-titty cover has the heroine going into a rictus/spasmy-thingy, head back and eyes closed.

  3. 3
    Beth says:

    I absolutely LOVE the expression on that painting’s face in Price of Temptation. Methinks the cover artist was having buttloads (and what a load, indeed) of fun.

  4. 4

    Jeez, and here I was feeling down about the bad man-titty cover art we het romance writers and readers get thrown at us.  I was worried that the gay historicals would be more stylish, more imaginative, more insouciant.  I feel much better now.

  5. 5
    Angela H says:

    Oh my word.  Where did you find these? I feel bad for the authors…unless the prose on the inside is as god-awful bad as the covers are.  Yikes.

  6. 6
    Gabriele says:

    *goes and reads some Aragorn/Boromir slash to get those images out of her head*

  7. 7
    Doug Hoffman says:

    So the submissive kneeling man-tittied bottom says to his dom cucumber-beschlonged top:

    “Um” (*gulp*) “Yours goes to eleven?”

    Several great laughs, first thing in the morning. Thanks, Bitches!

  8. 8
    Robyn says:

    To continue the Spinal Tap references, Doug:

    “We’ve got armadillos in our trousers.”

  9. 9
    Candy says:

    Methinks the cover artist was having buttloads (and what a load, indeed) of fun.

    You’re right, Beth: I get a feeling that some of these covers are campy on purpose. Unlike most het romance covers featuring the man-titty, which seem quite distressingly irony-free.

  10. 10

    Gods… can’t… breathe… laughing… too… hard… begging for… mercy… agggggghhhhh…

    Jesus H., is it just me or do all these covers look like the same artist (maybe with a collaborator or two) did them all? Maybe while they were learning how to draw a relaistic groin-bulge (if there is any such thing in Romance Land?) I am struck by the similarity of all these covers. Not just that, but goddamn if all of the people on the covers seem to have some kind of mad spinal disease. Gay Man-Titty=Bad Posture?

    On a different note, where do you recommend I find the best Aragorn-Boromir slash?

    *grinning in anticipation*

  11. 11
    Dee says:

    Is it perhaps that the Price of Temptation is that you must kiss your ass goodbye? (Kudos for managing to fit in that gold medallion though, folks! Stroke of genius!)

    And, what is it with all the neck clenching? Hair, okay, I can see that, but being gay doesn’t mean you’re required to thottle your partner!

    And I rather like the hair.

    It detracts from the faces, lol.

    Thanks for the laughs, I’d show my hubby, but he might never forgive me for the nightmares.
    Smooches,
    Dee

  12. 12
    Karen Scott says:

    oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the Price of Temptation cover just made my freakin’ week!

  13. 13
    Ellen Fisher says:

    Gawd.  Y’all are killing me *snorts Mountain Dew out nose and expires on keyboard*.

  14. 14
    Gabriele says:

    On a different note, where do you recommend I find the best Aragorn-Boromir slash?

    Well, the major LOTR slash fanfiction archive i Library of Moria, though the quality of the fic varies a lot, and some pairings are a bit, well … odd. The Aragorn/Boromir slash i here. Some stories I liked are Sasjah Miller’s After Images series and Wounds – they are on the PG13 side but nice, as is Bliss by Cinzia (though that one is more a Faramir/Èomer fic). Isildur’s Heir, Conquering a King, Brothers in Arms and In the Shadows are NC17.

  15. 15
    Gabriele says:

    There’s also a site dedicated to Boromir fanfics, A Hero’s Journey though it’s difficult to navigate, and the Heneth Amun archive has a slash section, too.

  16. 16
    Gabriele says:

    Gah, I should check on my html codes:

    Heneth Amun

  17. 17

    You have completely missed the symbolism of ‘The Price of Temptation’… That is a large throbbing heart trying valiantly to be recognised so it can burst free and luuuuurve unfettered.
    And dude in the picture is a hoot too.

    X

  18. 18
    Arethusa says:

    The soccer dudes are creeping me out. If that book turned out to be a paranormal I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m expecting little green people to burst out of those human pods any minute now. From their crotches of course.

  19. 19
    Anna says:

    Oh heavens.  DH and I haven’t laughed so hard for… well, for hours, but we laugh an awful lot.

  20. 20
    Amanda says:

    I hope the relationship between the cover art & the actual story is inversely proportional.

  21. 21
    Monica says:

    I was worried that the gay historicals would be more stylish, more imaginative, more insouciant.  I feel much better now.

    Howling. In. Agreement.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA

  22. 22
    Susan K says:

    Do you think there’s deeper meaning in the fact that author Vince Virga’s last name is just one letter away from being an anagram for Viagra?

  23. 23
    Suisan says:

    Where do you find these??????

    No. Really, Where?

    My throat hurts I’ve been laughing so hard.

  24. 24
    Michelle, the Diva says:

    The only thing that would make this covers segment better is if there were a gay Fabio pirate cover…oh, wait…Fabio ALWAYS looks like a gay pirate. “Arggggh, me lovely computer-enhanced mateys…bring on the elephantitis schlong! Bring it, I say!”

    Must. Stop. Laughing.

    Gawd, this is just too, too much.

    I wonder what the other necessary elements of gay covers would be (besides mullets and the like). I mean, can we get a complete listing?

  25. 25
    white raven says:

    LOL.  These are awful!  The second one is by far the worst, in my opinion.  I’m probably dating myself here, but does anyone remember the Chevy Chase movie Modern Problems?  After being doused in nuclear waste, he develops weird telekinetic powers.  One scene has him making this ballet dancer’s leotard puff up at the groin as the guy is dancing through the show.  I immediately thought of it when I saw that second cover. 

    Well, it’s obvious horrible covers aren’t only confined to het romance.

  26. 26
    Meezergrrrl says:

    Just thought y’all should know that my husband is now hiding in the basement with an eyewash…

    We were watching South Park.  The gay teacher with the hand puppet wrote a romance which was, well a Y chrome gaymance.  Which reminded me of this thread.  So then I just HAD to show it to him.

    heh. heh. heh.

    Thanks Bitches!  I would’ve had to come up with my own snark to make my husband’s skin crawl off his back at some point, and you guys conveniently provided it for me!

    -Meezergrrrl (yep.  I’m new around here.)

  27. 27
    Alyssa says:

    You know, the standing man might be suffering from a painful tumor.

  28. 28
    MJ Pearson says:

    Ha! I need to check back here more often—I had no idea my cover had already been snarked! Candy is, of course, one Smart Bitch—The Price of Temptation cover was indeed deliberately campy. Glad you had fun with it.

  29. 29
    Sorcha R says:

    Aw, that sucks. The original cover for Gaywyck was pretty cool – very early-80s Gothic novel. The new one is atrocious. Suddenly, I don’t feel so stupid for having paid $30 for a used copy when it was still out of print. At least I don’t have to look at that nightmare.

  30. 30
    Laree says:

    I think I almost ruined my keyboard.

    Reminder: Do not look at covers of gay romance novels while drinking. Will be hazardous to computer.

    Hahahahahahaha.

    Makes me want to go out and buy one.

    Well… almost.

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