Smart Bitch Contest: Name Candy’s Car!



Candy’s new whoremobile!

Another shot of my new machine:


I am especially glad to get rid of my New Beetle because last Thursday night, the engine splashguard/rock plate (an unwieldy plastic piece that bolted underneath the car) decided to spontaneously come loose, dragged along the ground while I was going 55 mph on I-84 and SCARED THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF ME.

It’s a BAD thing when a new-ish car with less than 100,000 miles starts shedding pieces of itself for no discernible reason, something Volkswagen has yet to figure out, I think. So I’m defecting to the Japanese.

Anyway, enough babbling! The contest is simple enough: Come up with the bitchinest name you can think of for my new Scion xA. The Beetle was variously called Kermit, Miss Kitty and Ghetto Whoremobile (after the windshield got cracked and various bits of the interior started falling off). You have until Saturday to impress the hell out of me. I’ll pick the winner on Sunday, and she—or he, but how many men read this blog, really?—will receive one of our hand-stitched, lovingly crafted Smart Bitch titles.

Go ahead, be creative. Profanity encouraged.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    E.D'Trix says:

    Hmmm, this will require some careful thought… off the top of my head all I can come up with is “The Blue Baller” (which should always include the ‘the’, ala THE Caped Crusader).

    I will return with further ideas later…

  2. 2
    Robini says:

    If the acceleration is even halfway decent, I’d like to suggest…

    Blue-ball of fire!

    The hyphen is optional.

  3. 3
    Robini says:

    Also, who can say “no” to the Smurfmobile? The color may be a little off, but it’s compact and cute and you can roll the windows down and cruise while blasting the Smurfs’ theme song…and the techno remix.

  4. 4
    Sonja says:

    My first thought was Bubbles. But that’s probably not bitchinest enough. I must agree that you could do something wildly creative with the blue balls theme.

  5. 5
    Nicole says:

    Oh dear lord, don’t tell me you bought one of those?!?!?!

    How bout the Fuglymobile?

    Oh my poor eyes.  Of course, you had a Bug before…that’s just as bad.

  6. 6
    emdee says:


    When I first read your post I thought it said the hymen was optional…

  7. 7
    Sarah says:

    Aw, I like Candy’s car? It’s bitchin’!

  8. 8
    Candy says:

    Oh dear lord, don’t tell me you bought one of those?!?!?!

    How bout the Fuglymobile?

    I know better than to trust the taste of someone who thinks Johnny Depp is fugly, ha!

  9. 9
    Nicole says:

    lol Well, I’m very particular about what kind of cars I like.

  10. 10
    Candy says:

    Well, I’m very particular about what kind of cars I like.

    Well, sheeit, so am I. I just happen to think the xA looks good. (I loved the way the Beetle looks, too, shitty quality control notwithstanding.)

  11. 11
    Shannon says:

    Dammit, you beat me to it!  I was thinking of having a contest to name my new baby ( ).  I don’t have the power (or the Photoshop) to bestow titles, though.

    Hmmm….I guess to enter yours I’ll have to fire up the mental engine.  (And hope it’ll run on more cylinders than a Scion does!  Sorry.  Had to do it. *g*)

  12. 12
    Nicole says:

    Oh, I vote for Blueballs and then some of these as an accessory.

  13. 13
    Marjorie Liu says:

    My vote?  The Bitchinator.

  14. 14
    Wendy says:

    How about the Bitchinator?  Or The Bitch-Mobile?  Or Bitchy-Bitchy Bang Bang?

    I need more caffeine :grrr:

  15. 15

    I name mine weirdly…My first car was named Esmerelda. My current mommymobile (a four door silver Chevy Prizm) is called Desdemona. They just pop in my head.

    For some reason, when I look at your car, I think ‘Cassiopia”.

    ‘Course, it may just be the crack I put on my Froot Loops this morning. Ok, that’s a lie. But I did have a sugar-free Red Bull. That’s the legal version.

  16. 16

    And the squirrel on the bumpernuts thing is freaking me out.

  17. 17
    Candy says:

    Oooh, Shannon, I saw pictures of your new baby a couple of days ago. It’s fucking gorgeous. I need to show the pictures to my husband, actually—he’ll die of envy.

    And as for the slur to my 4-banger engine: as long as it’s capable of maintaining highway speeds and still get over 35 mpg while I’m hauling 500 lbs. of frozen cat food from Washington to Oregon, I’m happy :lol: . And shit, since I’ve only driven wee compact cars (with the exception of my husband’s monster ‘89 Chevy Caprice cop special), this car feels PLENTY zippy to me.

    Captcha is miles72, motherfuckers!

  18. 18
    katy Li says:

    wendy! I love Bitchy Bitchy bang-bang! that’s too funny. *snorts*

  19. 19
    fiveandfour says:

    Nicole, I clicked that link before really considering what “” could be leading to.  As it loaded, my brain kicked in and I thought, “Noooo, no way.” But yes, yes way – someone actually manufactures multi-colored balls that can be attached to a vehicle.  Hilarious!  My favorite part of that site has to be how they proudly proclaim they are Made in the USA, as though Canadians or Germans or Sri Lankans could never reach such levels of genius or mastery in their manufacture. 

    Anyway, as to the name, I’m afraid once I saw E.D’Trix’s suggestion I knew it was hopeless for me to come up with anything better.  That name – it’s just too perfect.

  20. 20
    Candy says:

    Holy crap, I just checked out the Bumpernuts website and AAHHHHH MY EYES AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHH!!!!

    The car already has a set of fuzzy balls, anyway. A friend of mine gave me a set of leopard-print dice, which I have dutifully hung over the rearview mirror. They match my leopard-print mules, heee.

    God, I am SUCH a yuppie whore. It’s shocking, really.

  21. 21
    Shannon says:


    Well, I get like…10 (maybe on a good day), so I vote for The Blue Camel.

    *muttering about gas prices*

    Or Blueberry Gobstopper.

    I had a temperamental Firebird named Iago once, and my Focus was named Zippy (don’t ask.)  My current non-toy vehicle is named Big-ass F’ing Truck. (Which only gets 19 mpg.) 

    Now I know where my book budget went.  My gas tank.

  22. 22
    fiveandfour says:

    Oooh, I like Bitchy-Bitchy Bang Bang, too.  You bitches are too creative.

    I’ve never even considered naming my car.  Now I’m going to *have* to think about it.

  23. 23
    Candy says:

    Actually, I’m not sure why I’m so shocked by Bumpernuts, because God knows it’s no more (or less) retarded than Neuticles.


  24. 24

    Oh. My. God.

    Retains his self esteem. Ack.

  25. 25
    fiveandfour says:

    My God, neuticles…I’m kinda’ speechless.  Just think of the course of human history: all the struggles for survival, the sacrifices, the wars and the peace – they’ve all lead up to a moment in time where man could reach through the depths of all he’s learned and achieved in order to create…testicular implants for animals.  Astonishing!

  26. 26

    I think my brain just tried to eat itself in self-defense.

  27. 27
    Nicole says:

    lol I’ve heard of the Neuticles before.

    What’s really bad is that the demand for car balls is so much that there are quite a few other websites out there that sell them.  I just randomly picked one.

    Or if you want more feminine, you could go with some of these:

    Note: I do not have nor want any of these.  *g*

  28. 28
    E.D'Trix says:

    Dude, neuticals crack me up! My boss is involved in the showdog world and told me that judges grab male dogs nuts to make sure that there are two balls a janglin’ in there. Apparently sometimes one refuses to descend which is a purebreed no-no.

    Aaaannnd, scandal of scandals, some owner/breeders have resorted to neuticals to make there cy-balled wonders showable. The way it is most often detected? Said, ascended nut will finally make an appearance, resulting in the beautiful but rare tri-balled wonder dog.

    Apparently this has happened more than once!

  29. 29
    fiveandfour says:

    I knew better, but I still clicked – I had to see what ballsies were.

    I did, however, restrain myself from clicking further into the “Poetry” link.  See, I have some self-restraint.  Or perhaps it’s a sense of self-preservation.  I don’t know which.

  30. 30

    Reminds me of when I used to work on cars.

    My guy friends and I used to part out and restore old musclecars. I caught a ribbing by some apelike being who insinuated that if you didn’t have a cock, you shouldn’t be working on cars.

    So I went to the porn shop and bought one. With feet. It hopped, even. I kept it on the dash.

    My other favorite response to that was, ” I DO have a cock. Several, in fact. At home, in jars.”

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