When Celebrity Models Happen to Baby-themed Romance

This week’s cover showcase happened totally by accident – I went looking for the collection of bad “baby-themed romance” covers that I’d seen over the past few weeks, and found a completely separate category: celebrity models. Almost all of the dudes and a few of the women look like celebrities, and B-list celebrities at that.

So, not only do you get the “Whoa, is that ugly!” commentary, but you also can play the, “Wait a minute, isn’t that…?” game along with us. Thanks to Bono and the Highlander who both modeled for Rio Grande wedding and likely started this trend. Damn you!

Discover winter clothes for that baby!

Sarah:First, I have to say, I kind of hate men & baby covers. It’s a romance. It’s not a parenting book.

Secondly, it’s cold. Put some clothes and a goddamn hat on that baby right now or I will take her back to that orphanage in China and wait until some people with some sense come to adopt her. The only baby discovery he’s going to get is a discovery that Child Services is ready to bust open a big jar of whoopass.

Candy: I love how the guy’s hair sticks out just about as much as his chin does. HOTTTTT! I love dating men whose chins can double as a marital aid; makes oral sex that much more interesting.

Also, the stupid “Bachelor Dads” logo? Because of the three As in the block, I keep reading it as “Bachelor Daaads,” which in turn makes me think of the sheep in Animal Farm. “Four legs good, two legs bachelor daaaaaad.” Almost sounds like it could be Cockney rhyming slang too, and I can’t think of a more fitting rhyme for “bad” than “bachelor dad.”

Random side-note: This book must’ve been marketed in Malaysia or Indonesia, because the cover has a Malay sub-title (“Baby in the Snow”). This is not a particularly funny observation, although frankly I’m amazed that I remember enough Malay to translate that cover. It’s been about 10 years since I’ve had to read or speak that language.

man with no skills in the house, too

Sarah: Hey, isn’t that the dude from 7th Heaven? And don’t you just love how the baby room is pink, the carpet is purple, it matches her outfit, AND she’s the one telling him how to put the crib together? And the tools are on HER side of the bedrail? Rev. Camden needs to take some lessons from his butch wifey there.

Candy: THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE. THESE ARE STEPFORD PEOPLE. RUN, MOTHERFUCKERS, RUN!

Secret: Strong enough for a secret baby

Sarah: Christina Applegate has a not-so-secret baby. And she also has a not-so-secret need for some face powder to control that shine, too. Or is the secret that she’s not entirely ph-balanced, as a woman?

Candy: I was thinking Sarah Michelle Gellar, for some reason. Anyway, I feel bad for the little tyke. Being mashed against that bony clavicle has gotta hurt.

 

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Sarah:Ok, first, she doesn’t look pregnant. Her boobs look damn funny -are they halfway down her chest? – but I don’t look at her and think, “Oh, totally expecting.” Second, what’s going on? Is she in labor? Is he helping? I don’t think that’s how it’s done. At least, I hope not, because I’m five months pregnant and I can’t stand it when the cats walk on my stomach, so don’t even talk to me about some dude pressing his big hand on my abdomen.

And speaking of dude, is that Billy Ray Cyrus? And isn’t that the chick from CSI:Miami?

Candy: I’m totally going to hell for saying this, but: it almost looks like the dude’s helping the woman to express her afterbirth for some unspeakably kinky fetish site.

And what is UP with those multi-colored jingle-jangles on her arm? Are they part of her sweater sleeves? Goddammit, when will 80s fashions die already?

And the dude totally looks like Billy Ray, only without the mullet, for which we are eternally grateful because that sweater has provided more than our fair share of fug for this cover.

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Sarah:Lorenzo Lamas says, “I have been working out, and doing serious drama training for my role as a pedophile army dude who doesn’t know better than to play with little kids without my shirt on.” Uncle Sarge needs some parental supervision, if you ask me.

Candy: SO CREEPY. The way he’s holding the baby so possessively against him makes me think he’s using the kid to smuggle cocaine or something. He’s telling the girl “Touch this baby and I’ll CUT CHOO, leetle lady,” only all smiley because secretly? He’s looking forward to the cuttin’.

No, don’t ask me why when I see a romance novel cover featuring a shirtless dude in camo holding a baby I immediately think “Mercenary smuggling cocaine in baby” instead of “AWWW SQUEE HOW KYUTE!” You’re probably better off not knowing why I think the way I do.

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Sarah: Ok, is he gay? I think he’s gay. Tight pants, very tight shirt? Furthermore, he looks like a Baldwin, but not a good looking Baldwin. He looks like a doofy Baldwin. Either that, or Just Jack from Will & Grace.

No! I’ve GOT IT. He’s DOUG from Trading Spaces!

Candy: Hey, what better way to ensure that you never, ever have another unexpected pregnancy than to date a guy who isn’t even remotely interested in getting you pregnant? Gay boyfriends: Birth Control, the All-Natural Way!

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Shannon says:

    If you mixed DNA from Ted Danson and George Clooney, you’d totally end up with the guy on the first cover.

  2. 2
    E.D'Trix says:

    Shannon, I totally agree, only in my mind the hero is an unholy mix of Danson/Affleck.

    Also, the heroine on Not-So-Secret Baby is a dead ringer for slutty Sarah on Joe Millionaire. (Apparently she was doing more than BJ’s in the bushes…)

    And lastly, on the horrible Uncle Sarge *shudder* cover. Anyone else see the hilariously unsuitable “Get Caught Reading Harlequin” tagline on the book? There is a certain portion of the population who probably should *not* get caught reading Uncle Sarge—lest they be called up for a parole violation.

  3. 3
    Amy E says:

    On You’re My Baby can we talk for a second about her incredibly strange body shape?  Her pregnant belly extends all the way up between her boobs—um, there’s a breastbone there, rather in the way.  Is she incubating some sort of Alien-critter that will soon claw its way out, hurk on those lame-ass flowers (sorry I’m interested in cock, not twat—here, have some tulips to make up for it), and devour dear old Gaylord?

  4. 4
    Shannon says:

    The guy so clearly just ripped those tulips out of the ground.  Notice the few tulips left growing in the garden they’re standing in?

    Nice guy. 

    And the “Look at me when I’m talking to you” hand thing doesn’t do much for me, either. 

    Dude, your stem’s drooping.

  5. 5

    Uncle Sarge…if he’s the uncle, where’s the kid’s parents? If I came home and found a shirtless camo guy cavorting with my kids, even if I knew him, there would be some serious interrogation and possibly some bringing of the pain.

    And did the artists, like, never actually see a pregnant woman? They seem to have a very weird idea of where the baby actually is. When they Photoshop in the belly, they keep missing.

  6. 6
    Candy says:

    Dude, your stem’s drooping.

    Awww, just let the li’l twink spend a couple of hours in a leather bar with some bearish daddies and I’m sure he’ll perk right up.

    And did the artists, like, never actually see a pregnant woman? They seem to have a very weird idea of where the baby actually is.

    Wait: Are you trying to tell me that sticking a basketball under your shirt WON’T realistically simulate a pregnant woman?

  7. 7
    Sarah says:

    Y’all, I was in Motherhood maternity looking at their sale stuff (because clothes that you wear for about 4 months total are expensive when not on sale and therefore impractical and insulting to Sarah) and they had a pillow in the dressing room to simulate pregnancy. A very small pregnancy. I made Hubby try it on. I looked totally wrong – and not because he’s a dude.

  8. 8

    Like those thingys they put on teenage girls and mean hubbies so they know what it’s like, fake boobs and all.

    I actually did look like I stuck a basketball under my shirt. I carried very low, so it was like month seven, BAM, there’s the belly. I wore my regular stuff up til then.

  9. 9
    fiveandfour says:

    You know, I’m still stuck at the point of marveling over the fact that, apparently, tons of women must love and adore the men-with-babies covers or else they wouldn’t be so prevalent.  (And growing more popular by the day since they seem to pop up more and more and more.)  Has there EVER been a men-with-baby cover that’s caused you to stop in your tracks and buy that book that very moment?  I can just imagine the thought process, though maybe unconscious, that leads to this: “Oh, look at the wittle baby-kins.  And that must be his daddy.  That’s so cute…and so hawt.” 

    Personally, they have me walking, no make that running, as far and fast as my legs will take me away from their contaminating presence while I do my best to cleanse my mind of the horrible image so I can stop the uncontrollable shuddering.  To me they bring to mind all of the worst stereotypes those of us that read in the romance genre have to live with, though on the decidely sickly-sweet overly sentimental claptrap end of the spectrum of stigmas.

    Oh, and by the way, please slap me if I ever even consider buying a book titled “Uncle Sarge”.  I mean c’mon, “Uncle Sarge” is the best they could come up with?

    OK…deep breath…let it go, let it go…

    All right, I’m better now.  Thanks for lending me the rant space.

  10. 10
    Robyn says:

    Uncle Sarge sounds like Mom’s creepy new boyfriend, if you catch my drift. And he looks like one of those “pull my finger” guys from the Viking covers.

    And the first one is Jay Leno, fer crying out loud!

  11. 11
    Becca says:

    I’m sure there’s a market for it – there seems to be a market for just about everything –  but I really *hate* baby-themed romances. I remember when my two were infants. one of our catch-phrases was “three two-hour naps does not equal six hours of sleep.”

    I did not feel the least romantic, or in the mood for romance for quite awhile. So I just don’t understand all these Romantic Heroines and how the hell they have the *energy* for it.

  12. 12
    Arethusa says:

    The last cover guy is totally Michael Vartan (or whatever) from Alias, who screwed the camera chick in order to get back at…that Alias chick (Jennifer?) and restore his manhood after acting in a movie with J. Lo.

  13. 13
    SandyO says:

    Heck, I’m a complete Vartan freak, but I have to admit Arethusa is right about that cover.  It’s either Vartan or Noah Wylie. ;)

  14. 14
    Alyssa says:

    Geez, what is it with children on romance covers? I’m glad you didn’t post the deranged bunny-eared child, but still . . . it just doesn’t say romance to me.

  15. 15
    fiveandfour says:

    ‘Uncle Sarge sounds like Mom’s creepy new boyfriend, if you catch my drift. And he looks like one of those “pull my finger” guys from the Viking covers’

    Yes, precisely.  I was too worked up to say that yesterday – you described it perfectly :).

  16. 16
    Nancy says:

    Dude, it’s Kirk Douglas in the first one!!  “Hail Ragnar!”

  17. 17
    Tabby says:

    Dudes, the Snow Baby lady is totally Ross’ lesbian ex-wife.

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