This week’s cover showcase happened totally by accident – I went looking for the collection of bad “baby-themed romance” covers that I’d seen over the past few weeks, and found a completely separate category: celebrity models. Almost all of the dudes and a few of the women look like celebrities, and B-list celebrities at that.
So, not only do you get the “Whoa, is that ugly!” commentary, but you also can play the, “Wait a minute, isn’t that…?” game along with us. Thanks to Bono and the Highlander who both modeled for Rio Grande wedding and likely started this trend. Damn you!
Sarah:First, I have to say, I kind of hate men & baby covers. It’s a romance. It’s not a parenting book.
Secondly, it’s cold. Put some clothes and a goddamn hat on that baby right now or I will take her back to that orphanage in China and wait until some people with some sense come to adopt her. The only baby discovery he’s going to get is a discovery that Child Services is ready to bust open a big jar of whoopass.
Candy: I love how the guy’s hair sticks out just about as much as his chin does. HOTTTTT! I love dating men whose chins can double as a marital aid; makes oral sex that much more interesting.
Also, the stupid “Bachelor Dads” logo? Because of the three As in the block, I keep reading it as “Bachelor Daaads,” which in turn makes me think of the sheep in Animal Farm. “Four legs good, two legs bachelor daaaaaad.” Almost sounds like it could be Cockney rhyming slang too, and I can’t think of a more fitting rhyme for “bad” than “bachelor dad.”
Random side-note: This book must’ve been marketed in Malaysia or Indonesia, because the cover has a Malay sub-title (“Baby in the Snow”). This is not a particularly funny observation, although frankly I’m amazed that I remember enough Malay to translate that cover. It’s been about 10 years since I’ve had to read or speak that language.
Sarah: Hey, isn’t that the dude from 7th Heaven? And don’t you just love how the baby room is pink, the carpet is purple, it matches her outfit, AND she’s the one telling him how to put the crib together? And the tools are on HER side of the bedrail? Rev. Camden needs to take some lessons from his butch wifey there.
Candy: THESE ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE. THESE ARE STEPFORD PEOPLE. RUN, MOTHERFUCKERS, RUN!
Sarah: Christina Applegate has a not-so-secret baby. And she also has a not-so-secret need for some face powder to control that shine, too. Or is the secret that she’s not entirely ph-balanced, as a woman?
Candy: I was thinking Sarah Michelle Gellar, for some reason. Anyway, I feel bad for the little tyke. Being mashed against that bony clavicle has gotta hurt.
Sarah:Ok, first, she doesn’t look pregnant. Her boobs look damn funny -are they halfway down her chest? – but I don’t look at her and think, “Oh, totally expecting.” Second, what’s going on? Is she in labor? Is he helping? I don’t think that’s how it’s done. At least, I hope not, because I’m five months pregnant and I can’t stand it when the cats walk on my stomach, so don’t even talk to me about some dude pressing his big hand on my abdomen.
Candy: I’m totally going to hell for saying this, but: it almost looks like the dude’s helping the woman to express her afterbirth for some unspeakably kinky fetish site.
And what is UP with those multi-colored jingle-jangles on her arm? Are they part of her sweater sleeves? Goddammit, when will 80s fashions die already?
And the dude totally looks like Billy Ray, only without the mullet, for which we are eternally grateful because that sweater has provided more than our fair share of fug for this cover.
Sarah:Lorenzo Lamas says, “I have been working out, and doing serious drama training for my role as a pedophile army dude who doesn’t know better than to play with little kids without my shirt on.” Uncle Sarge needs some parental supervision, if you ask me.
Candy: SO CREEPY. The way he’s holding the baby so possessively against him makes me think he’s using the kid to smuggle cocaine or something. He’s telling the girl “Touch this baby and I’ll CUT CHOO, leetle lady,” only all smiley because secretly? He’s looking forward to the cuttin’.
No, don’t ask me why when I see a romance novel cover featuring a shirtless dude in camo holding a baby I immediately think “Mercenary smuggling cocaine in baby” instead of “AWWW SQUEE HOW KYUTE!” You’re probably better off not knowing why I think the way I do.
Sarah: Ok, is he gay? I think he’s gay. Tight pants, very tight shirt? Furthermore, he looks like a Baldwin, but not a good looking Baldwin. He looks like a doofy Baldwin. Either that, or Just Jack from Will & Grace.
No! I’ve GOT IT. He’s DOUG from Trading Spaces!
Candy: Hey, what better way to ensure that you never, ever have another unexpected pregnancy than to date a guy who isn’t even remotely interested in getting you pregnant? Gay boyfriends: Birth Control, the All-Natural Way!