The Official Smart Bitch Policy on Acceptable Language

Wendy asked a few days ago whether blog owners have the right to censor speech on their blog. Then Shannon picked up the gauntlet and answered it, then Wendy elaborated on it further.

I agree with what Wendy says about how so-called obscene language holds no actual power to hurt; they have only as much power as we allow them to. On the other hand, I think of blogs as a person’s personal kingdom. They’re free to do whatever they like with it, and that includes censoring, deleting or otherwise defacing comments that are left on the blog. Electrolite (now incorporated into Making Light), for example, has a most interesting “disemvowelling” feature, which basically removes all the vowels from particularly obnoxious comments, which is so ingenious and funny I can’t help but cackle at the idea and wish I were cool and smart enough to implement something like that here—but then the most obnoxious commenter in these here parts is ME.

And let me note here that I don’t LIKE it when people delete comments or ban users based solely on potty-mouth. I think it’s really fucking retarded. But then, I’m free to come to this here space and air how retarded I think it is.

All this preamble is leading up to this, the Smart Bitch policy on comments and language used in comments:

If you’re not a spammer, have at it, kittens. You feel the urge to spew some filthy language, gratuitous or not, in the comments? DO IT. In fact, the more creatively filthy, the better. So c’mon, bitches, motherfuckin’ show us what you got, you turdgobbling, cuntslapping, gerbil-molesting, Barbra Streisand-loving assbutlers.

p.s. Screw you, Wendy, you queefhuffing polesmoker. Now I’m all super-paranoid about my quotation mark usage. WAH!


Random Musings

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  1. 1

    So now that I can say any fucking thing I want, am I allowed to take with me any creative cussing that really strikes me as laugh my ass off funny?  For example, I burst out with a hearty HA at the word “assbutlers.”  Is inserting this word into my own lexicon permitted, or are there creative cussing licensing fees to be paid?

  2. 2
    Candy says:

    I guess you can consider all the creative cussin’ you find here public domain. I have yet to see somebody attempt to trademark or copyright assbutler, queefweasel, turdmonkey or buttpirate—all terms I’ve seen elsewhere. And I’m not about to try and copyright or trademark clitharpy, which is the one term I DID come up with.

    It just occured to me that I need to find a way to work “santorum” into the conversation in the very, very near future. Preferably telling someone or something they can suck some up and die. But I feel no ire. Not at the moment, anyway. This may change as I read the next official RWA backpedalling about the graphical standards and obscene language.

  3. 3
    Stef says:

    It’ll seem almost weird to actually be able to use those Non-RWA sanctioned words. I’m so used to inserting asterisks in everything so as to not offend those with virgin ears.

    Though I’m reminded of a response I once overheard at work to the comment of “Oh, my virgin ears.” in reference to swearing.

    The woman looked her right in the eye and said, “Honey, that’s the only place you HAVEN’T had it.”

  4. 4
    Kendra says:

    I once knew someone whose favorite insult to toss out was “sperm-burping gutterslut.”  Almost poetry, isn’t it?  Had to come out of lurk to share, as I’ve never yet heard its equal.  Profanity is just some people’s natural creative medium, I guess.  Never get much past “fucking asshat,” myself, but hey, I’m just a dabbler!

  5. 5
    Candy says:

    Oooh, good one, Kendra! It’s got rhythm, it’s filthy and it’s disgusting in a pretty visceral way. I admit to being partial to the word queefweasel. It’s just so satisfying to say. Almost as fun to say as “schnitzel.”

  6. 6
    Candy says:

    And again, thanks to Wendy, I’m glaring the quotation marks I used around “schnitzel,” wondering if they belong there. And wondering if the quotation marks in THIS instance are called for.

    I hate you so very, very much.

  7. 7
    HelenKay says:

    If it makes you feel any better, I can’t write her a damn email without worry about the quotes now. And, that’s a problem since I write her 40 times a day.  I’ve decided to go punctuation-free so as not to piss her off.

  8. 8
    Stef says:

    My personal favorite, passed on by my husband, is ‘cumguzzling guttersnipe’.

  9. 9
    Trace says:

    I am so fucking disappointed in myself because I have nothing creative and unique to add to the profanity party. Motherfuck!

    I’ve let you trashy bitches down. Dumb gash that I am.

    I apologize profusely.

  10. 10
    Amanda says:

    Well, hubby’s new favorite swear word is ‘hobag’ – courtesy of SBTB. He comes here specifically to learn new potty words. Seriously. So bring ‘em on. Some of us are creating a thesaurus of profanity. ‘Sperm gobbling gutterslut’ is my new fav.

  11. 11
    Stef says:

    Here’s a couple strings of curses I posted to my blog in reference to the jerk who broke into my car. Quite lyrical. I can only come up with them when I’m really, really mad.

    Inbred excuse for a misbegotten asshead son of a crabridden whore.

    Stupid fleabitten reeking snotnose punkass.

    My curse of choice:

    Cuntrag (Chasing Amy was a cool flick)

  12. 12
    Candy says:

    “I’ve decided to go punctuation-free so as not to piss her off.”

    Heeee! That’ll show the hussy. Between the quotation mark thing and her being skinny enough to pull off that smocked terrycloth tube dress, I may very well hate her forever. You should take it one step further, HelenKay, and write an entire novel without punctuation OR vowels, a la Adrian Mole, and make Wendy read the whole thing.

  13. 13
    Kendra says:

    Oooohhhhh…that first one (“Inbred excuse for a…”)is INSPIRED.  I’m in awe.  It’s like beautiful verbal fireworks or something!  Like I said, cussing truly is an artistic medium.  Glad I could bring joy with “sperm-burping gutterslut.”  I think I’m going to have to co-opt some of these others.  “Cumguzzling guttersnipe” is pretty fucky-damn good.

  14. 14
    HelenKay says:

    Good idea, Candy.  Maybe I’ll do a little ee cummings thing and not capitalize either.  She’ll be insane by Thanksgiving – then I can stuff her full of food.

  15. 15
    Wendy Duren says:

    Ok, let’s not go all Cormac McCarthy with the quotation marks.  Anyone ever read Blood Meridian?  That guy doesn’t use quotations for the dialog.  I went a little bit insane reading that book. 

    Do we really have to get into the arm fat issue, again?  I have it.  I don’t need fatting up.

    And yes Candy, your quotes were fine.

  16. 16
    Candy says:

    Wendy: EVERYONE needs fattening up. Everyone except me. The logic being, the fatter everyone is, the slimmer I look, mwahahaha. It’s just my luck, though, that I tend to be friends with crazy-smart women (I have a disproportionate number of friends with PhDs, now that I think about it) who also run triathlons for fun. Bah.

    And thank you for relieving my mind about quotation mark usage. And really, my sudden obsession about them is ironic given the wild abandon with which I commit other, more egregious typos.

    Oddly enough, I don’t necessarily need quotation marks for dialogue markers. Roddy Doyle doesn’t use ‘em (he uses em dashes instead), and I love his Barrytown trilogy.

    Wait! How did we get so de-railed? More creative cussing, you pus-sucking cuntmonkeys!

  17. 17
    sybil says:

    I guess I would go with – your blog, your playground.  But if you are going to *** your words, don’t fucking use them.

    That is so annoying.  What is the point?  Is someone less offended by f*ck than fuck?

    And why the hell is a word offending you anyway?  It is a word, get the fuck over it, it can’t hurt you.

    Words only have the power you give them.

  18. 18
    Wendy Duren says:

    Sorry for the derailment, Candy.  Creative cussing:  shitass: term of endearment.  Ex:  Hey, Shitass, good to see you. 

    Cocklick: in place of dumbshit.  Ex:  You cocklick!  Why did you pull out in front of me and slam on your brakes?

    And Sybil, the *** bugs me too.

  19. 19
    Candy says:

    “Bitch” and “bastard” are terms of endearment for me. Unless I call a straight guy a bitch. Then it’s usually an insult. Don’t try to puzzle the sexist/heteronormative ramifications of that one, please. It makes MY head hurt.

    And yeah, I kinda agree with Sybil about the use of asterisks in place of key letters. Again, it’s the person’s blog and therefore their choice, but it makes even less sense than bleeping out a word on TV or radio because almost the entire word is there for people to see, and anyone with half a brain can figure out that c*nt isn’t referring to or cant, or cont, or cent.

  20. 20
    Candy says:

    Wait, I take it back. Whether I use a cussword as invective or term of endearment mostly depends on the preceding adjective. Thieving bastard = bad, magnificent bastard = HOT BOY.

    Aren’t you so glad I clarified?

  21. 21
    Monica says:

    I am (almost) awed into admiring silence. 

    I pronounce all of thee Official and Honored Assmunching Cumgobbling Tinytitted Cockgrabbing Tunnelcunt Daddyfucking Ho Bitches

    (Did I get all the RWA honorifics in?)

    No, no, don’t thank me.  You’re all quite welcome.

  22. 22
    Wendy Duren says:

    Magnificent bastard, oh my.  I’m going to use that like it’s original thought.

  23. 23
    sybil says:

    This thread is so why RT put you in their magazine.


  24. 24
    Candy says:

    I know! Can you imagine all the conservative biddies who tut-tut over the erotica section of RT coming over here to check us out because we were mentioned, then taking a look at what we talk about? Their head a-splode. Or their panties. One or the other.

  25. 25
    Amanda says:

    Their heads & their panties both. ‘Cuz you know- sex & swearing are BAD.

  26. 26
    Kendra says:

    You do realize that, if you printed out a copy of this thread and slapped on a cover depicting some chick with big hooters performing oral sex on a guy whilst he fondled all of her exposed extremeties, it would probably blow a hole in the space-time continuum and open the gateway to Hell or something?  Just saying.  I know I have corrupted my unborn son by reading (and enjoying) this, but you all are some funny (“magnificent”?)bitches.  Thanks for making an angry pregnant bitch laugh her ass off.

  27. 27
    Stef says:

    I’m channelling my ex-boyfriends now, and recall one more: Assbaby. And yes, it means what you think.

  28. 28
    Sarah says:

    I think the worst insult I level at people regularly is ‘mouth breathing troglodyte.’ That has no RWA-sanctioned cusswords.

    But Monica, I bow to thy masterful use of all forbidden words. Dang.

  29. 29
    Sarah says:

    Kendra, I am so with you on the pregnant and angry front.

    And if the portal to hell is cooler than it is outside, I’m so willing to go there right now.

  30. 30
    Candy says:

    Monica: I love you. But one thing, though: neither Sarah nor I are tinytitted. I’m a fairly generous C (it’s one of the few parts of my body I’m unreservedly happy with), and Sarah… Well, I’ll leave it up to her to tell you stories about her munificent tittage. And her tittage is munificent indeed.

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